Starting A Relationship On The Right Foot

If you’ve met someone you’re interested in and want to date for the long term, it may lead to confusing or conflicting thoughts. If you’re unsure about how to start a romantic relationship healthily, there are a few strategies you might consider for turning your initial connection into a deeper bond. 

A relationship often starts with emotional intimacy and vulnerability, which you can develop through honest conversation and common activities that help you learn more about each other and yourselves. As closeness and passion grow, you can start to talk about what type of relationship you want and where you’re going as a couple. 

What makes a partnership?

Before you try to begin a partnership with the person who’s caught your interest, you may want to be clear about what you’re looking for. Define how romances differ from casual dating, occasional hookups, or hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. 

The answer may not be the same for every individual or every couple, but loving relationships often have certain standard features. Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory defines love as a combination of the following factors. 

Intimacy 

People in a loving partnership often experience a deep sense of closeness, emotional vulnerability, and trust, which are components for maintaining a healthy and vibrant love life. They typically care immensely about each other, discussing each other’s joys and sorrows.

Passion

Passion involves sexual attraction, though it can also include intense enthusiasm for each other’s company and positive qualities. It can often be a key part of maintaining sexual health. Some asexual individuals may experience romantic attraction without a sexual component.

Commitment

What separates a romantic relationship from feeling love for someone is often a commitment to stay together unless certain boundaries are violated. Commitment becomes especially meaningful when partners start dating and throughout the course of their journey together as they learn how to resolve any issues that arise. The nature and depth of this agreement may vary between couples. It may also change during the relationship — for example, when two people go from dating to engaged.

Starting a partnership with someone you care about

When someone attracts your romantic interest, forming a new relationship involves building intimacy and passion until you’re both ready to commit. This step often involves the following elements. 

Find opportunities for conversation

Conversation can be a major part of forming a connection. Talking can enable you to:

• Assess compatibility
• Build trust
• Develop emotional closeness
• Notice potential red flags
• Hear about the person’s interests and background
• Demonstrate attractive qualities like intelligence, empathy, and humor

One traditional way to make space for conversation is to ask the other person out on a date, which can be a clear signal of romantic interest and a demonstration that you’re confident enough to overcome the fear of rejection.

Contrarily, if you met the other person in a non-romantic context —if they’re a co-worker, classmate, or good friend — you may prefer to wait until you’re sure there’s an emotional connection before making your feelings known. In this way, you may reduce the risk of creating an uncomfortable situation if your interest isn’t reciprocated.  

If you’re unsure about their feelings, seek other opportunities to get to know them better. For example, you might begin by inviting them along on group outings or to platonic social events like birthday parties with friends. You can also suggest a study session if you're in the same class to spend some alone time together. When you're both present and engaged in the moment together, you can make room for a spontaneous connection to happen. 

Signal your interest in the relationship

At some point, you may need to let the other person know that you’re interested in them romantically to move forward.

Some people prefer to take this step indirectly, using flirtatious behavior or steering conversations toward past relationships. These techniques can be effective for some people, allowing them to communicate openly. Directness can be seen as a signal of confidence that decreases the possibility of a misunderstanding.

When starting a partnership, you don’t necessarily need to make a profound, poetic declaration of love. You might also try saying, “I’ve been enjoying spending time together, and I’ve realized I’m interested in you as more than a friend. I’m hoping you feel the same way.” This directness also allows the other person to open up about their feelings. 

Be open about yourself 

Psychologists have found that mutual self-exposure — discussing thoughts, feelings, experiences, and hopes — can help develop intimacy. Some experiments suggest that trading answers to increasingly deep questions may be enough to get strangers to fall in love.

Despite this research, try not to immediately blurt out all your deepest secrets to the person you’re interested in. Instead, take a gradual approach in which you begin with less intimate details like where you’re from, what kind of activities you enjoy, and where you went to school. 

