Being in a toxic relationship can be harmful and exhausting, and it can make you feel confused and frustrated. Not all toxic relationships are the same, and not all have the same severity, but they can all be damaging for the people involved. If you are in a relationship that you suspect might be toxic, it may be helpful to consider the differences between healthy vs. toxic relationships.
What Makes A Relationship Toxic?
A toxic relationship is one that is unhealthy for the people involved, and it may have a few glaring hints you may have missed. The relationship may have started as positive and healthy, but somewhere along the line, things shifted, and it became emotionally and/or physically harmful to one or both partners. Healthy relationships might experience occasional hiccups, but they are generally not severe, and conflict isn’t a constant backdrop to the relationship. In a healthy relationship, the partners are able to work through disagreements in a reasonable way, and each partner is willing to do the work to make the relationship stable, safe, and healthy.
By contrast, in a toxic relationship, there might be a high level of conflict and competition, especially when one partner starts fights on purpose. No matter how many little fights there may be, there is always the chance of them spiraling into something worse.
Five Signs That A Relationship Is Toxic
1. Emotional Abuse
If your partner makes you feel bad or guilty all the time, that could be a sign of a toxic relationship. Healthy relationships avoid inflicting emotional damage. Partners should support each other emotionally rather than tearing each other down; they are able to talk to each other without fear of judgment or harassment. You should be able to enjoy your own hobbies and feel supported doing so, even if your partner does not enjoy them quite as much as you do.
Emotional abuse can be made up of many small actions that, over time, make a person feel isolated and degraded. These actions can include hiding seemingly innocuous things. There are seven key things to watch out for, including verbal abuse, bullying, control, emotional manipulation, shaming, lack of communication, and jealousy. Emotional abuse might not leave physical scars or marks, but it can create emotional instability, be extremely damaging, and lead to long-term problems for the person who is being abused.
If you are experiencing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to help you with information and resources. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the NDVH online chat system.
2. Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is not a part of healthy relationships; it is a serious sign of a toxic relationship. Physical abuse is when someone uses their body or an object or weapon to control you or gain power over you. In these situations, your partner might physically restrain you, hit you, kick you, choke you, or otherwise harm your body to get their way and make you feel inferior.
If you are experiencing physical abuse from your partner, resources are available to help you. Agencies such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline (below) can help you put together a safety plan so that you can get away from the person who is hurting you as safely as possible.
If you are experiencing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to help you. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the NDVH online chat system.
3. Lying Or Cheating
Lying or cheating in a relationship can be very hurtful. Neither lying nor cheating is a frequent part of a healthy relationship. In toxic relationships, lying and cheating can often become a cycle without meaningful change. You might know that your partner is lying or cheating, but those behaviors continue despite confronting your partner, or you may be afraid to speak up or leave.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse intended to make the person being gaslit doubt their reality. The aim of gaslighting is for one partner to gain control and power over the other, or to cover up their own wrongdoing by confusing their partner and making them doubt their memories. It may also be sued to limit a partner engaging in their own solo activities.
Some signs that your partner might be gaslighting you include intentionally confusing you, running hot and cold, including too many details, denying things that they said or did, lying, manipulating you, ignoring you, making you question yourself, and criticizing you or those who agree with you. If a person completely ices your viewpoint, this may be a sign of gaslighting.
5. Distrust And Dislike
If you and your partner are often saying mean, hurtful things to each other or often accusing each other of cheating, these can be signs of a toxic relationship. If this happens often, it may feel totally normal even if it is unhealthy. If you can’t remember when or even if you and your significant liked or trusted one another, your relationship might have been toxic from the start, or it might have become toxic over time. Accepting this fact can help you avoid unnecessary pain and live with the truth of your relationship.
How To Leave A Toxic Relationship
Leaving any relationship can be challenging, but often, leaving a toxic relationship comes with additional hurdles—you may be afraid to leave, or you may have a hard time communicating with your partner, for example. If you are in a toxic relationship and you want to leave, below are a few options to consider to help you through the process:
1. Seek Help Through Therapy
Connecting with a counselor or family therapist may help if you are navigating an unhealthy relationship. They may provide you with tools and skills to help you further your healing and deal with difficult emotions more effectively.
A toxic relationship can have deeply negative effects, even leading to relationship trauma in some cases of abuse. To heal from such harm, online therapy may be an effective option to consider, as there is significant evidence showing that online therapy can help individuals dealing with trauma. For instance, one study found that online therapy “proved to be a viable treatment alternative for PTSD with large effect sizes and sustained treatment effects.
2. Check Out Resources In Your Area
Local and national services like the National Domestic Violence Hotline can provide support if you are in a toxic relationship and need help. Reaching out for assistance can be challenging, but there are many resources out there when you are ready.
3. Gather Support
Gathering support, whether from friends and family, a support group, or a counselor, is important when making the decision to leave a toxic relationship, or when recovering from having been in one. If your relationship has left you isolated from other people, reconnecting with people you love may be especially important in helping you to recover from the harm caused by the relationship. This is no minor difference, as family and friends are a big part of recovery for many individuals.
Some of the main characteristics of toxic relationships include emotional bitterness, abuse, physical abuse, lying and cheating, gaslighting, and dislike or distrust. The vast majority of individuals who experience unhealthy relationship patterns could potentially benefit from online therapy.
Continue reading below to find reviews of some of our mental health professionals from people seeking help for navigating toxic relationships and trauma.
Frequently Asked Questions
For examples of questions that might be beneficial to explore in therapy, please see below.
What are the signs of an unhealthy relationship?
What is healthy vs toxic love?
Can a relationship be unhealthy but not toxic?
How do I know if I'm in a toxic relationship?
What are the signs of a healthy relationship?
What are the red flags of a toxic relationship?
What can destroy a relationship?
How do you know it's time to break up?
What are the top reasons relationships fail?
What are green flags in a relationship?
How do you know someone is not good for you?
Can a toxic person love someone?
Why do good people stay in toxic relationships?
- Previous Article
- Next Article