Six Different Ways Counselors Can Help Save Your Marriage

Studies show that many factors contribute to marital satisfaction, including external stressors, inner conflicts, and time. As healthy relationships are often beneficial to mental and physical health, conflict can feel challenging, stressful, and exhausting for couples who experience it. 

Marriage counseling benefits: Can it save your marriage?

For many couples, a happy marriage requires intentional effort from both sides. It’s often helpful to seek support from a couples therapy provider if you’ve encountered marriage problems. 

Some married couples begin couples counseling before encountering any challenges to ensure they can maintain a strong relationship from day one.

There are several potential benefits to marriage counseling, including the following. 

Gaining communication skills

Marriage counselors often work to help you and your partner understand the root causes of your problems and techniques to solve them. Research shows that communication is essential in long-term marriage success, so therapists may work with you and your partner to improve how you speak to each other. They may also help each partner with personal growth outside of their relationship. 

During your first couples counseling session, the therapist might ask you how your conversations go and how you feel about the amount of physical affection in your marriage. 

As they do this, they might explore each spouse’s feelings and note how you and your partner communicate during the session. 

Partners can also discuss their own concerns during this session. Perhaps one of you is making all the significant decisions in the face of financial pressures, or maybe you aren't sure how to communicate your feelings in a way that affects change instead of conflict.

For many couples, a positive aspect of investing in marriage counseling, especially when trying to save your marriage, includes speaking to a neutral person like a therapist who can facilitate communication. 

Therapists don’t bring bias or judgment to the session and are trained not to favor one partner over the other. Often, couple's therapy aims to help couples reconnect and restore their healthy relationship, not to point blame or tell a couple to break up. 

During your sessions, your therapist may listen and suggest techniques for you and your partner to try at home to improve communication and reduce emotional distance. It could be difficult at first, but you might have a chance to practice in session as you talk about concerns. Your therapist might also offer worksheets or educational materials on communication.

Healing after infidelity to restore a healthy relationship 

If you or your partner has struggled with infidelity, the lasting effects can be detrimental. Trust and love may be compromised, and memories of past hurt could linger in the relationship for some time. 

When one person in a relationship is unfaithful, it may cause trust, self-esteem issues, and negative thoughts about the romantic aspect of the marriage for the person affected. There may be new relationship conflicts, and partners might struggle to regain trust. 

Although many individuals choose to leave a marriage that involves cheating, it may be possible to gain insight and healing through counseling so you can once again have a healthy marriage.

Professional help and online therapy might be helpful for couples in dealing with the emotions they feel about the situation. A therapist may lead you through practical ways to explore negative thoughts, forgiveness, openness, apology, and communication. They might also oversee conversations about trust and how to repair and strengthen the relationship so you can make your marriage work.

Discussing long-term problems 

Often, couples may experience several conflicts that repeat themselves over time. Famed marriage psychologist and teacher at the University of Washington, John Gottman puts conflict into two categories: resolvable or perpetual. Perpetual conflict is the ongoing conflict that therapy tends to focus on. 

It might feel that you're constantly arguing, dealing with criticism, or "going in circles" in a failing marriage. At times, it might help to see each other as a team instead of two individuals fighting against each other. A commitment to make a change and try to see a different solution could be enough to pave the way to resolve. A therapist may be able to oversee this process. 

A marriage counselor can help you and your partner improve communication and understand how to implement change for saving your marriage. They may ask you to discuss your understanding of the conflict and identify areas where each of you could have implemented a healthier technique. 

For some conversation topics, a therapist might suggest having the conversation in therapy first instead of tackling it at home. In a session, the therapist can more easily pinpoint common patterns between you and note them when they come up. For example, if you both don’t give each other the opportunity to communicate, the therapist might note that and remind you to move back to active listening.

Rekindling intimacy 

Many couples experiencing conflicts struggle with intimacy, sex, and emotional closeness. It can feel challenging to feel physically and emotionally distant from your partner when you want to make a change. At times, distance can be a natural progression of the stages of love. Other times, healing conflicts and discussing concerns can be the first step toward feeling more intimate. 

