Dating Someone With High Neuroticism: How To Offer Kindness And Empathy

Neuroticism is a proposed personality trait in several personality theories. It’s characterized by a predisposition to strongly experiencing challenging emotions and mood swings and trouble managing stress. People with neurotic traits may have additional trouble forming or maintaining healthy relationships as a result of this trait, and they’re often quicker to experience frustration when facing challenges.

If you’re dating someone who has high neurotic traits, you may notice that some of these negatively impact your relationship. Understanding how to meet neuroticism with kindness and empathy while still respecting your own boundaries can be helpful in promoting harmony in such a connection. 

Understanding personality theories 

Again, neuroticism is considered a personality trait according to some personality theories—but it’s worth noting that although such theories are widely accepted ideas, they’re not necessarily fact. Also note that personality traits are not the same as a mental health diagnosis, and those who are experiencing signs of a mental health condition are generally encouraged to seek the support of a professional.

Personality theories assign traits to individuals based on key actions, desires, thoughts, and feelings. These traits might be mainly behavioral, such as extraversion and introversion, or focused on emotions, like neuroticism or agreeableness.

One of the most well-known personality frameworks is the Big Five Personality theory. The traits outlined in this theory include the following: 

1. Neuroticism
2. Agreeableness
3. Openness
4. Extraversion
5. Conscientiousness 

What is neuroticism? 

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), neuroticism is a personality trait relating to the experience of neurosis—which is “characterized by a chronic level of emotional instability and proneness to psychological distress.” It may manifest as obsessive thoughts, sadness, frequent anger, or a lack of awareness. 

Or, per Eysenck’s Dimensions theory, a system for classifying personality types, neuroticism can also be described as a lack of stability, frequent mood swings, poor emotional judgment, health anxiety, and difficulty trusting others. Certain nervous system reactions like severe anxiety, stress, and the fight-or-flight response are often associated with neuroticism. While personality traits like this are generally considered to be stable throughout a person’s life, it may be possible to learn to better manage them through healthy coping mechanisms.

How do you know if your partner has high neuroticism? 

There are a few different signs your partner may be living with high neuroticism. However, be aware that many signs of unmanaged high neuroticism are also symptoms of certain mental illnesses. If your partner is experiencing symptoms of a mental illness, you may want to encourage them to seek professional support.

What is it like dating someone with high neuroticism? 

Each person is different, even if they share some of the same traits. To understand what it may be like to date someone with high neuroticism, it can be beneficial to look at these common traits in more detail as a starting point. Remember, traits like these can usually be managed with the right coping mechanisms, so the below situations may be more common in a relationship with someone who has not yet learned to manage these tendencies.

Emotional ups and downs

Someone with high neurotic tendencies may be more likely to experience frequent and/or extreme emotional ups and downs, otherwise known as mood swings. They might go through periods of antisocial behavior and periods of intense anxiety, for example. It can sometimes be challenging for a partner to keep up with these moods.

Potential for increased conflict

As neuroticism is associated with unpredictable behavior, arguments or disagreements in a relationship where one or more individuals have neurotic traits can quickly escalate. In some cases, a person with high neuroticism may also initiate conflicts based on their immediate emotional reactions, which could feel sudden or confusing to their partner.

Unreliability 

Another trait associated with unpredictable emotions is unreliability. People with high neuroticism might struggle to keep up with scheduling and may go back on their promises due to the strength of their emotional responses. 

Difficulty accepting love

A person who scores high on the scale of trait neuroticism may have trouble receiving love and feeling secure in their relationship, which can cause their partner to feel insecure too. They might live with low self-esteem or feel otherwise undeserving of love, which may sometimes be linked to an avoidant attachment style.

How to support a partner with neuroticism

If your partner has high neuroticism, you may wonder what you can do to support them through emotional challenges and help you both feel more secure in the relationship. The following tips could help.

Offer empathy 

Although supporting a partner with unpredictable emotions may sometimes be difficult, aiming to be empathetic toward them and their experiences may help you both. Instead of judging them or pointing out any illogical elements to their emotional responses, you might let them know that you’re there for what they’re going through, even if you don’t fully understand it. A few empathetic statements you might use include the following: 

• “I can see this is hurting you.”
• “I’ve heard you say you’re feeling [X]. That sounds difficult; how can I help?” 
• “I can feel your pain, and I want to be there for you.” 
• “Let’s come up with a solution together. I’m by your side.” 
• “I support your position on this topic.” 
• “Even if I don’t understand, I feel your pain and I love you.” 
• “Can I try paraphrasing what you said to see if I understand you correctly?” 
• “I agree with some of what you’re saying. Can you explain one aspect to me further?” 
• “That would have hurt my feelings, too.” 

Empathetic statements like these may help de-escalate the intensity of the situation and show your partner that you don’t judge their reactions and that you’re there to help—even if they don’t always make sense to you. 

Don’t try to “fix” them 

It’s understandable to want to try and “fix” problems for someone you care about, but tasks like personal growth and learning to manage emotions on one’s own typically fall mostly on the individual. While you can and generally should provide encouragement and emotional support within your own boundaries, aiming to solve things for your partner is usually not realistic or even what’s best for them. 

Set boundaries 

Neuroticism can come with intense behaviors and emotions that may cloud someone’s judgment and cause them to push the boundaries of others. In these cases, being firm in what you will and won’t accept can be beneficial to your own well-being. For example, if a partner yells at you when angry, you can say, “I’m leaving the room until you’re ready to speak to me without yelling. I love you, but I don’t deserve to be treated this way.” However, if you feel your partner is acting abusively, you have the right to exit the situation to prioritize your safety and well-being. 

If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788. You can also use their online chat. 

Support options for individuals and couples 

All relationships may have their difficulties, whether they’re due to individual personality traits, mental health conditions, attachment styles, or any number of other challenges that can arise. If you’re looking for support in managing challenges in your romantic partnership, you might consider engaging in therapy.

In individual therapy, you can learn more about yourself, your personality, your habits, and the way you show up in relationships. A therapist can also help you sharpen skills like communication, boundary-setting, and conflict resolution. Or, in couples therapy, a licensed provider can help you and your partner find common ground, learn healthier ways of relating to each other, and improve your communication.

Not everyone has the means to travel to and/or afford traditional in-person therapy sessions, however. In cases like these, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples can represent a more convenient and cost-effective option. According to research, therapy conducted virtually can be as effective as therapy conducted in person in many cases.