Nine DIY Marriage Counseling Exercises To Improve Your Relationship

Every relationship has its challenges. Some couples may be dealing with infidelity, substance abuse, or overcoming the challenges of blended families. Whether you’re happily married, in a long-term relationship, or are looking for ways to overcome a marriage struggle, strengthening your relationship is almost always beneficial. For some couples, this may mean scheduling weekly date nights, surprising each other with gifts, or acts of service. For others, improving a romantic relationship may involve do-it-yourself (DIY) marriage counseling exercises. 

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Marriage counselors typically use a variety of techniques and exercises during their sessions. These techniques often intend to help married couples build communication skills, deepen their understanding of each other, and work through challenges in a constructive way. While seeking the guidance of a trained professional is usually the best course of action, it's also possible to complete DIY couple therapy exercises at home.

Couples therapy exercises to try at home

Communication can be foundational to a healthy relationship; even small changes to your communication style may help you avoid conflict and strengthen your bond with your partner. DIY couples therapy exercises may help you and your partner approach communication more mindfully and keep love and respect in focus, even when navigating conflict. By dedicating time and effort to these exercises, you can foster a stronger, healthier, and more satisfying marriage with your spouse. 

Exercise #1: Conduct daily or weekly check-ins

Taking a few minutes each day or week to check in with your partner can help you stay connected and avoid misunderstandings. During these check-ins, ask your partner how their day was, what they are feeling, what their current biggest stress triggers are, and if there is anything they need from you. You can think of it as a weekly CEO meeting, where you and your partner get together to touch base. This can also be a time to express appreciation for each other. It can also be productive to schedule one on one time as a couple to do something enjoyable, particularly if you and your partner have busy schedules that make it difficult to spend quality time together. Consider making a home-cooked meal or planning a weekly date night with fun activities in a fresh environment so you can maintain the romance in your relationship.

Exercise #2: Deepen your friendship with “icebreakers”

While romance may be important to a strong marriage, a strong foundation of friendship and emotional intimacy can help you and your partner stay connected even when you face relationship challenges. Icebreakers offer a way for couples to deepen their understanding of one another through thoughtful or fun icebreaker questions, deeply personal stories, and intimate conversation. This type of productive discussion can help you understand your partner’s thought processes more effectively and can be a fun and intense bonding exercise. You can think of these as team building exercises for you and your spouse. Something you might want to try is honesty hour when you take turns asking your partner questions and then answering them as honestly as possible. Here are a few examples of questions you might use:

• What is your most treasured memory?
• Would you like to be famous? Why or why not?
• What do you value most in a friend?
• If you could wake up tomorrow with one quality or superpower, what would it be?
• What is your greatest accomplishment?
• Describe the “perfect” day.
• What is your ideal vacation spot?
• What’s your most embarrassing moment?

Exercise #3: Manage conflict with “I feel” statements

When having difficult conversations, there may be moments when you become frustrated by something your partner says or does. However, rather than using accusatory language, consider communicating to your partner about the way their actions affect your feelings by using “I feel” statements.

For example, rather than saying, “You never listen to me,” you might instead say, “I feel unheard when you interrupt me.” By using an “I feel” statement, you are taking ownership of your feelings and expressing them in a way that is less likely to put your partner on the defensive. This can help you and your partner approach conflict in a more constructive way and find common ground.

Exercise #4: Practice mirroring

Mirroring involves “reflecting back” or repeating what your partner is saying to ensure you understand their perspective. This communication tool can be especially helpful during difficult conversations or conflicts. To practice mirroring, one partner speaks while the other listens and then repeats what they believe they heard. The reflecting partner uses their own words to summarize what was said and check for understanding. The speaking partner can then confirm or clarify any misunderstandings. 

This process can help ensure both you and your partner feel heard and understood, which can reduce the likelihood of miscommunication and make sure you don’t go to bed angry. Mirroring exercises can also help you develop greater awareness of how your own words and actions may affect your partner. To make this a more intense exercise, you may also pair mirroring with a close breathing exercise, where you and your partner sit or lay next to each other and touch foreheads while taking long, slow deep breaths in sync with one another.

