I Still Love My Ex, Should We Get Back Together?
By: Michael Arangua
Updated February 14, 2020
Medically Reviewed By: April Brewer , DBH, LPC
It is completely natural to still have feelings for an ex. You were in a relationship with them after all and interacting with them likely was a daily routine. Now it feels like you have to adjust to the breakup. But, if it is true that you love your ex, is that enough reason to get back together?
What Should I Do if I Still Love My Ex?
Often times, when experiencing the breakup of a relationship, you replay the good memories and feelings that you shared with your ex. This often challenges you to second guess the breakup and think about whether it was a good or bad decision to severe the relationship.
Try to remember why you broke up with your ex in the first place. If your feelings towards them are so intense, why did you end the relationship?
Take into consideration your decision to break up with them. If you both want different things and the relationship was just not compatible, you may have made the right decision in breaking it off and the best remedy is to press on.
On the other hand, if you still feel like you can make the relationship work and the relationship is worth saving, you can try to reach out to your ex and talk things out. You both should discuss if the differences and/or disagreements could be further discussed to where compromises could be negotiated to work it out and get back together. This will help provide insight into whether or not your relationship can be reconciled.
What are Your Relationship Ingredients?
People get into and stay in relationships for various reasons. I think it would help if you identified what your "relationship ingredients" are, and then determine if you are willing to reconcile and further compromise with your ex if you determine certain ingredients are missing?
Your relationship ingredients may not include the ingredients listed below and you may include a different variation of ingredients that would make your relationship as a couple "work."
Example relationship ingredients:
-Freedom to have social friends/relationships outside of your union.
Are You Still in Love with Your Ex or are You Lonely?
After a relationship breakup, it is natural to feel an emotional void in your life. Your normal daily routine may even feel as if it has turned upside down at times. This void becomes very noticeable when you want to share that you got a promotion at work today, you just caught a flat tire, there is a new movie that you want to watch, or even that you are hungry. Then, reality sets in when you suddenly remember that your "go to" person for sharing new developments in your life was your ex. Experience this feeling is inevitable because up until the breakup, your ex was integrated into and had become a centerpiece in your life.
Is it loneliness? You can feel loneliness even in the presence of others because being lonely is a state of mind. Often times couples who experience a recent breakup will attempt to prematurely get back together because they mistake the feelings of love with their feelings of loneliness. If you think you have mistaken your feelings of loneliness for feelings of love for your ex, here are a few pointers to assist you with working through these feelings:
- It is okay to miss your ex. Sometimes the idea of missing someone can be easily confused with the idea of wanting to be with them again, especially when replaying the good feelings and memories that you shared together. However, it is important to remember why you broke up because there is a very good chance that you were meant to break up and stay apart.
- Feeling lonely is natural. Initially, it is normal to feel lonely after a breakup because your life is experiencing a change. It is better to acknowledge the feeling of loneliness rather than fight it by perceiving it is a negative emotion or masking it by getting prematurely involved in new relationship or returning to your ex.
- Process and accept your emotions. It sometimes is frowned upon to express your emotions and others will encourage you to "stay strong." Is this healthy? You are human, it is normal for you to feel various emotions. Somehow, it seems to have become the normal expectation that we should "be happy" or "be strong" all the time. This perspective is unrealistic, it is normal to feel different emotions and understand why you feel the way you feel to foster acceptance and aid in the healing process of the breakup.
- Love yourself first. After coming out of being in a long term relationship, the idea of being alone may sound a bit scary. However, being okay with being alone, is an important element of one's happiness. Learning to be alone allows you to develop independent happiness, that isn't dependent upon being in a relationship with another person.
- Explore new interest & engage in hobbies. Identify past hobbies and leisure activities that you used to enjoy prior to being in a relationship. Engage in new interest, this will help create healthy distractions from focusing on negative thoughts and may offer the opportunity to meet new people.
- Try to journal. Using a journal offers the opportunity to express your thoughts, feelings, and plans in writing, and often people share that they feel a sense of relief and fulfillment after completing this activity. Also, expressing your thoughts and feelings about your ex in a journal could allow you the opportunity to review your journal entries at a later date and provide you with deeper insight to help you gain the clarity that you need to move forward in your life.
Gina Escandon says in her article, "What to Do if You are Still in Love with Your Ex", that there are many ways to recover from a breakup. One such way is to talk it out, whether it be with friends, a close family member, or a therapist at Better Help, an online therapy platform.
Hearing what your peers think will better transform or understand your own feelings. Perhaps they think it was a good idea that you broke up and explain why they felt that way. Maybe they will be able to see more clearly about how you truly feel. They could help you determine if you are really in love. They can also give you the support that you need to move on.
Another way to get over an ex is to give it time. Two weeks is hardly enough time to get over someone, especially if you loved them. If months go by and you are still unable to move on or think of anyone other than your ex, then that may be a sign that you should get back together with them. However, it may be best to try to date or meet other people before you consider it.
If you want to explore if you do in fact love your ex or notice that you have become isolated and feeling miserable more often than not, you can overcome your loneliness by taking positive steps to explore and change your thinking patterns by getting assistance from a therapist at Better Help.
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