The Truth About How To Get Your Wife Back

By Patricia Oelze|Updated August 1, 2022
CheckedMedically Reviewed By Wendy Boring-Bray, DBH, LPC

A Strained Marriage May Lead To Emotions That Are Hard To Process

Marriage is a big commitment that can be full of beautiful moments, happiness, and comfort. Unfortunately, it can also be full of hurdles and challenges. Though some people decide that separation is the best way forward, some couples work on rekindling the spark in their relationship with effective communication and effort. It may take time, energy, and compromise, but it is possible to regain a connection with your partner. By learning how to communicate effectively and prioritizing both of your needs in the relationship, your partnership can grow stronger in the long run.

Regaining Your Wife's Affection

Let's talk about the number one key to getting your partner back - attempting to gain back her affection before you get divorced. Preventing a separation before it happens can save you time, energy, and pain. By showing interest in regaining the "spark" that your relationship once had, you can begin a conversation that will benefit both of you.

Marriages don't deteriorate in a day. Generally, there is an accumulation of conflicts that leads to one or both people deciding that separation is necessary. However, the number one reason that relationships fall apart is poor or lack of communication. When a partner's needs are not being met, it creates a breeding ground for resentment, hurt feelings, and disappointment. Both people involved in the relationship may likely feel unappreciated or neglected in some regard. To avoid conflicts from becoming damaging, it's important to express your feelings to each other.

Another reason many couples begin to have issues is that they prioritize other aspects of life over the relationship. Quality time and staying connected are vital in any healthy relationship. Attempt to find ways to show your partner that you care about them and find out what makes them feel loved and secure in your partnership. By making an effort to understand their needs on a deeper level, you give your relationship a chance to grow for the better.

Understanding what you can control in a relationship and what is out of your hands is important. You cannot control your wife's actions, but you can control your own. Thinking about your actions and showing her that you care does not mean ignoring your own needs. It means recognizing that there is hurt between you and your wife and that someone has to take the first steps to heal. Even though you are focused on paying attention to your wife, you also have to focus on yourself. Work on being the person you want to be, what you consider the best version of you. Working on yourself benefits both you and your partner. By balancing your desires with the needs of your spouse, you allow your relationship to thrive.

Communication And Compromise

One avenue of self-improvement is learning to become a more effective communicator. Communication looks different at work than it does in a romantic relationship. Communication at work may demand a more traditional approach, especially if you are managing employees. In a relationship, communication should be softer around the edges and provide a safe place for both partners to share how they are feeling.

For many people, there are growth opportunities when it comes to communicating with their partners. One of the most important things to learn is the difference between seeking to understand versus trying to "win" during an argument. All of us want to be heard and understood, but it's also important to listen. By allowing a conversation to go both ways and actively listening to what your partner is trying to communicate to you, you can work through conflict in an effective manner. No one wins when an issue becomes hurtful. Instead of looking at discussions as arguments, try approaching them as conversations.

Creating an opportunity to discuss some of the issues in the relationship that have been rocky in the past would be a start in the direction of improving the relationship. If your partner does not want to talk about the relationship, you could start with less emotionally heavy topics to ease into more difficult conversations. Remember to remain patient and compassionate.

If you and your partner have difficulty seeing eye-to-eye when you attempt to communicate, counseling can be a great resource for you moving forward. Though many people seek out counseling when a large issue is present in the relationship, it can be helpful for all couples. By creating a vocabulary that you share when talking about your thoughts and feelings, you can discuss heavy topics with less tension. Therapy also gives you and your partner the chance to have these conversations with a third party who can guide your conversations so that you both feel acknowledged.

Rebuilding Your Relationship After A Separation

If you and your wife are currently separated, your situation may feel direr. It's important to note that some feelings of regret or longing are expected when a relationship ends. Before attempting to reconnect with your ex-partner, you must decide if it's truly what you want. Sometimes people wish to rekindle their romance because they miss an idealized version of what the marriage was. Knowing why the marriage ended and what issues were present is a vital part of your healing process.

If you decide that you do want to move forward with regaining your ex-partner's trust, communicate that to them. You must be both on the same page while you re-establish the connection you once had. If your ex-partner is willing to work on the relationship, then it's a good idea to start by taking small steps. Gradually spending more time together will give you the chance to develop a closer bond.

If a large part of the relationship ending has to do with your hurtful behavior, be patient with your partner as you rebuild their trust. By being consistent in your new ways, you can rebuild their confidence in your ability to be the partner that they need. If they felt that you didn't spend enough time with the kids, be there for their activities, and be on time to pick them up. If they felt that you made them feel unwanted, pay attention to the words you use when you speak to them. If they felt like you weren't financially responsible, focus your efforts on your spending habits.

If infidelity or some other major breach of trust has occurred, it can take longer to re-establish a healthy relationship dynamic. It can be challenging for a person to understand their partner's actions when they're hurtful, and it can take continued compassion to heal. Time and space can give you and your partner both the chance to process and decide what will be needed to move forward. 

A Strained Marriage May Lead To Emotions That Are Hard To Process

Remember that both partners must be interested in resuming the relationship for it to move forward. Rather than taking these steps with the expectation that you will win back your wife, go into it with the expectation that you will treat her the best you can and consider what she wants. Continuing to communicate about your wants and needs is the only way to move forward and repair the relationship.

Counseling is usually reserved as a last resort for many couples facing a break-up, but this does not have to be the case. Even if the issues in your relationship feel minor, talking about them with a therapist gives you the chance to tackle them as a team. Remember that counseling is not a sign of failure or weakness; it is a proactive tactic to work on something you care about.

If your partner is willing, speaking with a licensed couples' counselor at BetterHelp together can help. Having a mental health professional to facilitate your conversations can help keep communication flowing effectively and help give you tools to get stronger as a couple. Knowing how to share your thoughts and feelings in a way that allows you to feel supported will allow you to reach common ground. By actively working through conflict and finding ways to re-establish intimacy, care, and compassion in your relationship, you can grow into a healthy partnership that works for both of you.

Whether you've already gone through a separation or want to reconnect with your partner before finalizing a break-up, therapy is there to offer guidance. Having a non-judgmental space to work through your issues will give you the chance to grow together rather than apart. Even if your partner isn't willing to attend counseling with you, individual therapy can benefit your relationship. Focusing your energy on your overall wellness is an important way to take care of yourself.

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