Will Anyone Ever Love Me As I Am?

Medically reviewed by Kayce Bragg, LPCS, LAC, LCPC, LPC, NCC
Updated March 23, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that could be triggering to the reader. Please see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

Have you ever asked yourself, "Will anyone ever love me as I am?" Will I ever find love that is real?" If so, you may be experiencing a lack of self-love, attachment concerns, or a traumatic past in close relationships.

Feeling loved by someone else can be an amazing experience. However, feeling lovable can be extremely difficult if you do not love yourself or believe you are worthy of love. Loving yourself means acknowledging your good qualities, feeling confident in your choices, setting boundaries when needed, and feeling a strong sense of identity. Studies suggest that self-love can even increase your chance of having a healthy, loving relationship when you are ready. 

Take steps toward self-love

Learning self-love

Not all relationships last forever. However, when it comes to you as an individual, you will always have yourself to rely on. Think of yourself as a forever friend, and consider how you treat yourself. It may feel easy to think poorly about yourself if previous partners have pointed out your flaws or made you feel unwanted. However, learning self-love techniques may help you learn to ignore opinions that do not resonate with your understanding of who you are. The exit of past unkind partners and friends opens the door for you to surround yourself with people who treat you kindly, whether those are friends or romantic partners.

Learning to love yourself before taking on the challenge of loving others can give you the skills you need when you meet someone. When you love yourself, you may feel more positive in the face of adversity. You may feel happier, more confident, and more in control of your decisions. These feelings can prepare you for life with a partner and can help you communicate your needs and boundaries with more certainty. With self-love, you can understand who you are and respect it. Those who do not accept you may not be the best choice for a partner.

Loving yourself may seem like a simple concept, but often, the simplicity is convoluted by the opinions of others, messages in the media, and societal pressures. Some may believe that self-love requires shallow and self-righteous behavior or that it cuts you off from connection. However, self-love increases connection.


Many people learn from a young age that they should not love themselves until they fit a mold that makes them "lovable" to someone else. Others may tell them they should be thinner, more intelligent, more social, or more ambitious. Sometimes, these pressures come from parents. Other times, they come from friends, partners, or even advertisements on social media. Most of these "requirements" do not have a limit to them and may never be realistically fulfilled. Yet, many people still feel that they will only be lovable when they reach the standards others set instead of making their standards.

Remember, self-love doesn’t require you to be any one way. You can learn to love yourself with the body, hobbies, opinions, values, and assets that you have. If you desire to change something about yourself because it feels right to you, that’s also something you can consider.

Waiting for the right time to date again

If you feel you need a relationship to love yourself, you may benefit from slowing down and considering your options. It could be potentially harmful to jump into a relationship with any person who shows interest in you. Finding a healthy partner can take time, and many people spend months getting to know a potential suitor before committing to a long-term relationship.

Taking care of your mental and physical health in the meantime can help you focus on finding feelings of self-love before you meet your ideal partner. It may also save you the hurt of meeting someone who isn't right for you, but the nagging question is just always at the back of your head: "Will I ever find love again?"

Feeling unloved in a relationship

If you're currently in a relationship that makes you feel unloved, your needs may not be met with your current partner. You may feel a need for more attention, understanding, or connection. It is normal for humans to crave deep attachment with those we love. However, you may feel you are never satisfied if you cannot soothe certain attachment concerns on your own.

You may be able to provide yourself with attention, understanding, and connection if you understand your attachment style, boundaries, and needs in a relationship. A partner may not be able to solve your needs 100% of the time. However, caring for yourself when others are unavailable can help you feel stronger in your self-love.

Hiding who you are 

Be honest about who you are and who you wish to be. Hiding who you are to connect with someone else may be harmful to your mental health over time. There are billions of people worldwide, and there may be several potential matches available to you who would love who you are in its entirety. Pressure from a partner to change your core values, interests, appearance, or deep beliefs may indicate you’re not a healthy person.

You may enjoy life more with a partner who supports you and shows interest in your hobbies and quirks. For example, if you like gaming, you might connect with someone who asks you about your favorite games, supports your free time, tests new games with you, and doesn't belittle you for what you enjoy. You don't have to date someone who has the same interests or values as you. Finding someone who loves the way you are without trying to change it can be possible whether you have the same traits or not.

