The Truth About How To Get Your Wife Back
By: Patricia Oelze
Updated February 24, 2020
Medically Reviewed By: Wendy Boring-Bray, DBH, LPC
Let's talk about the number one key to getting your wife back- making the attempt to gain back her affection before you get divorced. It is rare that a couple reunites after a finalized divorce, so let's focus on what you can do to prevent that from happening. If you and your wife are separated or experiencing relationship difficulties and you want to continue the relationship, you have to take responsibility for your choices and actions, even if you don't entirely agree with your wife's behavior currently. You may just find that once you put in the effort, so will she. Here's the truth about how to get your wife back.
Regaining your wife's affection
Relationships do not deteriorate in a day, they deteriorate over time due to many factors. However, the number one reason that relationships fall apart is poor or lack of communication. When a partner's needs are not being met, this is a breeding ground for resentment, hurt feelings, and disappointment. These feelings create thoughts of ways to have the unmet needs met and divorce may be one of those thoughts.
So how did you wind-up in this situation in the first place? That question is not so simple to answer because most times it happens gradually, it happens so slowly that sometimes it is not noticeable by either partner. It could have begun before you were married and then increased over time, or it could have happened several years into the marriage and was neglected. Chances are that it stemmed from a breakdown in communication. Communication is key to any successful relationship.
The important thing to understand is what you can control in a relationship, and the things you can control are the decisions you make. You cannot control your wife's actions or what she thinks of you. Instead of trying to change what she thinks about you, change your own thoughts and actions. If you are truly invested in the relationship, show her that you care about her.
Thinking about your actions and showing her that you care does not mean ignoring your own needs. It means recognizing that there is hurt between you and your wife, and someone has to take the first steps to healing those hurts. Even though you are focused on paying attention to your wife, you should save some of your focus for yourself. Work on being the person you want to be, what you consider the best version of you. It may be difficult, but you should take the time to consider where you may have fallen short as a spouse. And then work to improve yourself and show your efforts at self-improvement because, again, you are the only factor you can control.
One avenue of self-improvement is learning to become a more effective communicator. Communication looks different at work than it does in a romantic relationship. Communication at work may demand a more authoritative approach, especially if you are managing employees. In a relationship, communication should softer around the edges and provide a safe place for both partners to honestly share feelings. Generally, workplace settings do not encourage feelings to play into communication strategies, so there are different rules when communicating with your partner.
There are many things to learn about communicating with your partner, some will come easier than others, but all are worth making the effort for if you want to stay in a relationship. One of the most important things to learn is the difference between seeking to understand verses being heard. All of us what to be heard and understood, this is a normal human reaction in communication, but this is where much of the breakdown occurs in communication. We want the other person to understand what we are saying rather than us trying to understand where the other person is coming from. Imagine if you could understand where your wife was coming from rather than trying to drill into her what you want her to know about your side of the miscommunication. Do you think that that the discussion might go a different way? There is an excellent chance that it would.
Creating an opportunity to discuss some of the issues in the relationship that have been rocky in the past would be a start in the direction of making improvements in the relationship. If she does not want to talk about the relationship, you could start with more casual topics to give your newly acquired skills a test run. Remember to remain patient and compassionate, there has been a lot that has happened in the relationship to tear it apart up to this point, so she may believe that talking is a waste of time because it hasn't been helpful in the past. Show her that you have taken time to grow in the area of communication.
How to get your wife back after a separation
If you and your wife are currently separated, your situation may feel even more desperate. But that makes it even more important for you to stay calm and not act out your desperation. Begging your wife to come back will not work. She has already formed reasons about why she wants to leave. You need to give her a reason to stay.
That means really showing her that you have made the changes you say you have. Not only that, but you have to show her that these changes are not just temporary ploys to get her to stay a little longer. You do that by being consistent in your new ways, so that you can rebuild her trust and faith in you. If she complained that you didn't spend enough time with the kids, be there for their activities and be on time to pick up them up if you are sharing parenting time. If she complained that you made her feel unwanted, pay attention to the words you use when you speak to her. If she felt like you weren't financially responsible, change your spending habits.
Remember that both partners have to be interested in resuming the relationship. Rather than taking these steps with the expectation that you will win back your wife, just go into it with the expectation that you will treat her the best you can and consider what she wants. If your wife is willing, speaking with a licensed couples' counselor together can help.
Counseling is usually reserved as a last resort for many couples facing a break-up, but this does not have to be the case. Counseling before the relationship is headed in divorce can preserve and repair the relationship to a happier time or create an even stronger relationship than before the turmoil. Counseling is not a sign of failure or weakness, it is a proactive tactic to save something you care about.