I Broke Up With My Boyfriend But Question My Decision
Medically Reviewed By April Brewer , DBH, LPCCouples break up for many reasons. Sometimes the reasons are clear, such as frequent arguments, lack of interest, and abuse. Other times, breakups are not so obvious, and that can leave you questioning your decision. You may think your partner was a good person, but that something was missing in the relationship. In those cases, it can be difficult to watch the person you care about suffer after you leave them. That doesn't, however, mean your decision was wrong. You deserve to live life with someone who makes you happy.
I Broke Up with My Boyfriend
The truth is that breaking up with someone can be a kind thing to do for them, even if they are sad afterward. Staying with someone you don't feel satisfied with could lead you to develop resentment towards them, and that can build up over time, which could lead to a big conflict in the future.
Although your partner may think they want to be with you now, breaking up can save them from being in a miserable relationship in which they are unfulfilled and unappreciated down the road. If you find you're still questioning your decision, consider what caused you to break up with them. If you both wanted different things and the relationship was just not compatible, you may have made the right decision, and the best course is to press on.
On the other hand, if you still feel you can make the relationship work, and the relationship is worth saving, you can try to reach out to your ex and talk things out. You should discuss if the differences or disagreements could be compromised and if you can both commit to resolving the issues. This will help provide insight into whether your relationship can be reconciled.
What Are Your Relationship Ingredients?
People get into and stay in relationships for various reasons. It helps to identify your "relationship ingredients," and then determine if you're willing to compromise with your ex if certain ingredients are missing. Your relationship ingredients may not include the ones listed below, but here are some possible examples:
- Happiness
- Respect
- Value
- Attraction
- Security
- Communication
- Freedom to have outside friends or other relationships
How to Cope with Regret and Guilt
Consider that the breakup may be better for you as well. Overcoming the guilt now opens the possibility of finding a better life later. That may mean a different kind of partner, or it may mean dedicating yourself to single life and your pursuits. After a relationship ends, it's easy to remember the good and forget the bad, especially if you're feeling lonely. But getting back together with someone you broke up with is rarely a good idea. That's not to say it never works, but be prepared for hurt feelings.
It's okay for you to feel sad after initiating a breakup. Sadness and guilt do not mean you made the wrong decision. If you felt the need to break up, there was a reason. Here are some ways to make regret or guilt easier:
- Ask yourself if things would be different a second time around or if you'd be dealing with the same problems. In a relationship, you take a person at their best and their worst. Are you comfortable being with your ex at their worst? Or do you want a fantasy version of them?
- Ask yourself if returning to your ex would mean settling for less. You should not enter a relationship because you don't think you can do any better. You can. The best path is to fill your life with the most fulfilling relationships you can, and that doesn't always mean a romantic partner.
- Remind yourself that life is not about the search for a romantic partner. Pursue all the other things that bring you meaning and happiness.
- Avoid talking to your ex. It's better to just to let it go. If a friendship remains, it can be reconnected later, after you've both had a chance to heal.
If your regret is fleeting, such as brief longings when you need a date for a party, then it's a good sign you're just feeling lonely. You can feel lonely even in the presence of others. If you think you've misunderstood your feelings of loneliness, here are a few pointers:
- Feeling lonely is natural. It's normal to feel lonely after a breakup because your life is experiencing a change. It's better to acknowledge the feeling of loneliness rather than fight it. Avoid the urge to eliminate that feeling by getting prematurely involved in a new relationship or returning to your ex.
- Process and accept your emotions. Sometimes expressing your emotions is perceived as weak or disruptive. People will encourage you to "stay strong." This isn't healthy. You're human and it's normal to feel. Somehow it seems to have become the normal expectation that we should "be happy" or "be strong" all the time. This perspective is unrealistic. Understand your feelings, don't reject them. Reach out to friends who will support you expressing your honest feelings. If you find you can't progress emotionally and don't feel comfortable being honest with friends, understand that you don't have to go it alone. The credentialed counselors at BetterHelp can help you move forward. A counselor can help you understand why you feel so alone and what you can do to change.
- Love yourself first. The idea of being alone may sound a bit scary. However, being okay with being alone is an important element of one's happiness. Learning to be alone allows you to develop happiness that isn't dependent on a romantic relationship.
- Explore new interests and engage in hobbies. Identify past hobbies and activities you once enjoyed. Find new ones. This will help distract you from negative thoughts and may offer the opportunity to meet new people.
- Try to journal. Expressing your thoughts, feelings, and plans in writing often brings a sense of relief and fulfillment. Also, expressing your thoughts and feelings about your ex in a journal could allow you to review the entries at a later date and provide deeper insight.
- Seek help. Often we turn to our family, friends, colleagues, or even strangers to discuss sensitive or pressing thoughts. Other times we hold our feelings inside until we feel we'll spill over. A professional counselor offers a nonjudgmental ear and a sense of clarity and guidance. Instead of causing more problems by seeking out your ex, talk to a professional counselor who can help you cope with loneliness, regret, and guilt. By connecting with a counselor at BetterHelp, you can have a qualified counselor at your fingertips via your mobile phone, tablet, laptop, or desktop computer. Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp counselors, from people experiencing similar issues.
