How A Sexless Marriage Can Affect Couples
A study on marital conflicts found that 21% of individuals feel that intimacy concerns are a conflict in their marriage. Although some couples may feel healthy without an active sex life, others may struggle with a low sex marriage and feel sexual intimacy is necessary. For those that find they are struggling due to a desire discrepancy or a no sex marriage, there are methods of finding support and improving the connection between partners.
Why Do Couples Struggle With Sexual Intimacy?
Lack of marital sex could be due to a variety of factors, including:
Low sexual desire
Lack of emotional connection
Poor communication
Medical problems, such as medications that cause low libido as a side effect
Disability
Mental health issues
Children
Age-related factors, such as hormonal changes or sexual dysfunction
Unresolved anger or resentment within the relationship
Although these challenges and other factors can cause sexless relationships, sexual resurgence may be possible. In some cases, it may take communication or reach out for professional support.
What To Do If You're In A Sexless Marriage
It can be possible to increase the intimacy in your marriage and begin engaging in regular, enjoyable sex again. The following tips may help you bring passion and excitement back to your love life.
Take A Caring Approach
Blaming and accusations may not make your spouse feel more interested in sex. Kindly and considerately communicating your needs and desires to your partner could lead to a healthier, happier sex life and marriage. Consider talking about the whole relationship. Rather than saying, "I want to try this," try saying, "I think this would be fun for us." Being open and listening to your partner talk can help you to better understand their perspective. Let them know if you're not comfortable with something they want to try. Consent is a crucial aspect of a healthy relationship.
Work On Communication
Effective communication can involve more than words. Non-verbal cues may also be necessary, and each partner may have to learn to deliver their message with their spouse's feelings in mind. There are many resources for couples who struggle with effective communication. For example, the love languages quiz might help you and your partner understand how each of you both expresses love and affection and how you like to receive love and affection. You might also try using a workbook on healthy relationship skills.
Figure Out Why Your Marriage Is Sexless
Before you can address the sexual problems in your marriage, you may need to identify them. The issues might not be apparent, or they could be unrelated to sex. For example, emotional distress or frequent arguments may make it challenging to connect physically. Stress in other areas of your world, including work or child-rearing, may also be impacting your relationship and causing you to stop having sex. If the cause of a lack of intimacy is unclear or broaching the subject seems overwhelming, a couples counselor may help both partners open up to each other and discover any underlying concerns.
Have Sex Without Intercourse
For those who feel that their marriage is sexless due to a lack of intercourse, it can be helpful to pleasure each other in different ways. For example, if you usually try only penetration, you could instead experiment with oral sex, using toys, or roleplaying a fantasy.
Some couples might try making out or kissing for long periods to see how long they can go without having sex. Others might try a game like sex dice or read up on new positions. At times, a lack of intimacy may be due to one or both partners feeling dissatisfied with your current sex patterns, which can lead to low desire to have sex in the future. Finding new ways to achieve arousal and orgasm could help you both feel satisfied and look forward to sexual intimacy again.
Explore Other Ways To Be Intimate
When sexual intimacy is lacking, you might want to explore non-sexual methods of intimacy. For example, you could hold hands more often, kiss before work, or write love letters to each other. One study showed that the perceived intimacy and enjoyment of kissing was a factor in how satisfied couples felt in their relationship.
Find Other Outlets For Your Energy And Passion
If your spouse is less sexually driven than you are, you might find joy and relief in other forms of expression. A new hobby or sport can boost well-being and help expel pent-up energy. When you're more relaxed, it might make approaching the topic of intimacy with your partner easier. Additionally, you may find relief from self-stimulation and masturbation. Some couples with differing libido levels choose to have an open marriage, where one or both individuals have sexual experiences with people other than their spouse.
Deal With Underlying Conflicts
While sex might cause some marital issues, sexual conflicts might also be an outward expression of a more pervasive underlying problem in your marriage. Dealing with any underlying issues could be imperative to restoring a healthy sexual relationship.
If you or your partner harbor any anger or resentment toward one another, addressing these repressed emotions could benefit you. If you or your partner struggles with low self-esteem, acknowledging, validating, and working through the issue together can also strengthen your bond.
How Pervasive Are Sexless Marriages?
