Gaslighting: How To Recognize It And What To Do About It

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. Even though the signs can sometimes be subtle, gaslighting can be damaging and even dangerous to those who experience it—especially over the long term. That’s why it may be helpful to be familiar with common gaslighting tactics to take action if you feel that you or a loved one is experiencing them. Let’s look at how to recognize this behavior and how you can respond to it.

What Gaslighting Looks Like

While it’s often referred to in romantic relationships, gaslighting can also occur in platonic, familial, or work relationships. It’s can be a common technique used by abusive partners, people with narcissism, and those who try to control groups of people, such as cult leaders.

Gaslighting may take different forms and often happens in stages. Some of the most common  include:

• Countering: Telling you that you misremember something to exert control and make you doubt yourself
• Trivializing: Making you feel like your thoughts and feelings don't matter or that you’re just being overly sensitive
• Withholding: Keeping money or affection from you
• Stonewalling: Refusing to listen or engage with you in conversation
• Blocking: Changing the subject when you try to clarify a situation or express your feelings
• Diverting: Questioning the validity of your thoughts
• Forgetting: Pretending to forget things that happened
• Denying: Telling you that something you remember never actually happened
• Faking compassion: Telling you that the harmful thing they’re doing is for your own good

Where Gaslighting Behavior Comes From

Abusers often use gaslighting to manipulate and exert control over the person they’re abusing. Employing this tactic can sometimes be a sign that they have mental health challenges. Certain personality disorders, including narcissistic, antisocial, and borderline personality disorders, may make a person prone to using gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of abuse, and it’s never the survivor’s responsibility to try to help an abuser see the error of their ways and get help. That said, the abuser may be unlikely to change their behavior unless they seek help from a mental health professional.

Why Is It Called “Gaslighting”?

The term gaslighting comes from a play that was eventually turned into a film. The 1944 movie Gaslight tells the story of a husband who begins to manipulate his wife’s environment in ways that make her question her judgment and sanity. For instance, he dims the gas lights in their home to cause them to flicker, but then denies that anything unusual is happening when she mentions it. The wife experiences severe emotional distress by the end of the film but eventually finds someone who helps her prove that her experiences were real, and she then leaves her marriage.

The Negative Effects Of Gaslighting

Over time, gaslighting can cause serious harm to a person who experiences it. They may come to doubt their memory, judgment, opinions, or emotions, which can isolate them socially and from loved ones. They may experience a significant drop in self-esteem or even begin to lose their sense of identity.

In the long term, consistent gaslighting can cause a person to experience mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

What To Do If You’re Experiencing Gaslighting

If you’ve noticed signs and symptoms of being gaslighted by a romantic partner, family member, friend, boss, or colleague, know that you are not alone. One of the first steps to recovering may be to understand that this is abuse. It can damage your mental and even physical health, particularly if you spend a lot of time with the person who is doing it. Here are some steps you might take to defend yourself.

Keep Track Of Evidence

Saving voicemails, texts, emails, and notes can help you remind yourself later of what the person really said or what really happened. This strategy can assist you in standing up to gaslighting tactics that make you doubt your memory or interpretation of events.

Lean On Loved Ones

One common tactic of abusers is isolating you from friends and family because they don’t want anyone to point out their bad behavior to you. Although it may be difficult in the face of direct manipulation, maintaining strong ties with people outside of the gaslighting relationship may help keep you in touch with reality and provide you with the support you may need along the way.

End Or Adjust The Relationship

Leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult, but it’s sometimes the only way to end the abuse. When it comes to romantic or platonic relationships involving gaslighting, ending it may be necessary to keep yourself safe. If it’s a familial relationship that you are not willing to fully step away from, setting firm boundaries may be helpful. If it’s a work relationship, speaking with a supervisor or someone in human resources can be a helpful next step.

Seek The Help Of A Therapist Or Counselor

At first, it may be difficult to see how gaslighting can affect you emotionally or impact your relationships. You may even have trouble recognizing that you’re being manipulated or abused initially, since gaslighting can be subtle—especially early on. Also, you may be in a difficult situation with your abuser, which may make it even harder for you to leave or take other steps to defend yourself.

Connecting with a therapist may help you get a more balanced perspective on your situation and gain the confidence to make the best decisions for you.

Meeting with a therapist may be helpful even if you’re no longer in a relationship in which you experienced gaslighting. A mental health professional may be able to help you work through complicated emotions related to the situation, rebuild self-confidence, and manage any symptoms you may be experiencing. You can do this type of therapy either in person or online.

Online therapy tends to be a convenient option that allows you to talk to a therapist from the comfort of home. You don’t have to worry about commuting to an office or being on a waiting list for the next available appointment. When you sign up with BetterHelp, you can be matched with a therapist who has experience helping people recover from gaslighting. If you live with the person who is gaslighting you, communicating with your therapist via online chat or text may be a good option, but you can also talk to your therapist via telephone or video chat.

Research demonstrates that online therapy can be effective for treating a variety of conditions, including post-traumatic stress disorder.

See below for reviews of BetterHelp counselors from individuals in similar situations.

Counselor Reviews

"Sharon Valentino has helped me through so much! Since we started working together, just a few months ago, I already feel like I have more power and control over my life. I have let go of some very painful things, I have moved away from abusive relationships, and gained the skills and tools I need to keep myself safe and happy. She has taught me that I have the power to control my thoughts, my anxiety, and most of all my company. I like how direct she is; it helps me get grounded and connect to myself. I can't wait to see where I am after working with her for a year!!!"

"Dr. Hahn is extremely insightful, helpful, and listens attentively. I would recommend her to anyone who is having relationship issues or going through difficult times."