What New Dads Can Do To Build Intimacy With Their Children
If you’re a father who’s new to parenting, you may be a bit uncertain about how to start building a connection with your child. The bond between babies and mothers can seem natural and effortless (though many moms might feel differently). You might feel like you’re lacking the closeness that comes with breastfeeding, childbirth, and nine months of pregnancy. What can you do as a new dad to build intimacy with your infant?
Most of the key ways to create a rapport with your baby have nothing to do with who gave birth. Skin-to-skin cuddling, eye contact, and speaking or singing to your child can all help with the formation of the father-child bond. So can taking an active role in their care, including feeding time. Keep reading for more ideas on how to nurture closeness with your child as a new father.
Why intimacy matters for fathers and babies
Stereotypical images of families often picture the mother as the warm, supportive nurturer and the father as a stern disciplinarian. And many people aren’t clear on whether it’s really necessary for dads to be close to their newborn infants. After all, the child doesn’t usually depend on you for sustenance in the same direct way.
Some studies also point to the important psychological benefits of paternal-infant bonding. One experiment found that babies with less intimacy and trust in their fathers weren’t as adept at controlling their emotions in unfamiliar situations. They were less likely to exhibit exploratory, problem-solving behavior and more likely to show signs of fear.
These kinds of differences may have long-term effects on your child’s personality and mental health. The 2011 book Emerging Topics on Father Attachment reported that children had better emotional control and paid more attention in school if their fathers displayed sensitivity to their fear in infancy. Early father-and-child interactions might also be important in developing the ability to feel confident, trusting, and personally safe in adult relationships. (Note: Mental health research is constantly evolving, so older sources may contain information or theories that have been reevaluated since their original publication date.)
Why some fathers may struggle to bond with their infants
Despite the many positive effects of intimacy between dads and their babies, many men find it hard to develop this connection. This may be partly due to cultural perceptions and expectations.
A study following 15 new fathers in the UK found that even those who had intended to be highly involved in parenting often felt relegated to the sidelines. Many felt that their friends, colleagues, and workplace superiors gave them less leeway in taking time for childcare. Instead, they were expected to focus on providing support for the mother, who was seen as the principal caregiver.
Some people may adopt this attitude toward fathers without realizing it, based on unconscious assumptions and biases. This can be particularly detrimental to infant bonding when it comes from the other parent. Mothers who instinctively view men as less skilled at childcare may limit their partners’ ability to get involved. This phenomenon is often called “maternal gatekeeping.”
Dads may absorb and internalize some of these attitudes. Many haven’t been raised with strong societal expectations that they’ll be natural caretakers. This can cause them to be more insecure, indecisive, and hesitant about getting involved in childcare, which may limit their bonding with their young children.
How to build more intimacy with your child as a new dad
Let’s say you’re a new or expecting father, and you want to ensure that you form strong emotional bonds with your baby. How can you overcome the difficulties we’ve described and nurture a healthy relationship?
Cuddle early and often
Scientists have known for some time that early skin-to-skin contact between mother and child is a major factor in developing a stable attachment. Contact with fathers has gotten less attention, but recent research suggests that it’s also important for dads to snuggle with their kids. When your baby’s body is in contact with yours, they can learn to associate your smell with comfort, helping them to feel safe with you. The more time you spend holding your child, keeping them warm, and letting them relax in your presence, the more likely you are to have a strong connection.
Talk and sing to them
It may be helpful to start chatting with and singing to your child while they’re in the womb, as there’s evidence that they may learn to recognize individual voices even before they’re born. Once they’re in your arms, talking to them about the world around them may also help their cognitive development.
Look into their eyes
While singing those lullabies, you might want to meet your baby’s gaze as much as possible. Neurological research indicates that sustained eye contact appears to cause your brain waves and those of your child to synchronize. The study also found that this increased similarity in brain activity was linked with communicative behavior from infants. By staring into those big eyes, you may be ensuring that you and your baby literally get on the same wavelength.
Cooperate on childcare
The lack of a strong co-parenting relationship ranks high among obstacles to father-child bonding. When both parents have equal childcare responsibilities, it may be easier to find the intimacy you’re looking for with your baby. So you may want to ensure you maintain a strong bond with your fellow parent and give them the support they need.
Help with nighttime care
Nighttime may be a particularly good opportunity to get some father-child bonding in while stepping up as a parent. Researchers have discovered that although mothers usually handle the task of soothing babies back to sleep, children seem to get more rest when fathers are involved. This might be because dads are less likely to smell like milk and trigger a desire for feeding, which could prolong the child’s wakefulness. So when your baby wakes up distressed in the middle of the night, it may be the perfect time to bond with them.
Play with them
Simply having fun with your infant can be a great way to nurture intimacy. Even before they’re big enough to move around on their own, you can bounce them, wiggle their hands and feet, and make them laugh with games like Peek-a-Boo. As they get older, you can start crawling around with them and joining in when they play with toys and stuffed animals. Engaging your child’s imagination is often a great way to build a strong bond with them.
