How Well Do You Know Your Spouse? Five Fun Ways To Find Out

How well do you know your spouse? You may feel that they are different now than they used to be, or you may notice some changes in yourself. We’re here to say that this can be normal for most—and regardless of how long you've been together, you may continue learning about your significant other throughout the course of your relationship. 

This guide can help you to explore new ways to find out how well you know your spouse, ranging from online therapy to fun question-and-answer sessions. We’ve also highlighted ways that can help you stay aware of your spouse's ever-changing personality, likes, dislikes, interests, desires and needs.

Find out how well you know your spouse

Learning about your spouse and any changes they’ve made can be one of the easiest ways to determine how well you know them. If you don't know them as well as you'd like, these steps can help you to get to know them better.

1. Ask (and answer) questions about (and with) them

Asking and answering questions can allow people to connect, share and know each other more deeply. If you’re not sure where to begin, you may try setting aside time to talk and answer questions with openness and vulnerability with your loved one. In doing so, you might learn new things—or discover you already know quite a lot about your partner. 

According to John Gottman, who specializes in research-based approaches to relationships, the following questions can help couples stay emotionally connected: 

• What are your best and worst memories from childhood?
• What are your three most significant needs, and how can I fulfill them?
• Which of your friends and family do you think has the best relationship and why?
• What’s the best part about being in a relationship together?
• What kinds of things do I do that annoy you? Which behaviors do you think I should change or stop?
• Is there anything you haven't shared with me that keeps you awake at night?
• Is there something you've dreamed of doing but haven't done? What's preventing you from doing it?
• Why do you love me? And when have you felt most loved by me?
• What actions would you consider unforgivable and why?
• How can we make improve our sex life (if applicable)?

*if applicable

Gottman generally believes in taking time to explore these questions, listening thoughtfully to your partner's answers and not rushing through the list toward any resolution. Additionally, he has advised couples to focus on what they mutually share and appreciate—encouraging them to stay focused on these things to strengthen their relationships.

2. Talk to people your spouse is close to

Talking to your partner's parents, siblings or friends (with their permission) may help you to gauge how well you know them. You can potentially gain insightful information and different perspectives by having conversations with people who've known your spouse for most of their life, or in other situations or developmental stages—i.e., work or the college years.

3. Do thoughtful things for them

Doing thoughtful things for your partner can show them how well you know their likes, dislikes, interests and emotional responses. As you do this, you also might learn new information based on how they respond to your affection and kindness—and you may even learn something about yourself in the process. 

Research also suggests that generosity, small acts of kindness, and demonstrations of respect and affection have been suggested to be positively linked to overall relationship satisfaction. 

These acts of kindness and similar can inspire you to think about and envision what might make your spouse happy—possibly encouraging all members of the relationship to learn more about each other.

4. Experience new things together

Studies suggest new and diverse experiences can promote increased happiness in individuals, so why not do this together? Spending time with your partner may help you find out how well you know them while providing opportunities to learn new things about each other.

5. Try couple's therapy

Relationships can sometimes present challenges. Online therapy can be a supportive tool to help. Therapy isn't generally reserved for married couples or those facing challenges, however. It can also provide a safe, neutral space to discuss what's going on in your lives, how you are changing, and how you feel about each other—even in the good times. 

How can online therapy help those in relationships? 

A relationship counselor may help identify patterns you and your partner cannot see, and they can provide a neutral space to discuss almost anything. You can do this in the comfort of your own home, which may save you any nervousness or inconvenience that can be associated with having to drive to a secondary location to do this. 

Online therapy also has the potential to teach both of you the necessary skills to improve communication. Many couples reported positive changes from online couples counseling during the pandemic, for example, saying they'd continue the therapy after quarantine ended.

Is online therapy effective? 

If you’re considering using therapy as a way to bolster your relationship and know your partner(s) better, it can be helpful to remember that you can choose between online and in-person therapy sessions based on what's most convenient for the two of you. Either option can be just as effective for many. Current research also suggests that online therapy can be as effective as face-to-face therapy, so you can feel confident with whatever option the two of you prefer.