Counselor Reviews
"I've tried other counselors that I liked but didn't seem right for me but Margaret has been amazing! I love her honesty, compassion, and realness! It was really easy to open up to her and she's helped me get through a very tough breakup that nobody else could seem to get me through. I would recommend her to anyone! She makes it so comfortable to talk to her as if you've known her for forever!"
"Sabrina is helping me so much through my breakup and I am so excited for her to help me along my journey of self love and discovery. Thank you for helping me detangle my inner problems, and guiding me to the end of each and every string!"
Conclusion
Having second thoughts after a breakup is normal. Once you identify the problem and decide to solve it, you'll be able to rest easy. With the right tools, you'll be on your way to reaching a place of closure and comfort. You can request a confidential consultation with a board-certified therapist online. Take the first step today.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
How do I deal with a breakup with my boyfriend?
Separating from someone a girlfriend or boyfriend you love is never easy. The first step to dealing with the breakup is to be easy on yourself. Regardless of whose fault the breakup is, you've both experienced a separation and loss. Be honest about your feelings and chat with a professional if needed.
How do you deal with breaking up with someone?
Start by being honest with yourself and honoring your feelings. Allow yourself to cry and experience the emotions of the breakup when you're in a safe space. Seeking guidance and counseling from a licensed professional can help you develop new coping skills to heal.
How do you know when a relationship is really over?
At first, it may be difficult to realize that a relationship is in trouble or that your partner feels like the relationship should end. Letting problems persist or go unresolved can lead to what many refer to as the point of no return, in which a split may become the next step.
Therefore, if your partner begins showing signs of dissatisfaction with the relationship, or if you are struggling with your feelings, it’s important to take the time to address the issues as soon as possible. Some signs that a relationship is over may include your partner avoiding alone time with you, canceling plans or making excuses for why they don’t have time for things that are important to you. If the time you spend together is more stressful than peaceful, this is an indication that things are not moving in a positive long-term direction.
How do you get over a breakup with someone you still love?
Time really does heal all wounds. Allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of this close relationship. Remember that losing the relationship isn't the end of the world. This is a new opportunity to find someone who is a better match for who you are.
What percentage of breakups get back together?
This is tricky to say. Many couples break up and get back together several times before they officially call it quits. The majority of couples who have broken up for good -- rarely get back together.
Is it normal to miss your ex after 2 years?
Yes, missing your ex from time-to-time after the relationship has ended is normal. Memories of your relationship are like memories of any other important events, friendships, and milestones in your life. Just because you broke up, doesn't mean you'll never miss your ex again. On the flip side, just because you miss them -- doesn't mean you should get back together. There is no timeline for getting over a breakup.
Can breaking up save a relationship?
Taking a break and allowing each other some space can work wonders for a relationship that is going through a rocky period. The two of you may see a different side of each other after taking time to explore new interests on your own. In some cases, this breath of fresh air leads wayward couples back to each other. In others, it leads them out of the relationship completely.
How long should a relationship break last?
No two relationships are alike. There have been cases where a lover stated "I knew in my heart the time was right."There are no hard and fast rules for how long a relationship break should last. This is up to the discretion of the couple. Whatever time frame you and your partner decide on -- make sure that the rules for the break are clear, understood, and agreed upon by both parties to prevent new issues in the future.
What should you do when you've just broken up with your boyfriend?
Going through a breakup can leave you feeling uncertain and wondering what next. If you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend, there are some things you can do that will may make the breakup easier to deal with.
- Let yourself grieve the loss of the relationship. Even if the relationship didn’t last a long time, you need to have time to adjust to the change.
- Unfriend your boyfriend from social media accounts so that you don’t have to see his posts. This will really help your feelings when he moves on to a new relationship.
- Try a new hairstyle. As simple as this may sound, a simple thing like a haircut or color can make you feel like a new person.
- Change your email address or create a new one and change social media passwords. If he has your email address, you don’t want him to use that to contact you. Create a new email address or change your settings to flag his emails as inappropriate. Also, if he had access to your social media accounts, change your passwords right away.
- If you aren’t exercising and being active, start! Exercise promotes the release of endorphins, also referred to as the “happy hormones” of the body. By being active on a consistent basis, you can have a steady stream of endorphins released into your blood stream which will help keep your mood happy.
- Seek counseling, if needed. Depending on the circumstances of your breakup, you may be dealing with some unresolved feelings or emotional scars. If you feel overwhelmed and aren’t sure how to handle the stress of the breakup, it’s important to acknowledge that. It may be helpful to reach out to a counselor or therapist to learn effective coping mechanisms.
Why do I miss him after breaking up with him?
Just because you are the one who broke up with your boyfriend, that doesn’t mean you are not allowed to miss him. The amount of time you spent with him, the memories you still have, and the circumstances that led to the breakup will all an impact on your emotions afterward. It is okay to miss him after breaking up. It is okay to cry if you feel sad. In fact, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to process the breakup.
