8 Signs He Is Sabotaging The Relationship, & How Therapy Can Help

For a relationship to work, all partners have to put in the effort—and all partners must want it to work. Sabotaging a relationship means engaging in destructive behaviors, either consciously or subconsciously, that can damage the connection between partners. Below is an overview of some common signs of relationship sabotage, plus some possible reasons for these behaviors and how you can get support from a therapist in navigating these challenges.

What does it mean to sabotage a relationship?

What causes someone to self-sabotage a relationship?

There are many different underlying causes that could lead a person to sabotage their own relationship. Some of the most common include the following.

Fear

Your partner might be afraid of commitment or intimacy, potentially leading him to engage in behaviors that make it more difficult for your relationship to reach the next stage. Or, he might be afraid of rejection, heartbreak, or abandonment. He might believe that by not getting too close to you, it won’t hurt as much if the relationship ends. 

Low self-esteem or low self-worth

Your partner might engage in self-sabotaging relationship behaviors because they have low self-esteem, which could make them believe they aren’t good enough for you or that they don’t deserve to be in a happy relationship. They might purposefully sabotage the connection to bring about the abandonment they believe is inevitable. 

Trust difficulties

Difficulty trusting others due to childhood trauma or more recent past experiences could lead to relationship sabotage, as the person may believe that the ones they love will hurt them. Past relationship experiences can shape present behaviors even if the person doesn’t realize it. 

For example, imagine that a person got engaged after years of dating their previous partner, only to have their fiancée break it off shortly before the wedding. If unaddressed, this past emotional trauma could lead the person to sabotage future relationships to prevent them from getting to the same point where they were hurt last time. Difficulty trusting others could cause your partner to be distant or passive-aggressive, which could strain your connection.

An insecure attachment style

If your partner has an insecure attachment style, it may manifest as relationship sabotage. For example, someone with an avoidant attachment style may frequently criticize or withdraw from their partner as a way to avoid future abandonment by bringing about the end of the relationship themselves.

Mental health conditions

Your partner’s self-sabotaging relationship behaviors could also stem from an underlying mental health condition, such as anxiety, depression, or a personality disorder. Certain conditions can change the way a person views themselves and engages with the world around them, which can affect their ability to form healthy relationships. Keep in mind, however, that trying to diagnose your partner with a mental illness can be harmful. Instead, it could be constructive to gently encourage them to meet with a therapist if they’re showing signs of a condition.

Eight signs he is sabotaging the relationship

Relationship-sabotaging behaviors can take many forms. The following are some potential signs he is sabotaging the relationship.

1. Avoidance

Your partner pushing you away could be a sign they are sabotaging the relationship. For example, they might: 

• Not communicate with you, or start communicating with you less often
• Be unwilling to open up about their emotions
• Be unwilling to work together to address conflict

A partner with avoidant tendencies might seem disengaged or disconnected, which can make you worry that something’s wrong. Their unwillingness to talk about it or address relationship issues together can lead to frustration and festering conflict.

2. Lack of trust

Due to a lack of trust in you, your partner might make incorrect assumptions and become controlling over who you talk to or hang out with. It could be projection, with them actually the one betraying your trust as a form of self-sabotage. Or, they could feel triggered by something (like reaching a new level of commitment in your relationship), leading them to accuse you of being untrustworthy as a way of trying to justify ending things.

3. Excessive criticism

Excessive criticism can look like harshly nitpicking or frequently pushing back on your choices, harming both your self-esteem and your relationship. Finding fault with you can be a way for your partner to convince himself that you’re not right for him, so he can have a reason to detach from the relationship.

4. Fighting

Your partner might blow small disagreements out of proportion or create conflict when there is none as a form of self-sabotage. Consistent fighting, being unwilling to work things out, or not allowing you to explain your side of things could all be sabotage tactics.

5. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a type of psychological abuse that tries to make the target “seem or feel ‘crazy’ by creating a ‘surreal’ interpersonal environment.” As part of unconscious or secretly sabotaging behavior, your partner might discredit your experiences or beliefs. He might shift the blame for something he did or caused onto you, potentially leading to distrust and guilt. While this behavior might stem from insecurity, trust issues, fear, or another reason discussed above, abuse is never okay, and you have the right to set boundaries and seek help to protect yourself.

6. Defensiveness

Being overly defensive could look like attempting to argue with you or cut off communication entirely when you ask an honest question. A partner might be defensive to create tension so they can “prove” the relationship wouldn't work out anyway. Or, they might be defensive about other self-sabotaging behaviors they’re engaging in if they feel called out.

7. Infidelity

Being unfaithful—whatever that means to the two of you based on what you’ve agreed—is a common form of relationship sabotage. A person might step out on their partner just when the relationship was going well and advancing due to fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, or fear of future abandonment.