Exercise #5: Try using active listening

Active listening involves paying attention to what your partner is saying and responding in a way that shows you understand and value their perspective. To practice active listening, make a conscious effort to focus on your partner when they are speaking. Avoid interrupting or talking over them, and try to refrain from formulating your response while they are still speaking. 

Instead, listen attentively and ask questions to clarify their point of view. Once they’re finished speaking, summarize what they said to ensure you understand their perspective. This can help you and your partner avoid misunderstandings and approach conversations more constructively. 

Exercise #6: Prioritize positive language and interaction

Over time, it can be common for couples to find that their conversations gravitate toward the problems they are experiencing, either in their relationship or in their day-to-day lives. This may lead to negative communication patterns. Marriage counselors often task their clients with finding ways to prioritize positive language and interactions. 

This typically involves saying “thank you” or “I love you” more often. It may also mean telling a funny story about something that happened to you or even sending an affectionate text message when you are apart. These small gestures of love and affection can help you and your partner remember your love for one another.

Exercise #7: Initiate physical affection

Physical affection can be an essential aspect of intimacy in marriage and may even correlate to relationship satisfaction. However, it can be easy to overlook physical affection when life gets busy or stressful. Marriage counselors will often recommend that their clients make a conscious effort to initiate physical affection and show one another love through physical touch.

This can include hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, sexual intimacy, or any other physical touch that makes you and your partner feel close and connected. Take time each day to show physical affection, whether it's a quick hug before work or a longer cuddle session before bed. 

Exercise #8: Discover your love languages together

One common and effective marriage counseling exercise that involves discussing and implementing love languages into your and your partner’s daily life. The love languages are a set of five categories that describe how people express and receive love. They include: 

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

To discover your love language together, you want to take an online quiz, discuss your preferences, or speak to a couples therapist with your partner. Then, give each other examples of how you’d like to receive love. Learning each other’s love languages can be a fun and interesting activity that helps you to learn more about each other and forge a deeper connection.

Exercise #9: Show gratitude

Suppose tonight you try to make a conscious effort to notice when your partner helps you in some way, whether it’s a household chore, an errand, or a kind gesture. You may also consider thanking them for the ways they support and provide for you or your family. 

In addition to frequent words of affirmation, you can express gratitude through small gestures of kindness, such as leaving a note of appreciation or doing something thoughtful for your partner. Gratitude can help you and your partner foster a more positive and supportive environment in your relationship.

Online marriage counseling for emotionally focused therapy

Couple’s therapy exercises practiced at home can be helpful in improving relationship satisfaction and deepening your connection. In addition, a marriage counselor or qualified clinical social worker can teach you valuable relationship skills and offer personalized advice to help you and your partner build a stronger partnership. Couples counselors are licensed therapists trained to offer guidance to couples through difficult relationships, often through specific frameworks such as emotionally focused therapy, or provide other resources that may help them on their journey.

You can find a marriage counselor with an online search or through a trusted online therapy platform like ReGain. Online couples therapy offers a way for couples to attend marriage counseling from the comfort of their home or anywhere they have a strong internet connection. This may be beneficial for spouses with busy schedules, careers that require frequent travel, or long-distance relationships. It may also be ideal for couples who struggle to find childcare for in-person appointments.

Couples may also benefit from individual counseling, depending on the specific problems they’re facing. Through platforms such as BetterHelp, partners can receive personalized, one-on-one attention from a therapist, which could be useful in between or alongside couples therapy sessions. 

Does marriage counseling work when it’s done online?

Research into the outcomes of couples counseling affirms that it can be highly effective. In fact, about 70-75% of couples participating in emotionally-focused couples counseling (EFT) move from “significant distress” to recovery in 10-12 counseling sessions. EFT is a therapeutic approach that helps couples identify and use their emotions to promote healing and connection within their relationship. Furthermore, studies on the efficacy of online therapy consistently show it to be as effective as face-to-face therapy. One study found that couples therapy delivered via videoconferencing was a feasible alternative to face-to-face interventions and improved couples’ relationship satisfaction, mental health, and all other outcome scores over time.