What Is Self-Sabotaging, And What Are Its Impacts?

Self-sabotaging, also known as engaging in self-defeating behaviors, is the act of undermining oneself, knowingly or unknowingly, through negative actions. 

Most people have engaged in self-sabotaging behavior at some point in life. However, when self-defeating habits and behaviors become ingrained, this can negatively impact our mental health, self-esteem, and self-confidence.

This article explores self-sabotage and its potential influence on our lives. 

Examples of self-sabotaging

To better understand what it means to self-sabotage, it may be helpful to read a few examples of situations involving self-sabotaging.

Procrastination can be a common example of self-sabotaging. While procrastinating occasionally can be understandable, making it a habit to put things off until the last minute can be harmful.

For example, if you have a job interview tomorrow, you may think that you’ll do better during the interview if you research the company and maybe practice some interview questions with a friend. But in the back of your mind, you might feel that you’re not good enough for the job or won’t do well in the interview, so you put less effort into preparing. Then, once it’s time for the interview, your lack of preparation leads to you not getting the job. 

It may sting to not get the job you wanted. However, repeated self-sabotaging behavior can be more painful if similar situations happen frequently.

Self-sabotaging or self-destructive behavior can happen in all areas of life, such as school, work, social life, and relationships. 

Another common way some people self-sabotage can be with love and dating. Some individuals may find themselves desiring a romantic relationship while also believing that they’re unlovable. They may self-sabotage by avoiding dating altogether, affirming the inner belief that no one could love them or want to be with them, or they may act destructively in a relationship by cheating or being emotionally unavailable to their partner. 

People who self-sabotage don’t want to be unhappy. Some people may not realize their destructive behavior and that they’re standing in their own way. 

Often, self-sabotaging habits are deeply ingrained, related to low self-esteem, or a type of defense mechanism. Below, we’ll explore more about why we self-sabotage. 

Examples of self-sabotaging behaviors

At their core, self-sabotaging behaviors lead to negative impacts or consequences for individuals who engage in them. Common examples of self-sabotage include:

• Procrastination (preventing yourself from succeeding or being prepared)
• Defensiveness (pushing people away or being unable to take constructive criticism)
• Perfectionism (creating unreachable standards for yourself)
• Self-medicating (developing a reliance on substances like drugs or alcohol instead of addressing their behavior)
• Refusing to ask for help
• Picking fights or creating conflict in relationships
• Engaging in negative self-talk
• Avoiding others or isolating oneself
• Neglecting your needs
• Overspending

Why we self-sabotage

There are many reasons people engage in destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors. Some people may have learned self-sabotaging behaviors as children. Someone who grew up in an abusive environment where they constantly had to be on the defense may have grown into a defensive and conflict-prone adult who struggles to have peaceful relationships despite seeing the damage their behaviors can cause. 

Other people may engage in self-destructive behaviors, like substance use, to distract themselves from past trauma or painful feelings. Additionally, some individuals may find that their low self-esteem and self-defeating thoughts and behaviors have become ingrained in their attitudes, actions, or perceptions. 

People who self-sabotage may have adopted a more pessimistic worldview or bias. Past experiences and ingrained self-destructive habits may make them see the world more fearfully or negatively. They may have come to believe that they’ll never be able to get that promotion, that they’ll never find love, or that life may be too difficult in general. 

This perspective often blocks individuals from growing, evolving, and experiencing positive changes.

If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Free support is available 24/7.

Self-sabotaging and mental health

When we self-sabotage, we may often feel bad about ourselves. Say you procrastinated studying for a test and didn’t do as well as your classmates. 

Upon seeing a bad score, you may think, “I’m so stupid,” or “I’ll never be good at this subject.” 

While these things aren’t true, the more you tell yourself these things, the more you may start to believe them. In this way, self-sabotaging can create an endless cycle of self-loathing and negative feelings about yourself. 

When we self-sabotage, we can feel like we can’t reach any of the goals we’ve set for ourselves. 

Feeling like we can’t achieve any of our goals can be immensely demoralizing and can have a significantly negative impact on our mental health.

When we self-sabotage, it may feel like we’re saving ourselves from the pain of potential failure. Instead, it can put us in a cycle of negative emotions about ourselves, which can lead to negative consequences that appear to affirm those beliefs.

If you believe you or a loved one is experiencing or at risk for substance use disorder, reach out for help immediately. The SAMHSA National Helpline can be reached at 1-800-662-4357 and is available 24/7.

How to stop self-sabotaging

Ending self-sabotaging behavior can be achieved. It may be helpful to first think about which ways you self-sabotage, whether it’s procrastination, substance use, or whatever may get in your way of feeling happy, to better understand how to stop the behavior. 

If you tend to procrastinate or feel like you never reach your goals, one thing that can help you build your self-confidence may be keeping one small promise to yourself each day. 

This promise shouldn’t be something out of reach or unpleasant. It can be as simple as drinking a glass of water as soon as you wake up each day. 

Once you keep this promise to yourself and create this healthy habit, you might begin to build trust in yourself that you can reach your goals. Eventually, you can make bigger and bigger goals to achieve each day.

You may also benefit from journaling about your self-sabotaging behavior and gaining more insight into your motivations around the behavior. You can write out your goals and what behaviors and thoughts you may have that get in the way of your goal. 

Once you’ve gained a better understanding of what’s going on, you can write out a plan of action to end your self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.

If your self-sabotage comes in the form of substance use, interpersonal conflicts, or another type of self-defeating behavior, it may be beneficial to work with a mental health professional or, in the case of substance use, seek treatment. 

When self-defeating behaviors are deeply ingrained or life-threatening, getting professional help may be a more effective way to find the root of the cause and begin to change thoughts and behaviors. 

How therapy can help

Self-sabotaging behaviors are often rooted in past experiences. It may be helpful to delve into the past to discover when self-sabotage began and what role it served for us. From there, we can learn to be compassionate towards ourselves as we learn to stop self-destructive behaviors.

Working with a therapist to address habits of self-defeating behaviors can be an effective way to end self-sabotage. 

A mental health professional may use therapeutic interventions like cognitive behavioral therapy to help you reframe negative feelings (e.g., self-doubt or low self-esteem) and self-defeating behaviors so that you’re able to move forward with a more positive outlook.

Additionally, you can find therapy that works well with your lifestyle. Many people find online therapy a convenient option since they can receive care from the comfort of their home, avoiding long commutes or waiting room times. Studies show that online therapy can be as effective as traditional in-person therapy.