When Will I Find Love?

Love is a wonderful but complex emotion, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Though it can be wonderful when you are in a romantic relationship, the process of finding the right partner for your needs can be stressful, filled with heartbreak, and can leave you with many questions about yourself. Why is this taking so long? Will I ever find love? You may work and work to try to find the “perfect one” (or perfect ones), but perhaps you’re starting to wonder if your true love is really out there.

There is a belief in some parts of our society that giving up on finding love is the key to finding it. The more common way to say it is, "Love will find you when you least expect it.” But is that true? There are actually cases for both sides of the argument.

Understanding the Difference Between Looking and Being Obsessive

It's one thing to go out looking for love; it's another thing to obsess about it. What's the difference?

Looking for Love

If you are looking for love, it means that you are actively searching for a partner or partners who is right for you, meaning you remain open to meeting new people, going on dates, and seeing if you can find a connection with them.

Looking for love is often a positive experience. You may be eager to find the person or people who you can spend your life with. It can be an exciting experience and one that doesn't cause you too much stress. If you are looking for love in this way, you likely have realistic expectations of the kind of partner or partners you are looking for.

Obsessing About Finding Love

If you cross the line from looking to obsessing, your experience will usually look a little different. Those who are obsessive about finding love usually focus intensely on the idea of love rather than the practical experience of it.

Some people who are obsessed with finding love have an unrealistic expectation of what they're looking for or interested in. Obsession in this case might look like searching for a fairy tale, with the perfect relationship from start to finish and a flawless partner. It might also look like having incredibly specific, perfectionist standards for your partners that are nearly if not impossible to realistically fulfill. This can make it difficult for you to find real love because no one is able to meet what you're looking for.

Others who are obsessed with finding love may rush into relationships. They may be so desperate to "find love" that they end up dating people that they shouldn't, which often leads to heartbreak. Beyond that, if you become obsessed with the idea of love, you might begin to feel that you aren't "enough" so long as you're not in a serious relationship.

Why You Should Give up on Finding Love

If you feel you may be obsessed with finding "Mr. or Ms. Right," then you might need to step back. “Giving up” on finding love can be just the thing that you need to correct your course.

You don't have to look at this as giving up on finding love forever, but simply as stepping back or taking a break. There is a lot more to life than being in a relationship; by stepping back, you can take some time to focus on all of those things and enjoy the things that you can do because you aren’t in a serious relationship.

Why You Should Keep Looking for Love

On the other hand, there is an argument to be made that you may not find true love if you aren't looking for it. Many believe that if you want to find love, but decide to stop looking for it, you could pass right by a great partner every day and never notice them.

This may be true to some extent; if you don’t allow yourself to look at anyone in a romantic light, you may miss someone actively attempting to enter into a relationship with you, which can cause more frustration. To this point, it may be worth keeping an open mind rather than completely stepping away from the idea of love.

By allowing yourself to acknowledge potential partners, even if you aren’t actively pursuing a relationship, you can open the door to romances that spring up more naturally.

How to Look for Love in a Healthy Way

If you decide to keep an open mind to love, here are some tips and healthy ways to look for it:

• Know what you want to find. Setting realistic expectations for what you want in a partner – in terms of personal values and goals for the future – can help you establish healthy long-term relationships that are more likely to last.
• Take time for yourself. Focus on figuring out who you are and developing self-confidence before you go out and try to find love. Establishing a positive relationship with yourself first can help get you in the right frame of mind to find love with another person.
• Don't be afraid to look online. You don't always have to meet someone face to face in order to find love. In fact, online dating is one of the most popular ways for people to meet their future spouses. Be open to finding love wherever it is.
• Meet up with groups with similar interests. Choosing to participate in groups of people that have similar interests as you can open you to the possibility of meeting someone who shares your interests and goals.
• Don't force a relationship. You don't have to jump right into a relationship. Start by making friends with people. Work on making a real connection with someone first, and see where it goes from there.

When Counseling Can Help

If you are struggling with dating, talking to a therapist can help. Therapy can help you to identify exactly what you really want to find in a partner. It can also aid you in establishing important boundaries and avoiding potential heartbreak. An experienced therapist can also help you recover from the hurt that you may have experienced in your dating journey. This may be necessary in order for you to move forward in a healthy way and find true love.

Research shows that online therapy is an effective way of confronting romantic relationship issues, including emotions related to isolation and sadness. In a report published in Behavior Therapy, a peer-reviewed academic journal, researchers studied the benefits of internet-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (iCBT) when treating symptoms of loneliness and found that it significantly decreased loneliness in participants—along with feelings of worry and depression—and increased overall quality of life. These findings are in line with a growing body of research that points to online therapy as a highly efficient and useful form of counseling.