Look for ways to grow together

Research suggests that some activities are better for helping a partnership grow. Specifically, it may be helpful to partake in activities that enable personal development and self-discovery, such as the following: 

• Learning about the world
• Developing new skills
• Finding new aspects of your personalities 
• Exploring unfamiliar places
• Discovering how to meet new people
• Spending time in nature 
• Going camping 
• Exploring parties or festivals 

If you can plan date activities that foster the goals above, it may help you build the sense that you and your prospective partner are growing together. You might go on trips, take fun classes together, or learn new hobbies as a couple. As a result, you could fall deeper in love through each new experience.

These pursuits may develop intimacy and spark passion. Novel, exciting activities can bring out the chemistry between you and fan the flames of desire.

Define your commitment and boundaries

Once you’ve gotten close enough to the other person to be confident that you want to continue seeing them, setting parameters for the relationship may be helpful.

There may not be a simple formula to tell you how to know when you’ve reached this point. Instead, listen to your instincts and emotions to see if you feel ready. Are you picturing a future with this person? How do you feel about seeing them and do you get lonely when you’re apart? Have you started spending much of your free time with them and no one else? If so, you may be ready to learn how to make some explicit commitments and make sure you’re on the same page. 

Commitment doesn’t necessarily mean you have to jump into a serious relationship. Instead, answer a few key questions, like the following: 

• Will you continue dating?
• Are you going to be exclusive?
• What are your long-term relationship goals? (E.g., do either or both of you prefer a partnership that might lead to marriage?)

Though you may be hesitant to bring up the subject of commitment, being unclear about what you expect from a relationship can lead to dissatisfaction, conflict, and wasted time.  

What to avoid when starting a new relationship

Growing a healthy relationship may be easier if you avoid a few common pitfalls, including but not limited to the following. 

Overthinking

Some people in new relationships find themselves endlessly analyzing every detail. Worrying too much about saying the wrong thing or second-guessing if you’ve found your ideal partner may hold you back from happiness. It may be helpful to accept that there’s a risk that this endeavour might not work out, regardless of commitment level or the intensity of feelings. 

Pushing for intimacy too quickly

You can’t force growth, and trying to speed through the early stages could come across as pushy or a red flag for “love bombing,” which is often a precursor for unhealthy relationship behaviors. Respect a prospective partner’s independence and let your closeness grow organically. In addition, do not continue to pursue someone if they lose interest or tell you they aren’t interested at all. 

Making comparisons with previous partners

It may be easy to see a blooming romance through the lens of a previous relationship, but it can also lead to misunderstandings. Avoid judging your new love interest based on how similar or different they are to a former partner. Instead, look for the unique benefits they bring to the relationship.

Compromising on your boundaries

Stepping out of your comfort zone can be one way to grow in a relationship and clearly understand what you won’t accept or tolerate. Setting firm boundaries surrounding honest communication, independence, touch, and sexual contact can help promote a healthier relationship. Decide where you draw the line, ensuring a mutual understanding and respect that forms the bedrock of trust in your relationship. 

Many people might say that there’s no such thing as a relationship without compromise. While compromise is a part of any relationship, knowing when to hear your partner's concerns and when to stand firm on your boundaries is key. It's one thing to compromise, but another to ensure that beginning a new relationship does not lead to compromising on your core values. If a prospective partner violates one of these boundaries, it could indicate you can’t trust them to treat you with respect and may lead to the inevitable demise of the relationship.

Support options and advice

Certain psychological obstacles may make it difficult to form relationships successfully. Examples can include anxiety disorders, impulse control challenges, or a lack of confidence. Working through these difficulties with a mental health professional may help you find more romantic success. A therapist may be able to provide relationship advice on ways to manage any underlying problems that could affect your ability to have relationships in the long run. 

Therapy may initially seem intimidating, especially for people living with social anxiety or other interpersonal challenges. In this situation, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples could be an alternative. Communicating over the internet may incite a greater sense of distance, control, and comfort, making engaging in the process easier for some people.

Online counseling can be effective as well as convenient. A 2022 paper found that Internet-based cognitive therapy reduced social anxiety symptoms as much as in-person care while taking substantially less time. Working with a therapist online could be a helpful way to build up the interpersonal skills to develop a healthy romantic relationship.