Be patient
Yes, bonding between fathers and children is important. However, it’s not necessarily a problem if you don’t feel intimately connected with your baby the instant you meet them. The early days of parenting can be a stressful time, and as we noted above, you haven’t spent nine months carrying your child around and developing a strong attachment. You may want to remind yourself that it’s okay if it takes time to form a deep bond with your baby.
Make time for mental health
Did you know that dads can also experience postpartum depression? If you’re having persistent negative feelings like sadness, emptiness, irritability, or lack of enjoyment, it could affect your ability to connect with your child. You may want to practice some self-care to make sure that the stress of new parenthood isn’t making you depressed. Among the things that may help:
- Regular exercise
- Proper sleep hygiene
- Socializing with friends and family
- Spending time outdoors and in nature
- Eating healthy foods
- Meditating
Therapy might help you relate to your child
If feelings of depression or insecurities about your parenting skills are getting in the way of bonding with your newborn, you may want to address those difficulties in therapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy has proven effective at alleviating a wide range of psychological challenges, including postpartum depression. If you’re having trouble imagining how therapy could fit into your busy schedule as a new dad, you might want to look into online therapy. Finding time to talk with your therapist may be easier when you can do it from home.
Online cognitive-behavioral therapy can be a highly effective form of treatment. One meta-analysis reviewed studies including nearly 10,000 participants and concluded that internet therapy was a helpful treatment approach for a wide range of conditions. The researchers saw “no differences in effectiveness” between online and in-person sessions with a therapist.
Takeaway
How can I be intimate with my child?
If you are wondering how to build intimacy with your child, odds are you are probably already on a positive track toward a strong parent-child relationship. Intimate relationships can be fostered between parents and children in everyday life by creating situations in which the child feels a sense of emotional stability when they are around their parents. These situations do not have to be complicated - they can be as simple as paying attention to your child’s needs, having a positive response when your child reaches out to you, and discussing authentic feelings with your child.
How do I keep my relationship strong with my kids?
Keeping your relationship with your child strong can follow the same process as establishing a strong relationship with your child in the first place. Continuing to maintain physical closeness and eye contact, letting your child know that you love them, and demonstrating to your child that you are a source of comfort, safety, and stability in their lives can all help to build and keep a strong relationship between the two of you.
How do you know if your child feels loved?
Different children express themselves in different ways, and it may not be possible to figure out whether or not your child genuinely feels loved. Often, the most effective way to parent in situations where you are unsure if your child feels loved is to express your unconditional love toward them as regularly as possible and in as many different ways as you can. This expression doesn’t always have to look like saying, “I love you.” Demonstrating an engaged response when your child reaches out to you can teach them that they’re loved. Avoiding a negative comment or hurtful response when your child does something you disapprove of can also be beneficial. Additionally, you can show your child they are loved by paying attention to their emotional state. Let’s say you have a daughter with an upcoming school dance, and you can tell she’s nervous about it. Reaching out to her with a reassuring comment before she even comes to you for help can demonstrate to her that she’s important to you.
Why do I feel disconnected from my kids?
Parenting is not a linear process. There may be various points in your parenting journey when you feel disconnected from your kids, from the first time your sweet baby throws a temper tantrum to the moment you realize your teenager has been sneaking out of the house behind your back. It can be helpful in these moments to recognize that disconnection and strife are not a reflection of you as a parent, but rather a normal component of parenting - and, in some cases, an essential aspect of your child growing up, differentiating themselves, and becoming their own person.
How do you know if your child is unhappy?
Children can differ in the ways they express their emotions, even within the same family unit. You may have one child that makes it very clear, very fast, if they are unhappy, and another that keeps their feelings mostly to themselves. Shifts in your child’s behavior could be a warning sign that your child may be unhappy and not discussing their emotions with you. They may withdraw into themselves or stop displaying interest in activities they used to enjoy.
How do you build an unbreakable bond with your child?
Parent-child relationships go through their ups and downs, and there is likely no way to entirely avoid the “downs.” But, as long you make sure your child knows they are unconditionally loved and supported, and you encourage your child to be exactly who they are, odds are that your bond will be maintained throughout your lifetime.
What is depleted mother syndrome?
Depleted mother syndrome, while not a clinical medical condition, has become a somewhat popular term for the emotional and physical exhaustion some mothers may feel (“mommy burnout” is a similar phrase). Society still expects more from mothers than fathers, and under pressure to “do it all,” many mothers may start to feel as though they are running on empty and do not have sufficient resources to parent effectively. Strong support systems can be a helpful way of both avoiding and addressing this situation.
How do I know if I'm a good mum?
The parenting journey can be complicated, and it is difficult to not automatically assume that any issue in your relationship with your child is all your fault. It takes real self-discipline to recognize that insecurities around your parenting are normal, and to not allow these insecurities to negatively impact your family life and intimate interactions with your children. There is no standard definition of a good or bad parent, so there is no way to definitively determine if your parenting is helping or hurting your child. In general, as long as you are demonstrating unconditional love and support for your child, you are likely being the best parent you can be. If you would like a professional assessment of your parenting situation and to learn beneficial parenting techniques, it may be helpful to consult with a licensed and accredited therapist with expertise in family dynamics and child development.
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