8. Having “one foot out the door”

A partner who sabotages the relationship might show consistent hesitance to advance the relationship. They might avoid taking even relatively small steps forward, like meeting your friends or taking a trip together, as this may trigger his fears of intimacy, commitment, etc. They might also believe that additional commitment could make it more difficult to end the relationship down the road.

Is sabotage a red flag or a solvable behavior?

Occasional defensiveness or fighting may not be a sign of relationship sabotage, but of temporary stressors or other relationship issues. However, consistent signs of relationship sabotage can be a red flag in the sense that the behaviors must be addressed so the relationship can move on in a healthy way. 

If your partner is willing to address the behaviors, it can be possible to overcome them. This process usually requires self-awareness, consistent effort, and, in many cases, the support of a mental health professional.

It’s valid, however, for certain disrespectful behaviors to be a deal-breaker for you—regardless of whether your partner decides they want to change in the future. For example, some people find that they can’t rebuild trust with a partner who has an affair. Whether you stay with your partner while they work through their self-sabotaging tendencies or not is a personal decision.

Can people who sabotage relationships change? 

It can be possible for people with relationship-sabotaging tendencies to change. This process usually begins with self-reflection to focus their awareness on what they’re doing and why. Then, they'll need to spend time doing the gradual work of personal growth to address these behaviors. Working with a therapist is usually key during this process. 

How to respond when you notice sabotaging behaviors in your partner

It can be emotionally difficult to watch your partner sabotage your relationship. The following are some next steps to consider.

Have an honest conversation

In many cases, self-sabotaging behaviors can be unconscious. If you notice your partner engaging in these behaviors, it can be helpful to have a calm and compassionate conversation about them using “I” statements without accusations or threats to end the relationship, which may escalate conflict. 

How they respond can help you decide what to do next. For example, if they refuse to have a conversation about it or shrug off your concerns, it may not be possible to address the issue, leaving you to decide whether you want to continue with the relationship.

Set healthy boundaries to protect yourself

In some cases, you may also need to set boundaries with your partner to protect your own emotional well-being. For example, you might let them know that you can’t tolerate stonewalling, or that you need the two of you to take a few minutes apart to reset whenever they start sabotaging by picking a fight.

Recognize and encourage their progress 

When your partner exhibits healthy relationship behaviors, such as communicating openly or being willing to work out disagreements, you might express your appreciation to them. Changing habits and breaking cycles can be difficult, so recognizing their progress can help your partner keep moving forward. 

Consider your own patterns

Keep in mind that it’s possible for more than one partner in a relationship to be engaging in sabotaging behaviors. For instance, in partnerships where one person has an avoidant attachment style and the other has an anxious attachment style, both could be sabotaging the connection in their own way. Recognizing these behaviors in your partner could also be an opportunity to evaluate your own patterns to see if there’s anywhere you could grow. 

Encourage therapy

Individual therapy and couples therapy can be beneficial resources for both you and your partner as you work to identify and adjust unhealthy patterns and behaviors in your relationship. Gently encouraging them to reach out for this kind of support (and reaching out for this support yourself) may benefit you both.

Identify your limits 

Finally, you might think about what your limits are for tolerating your partner’s sabotaging behaviors. Even if they start working toward changing them, being on the receiving end of these behaviors can negatively affect your mental well-being and self-esteem. Deciding where you draw the line can help you protect yourself.

Moving forward after relationship sabotage

If both partners are willing, it can be possible to rebuild trust and repair the relationship after sabotage. It usually requires consistent effort, patience, and mutual support. However, it can sometimes be healthier to end the relationship if:

• The damage done is too severe
• Your partner isn’t willing to put in the work
• You don’t have the capacity to support their healing journey

If you decide to start dating again someday after ending a relationship where there was sabotage, you might find it hard to trust a new partner to not behave the same way. A therapist can help you address how your past relationship affected you and strengthen the skills that can help you build healthy new connections.

How therapy can help you address relationship challenges

If you struggle with sabotaging behaviors or other relationship challenges, a therapist can help you get to the root of them. They can also help you develop healthier ways of relating to others as you work to manage sabotaging tendencies. You might benefit from working with an individual therapist and/or a couples therapist, along with your partner, to address concerns like these.

Exploring the option of online therapy

If it’s hard to find time to commute to and from in-person therapy sessions, you might consider exploring online therapy instead. With a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples, you can get matched and then meet with a licensed therapist virtually, via phone, video, or live chat. 

Online therapy also tends to be more affordable than traditional in-person therapy and research suggests that online therapy can often be as effective as in-person therapy for treating a variety of mental health and relationship challenges.