Four Tips To Stop Thinking About Your Ex After A Recent Break-Up
Do you feel stuck in a pattern of thinking about your ex? If so, you’re not alone. Many people experience this after a breakup, regardless of who ended the relationship.
Breakups are seldom comfortable or easy to move past. In many cases, it takes some time to heal. If thoughts and past memories of your ex are keeping you from moving on and feeling better, there are a few things you can try to help break that cycle. Below, we’ll discuss breakups and look at four tips to stop thinking about your ex after a breakup.
Why can't I stop thinking about my ex?
Forming a deep emotional bond with someone during a romantic relationship and having that bond severed by a breakup can lead to a range of emotional responses. It’s common to have a mix of feelings toward your ex and to sometimes find your ex on your mind.
A study from 2022 in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry found that people who had experienced a breakup—whether it was mutual or not and whether or not they initiated it—consistently felt a strong sense of attachment anxiety about their previous partner and often experienced rumination, yearning, and distress about the breakup even many months after it happened. This, the researchers concluded, is relatively common and expected because of the big part attachment plays in our psychology. Human beings are social creatures, so the loss of a social connection can affect us deeply, often causing us to feel sad and yearn for our past romantic partner.
While thinking about your ex frequently is common, it may feel as though your thoughts are stuck on this person, much in the same way you may obsess over issues in current relationships. Obsessing over these issues may make it difficult to heal and move on in your own life. If this is the case, then finding ways to stop thinking about your ex might help you feel better over time.
4 tips to stop thinking about your ex after a recent break-up
If you find yourself unable to stop thinking about your ex-partner, you may benefit from trying these four tips.
Break contact cleanly and completely
In the few weeks following a breakup, when you might be inclined to reminisce about only the good times of the past relationship, breaking contact can be beneficial. This may mean blocking your ex’s phone number and social media profiles, distancing yourself from them physically, or asking mutual friends to avoid discussing them for the time being.
Doing this may help you avoid constant reminders of the relationship, which can trigger rumination or regretful thoughts that can be counterproductive to the healing process. If you aren’t prompted to think about this person, you may start to think of them less often naturally. You may also find that, after some time, you’re able to rekindle platonic contact with that person in a healthy way, or you may find that permanently removing that person from your present life is the right move. Either way, creating that distance for yourself may help you grow and learn who you are independently, which may help pave the way for your next relationship.
Find ways to divert your attention
Some popular advice for avoiding thinking about your ex is to redirect your attention to another activity.
Some activities you may try include:
- Taking up a new hobby, such as scrapbooking, painting, writing, or photography
- Playing games, either alone or with a friend
- Spending time with your family or pets
- Eating at your favorite restaurant
- Going for walks or exercising
- Joining hobby or interest groups and making new friends
- Doing physical activity, such as lifting weights, running, or swimming
- Seeing a movie or getting a coffee with a best friend
While this strategy might not help you quit thinking about your ex completely and immediately, it may lessen the frequency or intensity of your desire to think about your ex. You may be able to create new, healthy habits through the process, offering your mind something more productive to occupy it.
Discover who you are while single
Research suggests that your self-esteem can take a significant hit in the wake of a breakup and that this effect may be worsened by rumination on your ex-partner. You may question fundamental ideas like who you are and what your interests are outside of the relationship. In an effort to recover from this distress, it can be a good idea to try to rediscover who you are while you are single. As a result, you can make new memories and move forward.
Consider engaging in reflective practices like journaling and mindfulness techniques. This may help you recognize your internal voice and process your thoughts by giving you a visual reference for them. You might also benefit from taking time for physical self-care. This can look different for everyone and may include anything that makes you feel relaxed. For some, this may even feel like a “reset” period.
After this reset period, consider exploring an interest that you have that you may not have been able to focus on during your relationship. You might take a class in a subject you love, go on a trip you’ve been thinking about, or join clubs for hobbies you enjoy. Not only does this help you in moving forward, but it may also allow you to develop your personal interests and focus on your own needs. It may also be an effective way to socialize with new people with similar interests, which may lead to new friendships and other potential relationships.
Seek professional counseling
If you still feel that you’re not able to move forward and can’t stop thinking about your ex, you may benefit from speaking with a licensed therapist or clinical psychologist. A therapist may be able to help you reflect on the past relationship, discover why you’re still thinking about your ex, and help you find ways to heal from the grief of the breakup. They may also help you manage unresolved issues and unwanted thoughts that are causing you to feel distressed, even after the relationship ended.
