"My Partner Doesn't Want To Be In A Monogamous Relationship”: Addressing A Mismatch

Non-monogamy is a type of relationship style that’s characterized by romantic and/or sexual openness, or non-exclusivity. It can take many different forms, but all exist in contrast to monogamy, which implies romantic and/or sexual exclusivity. People can have a wide variety of different relationship-style preferences, and all are valid, though it’s typically ideal that they be practiced in an ethical manner with the consent of all parties. 

However, conflict can arise when partners in a romantic relationship realize they’re not aligned in this area—such as when one person wants a monogamous relationship, and another doesn’t. Here, we'll examine some common types of non-monogamous relationships, why someone might choose one relationship style over another, and what to do if you and your partner disagree about what you want for your future together.   

Understanding non-monogamous relationships

If your partner suggests a non-monogamous relationship, it can help to learn more about exactly what they’re envisioning, as there are many different types of non-monogamy. For the purpose of this discussion, we’ll be talking about those that fall under the umbrella of ethical or consensual non-monogamy. These terms refer to relationships where all parties agree ahead of time to engage in a non-monogamous dynamic. Some common subtypes of non-monogamous relationships include the following:

• Open relationships: a general phrase for consensually non-monogamous partnerships. Open relationships are typically structured around a married or longer-term committed couple who are "open" to sexual contact with others.
• Polyamory: a relationship style that enables people to pursue numerous romantic and/or sexual relationships simultaneously and openly 
• Swinging: In this type of relationship, couples exchange partners voluntarily for sexual purposes. Swinging can take the form of brief encounters at a swinger's club or party to sex between groups of friends who spend both sexual and social time together.
• Relationship anarchy (RA): a less defined type of non-monogamy that focuses on each partner’s individual needs and desires over specific guidelines or hierarchies. Open communication and negotiation are essential in RA to avoid prioritizing one partner's needs over another's. 
• Polyfidelity: an exclusive type of polyamory where a group of three or more form an exclusive relationship. This type of open relationship is characterized by a strict agreement among participants regarding who is included and who is not. 
• Solo polyamory: an arrangement where one person loves or is in relationship with multiple partners without seeking to establish a primary partnership or to cohabit

Why people may choose one relationship style over another

According to a 2021 survey, around 11% of Americans report having been involved in a polyamorous relationship at some point and almost 17% say they’re interested in this relationship model. These statistics suggest that while monogamy is still the most common relationship style, interest in alternative relationship formats is increasing. They also indicate that having a conversation about what relationship style you and a partner each prefer may now be a key part of cultivating harmony and alignment in your romantic life.

Different individuals have different needs and preferences regarding relationships, and what works for one person may not work for another. Ultimately, the choice to pursue monogamy or non-monogamy is a personal one based on individual values, desires, and circumstances.

When it comes to non-monogamy, some people consider this relationship style to be an inherent part of their identity. It may give them a sense of personal freedom and autonomy, allowing them to define and structure their connections in ways that align with their values and desires rather than feeling pressured to conform to societal norms. Some non-monogamous people also report valuing this relationship style because it offers them unique opportunities to sharpen their skills related to open communication, negotiation of boundaries, and self-awareness. Still others may simply find it to be a better fit for their lifestyle or goals.

Those who choose monogamy may have reasons for doing so that are just as varied and unique. Some people may link it to their culture or religion. Others prefer to get support from and invest in mutual growth with one other person rather than multiple people. A monogamous person may also feel that they don’t have the time or emotional energy to expend on multiple partners, or that non-monogamy doesn’t align with their life goals for the future.

Tips for couples who disagree about their preferred relationship style

Again, alignment on what type of relationship style you each prefer is typically crucial to having a harmonious romantic and/or sexual relationship(s). In particular, if your partner wants a non-monogamous dynamic while you prefer exclusivity, there are steps you may take to establish whether you can find common ground or if you're better off parting ways. 

Reflect on your own needs

First, it can be helpful to take time to reflect on your own needs, desires, and boundaries. You might consider whether you’re open to exploring a non-monogamous relationship or if monogamy is non-negotiable for you. While open-mindedness can be rewarding in many circumstances, it’s usually important that you make decisions based on your true feelings rather than a desire to please your partner or to keep the relationship intact at all costs. Journaling, learning more about non-monogamy, and talking it out with a friend or therapist can all be helpful ways to uncover what you really want for your future.

Have an open and honest conversation

Though having a vulnerable conversation about your needs and desires for your romantic and sexual connection with your partner can be nerve-wracking, it’s generally required in order to decide whether it makes sense to stay together. You might set aside a specific time with your partner to discuss this topic in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed. You can then each take turns discussing your respective desires and needs for romantic and sexual connection in an honest and open way.

Practice active listening

Conversations about relationship styles can quickly become tense since feelings like anxiety and jealousy have the potential to surface. For best results, it can be helpful to aim to keep yourself calm and practice active listening to better understand your partner’s point of view. Practicing deep breathing and taking breaks as needed could help, and striving to remain open and hear what your partner is really saying can be a useful goal too. They may have their own set of values, wishes for variety, or understanding of love and commitment that could be different from yours. It’s usually most productive to try and understand their perspective without judgment.

Seek compromise or reevaluate

Once each person’s needs and desires have been expressed, it’s time to see whether there’s a possibility of them fitting together. It can be helpful for both partners to enter this phase with a balance of open-mindedness and commitment to their own personal desires and boundaries.

Sometimes, understanding your partner’s motivations for pursuing one style over another can produce creative solutions. For example, in some cases, a person who proposed an open relationship may simply feel sexually disconnected from their current partner, so the solution can involve rebuilding that connection together. Or, a person who leans more toward monogamy but is willing to explore some level of openness may realize they’re comfortable with swinging together but not engaging in outside sexual relationships without their partner. After all, when it comes to relationship styles, partners can design whatever guidelines or parameters work best for them.

That said, it’s crucial that both partners remain honest and firm on their boundaries during this phase. There’s no guarantee that alignment can be found, even among two people who care deeply for each other. Someone who is fundamentally uncomfortable with one relationship style could end up emotionally harmed or resentful if they agree to it anyway, leading to additional conflict down the road. If you and your partner find that you’re incompatible in your relationship preferences, you may need to consider stepping away so that both of you can find other situations in which your needs may be fulfilled.

How a therapist can help with relationship disagreements 

Again, discussions about relationship styles can be tense and emotional. That’s why having a neutral individual like a therapist to facilitate such conversations can be helpful. If busy schedules make it difficult for you and your partner to meet with a provider in person, online therapy may be a more convenient option. One study also suggests that couples who participated in therapy via a virtual format reported feeling more comfortable and “less judged” when sharing their feelings. Or you could consider individual therapy—whether in person or virtually—if you’re looking for personal support in exploring what your own needs and desires are around relationships.

With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of home. Research suggests that online therapy can usually offer similar benefits to in-person sessions, so you and/or your partner may feel comfortable choosing whichever format you prefer.

Takeaway

Relationships can be as diverse as human beings themselves, and each individual may have different needs and preferences in this area. If your partner wants a non-monogamous relationship style and you don’t, having an honest conversation on the topic, striving to understand each other’s point of view, aiming for compromise, and meeting with an individual and/or couples therapist could all be helpful.