When Will I Find Love?

Medically reviewed by Majesty Purvis, LCMHC
Updated February 21, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Love can feel like a complex emotion, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Though it may be wonderful to experience a romantic relationship, the process of finding the proper partner for your needs may feel stressful or leave you with questions. 

You might wonder why it takes so long or if you'll ever find love. You may work hard in finding your perfect match but start to wonder if giving up on love would be a better idea after a while.

Some individuals believe that giving up on finding love is the key to finding it. You may have heard the phrase, "love will find you when you least expect it." In some cases, you could find that this works for you. In other cases, continuing your search might be your preference, especially if you have been in a previous relationship and you lost them. You find yourself asking "Will I ever find love again?" after the last one ended.

Everyone deserves love

The difference between obsession and a desire to find love 

Some individuals may obsess over love, thinking about it daily and believing they are entitled to or deserve love from a specific idealized person. This can naturally lead to a feeling of stress when they can't find it. Others may find that a search for love is a more casual pursuit. 

Looking for love

If you are looking for love, it may mean that you are actively searching for the right person for you. You might remain open to meeting new and like-minded people, going on dates, or seeing if you can connect through other means, such as work or school. 

Looking for love is often a positive experience, although you may be eager to find someone. It can be an exciting experience that doesn't cause you too much stress or expose you to any negative feelings relating to past relationships. If this is how you are pursuing a relationship, you may have realistic or healthy expectations of the dating process. 

A love search obsession 

If you cross the line from looking to constantly worrying about or thinking about finding a partner, your experience may look different. Those who struggle with obsessions about finding love may focus intensely on the idea of love rather than the practical experience of it. They may also idealize a friend’s relationship, not realizing that almost every relationship has its flaws. 

Some individuals who feel obsessed with finding love could have unrealistic expectations of what they're looking for. Obsession, in this case, might look like searching for fairytale love or looking for someone "perfect." 

Additionally, someone experiencing this might have specific perfectionist standards for their partners that may be nearly impossible to fulfill realistically. These requirements may make it difficult for someone to find love because they can’t stop worrying about a person meeting all of their standards. 

Others who are obsessed with finding love may rush into unhealthy pairings that may end up as failed relationships. They could be so desperate to find a connection that they end up dating people who practice unhealthy behaviors, which may lead to hurt. 

If you become obsessed with the idea of love, you might begin to feel that you aren't enough if you're not in a committed relationship. 

The pros of halting your search for love

If you feel overly stressed about finding your perfect match, you might decide to step back. "Giving up" on finding love to focus on other areas of your life may also benefit you in your love life. You may notice that other parts of your life haven’t been receiving the attention they need. Getting those areas into order can prevent you from becoming a difficult partner to be with or what some consider (inappropriately) as a “hot mess.” 

Stepping away from an active search for romantic love might allow you to focus on yourself and practice self-love. You may also be able to strengthen the non-romantic relationships that already exist in your life by spending more time present with those you care about. These may be people you’ve known your whole life, like long-time friends and family.

You don't have to look at this as giving up on finding true love forever. Consider just stepping back or taking a break. You may find that you enjoy life more when you are not worried about romance. 

The pros of continuing your search for love

In some cases, you may feel that you won't find love if you aren't looking for it. Many individuals believe that if you stop searching, you could pass right by a potential partner every day and never notice them.

The honest answer is that this saying may be true to some extent. If you don't allow yourself to look at anyone in a romantic light, you may miss someone actively attempting to enter into a loving relationship with you, which could cause more frustration. 

To this point, it may be worth keeping an open mind rather than completely stepping away from the idea of love. Allowing yourself to acknowledge potential partners, even if you aren't actively pursuing a relationship, may open the door to naturally occurring romance. 

How to search for love in a healthy way

If you decide to keep an open mind to love, there are some healthy search strategies you might try. 

Know what you want to find 

Setting realistic expectations for what you want in a partner in terms of personal values and goals for the future can help you establish healthy relationships. For example, you might want to find someone who has a love language that is compatible with yours. You can take a love languages quiz to find out which you identify with most. This may help you avoid what you could consider as the “wrong person” for you romantically. 

Take time for yourself 

Consider focusing on figuring out who you are and developing self-confidence and self-love before you go out and try to find love with another person. Establishing a positive and solid relationship with yourself first may help get you in the right frame of mind to find love with another person.

Don't be afraid to look online 

You don't necessarily have to meet someone face-to-face to find love. Online dating and dating apps are a few ways that individuals might choose to meet their future partners. You may be able to talk to people before you meet them in this way. 

Meet up with social groups with similar interests 

Participating in groups of people with similar interests can open you to the possibility of meeting someone who has your interests and goals. Volunteering for a cause or joining a club may be a way to do this. It also helps you expand on your interests outside of dating, which may help you become a more complete person. 

You may also want to explore groups or events that focus specifically on dating. One example would be speed dating events, which can allow you to meet numerous other single people in a short period of time. 

Don't force a relationship

You don't have to enter a relationship as soon as you meet someone. Start by making friends with people. Work on making a real connection with another human being first and see where it goes from there. Trying to force a relationship may also lead you to develop intense feelings for someone who may not be right for you. If a person seems uninterested or emotionally unavailable, it may be best to avoid putting too much effort into developing a romantic connection. 

When counseling can help

Talking to a therapist may benefit you if you are struggling with dating or any mental health challenges (which should never be referred to as “mental health issues,” as this has a negative connotation) you may be experiencing. Therapy can help you identify what you want to find in a partner. It might also aid you in establishing boundaries and avoiding potential heartbreak. 

An experienced therapist may also help you recover from the hurt or past traumas you could have experienced in your dating journey. They may also be able to offer assistance that you would not be able to get with a non-professional or relationship coach. The conversations you have with a therapist may be necessary for you to move forward healthily and find true love. If you're not ready to have a face-to-face conversation, you might also choose to try online therapy. 

Research shows that online therapy is an effective way of confronting romantic relationship issues, including emotions related to isolation and sadness. In a report published in Behavior Therapy, a peer-reviewed academic journal, researchers studied the benefits of internet-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) when treating symptoms of loneliness. They found that it significantly decreased loneliness in participants—along with feelings of worry and depression—and increased overall quality of life. These findings align with a growing body of research that points to online therapy as a highly efficient and valuable form of counseling.

If you want to try online therapy, consider signing up for a platform like BetterHelp to be matched with a counselor that fits your needs. You can partake in online therapy through video calling, phone, or messaging. You may also be able to message your therapist outside of appointments.

Everyone deserves love


Whether you decide to actively look for love or want to stop looking and let love find you, help may still be available. Therapy can be, in some cases, of the utmost importance and an essential first step in learning about your romantic needs. Consider contacting a counselor to get started.

Receive compassionate guidance in love
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
Get the support you need from one of our therapistsGet started