If you don’t feel comfortable discussing a breakup in a therapist’s office, you might consider trying online therapy, which research has shown to be effective for a variety of mental health challenges. One study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders found that online cognitive behavioral therapy was effective for symptoms of anxiety and depression.
With online therapy, you can discuss your concerns with a therapist by videoconferencing, audio chat, or live chat if you feel more comfortable. You can also chat with them outside of appointments in a designated chatroom. This may prove to be useful if you find yourself feeling nostalgic and thinking about your ex in between sessions. Chatting with a therapist may allow you to express your feelings and help you manage any underlying problems to prepare you for a new relationship.
Takeaway
What does it mean when you can't stop thinking about your ex?
Thinking about an ex after a breakup is normal and occurs because of the deep bond you shared. These thoughts can mean that you miss being that close to someone or that you are lonely. These thoughts don't necessarily mean that you should reach out or try to get back together with them.
Sometimes people get into unhealthy thought patterns called rumination, in which they go over and over details from the past and feel distressed. If you think you are ruminating about your ex, talking to a mental health counselor could help.
How long does it take to stop thinking about your ex?
Since everyone is different, there's no set time that's considered "normal" for thinking about your ex after a breakup. Some people might stop thinking about their ex after a few weeks, while for others it might take months. All of this is common, but if you feel like you are continuing to think about an ex too long after a breakup, therapy could help you find healthy ways to move on.
How do I get rid of my ex in my head?
If you are thinking of your ex often, removing anything that reminds you of them might help. For example, mute or unfollow them on social media, and give away or store items that they'd gifted to you. If you're still in contact with them, tell them that you need to take a break from talking until you have healed and moved on.
If you aren't in contact with your ex and there are no visual reminders of them in your life, try moving on by focusing your attention elsewhere. Take up a new hobby or make new friends. Engage in physical activity, which has the bonus of relieving stress and improving your mood.
A professional mental health counselor can also help if you feel stuck on your ex and cannot move on despite trying.
How long does it take to get over an ex?
Although there are many people online claiming there are formulas to identify how long it takes to get over an ex, the reality is, the timeline is different for every person and every relationship. How quickly you get over your ex will depend on how close you were to them, how long your relationship was, and what else you have going on in your life currently.
How do I know if my ex is thinking about me?
You cannot know if your ex is thinking about you unless they tell you or do something to indicate that they are thinking about you. For example, when a person is thinking about someone, they often reach out to them or try to arrange a way to see them in person.
How do you get over an ex you still love?
Getting over someone you love takes time, so be patient with yourself. There is no single quick fix or hack to help yourself suddenly be over someone, even though you might wish there were. Engaging in self-care and healthy habits might help, as can spending time with friends and taking part in hobbies and activities you enjoy. If you find you cannot get over an ex even though a lot of time has passed, a professional therapist could help.
Why do I miss my ex so much even though I left him?
Even if you were the one who chose to end the relationship, you might still miss your ex. This person played a significant role in your life, and now they are not present. It takes time to adjust to the loss of a person, even if you know logically that the breakup was for the better.
Why do I still think about my ex after 5 years?
You may still think about your past relationship because you are lonely. Or, perhaps something in the present reminded you of them, like running into them or hearing news about their life. Sometimes people think of exes many years after the fact because a more recent breakup has brought old memories to the surface.
If you're thinking about an ex often, years after the relationship has ended, you may be wondering how to stop thinking about an ex. You can move on from them the same way you did the first time — by focusing on your present life and bringing more joy into your day-to-day. If you find that you're having excessive unwanted thoughts about your ex, talking to a licensed therapist or a clinical psychologist may help.
Why am I suddenly missing my ex after 10 months of no contact?
If you felt you had gotten over your ex, but now you're suddenly missing them again, think about what changed. Did you run into them or look at their social media? Sometimes being reminded of someone in that way can bring up old feelings. Did you learn they are in a new relationship? This also can be difficult to process.
Sometimes people begin thinking of past relationships because they are lonely. In this situation, you might be tempted to remember only the good times and question why the relationship ended. Instead of feeling nostalgic, try to move your attention to your current relationships, whether they are with a best friend or romantic partner. Focus on moving forward with the healing process and making new memories.
Will I ever get over my ex?
Yes, eventually, you will get over your ex. If you've just had a breakup, you may feel sad and find yourself focused on past memories. But with time, you will move onto your next relationship and no longer feel lonely.
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