Why Does Unrequited Love Hurt?

Unrequited Love

Unrequited love is complicated. It's often said that love hurts, but when you're the only one in love, it can seem as though it hurts twice as much. When you're in love with someone, you envision a future with them, you think about them, and you may even obsess a little, but all you want is what's best for them, which is what makes unrequited love different from infatuation.

Unrequited Love Can Be Painful

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If you're dealing with unrequited love, you can often feel alone in your struggle and unable to cope with your pain. But most people will encounter it at some point in their life. No matter how isolated you may feel during your experience, you are not alone and you are definitely able to move on and find someone who does feel the same for you!

Let's learn more about unrequited love and how to take the first steps toward healing.

What Is Unrequited Love?

Sometimes love isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's often said that in every relationship, there is a lover and a lovee-one person always loves a little harder. In unrequited love, it isn't just that one person loves harder but that the other partner (if they're even in a relationship) may not love them at all.

Unrequited love is when you have strong feelings for someone but they do not feel the same, they may not even know about your feelings. There is a fine line between unrequited love and infatuation, since both are usually about people not in a relationship together. But love is about caring for another person over yourself, while an infatuation is all about the self. That's why unrequited love can be love-it's just love that's not returned.

Unrequited love means that your feelings are just that-only yours.

That said, unrequited love is not something that only happens to singles. Unrequited love can also happen to people who are in a relationship together. People change and may grow apart, which means one partner may fall out of love with the other or may simply not feel the same anymore. While this isn't the usual definition, it is the most common one couples will encounter. Situations like this are difficult because they may be embarrassed about it or may seek other avenues of affection like cheating rather than come clean to their partner that their feelings have changed and risk ending the relationship.

The Love Chemicals

While sex hormones like estrogen and testosterone are involved in getting us towards the physical act of love, they're not powerful enough to create the feelings that come before and after. You can have sex without being in love and you can have love without sex (despite what most people think). These two hormones are minor when it comes to unrequited love. Most of the hormones involved in the love process like noradrenaline and serotonin don't cause pain. They're involved in getting you pumped up and euphoric about love, especially in the beginning. The real culprits are dopamine and oxytocin.

Part of being in love involves creating a bond with a person. The chemical oxytocin creates this. It's found in all bonding situations, including between a breastfeeding mother and a baby and between humans and pets. When we bond with another creature we experience a sense of contentment and calm in their presence. It becomes reassuring to be near them and spurs our brains to produce even more dopamine, making the cycle even worse. If you have unrequited love, it's very possible your brain produced oxytocin as well as dopamine once you realized you were attracted to the person, which is why the pain is so much worse than if you had merely been attracted to them and it wasn't reciprocated.

Rejection Hurts

It's not just the chemical pain we experience with unrequited love. Rejection has its own set of psychological pain that can do plenty of damage to your self-esteem. No one wants to think of themselves as unlovable, so being rejected makes us question why we are not good enough or what is wrong with ourselves, rather than realizing it is only a reflection of that other person and not something we have control over. Physiologically, rejection uses the same neurological pathways as physical pain.

When you're rejected, your body reacts the same way as if you had been physically hit or burned. With unrequited love, this rejection is often a repeated action that may be subtler but the body responds the same way. Our feelings are hurting us when love isn't returned.

Grieving and Mourning With Unrequited Love

Grief and loss bring their own set of pains. Grief is a personal feeling-it's something no one understands because the "future" is entirely imagined within your head. No one knew or saw it, so you're grieving a fantasy. Our lives will never be the same as we imagine, which is normal, but with grief connected to love, it's doubly painful because we're often triggering additional fears and issues with that loss. The normal grief that involves death or a break up has a definitive before/after which makes recovery much easier. In the case of unrequited love, that doesn't happen, which leaves a vacuum where there is no closure.

Unrequited love is a complicated situation because you're simultaneously in love and mourning. You love the person but you're mourning something that will never happen or may never have existed. It shatters our hopes and with the loss of hope, many other psychological fears start to come out. Without hope, we become despondent and even depressed. However, this can be fixed over time.

Getting Over Unrequited Love: Effective Coping Mechanisms

While time is arguably the most valuable resource you have in the battle against the unwanted effects of unrequited love, there are other tools you have at your disposal you can use to combat the pain of rejection. Here are three effective strategies you can use if you are coping with unreciprocated love.

1. Stay Busy When Possible

As it is when you have broken up with someone, staying busy will allow you to keep your mind off the pain of unrequited love. By keeping yourself busy with your work, with some of your favorite hobbies, or by spending time with friends and family, you will allow yourself to get back to your own life and give yourself time for the pain to heal.

2. Build a Solid Support Network

3. Strengthen Your Relationship with Yourself

Coping with Unrequited Love Through Therapy

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Unrequited Love Conclusion

Unrequited love is a part of life, but the pain that accompanies it does not have to be forever. You are not alone. Move forward with a life that makes you happy, and you will be able to find love with someone who is going to love you back. Take the first step today.