How seeing a marriage counseling psychologist may help your relationship

Marriage can be a source of joy and emotional support, but it can also come with unique obstacles. If you and your spouse are having difficulty seeing eye-to-eye on an issue, or you feel as though you are drifting apart, it may be helpful for you to talk to a marriage counseling psychologist. These licensed professionals are trained and credentialed in strengthening intimate relationships, and they may be able to assist you and your spouse. 

Many couples report successful outcomes from seeing a marriage counseling psychologist. One study demonstrated that over 70% of couples who attended marriage therapy felt as though the experience changed their relationship for the better.

Marriage counseling psychologists may use a variety of counseling techniques to help couples. It could be beneficial to learn more about what these therapy techniques entail.

Methods a marriage counseling psychologist may use

Marriage counseling psychologists may rely on various techniques. Some of these methods include emotionally focused therapy, solutions-focused therapy, and the Gottman Method. 

Emotionally focused therapy 

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is a method of couples counseling in which the counselor works with the couple to help them identify emotional responses that may be at the root of certain relationship challenges and conflicts. Emotionally focused therapy is one of the most widely used marriage counseling methods because of its proven efficacy. This therapeutic method is based on principles of Gestalt psychology, which also focuses on emotions, and was refined for use in the marriage therapy setting by Dr. Susan Johnson. Although the therapeutic process is specifically designed for married couples, couples who are not married can still benefit from EFT. 

A couples therapist using emotionally focused therapy methods may collaborate with the couple to help each partner understand their emotions, including their level of emotional sensitivity and that of their partner. In this context, emotional sensitivity does not refer to the state of being sensitive, but how well you recognize and express your own emotions. With emotionally focused therapy, each partner analyzes factors that may contribute to their level of emotional sensitivity, which might include mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety, childhood experiences, and experiences in prior romantic relationships. 

Once a couple is more equipped to identify, understand, and express their emotions, the therapist can work with them to build healthier communication patterns. This process typically involves the following three steps:

1. Stabilization: The marriage counseling psychologist works with the couple to find a conflict they want to address in the relationship. Each partner will process and talk about their emotional response to the conflict, which may help them understand how the other experiences the conflict and provide a sense of perspective.
2. Bonding: In bonding, the couple opens up further about their emotions, being honest and vulnerable with their partner. The bonding stage is less about the conflict itself and more about the couple connecting with each other over their experience of the conflict.
3. Consolidation: The therapist works with the couple to use their enhanced emotional understanding of the conflict to develop a potential solution. They can then identify additional conflicts where the same solution may apply.

Note that emotionally focused therapy differs from emotion-focused therapy, which is a method of individual counseling and treatment. 

Solution-focused therapy

Solution-focused therapy approaches marriage counseling from the opposite angle of emotionally focused therapy. That is, it focuses on solutions to specific concerns, not the emotions that may underly such problems. Solution-focused therapy typically requires less of a time commitment than other forms of marriage counseling. For this reason, it is sometimes referred to as solution-focused brief therapy. Couples who seek therapy using this method may attend sessions for only a few weeks or months.

Solution-focused therapy can be a useful option for couples who encounter a small problem in their relationship, but who don’t have fundamental relationship concerns to work through. Solution-focused therapy often homes in on particular issues that can cause strife in a relationship, but that usually have more straightforward solutions such as finances or parenting disagreements, for example. This technique may not be the appropriate treatment method for deeper relationship challenges such as infidelity or a spouse’s substance use. A couple who is considering divorce may also want to avoid this method. In these cases, more intensive forms of therapy may be more beneficial. 

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

Solution-focused therapy is forward-thinking and focused on identifying a strategic way to address what may have become a sticking point in a relationship. It can accomplish this goal by fostering mutual respect in marriage and encouraging each partner to view the other person as a teammate and support system in tackling the problem at hand. Its core focus is reducing blame and anger around the issue that is causing concern, so each partner can look at the situation more objectively and determine a viable solution.  

The Gottman method

The Gottman Method, developed by husband-and-wife duo Julie and John Gottman, is one of the most popular couples counseling techniques. Its overarching philosophy is that building affection, intimacy, and mutual respect in a relationship will make the relationship strong enough to withstand conflict and external relationship stressors, which are generally unavoidable. The Gottman Method works by:

• Teaching each partner to recognize and communicate their needs, while also listening to and respecting their partner’s needs
• Building a belief in commitment and trust and an understanding that every relationship encounters its issues, but many relationships can recover from them
• Finding ways for each partner to show their love and affection for the other
• Focusing on shifting any behaviors that may be causing dissatisfaction in the relationship
• Creating love maps, which are charts that the couple builds together to review their relationship history, identify what is bringing them joy in the relationship and what is bringing them stress, and talk about what they hope for and worry about for their relationship in the future

Finding support for your marriage

If you want to learn more about how one of the above marriage therapy techniques can help you and your partner, consider speaking with a marriage counseling psychologist. They can work with you to identify which forms of therapy may be most beneficial for your situation and needs. 

Still, it can be challenging to find a therapist that both you and your spouse feel a connection with and whose availability matches both of yours. This process can be especially complex if you two have conflicting work schedules or parenting/caregiving responsibilities. In these situations, you may want to consider online therapy, which can be more convenient than traditional options. BetterHelp is an online counseling platform that can connect you with a therapist from the comfort of your home. You can speak with your therapist through video chats, phone calls, or in-app messaging, depending on your preferences. Being able to talk to your therapist from anywhere at any time may make it easier to get the support you need.

Research suggests that there may be no difference in the effectiveness of marriage counseling that is delivered online versus in a traditional in-person therapy setting. In one study assessing an online couples therapy program, couples appreciated the convenience of receiving treatment online and believed online therapy brought them closer together as a couple. If you think online therapy may be a helpful option for you and your spouse, consider BetterHelp for couples counseling. Couples counselors are trained in a wide array of marriage therapy techniques.