Getty/Xavier Lorenzo
Take steps toward self-love

Questions to ask yourself

Ask yourself the following questions. Consider journaling about your responses. A friend, family, or therapist may be a safe place to express your answers and discuss them further.

  • Why do I feel unlovable?
  • Why do I feel like no one loves me?
  • What do I desire from a relationship?
  • Do I feel ready to date?
  • Do I want to leave my current relationship?
  • Am I satisfied with my appearance?
  • Are there any hobbies I'd like to partake in more?
  • What are three things I'd like to love about myself?
  • What are some qualities that my friends and family would say I have?
  • Has someone made me feel unlovable in the past?
  • What boundaries do I wish I could set in relationships?
  • What is my favorite thing about myself?
  • What would my ideal partner look or act like?
  • What are three ways I can show myself respect and love?
  • How does a relationship fit in with my other life goals?

Finding healthy love

If you have lived most of your life feeling unlovable or have been told that loving yourself is not healthy, you may struggle with learning how to respect your needs and wants in a relationship. It may lead to feelings of fear and sadness when in a relationship. You might also feel that you need to be in a romantic relationship to feel "complete" or "safe."

Trying to love yourself and look for love with another when you are experiencing mental health issues can make the whole process feel even more daunting. If you have a mental health diagnosis or are experiencing anxiety, depression, or attachment issues, it could be challenging for you to meet new people or trust others. Here are some things to remember:

  • Your mental health symptoms do not define you.
  • You are not alone. Others are coping with similar issues.
  • If you have experienced relational trauma, feeling safe in relationships again is possible.
  • Love is not about both partners being perfect but about working together to grow.
  • It is never too late to learn how to love yourself.
  • You are worthy of self-love.
  • You do not have to learn how to love yourself on your own. Help is available.
  • You are not a failure. You are constantly learning and expanding as a human.

Finding your unique qualities

Some of the things you may view as negative aspects of yourself could be incredible relationship assets. For example, many people feel that there is something wrong with them if they have high levels of empathy or deep emotional responses. However, having a big heart and being sensitive may strengthen relationships, as it often allows people to be more compassionate, empathetic, and loving with partners.

Doing the work to find your unique qualities and understand their positive aspects can also help you stay motivated and determined. Many people are attracted to these qualities. Flip the script on the things you don't like about yourself to see if they have a positive side. Almost everyone has qualities that make them unique.

Taking time to look inward for a healthy relationship rather than outward may provide you with the foundation for a much better relationship in the future.

Embracing and loving yourself is a choice that you can make every day. If you struggle one day, it doesn't mean you can't start again the next. In the beginning, it may feel awkward. However, as the days pass, you may find it becoming commonplace in your life. Next thing you know, you may feel more confident, empathetic, and gentle toward yourself. Self-love may not be a constant state to strive for but a continuous commitment toward the behaviors and emotions you want to foster in your life.

Online therapy can help you open up to love

If you struggle to love yourself or connect with others in healthy ways, consider online therapy. Sessions with a licensed mental health professional can help you learn new self-love techniques and offer you a safe place to communicate your feelings. Online therapy can be done from the safety of your home, where you may feel safer discussing sensitive information about your relationship concerns.

A Frontiers study found that many individuals had high satisfaction rates with online counseling. In the study, individuals and couples were able to describe effectively connecting with their therapist. They reported that video sessions helped enhance the alliance between them and their therapist due to a greater perceived focus on therapeutic processes.

Are you still having trouble seeing your positive qualities? Talking to a professional therapist may allow you to have unbiased support. You can quickly and conveniently get in touch with a mental health specialist from the comfort of your home with BetterHelp. Help is available from wherever you have internet availability and a suitable device.


Wondering whether someone will be able to love you for who you are can feel scary. Using self-love techniques and learning how to determine your needs may be beneficial. Many specialists through BetterHelp are available to help you address attachment concerns, self-love skills, and strategies for finding and maintaining a healthy relationship. 
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