How To Handle A Breakup With Someone You Still Love
Experiencing a breakup and leaving someone you love can be emotionally challenging, and it may be even more difficult if you still love your former partner. From figuring out "how should I break up with her" to the process of moving on, breaking up is a stressful and painful experience. Sometimes there are reasons to leave a very healthy relationship, which can make the choice even more challenging. Depending on the reason you decided to end things, you may wish to remain friends or stay in contact with your ex. In some situations, however, it can be a better choice to eliminate all contact. To heal after the breakup, you might consider writing about the relationship and your feelings about the situation. Using the breakup as an opportunity for personal growth, allowing yourself to grieve, and having compassion for yourself and your former partner may be helpful. For more personalized guidance and support in healing from your breakup, it may be beneficial to seek professional help through online therapy.
Breaking up: Things to consider
Breakups can happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes one partner may be cheating or otherwise behaving unacceptably. In some situations, you may constantly argue in an unhealthy manner, often ending with shouting matches. One partner or the other could feel like they are drained because they are always the ones to take the lead, or maybe the partners each have different perspectives on questions like whether to have children. Maybe one partner feels like the spark has left the relationship and doesn’t want to wait to see if it returns. Whatever the reason, you and your partner may need to face the fact that the relationship might not work out—even if you still love each other. Admitting the truth of, "I broke up with my boyfriend even though I still love him" can be difficult, but it's sometimes the best option.
Breaking up with someone you still love is rarely easy or pleasant, even if you know that it’s necessary, but there are things you can do to minimize the hurt you both feel, such as being gently honest about why you think it’s over and focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship during the breakup talk. The choice to spend time speaking face-to-face is usually better than sending a text or an email because an in-person conversation can provide a better sense of closure. In addition, speaking can give you the space to process any complicated emotions you may be feeling without having to worry about what others around you might think of you or your situation.
What if abuse is a factor?
Abusive behavior can complicate the process of ending things, as well as your emotions about the relationship and your recovery after the relationship has ended. If you are in an abusive relationship or have left an abusive partner and find you still have feelings for them, please know that you are not alone and that these kinds of feelings are common. Factors like trauma bonding and codependency can make leaving and recovering from the relationship more difficult, even if you feel afraid of your partner.
It can be important to note that not all abuse is physical, and that it can happen to anyone. Verbal, emotional, and financial abuse can also cause a great deal of harm, even though they may not involve physical assaults. Although our society tends to think of abusive relationships as primarily happening among heterosexual couples with the man as the aggressor, abusers can be of any gender, recipients of abuse can be of any gender, and abuse can happen in queer relationships, too.
No matter what type of abuse is going on in your relationship, it may be a good idea to create a plan to help you leave the relationship safely. Agencies such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline (link and phone number below) can provide you with information and resources to help keep you as safe as possible while you are trying to leave an abusive partner.
In relationships where abuse is a factor, breaking up in person may not be safe. If you think that your partner may become angry or violent when you break up with them, you may wish to break up in a public place or another spot where there are witnesses who will hear their anger and get help if needed. It may be wise to tell a friend or family where you are meeting. Video chat may also be a solution for situations where an in-person meeting might not be the safest option.
Can you stay in touch after a breakup?
If you care deeply about your partner, the idea of never seeing that person again might be incredibly painful, even if you know that breaking up was the right thing to do. It can be even more painful if your partner wanted to end the relationship, but you didn’t. Either way, keeping in mind the reasons why the relationship wasn’t working, even if you still love your now ex-partner, may help you in letting go and moving forward.
You may be in a situation where you can still be friends with your ex, even though you’re no longer romantically or sexually involved with each other. Ex-partners may become future friends in some cases, but it’s normal if you wish to take some time between the breakup and starting a friendship with your ex. Taking time to set boundaries can be very helpful in maintaining a healthy friendship with a former partner.
If you’re still in love with your partner, but don’t want to be friends with them, it can be okay if you’ve decided to not have contact with them. For some people, going no-contact can be the best way to heal after a relationship ends. Going no-contact may include refusing or even blocking phone calls, texts, or emails, and it may include unfriending or unfollowing your former partner on social media. If you and your partner have children together, going no-contact may not be an option until the children are adults, depending on arrangements for custody and visitation.
For people who have left an abusive relationship, going no-contact may be the safest option. Some abusive people may try to get their former partners back because they want to continue to control them. People who still have feelings for an abusive ex can be particularly vulnerable to returning to an unhealthy relationship. Severing all ties with an abusive partner may be the best way to stay strong and prevent them from bringing you back into a relationship that won’t be healthy for you.
Healing after a relationship ends
It can be important to keep in mind that getting over a relationship that has ended often takes time and effort. It’s not unusual to continue to have feelings for an ex after a breakup. You may miss their good qualities and wish things turned out differently. There may be things you can do to help you process your feelings and move on, even if you still love your former partner.
One study showed that spending time writing about how you feel about your former partner and your breakup can help you manage your emotions and process the events of your relationship and its having come to an end. You may not be able to change the situation and what didn’t work out, but over the course of a few months you may learn to soothe your anguished feelings, including lingering feelings of love.
You could also use the end of your relationship as a springboard to personal growth. Learning to forgive and respect yourself for having had an unsuccessful relationship can be healing. Accepting what happened and moving on can help you begin to create a new life for yourself. You may even pursue new hobbies you weren’t able to during your relationship, take a new class, or make big life changes like a move or career change.
Breaking up with someone you still love is rarely a fun experience. Giving yourself permission to grieve the end of the relationship is typically an inevitable part of the healing process. You have lost someone you loved, someone you might still have feelings for, and that can be difficult. Grief can be a complicated emotion, and it can take time to fully process feelings of grief. It’s okay to need time and space to work through those feelings.
