Understanding How To Reparent Yourself: Where To Begin

Reparenting is a journey of self-discovery and self-compassion. It often involves acknowledging and nurturing your inner child. You may have experienced moments in your past when your emotional needs were not met. These moments can have the potential to have a lasting impact on emotional well-being and life skills.

Whether you're seeking strategies to overcome past traumas or aiming to enhance your emotional intelligence, it can be crucial to lay the groundwork for your journey. Reparenting may not be about blaming or dwelling on the past but understanding and nurturing your inner self. It can involve giving yourself the love and care you deserve to grow into an independent and self-sustainable version of yourself. 

The role of the inner child

Understanding and addressing the inner child can be a starting point in one’s growth and development into adulthood. Your initial experiences growing up can imprint your psychological makeup and be critical determinants of your thinking patterns, defense mechanisms, boundaries, and the lens through which you see the world. 

The concept of the “inner child” refers to an individual's childlike aspects, experiences, and memories, including everything learned and experienced as a child before puberty. This inner child carries learned patterns of behavior, one’s deepest feelings, longings, creative expressions, and experiences with trauma and joy. However, in your journey toward adulthood, you may neglect this inner child, focusing more on fitting into societal norms and expectations, potentially suppressing the truth of your inner experiences.

Neglect of one’s inner child, particularly for those who have experienced childhood trauma, may have profound implications on mental and emotional health. Unaddressed emotional needs and unresolved traumas from childhood can manifest as anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and a general disconnect with one’s authentic self in adulthood. Therefore, some people may find it helpful to “reparent” themselves to revisit, understand, and nurture the wounded inner child, giving them the love, care, and attention to heal and integrate fully into their adult personality. This process may not only involve self-discovery but also self-creation and transformation.

Self-individualization and Carl Jung 

One of the pioneers of this type of thinking was Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. Jung’s concept of self-individuation underscores the value of becoming a whole, unique individual, which he believed could be achieved through integrating the conscious and unconscious aspects of our psyche, including the “inner child” and other archetypes. 

Self-individuation involves acknowledging and nurturing the inner child to meet its emotional needs. This process promotes self-validation, self-love, and self-acceptance, leading to an increased sense of self-worth and emotional well-being. In the context of reparenting oneself, self-individuation aligns seamlessly as it encourages individuals to become their own nurturing parent to their inner child, thus fostering healthier mental and emotional states.

Tips for reparenting yourself 

While it may not be easy, reparenting yourself can be critical to the journey into adulthood. According to psychological research, one of the pillars of a healthy sense of self is the confidence to take care of oneself and develop a more profound sense of independence and freedom. 

According to a study from the Journal of Developmental Psychology, healthy parent or caregiver relationships:

• Are open, empathetic, and gentle
• Include appropriate boundaries
• Involve open discussions on rules for behavior from both sides

In the study, researchers also state how healthy dynamics are associated with higher self-confidence, better academic performance, and a reduced risk of depression or substance use in children and teenagers. 

Caregiver relationships impact social, cognitive, emotional, and mental health. An unmet childhood need for unconditional love and safety may result in various adaptation mechanisms that lead to a risk of mental health symptoms. Children’s personalities and behaviors are often shaped in the early years of their lives by the caregivers who surround them at that time. Children who experience trauma may have triggers, trauma responses, and self-protection practices that persist into adulthood. Meeting with your inner child can be a way to work through these wounds. 

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources.

Caring for your inner child

The concept of the “inner child” can be a powerful component in one’s mental health journey. It represents the childlike aspect within each individual, embodying one’s capacity for innocence, wonder, joy, vulnerability, and creativity. This inner child can also carry accumulated childhood hurts, traumas, fears, neglect, or thoughts of being unloved. For a holistic approach to mental health, recognizing, validating, and nurturing this inner child can be crucial.

Validate your inner child 

Validating your inner child can entail acknowledging its existence and understanding its significant influence on your adult life. Your emotional reactions, habits, dreams, and fears can all be traced back to your inner child. Developing a nurturing relationship with this facet of yourself may heal past wounds, leading to healthier emotional regulation and a stronger sense of self-compassion.

Nurture your inner child 

Nurturing the inner child can involve practicing self-care and self-discipline, setting boundaries, and offering yourself the love, acceptance, and self-compassion your inner child may have craved. For example, you might start a dialogue with your inner child by journaling or writing to them.  

