Relationship Advice: Overcoming The Challenges Of An Age Gap
Finding the person you love can be a beautiful thing. For some couples, that person may be significantly older or younger. Age-gap relationships can bring joy and excitement but might also present unique challenges.
Read on to learn strategies to help overcome challenges in age-gap relationships.
What Are Age Gap Relationships?
When the partners in a romantic relationship have 10 or more years difference in their ages, it might be considered an age gap relationship. However, many successful relationships occur between partners with decades between birth dates.
When Age Is Just A Number
This article examines relationships between consenting adults, not adults with adolescents. If you’re under the age of consent and an adult's behavior makes you uncomfortable, resources are available to help.
- Reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline 24/7 for support at 800-656-4673
- StopItNow! has a helpline at 888-773-8368 and various online resources
Common Challenges For Age Gap Relationships
In addition to the typical challenges most relationships face, many couples with an age gap may face stigma and judgment. Younger people might be thought to be after a partner’s money, while people may think an older partner is predatory or showing poor judgment.
According to research, many couples where one partner is significantly older use three strategies to manage the stigma they face in their relationship. They include:
- Passing: One partner actively works to look and feel closer in age to the other
- Lampooning: Using humor to deflect any threat stigma poses
- Dismissing: Both partners agree to ignore the judgment as if it doesn’t exist
Addressing Concerns And Disapproval From Family
It can be easy to feel like age is just a number when you're in love. However, even though you see the beautiful aspects of your relationship, friends and family may not always react with joy when you tell them.
Loved ones on both sides might question whether your relationship is valid or healthy. What do you want the main takeaway to be after the revelation? Do you want them to know you’re loved and happy, understand your plans for the future, or see how well your partner treats you?
You might want to listen to their concerns and do your best to respond calmly with logical answers. If their questions cross boundaries, you can respectfully tell them you aren't ready to discuss the topic.
U.S. Age Gap Relationship Statistics
Here are statistics surrounding age gap relationships in the U.S., according to the BGCU American Community Survey from 2019:
- Remarried couples showed the highest average age gap between partners—7.4 years for same-sex couples and 5.6 years for heterosexual couples
- The smallest age gap was seen among first-time marriages, with an average age gap of 2.9 years for heterosexual couples and 5.8 years for same-sex couples
- The mean age difference for same-sex couples was substantially higher (6.3 years) than for heterosexual couples (3.9 years)
Working To Blend Families
Falling in love with someone significantly older than you may mean your new relationship comes with a built-in family. Even without the concern of children, building connections with your partner's family can be beneficial. If your partner is decades older, they may have children close to your age, which might cause contention when you tell them about the relationship.
Discussing Plans For Future Children
When delving into an age-gap relationship, it might help to discuss whether you want children together. If you skip this step, you could end up in a relationship with someone who has different fundamental life goals than you.
For example, if your partner is older, already has children, and doesn’t want more, will that affect the long-term vision for your life?
Merging Financial Matters
When one partner is substantially older than the other, there may be differences in life experience and financial stability. Money issues can be a source of conflict in many relationships, but particularly in age-gap relationships.
An older partner might be in a different place financially, with an established career, property ownership, or investments. Some couples may consider a pre- or post-nuptial agreement to clarify money matters. Financial concerns may be a primary judgment your relationship faces, but you can work past them with effective communication.
Maintaining Emotional Intimacy
Building a strong connection with your partner can be challenging in any relationship. Couples with an age gap may face increased struggles with emotional intimacy because they may have vastly different life experiences and circumstances.
Emotional intimacy may fade without effort from both partners, allowing distance to grow between you. Here are some tips for staying connected:
- Focus your attention on your love story and continue making it a priority
- Communicate openly with each other regularly
- Accept your differences and find ways to complement each other
- Make plans for your future
- Remember that maturity is relative, and accept your partner as they are
- Be patient and flexible if you come across age-related conflicts
- Prioritize time with your partner. Schedule regular date nights and make time for each other
- Attend couples therapy if you have trouble working past conflicts in the relationship
- Prepare to face uncertainty as you encounter new issues and work to overcome them together
Handling Health Problems
Health issues may become a more frequent obstacle in some age-gap relationships. If one partner is significantly older, age-related health issues may complicate things. You might want to consider the possibility of becoming a caretaker if unexpected health issues put you in that role.
Finding A Healthy Power Balance
When one partner has substantially more power, wealth, or experience, it can create an uneven power dynamic, with the younger partner relying on the older one for advice and support.
Finding healthy ways to balance the power in your relationship can be essential so both partners feel equally valued and important.
Accounting For Differences In Maturity
Dating someone whose age is vastly different than yours can lead to drastic variations in maturity level. Find things you have in common and make a place to fit your partner into your life.
Facing Stigma And Judgment
People sometimes judge what they don’t understand, and that narrow view may extend to your relationship. Individuals may see you together and feel they can comment on who you choose to love or make assumptions about you and your partner.
Reach Out For Help
If you feel like the emotional connection between yourself and your partner is weakening or you experience struggles you can’t work past, consider speaking with a licensed couples therapist. Licensed mental health professionals can help facilitate productive communication and conflict resolution with the support of a mental health professional.
How Couples Therapy Can Help Overcome Age Gap Challenges
While age-gap relationships face additional unique problems, help is available to build healthy lines of communication so you can work through things with your partner. Working with a licensed therapist through online platforms like BetterHelp puts treatment just a few clicks away. Flexible appointment formats through phone, video call, or online chat make it simple to fit couples therapy into your busy schedule.
