What It Means If You Or Your Partner’s Love Language Is “Acts Of Service”
You may have heard people talk about the five love languages in regards to relationships of all kinds, especially romantic ones. They were identified in a 1992 book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages. One of the five is known as “acts of service.”
What Are Love Languages, And Why Do They Matter?
The basic concept of love languages is that we all have a certain “language” in which we prefer to give and receive love. In other words, they’re the mediums of providing or accepting affection that make us feel the most fulfilled and cared for. While most of us appreciate love that’s expressed in many or all five ways, we typically have one or two we value more than the others. The five love languages are:
- Quality time, which refers to spending meaningful time together with your partner
- Physical touch, which refers to affection in the form of hugs, kisses, cuddling, etc.
- Words of affirmation, which refers to compliments, encouragement, or other verbal expressions of love or appreciation
- Acts of service, which refers to your partner taking the initiative to do a helpful or thoughtful task for you
- Receiving gifts, which refers to getting presents or other meaningful items that show that your partner is thinking of you
Knowing your love language can be a tool that helps you find or build better relationships. When both partners can communicate their needs in this simple, understandable form, the likelihood of them getting more fulfillment from the relationship is higher. It can also help partners understand what to avoid. For example, someone whose primary love language is words of affirmation may be more negatively affected by words of criticism. Overall, being familiar with each other’s love languages can be a force for good in relationships.
Note that love languages don’t only apply to romantic relationships, though. They can be helpful to think about in any kind of relationship, including those between friends, parents and children, or even bosses and employees. The core of the concept is simply that people feel more fulfilled in relationships of any kind when affection or appreciation is expressed to them in the language that they understand best.
How Popular Is Acts Of Service As A Love Language?
At this time, there isn’t a wealth of academic research on which of the love languages is most common. Dr. Gary Chapman (who popularized the love languages framework) did a poll of 10,000 users on his website one month to see what their primary love languages were. In that sample, at least, acts of service was tied with quality time for second place.
Remember, too, that even if your primary love language is something else, you may still appreciate acts of service. Your primary love language is just that: the one that resonates with you the most.
Examples Of Acts Of Service
Acts of service can take many different forms. In general, it means going out of your way to do something thoughtful for a person you love. If this is your partner’s primary love language, showing them love through acts of service could look like:
- Taking care of an errand or chore for them, especially if it’s one they dislike or have been putting off
- Making them a meal
- Planning a romantic date night for the two of you
- Giving them a back or neck massage
- Organizing a surprise birthday party for them
- Learning something new for them (a skill or hobby they enjoy, a language they speak, fun facts they’d find interesting)
- Walking the dog or entertaining the kids in the morning so they can sleep in
The important thing about expressing love to your partner in their primary language is to do it in a way they’ll appreciate. For example, some people prefer to do certain errands or chores themselves because they like when they’re done in a specific way. In a case like this, taking over one of those tasks for them wouldn’t be your best choice for an act of service because they may not appreciate it. You know your partner best, so you’re in the optimal position to decide what type of act of service they may appreciate the most.
Why Someone Might Appreciate Acts Of Service
While you don’t have to understand why you’re wired to appreciate one love language over another to benefit, it can be interesting to think about where your preference might come from. Or, if you’re mulling over your partner’s primary love language, insight into where it comes from may help you be able to “speak” it better.
If someone’s primary language is acts of service, they might live by the “actions speak louder than words” motto when it comes to love. They might feel more secure in their relationship when they see their partner manifesting their care in tangible ways, rather than simply hearing them express it verbally.
Finally, while little research on the connection between childhood experiences and adult love languages is currently available, some have hypothesized that there could be a link. Some suggest that a person’s love language correlates to a main way in which they received love as a child. For acts of service, it could mean the person’s parents or caregivers always made them meals and helped them with their homework. Others believe that your love language reflects the type of love you didn’t receive enough of as a child. While possible links are still unclear, thinking about the forms in which you did or did not receive love during childhood could be an interesting element of better understanding your primary love language today.
How To Tell If Acts Of Service Is Your Love Language
Is acts of service your primary love language? Since there are only five, simply going through the list and reflecting on each one can help you understand which one might be top for you. Try to think of a moment when your current or former partner made you feel especially loved and cared for. If you think of the time they replaced your car’s tail light for you without asking or when you came home to a beautiful meal they’d prepared, for example, it’s possible that this is the love language you identify with most.
You might also think about the ways in which you typically show love to others, because it often reflects what we’d like to receive back. If you find yourself naturally doing little tasks like making your partner coffee in the morning, planning date nights, or taking care of the dishes when they’ve had a long day, it could be a sign that you show love in this way. It follows, then, that you likely prefer to be shown love in this way. If you’re still not sure whether this is your love language, you can always take the online quiz to get more insight.
Get Help Identifying Your Love Language For More Fulfilling Relationships
A 2022 study found a correlation between couples in satisfying relationships, and couples who showed affection in their partner’s love language. If you’re experiencing challenges in your relationship, they may stem from many different factors. But knowing you and your partner’s love languages and then working to express affection to each other in those ways could have the potential to improve your dynamic.
If you’re experiencing difficulties in your relationship, you might consider seeking the guidance of a therapist. They can help you recognize patterns in your and your partner’s behaviors and equip you with tools to better communicate and manage conflict. Connecting with a trained counselor is easier than ever, since virtual therapy is becoming increasingly popular. Through a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a mental health professional who you communicate with via phone, video, and/or chat. Research suggests that online and in-person therapy offer similar benefits, which makes this therapeutic format a more convenient and accessible choice for many people. You can find reviews below of BetterHelp therapists who have worked with clients on their relationships, and you can feel empowered to seek the same kind of help.
“Libby has been wonderful in guiding me and my partner through our difficulties and listening and providing feedback or asking questions that allow us to move forward and work through our differences. We really appreciate her and her work and for taking the time to help us.”
“Having Krysten as an active sounding board has improved my relationships with my partner and friends. The messaging is also a very helpful way for communicating. It is like having a journal that answers back with new ways to look at things. The messaging also allows the sessions to be more impactful, because we have already moved the dial before going into them.”
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