When Will I Find Love?
By: Stephanie Kirby
Updated October 05, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Melinda Santa
Are you struggling to find love? Does it feel like everyone else around you has found that special someone, but it's just not happening for you? You might even be wondering if it just isn't going to happen—"will I ever find love?"
You work and work to try to find the perfect one, but you’re starting to wonder if they're really out there. There is a belief in society that giving up on finding love is the key to finding it. Or, the more common way to say it is, "Love will find you when you least expect it.” But is that true? There are actually cases for both sides of the argument.
Understanding the Difference Between Looking and Being Obsessive
It's one thing to go out looking for love. It's another thing to obsess about it. What's the difference?
Looking for Love
If you are going to go out and look for love, it means that you are actively searching for the right person. You remain open to meeting new people, going on dates, and seeing if you can find someone that you have a connection with.
Looking for love involves positive energy. You are eager to find the one person that you can spend your life with. It's an exciting experience, and one that doesn't cause you too much stress. You have realistic expectations of what you are looking for.
Obsessing About Finding Love
If you have crossed the line from looking to obsessing, your experience will look a little different. Instead of positive energy, you are putting out negative energy. You might struggle with the idea that you aren't "enough" so long as you're not in a serious relationship.
Some people that are obsessed with finding love also have an unrealistic expectation of what they're looking for. If you're like this, you might be looking for the fairy tale. This makes it difficult for you to find love because no one is able to meet what you're looking for. When you have reached this point, it's going to be more difficult to find love.
Others who are obsessed with finding love rush into relationships. They are so desperate to "find love" that they end up dating people that they shouldn't, which leads to heartbreak eventually.
Why You Should Give up on Finding Love
If you are struggling with being obsessed with finding "Mr.or Ms. Right," then you might need to step back. Giving up on finding love can be just the thing that you need to correct your course. If you are so concerned about finding love, you might struggle with your feelings of self-worth. If you are feeling bad about who you are because you aren't in a relationship, then it's something that you should address before trying to find love.
Having healthy self-esteem can go a long way in helping you to find a romantic partner. If you don't know how to love yourself, then you are going to struggle with knowing how to love other people, as well.
You don't have to look at this as giving up on finding love, but simply stepping back or taking a break. There is a lot more to life than being in a relationship. Take some time to step back and focus on all of those things. Enjoy the things that you can do because you aren't in a serious relationship.
Why You Should Keep Looking for Love
The other side of the story is that you won't find love if you aren't looking for it. What if you were hungry and you wanted something to eat? You knew there was food out there, but you decided to take a hands-off approach. So, you decide that you aren't going to look for dinner, or work on making a meal. You're just going to let it come to you. What do you think would happen?
You would go hungry. Food isn't going to magically come to you if you aren't doing something to help make it happen.
Many believe that the same is true for love. If you want to find it, but decide to stop looking for it, you could pass right by a great partner every day and never notice them.
Now, this would only happen if you actually succeeded in shutting yourself off from looking. But, if you did succeed in that, you could never find love because you would pass right by it. And this is why there are many people that believe you should at least keep an eye out for love.
How to Look for Love in a Healthy Way
So, the key is really not to give up on looking for love, but to give up on obsessing about it. You want to keep yourself open to the opportunity, and put out positive energy for others to pick up on. But you also want to make sure that you understand your self-worth outside of being in a relationship.
Here are some tips and healthy ways to look for love:
- Know what you want to find. You'll never know if you found love if you don't know what you want in a partner. You might also be tempted to get into a relationship with the wrong person. Save yourself time and heartbreak by thinking through what you want in "the one.”
- Take time for yourself. Focus on figuring out who you are and developing self-confidence before you go out and try to find love. If you need counseling in order to work through hurtful situations in your past, do it. This will help get you in the right frame of mind to find love.
- Don't be afraid to look online. You don't have to meet someone face to face in order to find love. In fact, online dating is one of the most popular ways for people to meet their future spouse. Be open to finding love where it is instead of trying to make it fit into the box and expectations that you had planned.
- Meet up with groups with similar interests. There are tons of groups all over the country that help connect people who like similar hobbies. This could be going hiking, biking, paddle boarding, craft brewing, or anything else you can imagine. Choose to participate in groups like this in order to meet people that have similar interests as you. Then, be open to the possibility of meeting someone through one of these groups.
- Don't force a relationship. Start by making friends with people. You don't have to jump right into a relationship. Work on making a real connection with someone first, and then see where it goes from there.
When Counseling is Right
Finding love can be a complicated path that is full of heartbreak. There are those that seem to have an easy time finding the person that they want to spend their life with, but this is the exception and not the rule. In fact, there was a study that showed that the path to finding the right one looks a little like this:
- It takes women seven relationships and men eight before they find "the one.”
- People suffer two heartbreaks, and are cheated on once.
- There are, on average, five one-night stands.
- Women will have seven sexual partners, and men will have ten.
- Women will be stood up once, and men twice.
- There will be four disaster dates.
These aren't really the stats you want to hear when you're looking for a relationship. But they also show just how complicated it can be to find the right person.
Talking to a BetterHelp Therapist
If you are struggling with dating, talking to a therapist can help. Therapy can help you to identify exactly what you really want to find in a partner. It can also aid you in establishing important boundaries, and avoiding potential heartbreak. An experienced therapist can also help you recover from the hurt that you have experienced in your dating journey. This can be necessary in order for you to move forward in a healthy way, and find true love.
Research shows that online therapy is an effective way of confronting romantic relationship issues, including emotions related to isolation and sadness. In a report published in Behavior Therapy, a peer-reviewed academic journal, researchers studied the benefits of internet-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (iCBT) when treating symptoms of loneliness. According to the study, iCBT significantly decreased loneliness in participants—along with feelings of worry and depression—and increased overall quality of life. These findings are in line with a growing body of research that points to online therapy as a highly efficient and useful form of counseling. The report also notes that online therapy provides practical benefits, such as cost-effectiveness and accessibility.
As outlined above, online therapy makes it easy to manage mental health issues related to love. You don't have to wait for weeks or months in order to get an appointment. And if you are nervous about addressing private emotions, therapy through BetterHelp can be completely anonymous.When you are looking for "the one,” a qualified professional can give you helpful guidance. Read below for reviews of BetterHelp therapists, from those who have experienced similar issues.
“I was nervous to start BetterHelp, but Jilla Lavian has been welcoming and easy to talk to from day 1. She listens and asks questions that really make me think. She has also taught me some useful mindfulness visualization techniques that have helped my relationships and my stress. I am so glad I am working with her and happy I found someone who I felt trust in very quickly.”
“Dr. Russell listens to me and converses about my issues. Additionally, she makes observations regarding my relationships, including my academic work.”
Whether you are going to go out and actively look for love, or stop looking and let love find you, don’t hesitate to get the help you need.Therapy can be an important first step.
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