Five reasons someone might be attracted to "jerks"

There are several reasons someone might be attracted to someone who doesn't treat others healthily. To understand why you or someone you love is in a relationship with or getting to know a "jerk," it can be beneficial to define what "jerk" means to you. In some cases, a relationship with an unkind person might be abusive. Knowing the difference can allow you to stay safe and ensure your well-being. 

What does "jerk" mean in this context? 

The word "jerk" is often used to describe someone who acts unhealthily or disrespects others. It might be challenging to understand why anyone would intentionally be in a relationship with someone who behaves this way, but many people stay in unhappy relationships. An eHarmony survey found that 64% of Americans feel happy in their relationships, which implies that 36% may not be. 

The term "jerk" is broad, so you might hear it in various situations. For one person, "jerk" behavior might involve not washing the dishes and leaving chores for their partner. For another individual, "jerk" behavior might be yelling or making empty threats. Both behaviors can be unhealthy, but the second is a sign of abuse. It could also be valuable to note that an individual might call their partner a "jerk" as a joke. In this scenario, the term may be a consensual and endearing label agreed upon between individuals. 

Why are people attracted to unhealthy behavior? 

Some people may see flaws in their partner but feel their positive behaviors make up for it. Additionally, one's partner may behave differently in public than at home. If you're looking at a relationship from the outside in, you might remind yourself that it can be challenging to know what someone's relationship looks like.  

If you are concerned, it may help to approach your loved one through a lens of curiosity rather than judgment. It could also help to note that your definition of a "jerk" might not match theirs. Below are a few additional reasons someone might be attracted to unhealthy behavioral patterns. 

Casual relationships 

Some people might overlook a person's behavior when looking for casual relationships based on physical attraction. In these cases, they might not be exposed to the person's behavior outside of casual encounters. Even if they know the person is unhealthy or unkind, they might choose to avoid them in a public setting.   

Bodies, hormones, and genetic makeup can be complex. You might have difficulty processing why you feel the way you do about a person or situation. If you're observing this behavior in someone else, note that each person is unique. 

Being attracted to someone due to their looks and not their behavior doesn't necessarily mean someone is "shallow" or wouldn't give someone else a chance. Adults of all genders and sexual orientations can make their own decisions regarding consensual sexual activity and relationships without having to justify their reasoning.

Insecure attachment and "the chase" 

Chasing and being able to "catch" someone that pulls back from others may deliver a confidence boost. People who act unkindly can act aloof or difficult to reach, and some might be living with an avoidant attachment style. This person might prefer the "hard-to-get" strategy because it makes them appear less vulnerable. Even though these types may not give others attention, someone with an anxious attachment style might feel drawn to this behavior, believing they can be the one to obtain true validation and "fix" the other person. 

A desire to "fix" someone else 

Some people believe they can be "the one" to change another person's behavior if it isn't healthy. People with an anxious attachment style or past unhealthy experiences in early childhood might see a person being disrespectful and be curious about whether the individual has a more vulnerable side. 

For this reason, the "bad boy" or "bad girl" tropes that are often showcased in romance novels and popular films might be unhealthy, as they perpetuate that people who are unkind and emotionally distant might change for the "right person." Studies have also found that tropes showcasing dangerous personalities in the main love interest can present a power imbalance that would be unhealthy for real-life relationships. 

Some individuals might stay in unhealthy relationships for the same reason. If they've experienced previous abuse or believe an unkind person is "genuine" deep down, they might continue to try to give them a chance to change. However, staying in an abusive relationship is not a survivor's fault. Many people are exposed at a young age to the message that "people who love you hurt you." Challenging these messages in popular media can be beneficial in reducing their impact. 

Excitement and variety 

In some cases, a person might date an unhealthy individual for excitement and unpredictability. An unreliable, transient partner may deliver unique and unexpected events or ideas. While some individuals may want to come home after work and relax with their significant other, others might look for the opposite. However, note that excitement, healthy risk-taking, and enjoyment can also be found in healthy relationships.

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem can be the cause of someone "settling" for another, regardless of their behavior. If someone believes they "cannot" find a better partner or would be alone if their partner left them, they might stay in a relationship out of fear of being alone or not having another chance at love. They may make excuses for their partner's behavior or lie to themselves about its impact on them. 

Low self-esteem can stem from various areas, including mental illness, attachment difficulties, or messages heard during childhood or in the media. People who might not fit into a standard they see on social media may feel that "love is out of the picture" for them. They could notice themselves continuously getting into relationships with people who disrespect them, as this behavior can become a compulsive self-fulfilling pattern. 

Should you act like a "jerk" to get a partner? 

Changing how you act or who you are may not be healthy to try to find a partner. In looking for a relationship, be authentic as possible and look for those looking for the same qualities you value. Pretending to be a "jerk" out of a belief about what others want can also be unhealthy, as it may take the responsibility off yourself to be a healthy, kind, and well-rounded person who believes in your ability to find a partner. 

If someone isn't interested in you, don't act unkindly to "win them over." Accept someone's boundaries the first time, and take their words at face value. If someone says they aren't interested, they aren't interested. Pushing the matter multiple times can be seen as harassment, and many healthy individuals are not attracted to it. A healthy relationship is founded on explicit and enthusiastic consent. 

Do your best to avoid feeling entitled to another person's attraction or attention. Although some books or "coaches" might claim it, there is no "perfect" formula to change someone's mind. Even if you try to make every move according to a plan, a person might not be attracted to you. If you believe a partner should be treated with love, compassion, and respect, treat each person that way and remain consistent. 

Counseling options 

Although there may be valid or understandable reasons why someone may date someone who acts unkindly, an unhealthy relationship can have various adverse health impacts. If you love someone whose behavior you disagree with, consider reaching out for professional support. In some cases, an unhealthy relationship might be remedied by couples therapy, but you can also try individual counseling to discuss these concerns.

One option many people find effective for receiving support is online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples. Online therapy can be attended from home or in two separate locations for couples. In addition, it might be more comfortable for someone struggling in their relationships or attachment to receive therapy from a familiar environment.   

Studies looking at online therapy have also found benefits. One study concluded that online therapy could effectively reduce loneliness and the psychological impacts of isolation in those who felt withdrawn. Another study found that couples who participated in videoconferencing therapy achieved comparable results to those attending in-person therapy, including reductions in symptoms of anxiety, stress, and depression.