How to live with someone with narcissistic tendencies

If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788. You can also use the online chat. 

Living with or dating someone with narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may be challenging. Experiencing maltreatment or abuse by anyone can be painful, but there are often similarities in the types of maltreatment that can occur from someone with these tendencies. For many people, living with a person with these traits comes down to two choices: leaving the relationship or learning to live healthily with the individual. 

When considering narcissistic behavior, it can be valuable to distinguish between narcissistic tendencies and narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is an official mental illness listed in the DSM-5 as a personality disorder. However, people without an NPD diagnosis can also exhibit symptoms of the condition or narcissistic behaviors. Whether you’re living with someone with traits of the condition, or someone diagnosed with NPD, using the correct terminology for these symptoms can be beneficial. 

People with narcissistic personality disorder often have a difficult time controlling their self-esteem. They may seek praise and attention and devalue others to maintain their identity of superiority. Many people with NPD have co-morbid conditions like depression, anxiety, or another personality disorder. To understand this individual better, it can be beneficial to understand NPD and the strategies to cope with behaviors often associated with this condition or narcissistic traits.

What are narcissistic tendencies? 

If you think your partner may have narcissistic tendencies, knowing whether you’re correct can be challenging. Some traits are specific to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and others might be associated with general narcissism. Identifying these traits in your partner or another person with whom you live can help you further understand your experiences.  

It is estimated that the lifetime prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder varies, but it may exceed 6% of the US population. Many people may not be officially diagnosed with the disorder but continue to live with the symptoms. Whether your partner has been officially diagnosed or not, consider the following narcissistic tendencies: 

• An exaggerated sense of self-importance
• A constant desire for admiration 
• Feelings of entitlement and superiority
• Looking down on others whom they believe are inferior
• Exploiting others to achieve their goals
• Envy of others and what they have
• Arrogance and standoffish behavior
• A lack of empathy
• Taking offense quickly 
• Struggling with low self-esteem and insecurity
• Difficulty handling Emotions 
• Struggling to adjust to change
• Perfectionism 

What is it like to be in a relationship with someone with NPD?

If you are in a relationship with someone with NPD or narcissistic tendencies, you might experience differences in your relationship as compared with those who are healthier. Because of the symptoms that someone with NPD can exhibit, they might struggle to behave appropriately or healthily in their relationships. 

In some cases, people with NPD may act abusively toward their partners. However, the way that this abuse occurs might cause survivors to be unsure whether they’re experiencing it, as it can quickly switch from intense love to profound pain. Narcissistic abuse often takes the form of verbal or psychological abuse like gaslighting. 

In an abusive relationship, your partner may belittle you, call you names, place blame on you, and cause you to withdraw from your friends and family to isolate you. You might not notice these tactics occurring until you’ve spent time in your relationship. When you first met, you may have believed you found a “perfect match.” As your relationship progresses, you might question some of their behavior, but they may turn it on you and project their actions onto you, causing you to question your reality. 

After realizing the reality of these experiences, you could feel stuck or lost on how to proceed. You may also love your partner and hope they can change. These feelings are valid, and you’re not alone. 

How to live with someone with NPD

If you’ve decided to stay in your relationship for yourself or work on your relationship, you may have a few options. However, if you’re experiencing abuse, seek support and resources from a hotline or a licensed mental health professional before moving forward. Below are a few ways to live with narcissistic behaviors from a partner or another individual. 

Refuse to take the blame for someone else's behavior

Research has shown that in a romantic relationship, narcissism from a partner is often displayed in controlling and game-playing behaviors. The individual may struggle to accept responsibility for their wrongdoings. Because they may have fragile egos, they might blame you for their actions to externalize them in a way that doesn’t increase their insecurity. 

Because of your relationship with them, you may find that this individual tries to manipulate you into believing that your challenges stem from your behaviors and actions. Over time, you might fall into the habit of accepting responsibility for the blame and apologizing when you didn’t make a mistake. 

A healthy step you can take in your relationship is to stop apologizing and accepting blame for what you know is not your responsibility. It may take time for you to break the pattern. One way to start is by setting healthy boundaries. When the individual in your life tries to place blame on you, you might say, “I remember that story differently. I’m not comfortable with you placing blame on me, so I am going to leave.” If you are met with anger, rage, or violence, seek support. 

