Moving Forward: How To Know If It’s Time To End A Relationship

Deciding to end a relationship and leaving someone you love is rarely an easy choice. It’s often a complex and emotional process that may take time and introspection to sort out. While there’s no one, easy way to know whether you should remain in your current relationship or leave, you can read on to discover some common signs that breaking up with someone may be best. We’ll also cover some tips for how to break up with someone in a compassionate, considerate way, how to take good care of yourself in the wake of a relationship that has ended, and how to move on from a relationship in a healthy way.

Should I break up with my girlfriend?

First, if you are unsure as to whether it’s time to break up with this person or not, it may be helpful to examine the relationship and how it makes you feel. Before the "I broke up with my girlfriend" or "I broke up with my boyfriend" scenario can happen, you need a clear decision that feels right to you. 

If you’ve noticed some of the following characteristics in your dynamic with your partner lately, even though there have likely been good times too, it could be time to consider speaking to them about the future of your relationship. While only you can decide whether it’s right for you to stay together or not, the elements below could potentially represent signs you should break up or reconsider your dynamic.

Constant conflict and disrespect

Constant fighting may indicate that there’s a deeper issue at play in your relationship. It could be that one or both people are fundamentally unhappy, or that trust or respect has been lost. Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, but ongoing conflict—especially when it’s characterized by disrespect rather than loving communication—may be a sign of an unhealthy dynamic that can’t or perhaps shouldn’t last.

Lack of communication and connection

You can love someone and know them well, but if they can’t accurately and honestly articulate what’s going on in their head at any given moment, it can be difficult to maintain a long-term relationship. Connections of all kinds are typically built on vulnerability and intimacy, which are created primarily through communication. If you and your partner have always struggled with this, or if communication has recently broken down and seems unsalvageable, it may be worthwhile to consider whether there’s potential to go on.

Different goals and values

Relationships can take many different forms, and they don’t have to last a long time to be successful, fulfilling, or valuable. However, regardless of the duration, any relationship should provide the basics of what all parties want out of it. If your expectations and goals for the connection are misaligned or you have fundamentally different approaches to relationships or life and this is causing friction, a reevaluation may be necessary.

Emotional or physical abuse

Abuse of any kind—physical, emotional, or otherwise—in a relationship is a red flag and unacceptable, and it’s important to be able to recognize it. If you’re experiencing abuse from your partner, you have the right to prioritize your safety and well-being by exiting the relationship in a manner that is safe to do so. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse of any kind, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Tips for ending your relationship

If you come to the conclusion, "I want to break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend,” it’s generally ideal to approach the conversation with your partner respectfully. Remember, of course, that your safety is the most important, and that you have a right to exit the situation if your partner makes you feel unsafe. Otherwise, a few simple tips may help you navigate this difficult conversation. So, how to break up with your girlfriend? 

First, consider the timing and location for this conversation. Try to avoid choosing a time when either of you is tired, already emotional, or overwhelmed from other life circumstances, if possible. Having the conversation in a public place typically isn’t recommended, unless you’re concerned for your safety. Next, know what you want out of the conversation and try to stick to it. If you’re set on ending the relationship, it’s generally best to avoid letting your partner convince you to stay. Being considerate of their feelings—even if they differ from your own—is generally ideal, but letting them talk you out of your own needs and desires is not. 

Try to be honest and straightforward without being cruel. You might also prepare yourself for a range of reactions, from confusion to anger to sadness, and you can do your best to respect your partner’s feelings at that moment. Finally, setting boundaries for space and communication going forward can help you both know how to proceed from there.

How to move forward after a breakup

Even if you were the one who decided it was time to break up, that doesn’t mean it won’t be difficult or sad for you too. Someone you dated even for a relatively brief time may have become a part of your life in some way, and it can take time to adjust to a change in that dynamic. It’s usually best to treat yourself gently and with grace as you navigate the aftermath of a relationship that has ended.

How long to get over a breakup? Healing from a relationship that has ended doesn't take a set amount of time. Note, however, that research suggests that prolonged avoidance can actually extend the grieving process, so it may help to allow yourself to experience whatever feelings come up rather than trying to suppress them. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, or hurt, and it’s okay to give yourself time to experience these emotions. 

It’s usually helpful to practice self-care as you navigate your life post-breakup, whether that includes starting a new exercise routine, picking up a hobby, or spending more time with family. Focusing on health and relationships outside of your romantic life for a while, like friendships, can be satisfying. Next, it can be helpful to eventually reflect on the lessons you learned. Every relationship is a learning experience, and the takeaways may be useful to you in future connections. Finally, you may also consider seeking the support of a therapist to work through your breakup.

Seeking therapy to process a breakup

If you’re going through the ending of a relationship, it’s not unusual for it to be difficult. Breakups are usually challenging life experiences, regardless of the particulars of your circumstances. Even if you initiated the end of the relationship, it can be tough to process your feelings about it alone. That’s why some people turn to a mental health professional for help working through it. A therapist can provide a safe space for you to express your emotions, gain insights from the relationship, and develop healthy coping mechanisms for any difficult feelings. 

Part of a growing body of positive research on the topic, a 2014 study suggests that online therapy may be just as effective as face-to-face therapy in dealing with emotional distress, including when related to relationships. It showed that people who participated in virtual therapy experienced a significant decrease in their self-reported symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress. It also found that this format might effectively address emotional challenges related to breakups, such as grief, anger, and sadness. 

In most cases, whether you choose online or in-person therapy comes down to your preference. If you’re interested in virtual therapy due to its relative convenience or affordability, for instance, you might consider a platform like BetterHelp. With this type of service, you can fill out a brief questionnaire about your needs and preferences and get matched with a licensed therapist accordingly. You can then meet with them via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of home to address the challenges you may be facing. Read on for client reviews of BetterHelp counselors.

Counselor reviews

“Meeting with Jacquelyn has been wonderfully helpful throughout the ups and downs of 2020 and she has been very helpful in guiding and encouraging me to better myself during this difficult time, during which I have also been recovering from substance abuse and a recent breakup. I am doing a lot better than I have in a good while and she has definitely been a big part of that! Thanks!” Read more on Jacquelyn Golden Lane.

“Susan is exceptional at what she does, helping people move forward with life in a positive direction. Susan has helped me recover from a divorce, and address personal issues that impact me at work and all my relationships. I have been through many counselors in the past 30 years and I can say Susan is very rare. She is smart, compassionate, caring, kind and encouraging. I don’t know how I would have made it this far in my recovery if it wasn’t for her. 5 Star.” Read more on Susan King.