Should I call him after I broke up with him?
Perhaps the more important question is, why would you want to call him after you broke up with him? If your breakup was on good terms and you both feel comfortable with communicating, a phone call may not be a bad thing. However, if you broke up with him and he was unhappy about it or acted angry or hurt, you may want to ask yourself what good calling him will do. If you feel you’ve made a mistake and want to discuss it, that’s one thing. On the other hand, if you feel guilty for the way you ended the relationship, it may be best to leave the situation alone and give him his space.
Does a guy feel bad after a breakup?
Yes, some guys do feel bad after a breakup. Of course, the circumstances that led to the breakup will have an impact on how he feels and/or responds to you. Some guys feel guilty after breaking up with a girl. Others may second-guess their decision to end the relationship and wonder if they should try to reconcile the relationship. If he didn’t want the relationship to end and you did, he may feel hurt after the breakup and question what he could have done differently.
Who hurts more after a breakup?
Whether a man or woman hurts more after a breakup may vary from one relationship to another. If the relationship was long-term, chances are the hurt that the parties experience may be worse. In some studies, women reported higher levels of emotional pain after a breakup and may experience more physical symptoms. Men may not show obvious signs of emotional pain or trauma, but they do feel it. Additionally, in most cases men seem to move on to relationships with new partners more quickly.
What are the 5 stages of break up?
The five stages of a breakup are the same as the five stages of grief model. The stages are as follows:
- Denial: During this time, you may try to reconcile the relationship with your ex because you can’t accept that the relationship is over. The pain of having someone leave your life can feel very intense and you may find it difficult to move on.
- Anger: Feeling anger toward your ex is not uncommon. Also, during this difficult time, you may find that you feel anger or frustration toward others, even if they have nothing to do with the breakup. You may feel anger because of all the time you spent devoted to the relationship, angry because you can’t fix the situation, or angry because you feel like you were done wrong.
- Bargaining: After a breakup, some people try to bargain with God. They may tell God that if their ex comes back, they will be a better person or live a better life. It is during this stage that you may feel desperate or helpless.
- Depression: This stage of a breakup is usually the most difficult to get through. You may feel sad about the breakup or feel worried that falling in love again is out of your reach. Take your time to let yourself health emotionally. Spending time with a friend or loved one may help relieve some of the symptoms of depression. Also, you may need to seek the help of a counselor if depression symptoms persist.
- Acceptance: The final stage of a breakup is the acceptance stage. After a period of dealing with the hurt, anger and frustration that you felt, you will begin to feel like you can accept the breakup and move on with your life.
Do guys miss you after breakup?
Of course, guys may miss you after a breakup. No matter how difficult a relationship was or how happy he may seem that the relationship has ended, there are times when he may miss you.
Who moves faster after breakup?
It’s not always easy to determine who may move on faster after a breakup. The person who wanted the breakup, is typically the one who finds it easier to move on, while the partner who wanted to continue the relationship may experience feelings of disbelief and hope for the relationship to be mended.
Do guys regret breaking up?
There really is not a cookie cutter outline of how a guy will respond after a breakup. Do some guys regret breaking up? Sure, they do. Do all guys regret breaking up? Probably not. The reason for a breakup is a main factor regarding whether a person has regrets afterward. If a guy breaks up with you and then misses you, he may regret the decision. If the breakup happened in the heat of an argument, he may have regrets. If a guy has broken up with you, it’s best to not try and make him feel guilty or tell him he will regret it. Let him work out his feelings on his own.
How do you make him chase you after breakup?
The first rule to follow if you want to make a guy chase you after a breakup is, no contact! Reaching out to him makes it look like you are chasing him, and you obviously want him to chase you. When he does reach out, don’t fall all over yourself to make yourself available to him. When you are too available, it makes it easier to take you for granted. Yes, you can talk or text. You can even go out to dinner now and then. Just don’t make it look like all you have to do is sit around and wait for his call.
If he texts you, wait a while before you answer him. This will leave him wondering what you could be doing that is more important than him and that’s what you want him to think! Have you ever heard someone make a comment like, “Why would I check a book out of the library if someone already told me how it ended?” The same logic can be applied to a relationship or a breakup. If you want to make a guy chase you, don't make yourself an open book.
Will no contact make him forget me?
Typically, when you go no contact an ex will not forget you. If you truly go radio silent where your ex is concerned, he will usually begin to wonder what you’re doing, will think about things you did together and may even begin to wonder if a breakup was the right choice. In fact, instead of making him forget you, no contact may make him think of you and want to be with you more.
How long after a breakup will I feel better?
There really is no guarantee of how long it will take you to feel better after a breakup. It will typically be easier to move on and feel better if you stay busy. Cultivate a healthy social life. Go out to dinner with some of your best friends. Spending time with loved ones that you haven’t seen in a while and meeting new people will help to fill the void and ease the pain of a breakup. If you and your ex worked together, you may even consider finding a new job. Making a fresh start that is separate from things the two of you shared or had in common (as much as possible) can remove the temptation to stay involved in what is going on in his life and can give you a new outlook on life.