Acknowledging that you have the right to express your needs and to make decisions about your relationships and your future can also help you to move past the pain of a breakup, as can acknowledging that your partner has the same right. Having compassion for yourself and your partner and letting go of blame can give you perspective, allowing you to move on and process your feelings for your former partner.
Should I talk to a therapist?
If you’re still experiencing feelings of love for your former partner, it may be time for you to seek help. A licensed, experienced therapist may help guide you into this new phase of your life. Depending on your preferences, you might choose to try online therapy over traditional face-to-face therapy. A potential benefit of online therapy is that you can complete a survey to be matched with a therapist who has experience in the areas where you’re currently experiencing challenges.
You may wonder whether online therapy is for you, or whether it’s as effective as seeing a therapist in person. Whether to see your therapist online or in person can be a personal decision that depends on your specific needs and preferences. Studies have shown that online therapy can be just as effective as meeting with your counselor in person, and online appointments can have additional benefits, such as the ability to attend a session from the comfort of your own home.
Takeaway
The choice to break up with someone frequently results in difficult emotions, but when you still have love for your former partner, the situation can become even more challenging. Whether you decide to remain friends with your former significant other or choose to cut off contact completely may depend on the circumstances of the breakup. However, regardless of how and why the breakup took place, there may be a few strategies you can employ to begin the healing process. You might focus on using the breakup as a springboard for personal growth, give yourself permission to grieve the relationship, and cultivate compassion for yourself and your former partner. Another method that may contribute to healing is journaling about the relationship, breakup, and your emotions. Finally, online therapy can be a way to get help from a licensed professional as you continue your healing journey.
What to do when your ex moves on?
Feeling hurt by an ex who appears to have moved on from your relationship before you can be a normal reaction. Whether they seem to simply be living their best life, or have a new partner, there are some ways you can cope with the pain positively.
- Take some time to reflect on why you broke up, to begin with. This can help you remember the things that may not have been ideal in your relationship, and feel less regret.
- Realize that you don’t know the whole story. On social media, it’s common for people to present their lives in the best possible light. Your ex may not be as happy as they appear.
- Keep up your social life. It can be tempting to drop out of social events or pause your hobbies when mourning the loss of a relationship. However, maintaining your social connections can help to boost your mood and help you move forward more quickly.
- Practice self-care. Healthy behaviors such as regular exercise, time outdoors, and mindfulness practices can help support mental health during times of increased stress.
How do I deal with my ex moving on with someone else?
A few months after a breakup it is common to worry about your ex moving on and even to feel inadequate if they start dating again. Although the phrase has become somewhat of a cliché, the idea remains true: time heals.
Some tips you can use to help you deal in the meantime include:
- Avoid following your ex on social media
- Practice self-care
- Stay active socially
- Maintain old hobbies, and even try new ones
- See a therapist if your emotions begin to interfere with day-to-day life
Will my ex come back after moving on?
While there are cases in which participants in an old relationship rediscover each other romantically after moving on, this is so rare that it isn’t a situation that is healthy to anticipate if you have unresolved feelings.
If your ex has moved on, a healthier option is to focus on your own life and navigate moving forward yourself.
Do exes miss you when you move on?
It can be difficult to say whether an ex misses you or not. Even if they feel heartbroken, they may attempt to hide their feelings for any number of reasons—feelings of pride, preservation, or guilt. In any case, it can be a better idea to focus on your feelings at this time, to help you move forward after the breakup.
Should I unfriend my ex to move on?
Whether it is beneficial to remain friends with an ex can depend on several factors. What is the motivation? Do you feel capable of friendship without romantic attachment? What are the dynamics of your friend group and how does your past relationship fit in? Was the breakup benign and due to a factor like moving for a new job, or were a lot of negative feelings involved?
The motivations for continuing friendship after a relationship can be practical, in the case of having a child, common property, or financial reasons. In this case, barring any type of abuse or boundary issues, friendship may be a good option. A licensed family therapist can help you create a workable plan for this type of relationship change.
In other cases, such as with unresolved romantic attachment on one side, or feelings of guilt, it may be healthier in the long run to cut ties.
How do you know if your ex wants you back?
The short answer to this is that they will let you know. It can be problematic to entertain thoughts of reconciliation if there has been no communication, or if communication is murky and/or boundaries are not respected. For most people the best course of action after a breakup is to focus on becoming a better version of yourself.
How do you know if your ex still loves you?
It’s not always possible to know whether an ex is holding on to unresolved feelings of love. Often in cases of marriage or long-term relationships, there is a level of love that continues to exist after the relationship is over. This can be especially helpful in cases where there is a child.
Why am I scared of my ex moving on?
Everyone moves at their own pace after a breakup. It can be completely normal to feel sad, feel angry, or even feel scared. Often fear can be focused on the idea that your ex-partner has moved forward more quickly than you, especially if you feel rejected. It may seem unfair that they are finding peace or happiness while you are still carrying emotional baggage from the relationship.
If you feel as though negative emotions are interfering with your daily life or social activities, it can be a good idea to talk to a therapist to help you navigate these feelings.
Can exes fall back in love?
Exes falling back in love is possible, but not often probable. In any case, it is healthier to step away from the situation and work on managing your healing after a breakup.
Should I talk to my ex after moving on?
This can depend on your motivation for doing so. Do you find that you can’t stop obsessing over your lost relationship, or are simply trying to remain in your old comfort zone? In these cases, it can be a better idea to simply move on, and avoid talking to your ex.
If you have a child together, family ties, or a long-term friendship that can be maintained without disrespecting boundaries, then continuing contact with an ex can be fine. Just be sure that you are being honest about your motivations. It can be a good idea to meet with a licensed marriage counselor to assist in developing a plan for continued contact with an ex.
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