Let go of expectations 

In a relationship, you may expect your partner to apologize or make up for their actions. However, many people with narcissistic traits struggle to apologize or see their faults. Studies have also backed up this claim, showing how people with NPD may take extreme actions to hide their insecurity from other people. Their tendency for perfectionism may translate in relationships as difficulty outwardly apologizing or repairing relationships. 

Some people with NPD or narcissistic traits might use a tactic called “love bombing,” which can involve lavish apologies or attempts to soothe you after a violent, scary, or unkind moment. These strategies may be short-lived, only lasting a day or two. For example, after an argument where they called you names, they might bring you flowers, tell you they love you, or give you more attention. When you expect these behaviors to continue, the individual might stop and return to acting unkindly. 

While love bombing may not be the apology you want, you might learn to spot these behaviors better and understand that they might not be genuine. If you’re committed to staying in the relationship despite these challenges, you can tell your partner that you understand they struggle with apologies but aren’t comfortable with grand gestures after difficult moments if they’re not going to last. 

Try to let go of your expectations that your partner may suddenly change. Instead, you might try pointing out these difficulties to them and asking them whether they’d be comfortable reaching out for support from a licensed therapist. Although people with personality disorders can struggle to reach out for help, studies show that treatment can be successful in helping individuals manage their behaviors, including through online methods.

Learn their common behaviors

Knowing what behavior to expect from your partner can help you prepare for difficult words or actions. It can be challenging to predict how someone with NPD might act, so consider reading about the symptoms of the condition and mutual experiences that other partners of people with NPD have reported online or in support groups. You may be able to recognize specific actions that remind them of their insecurities and cause them to lash out.

You might feel better prepared to avoid these common behaviors when you spot them. When you notice their behavior changing, safely removing yourself from the situation can be beneficial. Stepping away may also help you mentally prepare for how to talk to your partner afterward. 

Set boundaries

While an individual with narcissistic tendencies may want to completely control the relationship, you can learn to set boundaries to let them know what you will and won’t accept. Think of boundaries like the fence around a yard that clearly demarcates space, how close a person can get to you, and when they need to step back. 

Establish boundaries in your relationship that transparently show your partner which behaviors are inappropriate and intolerable. Once you establish these boundaries, make it clear you will not allow any violation of them. Stay firm in your decisions, and try not to let the individual sway you with lavish attention, false promises, or manipulation. 

You might say, “I’m leaving the room because you are yelling, and I don’t deserve this treatment.” After you leave the room, wait until they compose themselves or reduce their behaviors to re-address the conversation. If they yell again, continue to set your boundary, leaving the room until they can talk to you kindly. 

Look for genuine ways to compliment them

Because people with narcissistic tendencies often struggle with low self-esteem, a genuine compliment may help them build their confidence. Consider their love language, avoid flattery or lies, and compliment them on character traits or actions you genuinely see in them. 

Learn to deflect their unkind words 

Because one of the common traits of narcissism is to belittle others, you might experience this behavior in your relationship. These people may look for your insecurities and use them against you. When this occurs, let them know that their words are unkind and that you are unable to tolerate them. Then, take a moment for yourself and deflect by reminding yourself of your worth and the self-compassion you’re working to have.  

Attend counseling 

For many people, therapy is valuable when learning to live with someone with narcissistic tendencies or NPD. Therapy can also address patterns of abuse or unkindness. If you have recognized that you are being abused, many resources are available, including therapists or the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You might also try discreet resources like online therapy. 

Online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples is a safe and effective option for many, especially if you prefer to talk about your relationship with a professional from home. Current research has revealed that people prefer online therapy because they feel that they can trust their therapist more and feel safer due to the distance between them and their therapist. 

When you partake in online therapy, you can also be matched with someone with experience in abuse, personality disorders, and relationship challenges, often within 48 hours of signing up. You can also choose between phone, video, or chat sessions, allowing you the option to receive care without speaking out loud. This option might be safer for those living with someone listening in on their conversations.