My husband is having a midlife crisis: What can I do to support them?

Many of us can describe common signs of a midlife crisis, but this life stage looks different for everyone. Some people live their middle-aged years without much anxiety or remorse, while others struggle with the aging process.

If your husband has a midlife crisis, recognizing their struggles can be the first step in showing support. After acknowledging these challenges, you can create a plan to support their mental health and the stability of your marriage. 

What is a midlife crisis?

While there’s no universal definition for a midlife crisis, this concept is generally described as a period of distress during the middle years of adulthood. From roughly 35 to 65, some may experience life events or concerns related to their occupations, health, and relationships. 

The American Psychological Association (APA) recognizes the lack of scientific evidence to suggest that this sense of “crisis” is specific to midlife; however, middle age often coincides with new realizations and challenging emotions, which are valid and often intense experiences. In response to midlife changes, some people may make abrupt shifts in their spending habits, careers, or other areas of daily life. 

While midlife crises are often associated with men in popular culture, one study of people in the U.S. and their perception of midlife crises noted that women are just as likely to report having a midlife crisis. Ultimately, more recent and extensive research is needed to understand the range of experiences that people may describe as midlife crises. This research could help develop tools to support the mental health of middle-aged people.

How do I know if my husband is having a midlife crisis?

Researchers continue to study the meaning and causes of midlife crises, which vary widely depending on gender, culture, and other life circumstances. As a result, you may not know whether your husband is experiencing a midlife crisis or simply overwhelmed by the stressors of this life stage. 

Based on our current understanding of midlife crises, there isn’t a single sign or assessment to determine whether your husband is having a midlife crisis. While this experience isn’t a medical diagnosis, some signs that may indicate your husband is experiencing a midlife crisis include: 

• Dramatic changes in health-related behaviors, including sleep, diet, and hygiene
• Mood swings or short-tempered outbursts
• Increased anxiety, irritability, or sadness
• Disinterest in old hobbies or career
• Feelings of nostalgia, shame, guilt, worthlessness, and fatigue
• Impulsive or erratic behavior, such as infidelity or expensive purchases

As a spouse, you can talk to your husband about changes and the possibility of a midlife crisis and potentially seek professional help to address any underlying mental health concerns. 

Five ways to support your husband during a midlife crisis

In a sustainable marriage, both partners may encounter times of hardship, sometimes simultaneously, but often at different junctures and for various reasons. In sustainable marriages, partners learn how to care for each other while fulfilling their individual needs. The following five strategies can support you and your husband during a midlife crisis.

Focus on active listening

If your husband is having a midlife crisis, you may be confused (or frustrated) by unusual behavior or seemingly out-of-the-blue changes in their demeanor. Consider trying the technique of active listening in your everyday conversations. 

Active listeners aim to get to the “core” of another person’s message by listening closely and asking questions as needed. If your husband’s behavior seems irrational or unexpected, this listening technique can help you better understand their motivations and connect to them on a deeper emotional level. 

In addition to careful listening and questioning, active listeners also refrain from judgment, maintain eye contact, and try to paraphrase and summarize the other person’s words to clarify their meaning. In conversations with your husband, phrases like “What I’m hearing you say is…” or “What it sounds like you’re saying is…” allow you to check your understanding of their words before formulating your concerns or advice. If this wording feels awkward, you might try something like, “So, you’re saying …, is that right?”

Schedule quality time and activities together

During a midlife crisis, some men may become disillusioned with their favorite activities or withdraw from their friends and loved ones. Instead of investing in hobbies and relationships, your husband may be worried about an impending career change or a shift in their family dynamic.

Scheduling quality time together on your calendar can provide something to eagerly anticipate. When your husband rediscovers the joy of a favorite activity, they may be more inclined to get into a pre-existing or improved routine. 

Many couples share hobbies, but you can also try something new to challenge yourselves and encounter new people or places. Regardless of the pursuit, married couples who share activities and interests can gain valuable insights into each other’s personalities and enhance their trust, intimacy, and communication.

Take care of yourself

When your husband or another loved one struggles, you may feel inclined to deprioritize your self-care to attend to their needs. While caring for loved ones is a part of almost any relationship, marriage also means taking time to care for yourself.

If you’re around the same age as your husband, you may be facing midlife challenges of your own. Compounded with daily life stressors, this stage may illuminate the importance of self-care and valuing your space and time. Finding restorative alone time can seem tricky, especially when you live with someone. 

Some self-care tips for people in relationships include: 

• Find your own hobbies: As noted before, shared hobbies are good, but couples don’t need to share every moment or interest to maintain a strong bond. Follow your curiosity and pursue your interests, and feel free to share what you’ve learned with your husband. 
• Stay connected: You may share some social groups and friends with your husband, but having separate circles and connections can also be beneficial. 

Relationships fulfill different needs, and you may lean more on other friends and loved ones at various points in your marriage. As your husband navigates their own challenges, you can encourage them to reach out to old friends or mentors who may offer additional support and perspective. 

Express your needs: Big and small

You and your husband might want to work to communicate more effectively about “big” topics like finances, family, and sex. In many relationships, discussing your needs and goals in these realms is a must, but from an everyday perspective, the seemingly small stuff also carries weight. 

For example, your husband might prefer TV before bed, while you want the lights out immediately. Or maybe your husband favors a different cuisine or diet, leading to tension during date night or a trip to the grocery store.

You and your husband likely have different needs, and they may evolve during midlife and beyond. By discussing their preferences and quirks as they arise, couples can become more attentive to each other’s needs and proactively address any areas of potential conflict. 

Consider couples therapy

Your husband’s midlife crisis may present unexpected challenges or realizations in your marriage. While some couples effectively work through this period of life with the support of friends and loved ones, a therapist may be able to offer additional insights and coping strategies. 

Whether conducted in-person or online, couples therapy can be a valuable tool for married people before, during, and after their middle-aged years. Some prefer digital therapy platforms like BetterHelp, which connect people to therapists within a few days of completing a brief questionnaire. Every BetterHelp therapist has at least three years of professional experience, and some specialize in working with married couples and other romantic partners. 

A growing body of research indicates that online therapy can be an effective mental health intervention for couples and individuals. One study explored the potential of a guided online program to improve the relationships between people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and their intimate partners. After completing the program, participants with PTSD showed significant improvements in their symptoms, and their partners reported higher relationship satisfaction. 

More research is needed to understand the effectiveness of this program and other online interventions for couples. Still, this study indicates the future potential of online mental health services for PTSD, relationship enhancement, and related concerns. 

Note that neither partner must have a mental health diagnosis to qualify for therapeutic services. Online counselors help all kinds of people progress toward relationships, careers, and personal goals.