Suppose you and your partner are struggling to connect emotionally. In that case, your therapist might offer suggestions for emotional closeness, such as cuddling, going on dates, or having long conversations about non-conflicting ideas. You can also talk through your love languages and learn how to express love in ways you and your partner understand. 

If you and your partner struggle with sex and intimacy due to routine or the feeling that it has become a chore, it may be rewarding to see a sex therapist. Sex therapists can also work with couples on emotional issues. However, they often have expertise in methods for couples to improve their sex life and increase emotional intimacy in the bedroom. 

Some couples may feel nervous about discussing sex and deep emotional intimacy with a stranger. Although it might sometimes feel awkward, a therapist is trained to provide professional and non-biased care. They are often trained to reduce judgment and be open to differences. If you're unsure, consider letting your therapist know how they can make the session more comfortable for you both. 

Knowing when to let go of arguments

In a marriage, several factors may come up out of your control. For example, life stressors, money problems, physical and mental health issues, and changes in feelings can cause conflict. All couples experience conflict in one way or another. Although you may be unable to change the stressors in your life, learning how to handle these concerns and knowing when to let go of an argument could be beneficial. 

You and your partner may learn how to validate each other, offer support, and increase empathy in unhappy marriage therapy. If you see an argument coming up that was triggered by an unchangeable external event or circumstance, you may decide together to move forward and talk about it with a family therapist instead of arguing about it at the moment. A few validating phrases you could use include: 

• "That's so difficult. I'm so sorry."
• "I can see how upset you are." 
• "I love you, and you're doing amazing." 
• "This is so stressful. I understand why you feel upset." 
• "I can't believe that happened! Are you okay?" 
• "That's horrible. I'm here for you if you need me."
• "We can get through this together. I'll always be by your side." 

Remember that only you know if you can let go of an argument. If you’re feeling overlooked or think you may not love your partner anymore, speaking with the counselor one-on-one may be helpful. They can aid you in determining if you can work toward a successful marriage again or if you both might benefit from exploring the divorce process. 

Learning about attachment styles

Many marriage and family therapists may also have information on attachment styles and their impact on a marriage. Your attachment style may be based on how your parents or caregiver met your needs as an infant and child. Those with differing or insecure attachment styles might feel that it causes conflict and stress. 

Studies show that it is possible to change your attachment style with effort, understanding, and time. Learning about how you face marriages and relationships can be a significant first step. 

Should your goal be to save your marriage?

Even when a couple loves each other and wants a relationship to work, they might decide that the conflict and stress have become too much to handle. In these cases, they may decide together to end the marriage. Or, perhaps one partner is seeking to end the marriage. 

Although a marriage counselor may not tell you to break up with your partner, they could help you decide whether the marriage is worth the save and facilitate a conversation about what you and your partner want. Some marriages fail, and that’s okay.

In some cases, it can be healthier for both partners to leave a broken marriage instead of trying to save a failing marriage.  

For example, if you are not progressing in therapy, your therapist may ask you what you think would help save the marriage. They may ask you why you want to save your relationship or what motivated you to come to marriage therapy. They might also ask you to reflect and focus on the future of your marriage and what you think is healthiest for you both. They can also provide some of the best ways or techniques to improve communication and rebuild the emotional connection. 

Although it is ultimately your decision to gauge your willingness for a divorce or separation, it can be challenging. A couples therapist might also offer support during divorce or separation to help you and your partner communicate about challenging subjects and help resolve conflicts.

Finding a therapist to help save it

You can often find marriage and family therapists online or in person. Search for "marriage counselor near me" to see if any are available in your area. You may have to meet with more than one to find the right couples therapist for you. Types of therapy that may be effective for couples include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), premarital counseling, marriage and family therapy, emotionally focused therapy, and narrative therapy. Psychiatry may be a good match if one of the partners has a mental health condition that requires medication.

If you cannot commute to a therapist's office or have trouble finding a time that works for your schedule, an online therapist could be the right fit. Many individuals feel more comfortable at home, so counseling from home can be a way to connect in an environment where you feel safe. In addition, a study published recently found that online therapy for couples is often more effective than in-person treatment. If you're interested in trying an online method, consider signing up for a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples.