Still In Love With An Ex: Caring For Your Mental Health After A Breakup
Months and even years after the end of a relationship, you may still find yourself thinking about an ex. In some cases, you might still hold strong feelings for them.
If you feel like you’re still in love with your ex, it may help to remember that that your feelings are valid and that it can take time for romantic feelings to subside. One study even found that after participants viewed photos of their ex-partners, their brains lit up in areas associated with physical pain.
Research confirms that many people experience intense feelings of pain, love, and desire for an ex-partner. However, these feelings often fade over time, especially when you’re investing in activities and relationships that enhance your mental health.
If you’re looking for direction in the wake of a breakup, you might consider some of the following tips to help you process your lingering feelings for an ex and begin the next stage of your life with confidence.
Why is the post-breakup period so difficult?
Symptoms of breakup grief that can affect your mental health
Possible symptoms of grief after a breakup could include things like:
- Sleep disturbances, including insomnia and dreaming or thinking about your ex
- Intrusive thoughts about your ex and past relationship, described as a physical pain in the chest or heart, often experienced as a result of physical or emotional stress
- Reduced immunity, potentially caused by elevated stress hormones
- Symptoms of depression and anxiety, including loss of appetite and irritability
While these symptoms are common, every breakup can be unique. As you move on from your former relationship, you may encounter entirely different challenges. Also, in some cases, breakups can offer a sense of relief and freedom, even if you still love your ex.
Regardless of how your mind and body feel, there’s no one “correct” way to get over your ex. By acknowledging that breakups can affect your entire body, you may find that you can begin processing your experiences and determine how you want to stay in contact with your ex, if at all.
Should I talk to my ex? Questions to consider before revealing your feelings
Depending on the nature of your parting, you may feel like you need to talk to your ex about your feelings and goals for the future of your relationship. It may be useful to first take some time to reflect on what you’d like to say and how you’d like to communicate it.
If you’re feeling deeper feelings for your ex and unsure how—or if—to express them, here are some questions to consider before reaching out.
1. Is it safe to reach out?
Before reaching out to a past partner, consider whether it’s safe to do so. If there is any history of abuse or harassment, it may not be safe or healthy to communicate with your ex, regardless of your feelings for them.
2. Can you stay friends?
Maintaining a friendship with your ex may or may not help ease the pain of a breakup. If you’re considering this possibility, you might take time to honestly reflect on your reasons for pursuing a friendship. A 2017 study published in Personal Relationships found that when people choose to remain friends with an ex, they most commonly cite one of the following four reasons:
- Security
- Practicality
- Civility
- Unresolved romantic desires
This study found that when exes formed friendships based on assurance or practicality, the outcomes were typically more positive. While this is just one study, it can serve as a reminder to consider your motivations for friendship and outline them clearly for yourself, as well as your ex-partner.
3. What are your dating goals?
Right now, you may not be thinking about the prospect of dating, especially if you’re still feeling love or desire for your ex.
If some time has passed and you’re still wondering whether you should talk to your ex about your feelings, you might ask yourself, “Do I want to try dating this person again?” Ultimately, you can decide whether you want to pursue your feelings and give the relationship a second try or instead invest energy in dating new people—or remain single without actively pursuing a relationship.
4. Do you want to start dating other people?
If you’re thinking about dating other people while staying friends with your ex, you may want to consider the following scenarios:
- How comfortable would I feel talking about my ex with a new partner?
- How would I respond to questions from a new partner about my ex?
- How might discussing my feelings affect my ex-partner’s healing process and mental health?
By anticipating and answering these questions beforehand, you can assess your feelings and how they might affect your dating goals, as well as your ability to maintain a friendship with your ex.
5. How much time has passed since the breakup?
If you’re wondering how long to wait before reaching out to an ex, the answer may depend on the circumstances of the breakup and your mental health needs. Some people wait at least 30 days before reaching out. Others may need a few months or a year or simply choose to end communication, especially if there are safety concerns.
Potential benefits of a “no contact” period if you’re still in love with an ex
If you’re contemplating whether to express feelings for an ex, it may be helpful to enforce a “no-contact” period so that you both have an opportunity to reflect on your emotions and goals for further communication. One study found that by reflecting on a past relationship through research on breakups, participants were able to process the breakup better and develop a stronger self-concept.
How therapy may help if you’re still in love with an ex
If you’re experiencing feelings for an ex, you may benefit from connecting with a licensed therapist. They may be able to help you examine your feelings and work on relationship skills that might help you in the future.