If you are experiencing a lack of sexual desire or mismatched libido in your marriage, it can be easy to feel like you are alone in your experience. But according to the National Health and Social Life Survey published by the University of Chicago Press, the most comprehensive analysis of American sexual behavior to date, 20% of married couples experienced sexual intimacy fewer than ten times in the past year. While that level of sexual activity may be satisfying for some couples, other couples may desire a more active sex life within their marriage.
Hope For Sexless Marriages
In many situations, sex can be a taboo subject. However, in relationships, it may be beneficial to have open communication about the topic. In an interview with the Huffington Post, sex therapist Kimberly Resnick Anderson explained that couples tend to "collude in silence," refusing to deal with the emotions that have contributed to their lack of sex.
There is no shame in talking about sex. Vanessa Marin, a licensed sex therapist, told the Huffington Post, "It's so helpful to have someone there to guide you through these sensitive discussions and give you concrete strategies for getting your sex life back on track." Marin adds, "Once you've gotten to a dark place in your relationship, it's hard to work your way out of it on your own. Being able to ask for help is a huge sign of strength."
Types Of Sexless Marriages
Sexual frequency levels that satisfy one couple may not work for another. However, there is some research demonstrating how much sexual intimacy may be needed for a happy marriage: studies show that couples who engage in sexual activity less than once per week report lower happiness levels than those having frequent sex. Below are four types of sexless marriages.
Mismatched Definitions Of "Sex"
While some people consider penetration to be sex, others might characterize their marriages as sexless due to a lack of other types of stimulation. However, the definition of sex can vary per couple, and not all couples can have or desire penetration. Human sexuality is complex. Married heterosexual or homosexual couples can have sex with or without penetration, toys, or other forms of intimacy. What "intercourse" means for you can be subjective.
In these cases, looking at the underlying cause of the concern might be beneficial. For example, perhaps one partner is uncomfortable with the other partner's idea of how sex should occur. Maybe one partner feels uncomfortable with their body. Open conversations about the lack of a particular sexual act can be beneficial.
Rare Or No Sexual Intimacy
Lack of sexual intimacy could cause marital conflict if there is a lack of overall intimacy in the relationship. If passion and intimacy aren't present, you may see your partner as a friend, roommate, or companion rather than as a loving, caring spouse.
Intimacy can involve an emotional connection that enriches a couple's life. Consider that sex and intimacy may not always be the same. Sex in a romantic relationship might be intimate, but intimacy without sex and sex without intimacy can also be possible.
Little Or No Sexual Interest
Some married individuals or couples have no desire to engage in sex. In some cases, one partner might lack a sex drive while the other desires more sexual intimacy. Approximately one-third of women between 18 and 59 lose interest in sex, and around 15% of men report a loss of interest. However, some men may not open up about their declining sex drive due to stigmas around male mental health and masculinity.
Low-Quality Sex
Sexual problems in marriages may not always be about frequency or interest but, at times, the quality of sexual encounters. For some married people, sex may lose its excitement by becoming seemingly dull or mechanical. Low-quality sex can affect a couple's sex life.
Communicating about what you want from sex rather than how often you want sex may address these concerns. Sex therapy could help you and your partner open up to one another and explore new potential interests and activities to improve your sexual experiences. It may also be beneficial to view sex as a common intimate activity instead of a road to personal gratification or orgasm.
Is A Sexless Marriage A Problem?
If both partners feel satisfied with a marriage that does not include sex, it may not be a problem for that relationship. They may find other ways to show intimacy, such as kissing, cuddling, or spending time together. In some cases, one or both partners might identify as asexual, a sexual orientation marked by a lack of sexual attraction. In these cases, it may be normal for a marriage not to have sex or to have a low amount of sex.
For others, a lack of sex becomes a problem and can have a number of negative impacts on the relationship, including the following.
Unhappiness
Spouses who crave more sex or feel dissatisfied with their sex life might feel unhappy overall with the marriage. They may start to crave outside relationships or struggle with finding an outlet to release sexual energy. If marital unhappiness persists, one or both spouses may also find themselves experiencing symptoms of depression.
Infidelity
You or your spouse may feel so unsatisfied in the marriage that you turn to people outside of the relationship to satisfy your sexual needs. In these cases, jealousy, distrust, or divorce may result. Even in an open relationship, negative feelings may occur on both sides if certain acts are not consensual.