Recent studies indicate that online couples therapy can be as effective as face-to-face sessions. Explore the issues affecting your relationship with professional support.
Therapist Reviews
“I enjoyed my sessions with Dr. Anstadt. He helped me see how one issue was affecting multiple aspects of my life. He has greatly improved my relationships with the people I’m closest to and even the way I approach work. I have seen a huge difference in my relationships already, and I have several tools to help me manage the issues I started seeking therapy for. I cannot express how thankful I am to Dr. I Anstadt!”
“She has been a great listening ear, and given me some great suggestions to improving my relationship.”
Takeaway
Want to work with a trained mental health professional to learn more? Take the first step with BetterHelp to get started.
Relationship FAQs
Can An Age Gap Relationship Work?
Yes. Many couples with a significant age difference can make a relationship work. The key is to be mindful of the gap in your relationship so you can address all the issues involved. But for many couples, age is a minor factor, because their similarities and differences have more to do with personal and psychological factors than age. Whether you are already married, living together, or just thinking of getting closer, talking to a couples’ counselor can help you face and make decisions that come up because of age differences.
What Is The Age Gap Too Big?
When it comes to the difference in age, there is no hard and fast rule about the specific age you each have to be. Of course, big age gaps will likely present more problems than a relationship in which the partners are more similarly aged.
But are there any guidelines at all to rely on? Some people suggest going by the half-your-age-plus-seven rule. The idea is that if you take half your age and add seven years, that should be the minimum age, you should have a relationship with to be socially acceptable as a couple. Or, you can find the maximum age you should have a relationship with by taking your age, subtracting seven years, and multiplying by two. At least, that’s the theory.
However, the half-your-age-plus-seven rule isn’t necessarily valid for everyone. Certainly, by doing the calculation, you might be more aware of potential problems that you need to sort through. But it won’t tell you for sure whether the relationship will work or be socially acceptable or not.
What Is The Best Age Gap For A Couple?
So, if the half-your-age-plus-seven rule gives you an idea of the maximum or minimum age your partner should be, what is the best age gap for a couple? Again, there’s no magic formula that will tell you what will work best. However, people who are closer in age seem to stay together longer. With an average age gap of one year, couples only had a 3% chance of breaking up, while couples five years apart had an 18% chance, couples ten years apart had a 39% chance, and couples 20 years apart had a 95% chance of breaking up, according to one study.
So, it seems clear that trying to have a relationship with a big age difference between you and your partner is riskier, the greater the age differences. Does that mean a relationship with a big age difference can’t work? No, that’s not true in every case. Remember that even the couples with a 20-year difference still had a 5% chance of staying together. Only you and your partner can decide if your relationship is worth facing the risks inherent in a big age difference.
What Age Is Considered Old?
When considering whether to dive into a relationship with a big age difference, it might help you to think about whether you would end up being a young person with a partner who is considered old. By the same token, if you are the older partner, you need to consider whether your partner would find you too old after a while, or you would consider them too young. Age differences often seem more important when one partner is old.
The exact age when you’re considered old depends on several factors. For one thing, researchers determined that if the average age when the likelihood that you will die in the next year is 2% or higher, you would be considered old. Right now, that works out to 73 years old for women and 65 years old for men. Other factors that may make someone seem old, and thus maximize the effects of a big age gap, include poor physical health, low energy, not being deeply engaged in any activities, or being socially isolated.
Does Age Matter In A Relationship When The Woman Is Older?
Age differences matter in relationships when the woman is older just as when the man is older. But with older women, age differences can mean that the couple needs to seriously consider the impact on marriage and family since there is a limit to how old she can be to have children safely. On the other hand, since women aren’t considered old until they’re 73 – 8 years older than men are considered old – that factor is less of an issue for older women than for men.
What Age Is A Woman’s Prime?
A relationship with a big space between the partner’s ages may work better or worse depending on when they are each in their prime. A woman is at her peak hormonally in her mid to late 20s. Many people have suggested that women are in the sexual prime during the decade between 30 and 40. Yet, each person hits their peak of sexuality at a different age. Other factors that come into play are the woman’s body image and confidence, their unique sexuality, whether they trust their partner, and how well they know their sexual preferences. The age differences are less significant when the two partners can meet on common ground in terms of sexuality.
What Age Are Men Most Fertile?
If you plan on having children within a relationship with a big variance in age, you need to consider whether the man is fertile enough to get the woman pregnant. The average age of a man’s peak fertility comes before they are 40. Although men can still father babies much later in life, their fertility decreases after they reach the age of 40.
At What Age Should A Woman Stop Having Babies?
There are many roads to marriage and family. But if you want to have babies within the relationship, you need to consider the woman’s ability to have healthy babies safely. As with most questions regarding age, there is a lot of variances based on factors like health, heredity, and living conditions. Although it may be younger for women with health problems, generally, the age when women should stop having babies is about 45 years old. At that time, her fertility is likely so low that she couldn’t conceive naturally. But even in their late 30s and 40s, women are at higher risk for complications and health problems related to childbirth. The fetus is also at higher risk of congenital disabilities if the mother is in her late 30s or older. So, in a relationship with a big span of years between the partners’ ages, the couple may need to consider adoption if the woman is older than her late 30s.
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