Exploring online therapy
If you feel hesitant about going to a therapist’s office, you might consider online therapy instead. With online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp, you can connect with a therapist from the comfort of your home or anywhere with an internet connection. You can communicate with your therapist by phone, live chat, or videoconferencing at a time that works for you. You also contact your therapist at any time via in-app messaging, and they’ll respond as soon as they can. This feature may be especially useful if you have questions or concerns about your feelings for your ex in between sessions.
Research on online therapy’s effectiveness
Numerous studies have suggested that online therapy can often be just as effective as in-person therapy. For example, a 2021 study assessed an online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) program designed to help young adults improve their self-esteem and forgiveness levels after a breakup. After the eight-week CBT program, which was delivered online in a group therapy setting, the participants reported greater self-esteem and capacity for forgiveness.
Takeaway
What does “residual feelings for an ex” mean?
“Residual feelings for an ex” refers to the lingering emotions or memories after a relationship ends. Even though the relationship has concluded, these unresolved feelings indicate that more time, energy, or work is needed to find closure. Most people experience this to some degree, as emotional attachments don’t usually vanish overnight.
How do you get over residual feelings for an ex?
Getting over residual feelings often requires time, focus, and acceptance. One should realize that not all relationships end with complete closure, and it’s OK to feel sad or even to harbor anger following a breakup. But just because you’re experiencing a breakup doesn’t mean you have to stop loving yourself.
Focusing on your own journey through self-love and self-care for your physical and mental health can help you cope with heartbreak. Processing what happened through writing and human conversation can be great tools in most cases. Seeking support from family members or a best friend, focusing on new activities, making new friends, or seeking therapy from a mental health professional can help deal with lingering emotions and help you develop an even better version of yourself. In the same way that pain fades over time, so too can your attachment, allowing you to move forward.
How long do feelings for an ex last?
The duration for which feelings for an ex last can vary greatly. While some individuals might move on in a matter of weeks or months, others might find it a difficult time getting over those memories for years. It depends on the depth of the relationship and how it ended. In many cases, accepting that your story with your ex has ended can aid in healing. Working with a mental health professional in therapy can assist you on your journey.
Is it normal for old feelings to come back?
Yes, it’s normal. Memories of past relationships, especially significant ones, can resurface, making one miss their ex. These feelings can be triggered by events, songs, or even places that were significant in the relationship. The world is full of reminders, so it’s understandable to feel nostalgia from time to time. Reminiscing does not necessarily mean that getting back together with your ex is the right choice, but it may be an opportunity to reflect on your past and decide what kind of boundaries you might need from your next relationship.
Why is my ex reminiscing with me?
If an ex is reminiscing with you, it might indicate that they have not completely let go of the memories made. They might hope for a reconnection, find comfort in recalling happier times, or be testing the waters for a potential rebound relationship. In any case, it can be important to determine whether reminiscing with your ex is beneficial for your personal healing.
Is it possible to never get over someone?
For some individuals, completely forgetting someone might seem impossible, especially if the relationship had a profound impact on their lives. While the acute pain of a broken heart may fade, memories and feelings might persist, albeit in a more subdued manner.
Breaking up with someone doesn’t mean you have to harbor resentment for them for your whole life. Sometimes, breakups happen—even if the couple shares true love— because of circumstances out of the couple’s control, and the breakup may even have felt wrong at the time. You don’t have to completely forget your ex-partner and the positive impact they’ve had on you.
With time, you may learn to balance a belief that your ex is a great person while maintaining the reality of your current situation, such as entering a new relationship. As long as you set healthy boundaries with those sentiments, both can exist simultaneously.
How often do exes fall back in love?
There is no definitive answer, as relationships vary widely. While some exes rekindle their love and find happiness on the other side of a break, others realize it is best to accept and move forward separately, as getting back together may only repeat the same cycle of hurt, especially if there are lingering resentments between the individuals—the best revenge is living well and becoming the best version of yourself.
Why am I still in love with my ex years later?
An obsession with an ex years later might indicate unresolved emotions or an inability to accept the way the relationship ended. This could be due to idealizing the past, holding onto hope, or not having had proper closure. If you find yourself comparing your ex to your current girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner, it may be a sign that you need to reflect on whether you are truly present in your current relationship or still emotionally tied to the past.
Do all dumpers feel dumper’s remorse?
Not all dumpers feel remorse. While some might regret their decision and miss their former partner, others might feel that ending the relationship was the right decision and don't look back.
How long do feelings of regret affect your mental health?
Feelings of regret can vary in duration based on the individual and the circumstances. For some, it could be a brief moment of reflection, while for others, it might linger longer, especially if they imagine what could have been different. If you are feeling lost or can’t stop thinking about your ex, consider working with a mental health professional to process your emotions and move forward in a healthier way.
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