Understanding The Psychology Of Love In Modern Dating

Medically reviewed by Nikki Ciletti
Updated February 21, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Love is one of the most complex emotions that humans have. It can mix physical, emotional, psychological, social, cognitive, and spiritual elements. And it can vary significantly from person to person as each individual has a unique understanding of what love means to them

When many people hear the word love, they generally think of romantic love. However, while romantic love is prevalent and given considerable media attention, many other forms of love are equally important. There can be love between friends, siblings, parents and children, grandparents and grandchildren. This article will explore the various forms of love and the psychology behind them.
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The psychology of love

You may think you know what love is, but science has proven that there is a lot more to it than that. By understanding the psychology of love, you can better understand your relationships and make healthier decisions regarding matters of the heart. 

The American Psychological Association defines love as an intense feeling of deep affection. However, there are a few more psychological components to consider when looking at love in modern dating.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love gives us a better understanding of the components that make up love. His theory considers three dimensions of relationships: intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Intimacy is about feeling close to another person and trusting and confiding in them. Passion refers to physical attraction and sexual chemistry. Commitment is the decision to stay in a relationship and work through any challenges that may arise.

According to Sternberg, a strong relationship has all three components present. When all three are in equal harmony, this type of love is known as consummate love. Many people aspire to have this kind of love in their relationships, but achieving it can be challenging.

How love affects the brain

When we experience the three dimensions of love, it can activate specific brain regions. This primitive response is kept alive by something fundamental to our biological nature — the reward circuit. Oxytocin, the love hormone, plays a significant role in this process. It helps us create strong emotional connections and can enhance trust and bonding between people.

The brain's reward circuit also produces hormones of stress and reward, including dopamine, norepinephrine, and cortisol. When the brain releases these hormones, it may cause us to feel a sense of pleasure or joy — the feelings you can get from being with someone you love.

As humans, bonding is also a crucial part of our survival. Enduring relationships can provide us with the necessary emotions to survive and reproduce, which can reflect love's psychological components. Secure connections help us stay emotionally stable, reduce stress, and can increase well-being. 

Research suggests that individuals in stable, long-lasting relationships typically live longer than single individuals across demographic groups. There is evidence to suggest that increased intimacy and emotional connections lower depression symptoms, as well as enhance immune function and cardiovascular health.

Your brain seeks love — and understanding these psychological components of love can help you form healthier, more meaningful relationships. You may better understand, navigate, and express love as you grow and learn in relationships.

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The digital era and what it means for love

The digital era has changed how people date, but it has yet to change the psychology of love. While online dating may make it easier to connect with potential partners, it doesn't change what needs to be there for a relationship to reach its full potential: intimacy, passion, and commitment.

But how have digitalization and modern love evolved together? The internet has made finding matches that better suit their needs, interests, and personalities easier. And the contemporary dating landscape is filled with opportunities to explore new relationships, understand different types of love, and find a genuine connection.

The reliance on technology and digital platforms for communication can help build deeper connections. The ability to connect with someone meaningfully, no matter the distance or time apart, can help keep the relationship alive. From video calls to sending thoughtful messages, many opportunities exist to express your feelings.

Despite the changes in modern dating, each relationship is still affected by the psychology of love. Each person's fundamental need for intimacy, passion, and commitment remains unchanged. By understanding the psychology of love in modern dating, you can create stronger relationships and connect with them on a deeper level.

Developing the three elements of love

The psychology of love can give us insight into modern relationships, but it's also important to remember that each relationship is unique. Everyone has individual wants and needs, so what works for one couple may not work for another.

That's why it's helpful to recognize the three elements of love in your relationship. Then, develop them to suit your individual needs and create a strong connection.

Intimacy

Intimacy is one of the most critical elements in any relationship. It allows us to feel close to our partners, trust them, and be vulnerable. But building intimacy can be difficult, especially if you need help knowing where to start. To build intimacy, incorporate the following tips into your relationship:

  • Stay connected through communication: Take time daily to talk and check in with your partner. Not only will this help you stay connected, but it can also help create a stronger bond.
  • Show appreciation for each other's wants and needs: Respect each other's boundaries and express gratitude for the small things they do.
  • Focus on the here and now: Be present with your partner. Spend quality time together, and be mindful of how your partner feels.

Passion

Passion is another vital element in a relationship, but it doesn't always come easy. Passion can be the physical or mental connection between two people, and it can be challenging to rekindle after a long time. To help ignite your passion, try the following:

  • Be spontaneous together: Try something new or surprise your partner with a gift or gesture. Doing this can keep things fresh and build anticipation for your next adventure.
  • Celebrate life's milestones: Make sure to celebrate all your big and small victories. It will remind you of your accomplishments and may add a sense of purpose to your relationship.
  • Take time apart: Sometimes, it's necessary to take time away from each other to reconnect later. Doing things apart can help reignite passion and add excitement to your relationship.

Commitment

Commitment may seem the most natural part of any relationship, but it can also be the hardest to maintain. For a lasting relationship, both partners may need to stay committed and make sacrifices when necessary. Here are some tips to help you build a lasting commitment:

  • Be honest with each other: Always be open and truthful. Communicate your feelings honestly and respectfully if you're feeling anxious or upset.
  • Stay connected to friends and family: Becoming isolated in a relationship can be easy. Stay in touch with your friends and family.
  • Make time for each other: Set aside time each week to spend with each other, even if it's just a few hours. Quality time can help you both stay connected and remind yourselves why you fell in love in the first place.

Strengthening your relationship with therapy

Love isn't always easy, but you can navigate it more easily with the right tools and effort. Couples therapy can help you identify and address the underlying issues in your relationship. You and your partner can work together to develop communication skills, build trust, and find common ground. With the help of a therapist, couples can work through difficult situations and gain insight into each other's feelings.

Online therapy can provide a flexible and convenient option for couples, especially when one or both partners have busy schedules or live in different areas. You can connect with a therapist from the comfort of your home or wherever you have an internet connection. Research suggests virtual treatments can be as effective as in-person treatments.

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Takeaway

Ultimately, the psychology of love doesn't change just because we're in a new era. It still comes down to those three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. And with some creative ways of expression, you can ensure your relationship is as strong as ever — no matter where you are or who you're with.

By staying connected and appreciating each other, reigniting passion, and building a lasting commitment, couples can create solid foundations for their relationship. This foundation will help create a bond of trust and intimacy, which you can further strengthen with the help of online therapy.

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