Self-Esteem Issues
Partners may experience low self-esteem if they don't feel sexually attractive or desired. They might believe something is wrong with their bodies or their partner doesn't find them desirable. In some cases, they may feel uncomfortable with their partner seeing their body naked or feel that they cannot be vulnerable with their partner.
Uncertainty And Instability
If you struggle with the topic of sex, you might feel that your relationship could end. You may notice your emotional connection dwindling and a sense of detachment growing between you and your spouse. When partners distance themselves from each other, the marriage may become less stable.
Lack Of Intimacy
There can be other forms of intimacy besides sex, including deep conversation, touching, holding hands, and kissing. Partners might notice that other forms of intimacy drop off when sex is not happening as often.
Blaming And Fighting
Individuals in a sex-starved marriage may feel bitter, hostile, or vindictive. They might have arguments with their spouse about the lack of sex. If one partner lacks sexual interest, that person may feel overcome with guilt or believe they're doing something wrong.
When Is It Time to Move On?
If your partner can't meet your sexual needs, you might begin to question whether you should end the relationship. If you or your partner are considering infidelity or feel the sexual concerns cannot be healed, it may be an indication that the best choice is to move on from the relationship. Additionally, if one or both partners is not sexually attracted to the other as they once were, it may be a sign that they are no longer interested in the other as a romantic partner. Although marriages can exist without sex, some individuals feel sex is necessary.
Although you may choose to end your relationship due to struggles with sex or intimacy, you might also reach out to a couples therapist for further support before making a decision.
Counseling Options
A lack of intimacy may make you feel isolated and alone. You may choose individual counseling, couple's counseling, or both to discuss your concerns with or without your partner.
It can be normal to have busy lives and schedules that make it difficult to find time for individual or couples therapy. You might consider online counseling if one or both partners struggle to find time for traditional in-person therapy. Online therapy allows couples to receive care according to availability, giving them more control over their therapeutic experience. One study assessed the effectiveness of an online intervention for couples experiencing relationship issues. Results indicated improvements in relationship satisfaction, mental health, and all other outcome scores over time.
If you're interested in reaching out to a therapist, consider a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples. Both platforms offer availability to over 30,000 therapists specializing in various concerns, including marital issues.
Takeaway
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Below are some of the most frequently asked questions about sexless marriages.
What Does Lack Of Intimacy Do To A Person?
Emotional and physical intimacy are often essential aspects of a relationship. A lack of physical intimacy and sexual intercourse may be a motivator for divorce or marital conflict. It can cause partners to feel resentment, a desire to cheat, or a loss of interest in the relationship. Sexless marriages may last, but it can take effort. It may involve being on the same page, staying faithful, and understanding the natural ebb and flow of love, marriage, and relationships. If there is less sexual frequency or intimacy in a relationship, one partner might feel lonely, while another may feel that they are being pressured.
Is A Sexless Marriage Normal?
A sexless marriage can occur for many couples. Sexual desire may not exist 24/7 in every relationship or at all. One or both partners may lose interest, have difficulty with sexual functioning, or lose the desire they felt at the beginning of their relationship. There can be many underlying causes of a sexless relationship.
In some cases, one partner may have experienced harmful past experiences. It may not mean they've lost all sexual interest, but it could mean that outside help would be beneficial. For some, professional medical advice allows them to rekindle a spark. One or both partners can partake in therapy to gain therapeutic coping mechanisms and strategies for intimacy.
How Long Do Sexless Marriages Last?
A sexless relationship can last from short to long term. Some people might experience it for a few weeks when sickness, life changes, or outside circumstances prevent it. Others might experience it for the entire marriage or years. Less sex during a period may not mean it cannot change.
If you want your sexless marriage to survive, it could be possible to learn ways to reconnect. Consider a relationship coach or therapist to help you begin the process.
What does a lack of intimacy do to a person?
Is a sexless marriage normal?
How long do sexless marriages last?
What usually happens in a sexless marriage?
What percentage of sexless marriages end in divorce?
Is it okay to be in a sexless marriage?
Is once a week a sexless marriage?
Is it cheating if you are in a sexless marriage?
Why do marriages turn sexless?
Is once a month a sexless marriage?
- Previous Article
- Next Article