Consider writing in a journal and speaking directly to your inner child in whatever manner is natural for your situation. Additionally, engaging in hobbies or activities that brought you joy as a child may help your inner child surface, enabling you to reconnect with childhood's natural joys and lightness. 

Create and maintain healthy boundaries

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries can be critical to self-reparenting and emotional regulation. Boundaries clearly delineate what is acceptable and what isn’t, cultivating an environment where personal values, rights, and emotional needs are respected. They aid in recognizing self-worth, setting realistic expectations, and promoting positive self-esteem. Through these well-defined limits, one may achieve a balance in interpersonal relationships while preserving one's psychological well-being.

Boundaries are essential for managing emotions and behaviors as you mature into adulthood. They represent a commitment to self-care and self-respect, reinforcing the importance of prioritizing one's needs and well-being compared to the outside world's expectations. 

By setting these guidelines, individuals can empower themselves to be responsible for their lives and their experiences. Boundaries may help individuals avoid situations that may cause emotional distress or compromise their mental health. In addition, boundaries can facilitate self-soothing strategies, providing a safe space for individuals to relieve stress, reflect, and recuperate. 

Address emotional trauma 

Addressing emotional trauma from childhood can be a pivotal step in the self-reparenting process. Unresolved trauma, particularly resulting from experiences with your own parents, may manifest in various ways in adulthood and negatively impact one’s ability to form healthy relationships, maintain emotional stability, and meet their own emotional needs. Recognizing these past wounds, acknowledging their impact, and working actively to heal from them can be crucial for emotional freedom and wellness.

In one study, researchers conducted an extensive review of the science behind the effects of childhood trauma and its impact on mental health into adulthood. In their study, their team found a significant association between childhood trauma and neglect and the prevalence of depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions later in life. 

Specifically, they noted that exposure to the following conditions had a substantial impact on the development of adult mental disorders:

• Bullying
• Emotional abuse
• Physical neglect
• Parental loss
• General trauma exposure

This study demonstrates that trauma can take many forms in childhood. It also highlights the importance of seeking healing and professional assistance in working toward healing the wounds that may have been inflicted in childhood. Each person’s mental health impacts based on childhood experiences can vary, which may require personalized mental health treatment plans and motivated self-inquiry to effectively address. 

Understanding and catering to your unique emotional needs can be pivotal in the process of cultivating self-belief. Often, in a family setting, individual needs may be overshadowed by the family's collective identity. However, each person's emotional requirements are unique and, when unmet, may lead to dissatisfaction and emotional distress. Identifying and validating your own needs separate from the family construct may be valuable to cultivate a sense of emotional wellness and authentic life satisfaction.

If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788. You can also use the online chat. 

Talk to a professional 

Therapy can play a significant role in healing and your self-discovery process. A professional therapist can provide a safe, empathetic environment to unpack past traumas, delve into personal emotional requirements, and develop effective self-soothing strategies. Therapists can guide individuals through the process of self-reparenting, enabling them to build a nurturing internal environment and foster a healthier relationship with themselves.

For individuals who may experience anxiety, depression, or apprehension in confronting emotions relating to their childhood, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp may offer a more approachable manner for participating in therapy. Online therapy enables individuals to interact with a licensed therapist from their homes, providing an opportunity to engage in the healing process safely and comfortably. 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be a highly effective, evidence-based form of treatment for various mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). With the advent of technology, online CBT has emerged as a viable alternative to traditional face-to-face therapy sessions. 

Research has demonstrated that online CBT is as effective as its in-person counterpart. In one study, researchers looked into the efficacy of online CBT compared to in-person sessions. They found that it was able to provide significant relief for conditions such as depression and anxiety related to childhood traumas.

Takeaway

Self-parenting can be a challenging process but a worthwhile endeavor that can lead to significant improvements in mental health. This healing process may require introspection, patience, and dedication, but the rewards, which include increased self-esteem, emotional maturity, and resilience, may be invaluable. 

If you’re struggling, seeking support on your journey may be advantageous. Professional therapists can guide you through this process and provide compassionate guidance on your unique healing journey. You are capable and deserving of love, understanding, and compassion, especially from yourself.