How To Stop Fighting In A Relationship

It can be normal to have an occasional spat with your partner. However, constant fighting can indicate that there may be underlying issues or unhealthy patterns at play. What should you do if you and your partner are constantly fighting about the same problems or saying things you don’t really mean in arguments? To begin to understand how to stop fighting in a relationship, can be helpful to be open about your feelings, use “I” statements, recognize patterns in your relationship, and consider attending couples therapy sessions together.

Causes of relationship arguments

Every relationship tends to be different. As a result, the causes of arguments can vary dramatically from couple to couple. Sometimes, it can seem like there isn’t a cause for the bickering, but the couple seems to fight about everything. 

When a couple is wondering how to stop fighting in a relationship, they’re usually guilty of falling into repetitive patterns and cycles. They may have passionate, incident-specific, anger-filled fights one day, only to make up and act loving toward each other the next day. 

Other couples might find themselves fighting about the same problems repeatedly without a resolution between them. When disagreements happen, it’s not uncommon for one partner to withdraw and shut down, causing the other to respond with fear or anger, potentially leading to an even bigger argument. 

Sometimes, couples may find themselves fighting at the same time over the same thing every day. For example, it can be easy to fall into a pattern of fighting in the morning when both parties are stressed by trying to get to work on time, arguing about who’s taking the kids to school, who gets to drive the car, and other concerns. Fighting can easily become a habit because the couple may face this same situation every day. 

In general, all conflicts ultimately boil down to a breakdown in communication and understanding. One or both partners may struggle to understand or feel empathy for their partner’s perspective, causing them to act in a way that hurts the other person. Underlying issues like stress, anxiety, and depression can also play a role in continual fighting. 

How to know when the fighting in your relationship is unhealthy

Surveys suggest that up to 90% of couples in serious relationships fight at least a few times each year, and 30% admit to fighting at least once a week. How can you tell if your fighting is unhealthy?

There are several signs that your fighting may be a cause for concern: 

• You fight about the same things over and over again.
• Your fights include personal attacks, belittling, or shaming.
• You aren’t coming to any conclusions, but you continue to fight anyway. 
• You or your partner are fighting to win. 
• You’re bringing up issues from the past. 
• There’s not a specific reason for the fight. 
• You often say things you don’t mean. 
• You don’t make up afterward, or there’s no resolution. 
• You feel ashamed of your behavior afterward.
• There’s lots of yelling or violence.
• You feel unsafe.

10 strategies for productive conversations 

With the right tactics, it may be possible to end the constant arguments in your relationship and reach a compromise. Here are some strategies to try. 

1. Give each other time and space 

While it can be important to talk about your issues, when emotions are high and you’re angry at each other, you may to be more likely to say hurtful things to your partner. It’s totally normal to experience these types of emotions. Rather than continuing to argue, try taking a few moments to take a deep breath, gather your thoughts, and reapproach the topic when you’re both feeling calmer and more open to finding common ground. This can be an easy way to avoid hurtful comments that can worsen existing issues and prevent you from acting on the matter at hand from a place of stress or anger. 

2. Try to actively listen 

When you’re in the heat of the moment, it can be hard not to be defensive or try to get your own point across. However, in many cases, arguments arise from couples not feeling like they’re being understood or heard by their partners. One way to turn a heated argument into a productive conversation may be to stop speaking and start listening to get a better understanding of your partner’s point of view. 

3. Don’t worry about winning 

In general, being right should never be the goal of an argument with your partner. Sometimes, you must let go of your desire to win to find a resolution. When couples fight in a healthy relationship, they typically try to remember that it’s the two of them against the problem, not the two of them versus each other. When you reframe your conflicts to be about solving a problem together rather than fighting each other to be right, it can help you avoid hurt feelings and find a resolution faster. 

4. Be open about your feelings

Vulnerability can be challenging, especially if you and your partner constantly fight. However, honesty about your feelings can help you stop the pattern of fighting. Try leading with how you feel instead of blaming your partner. 

For example, if you and your partner always fight about the dishes being done, rather than saying, “Why haven’t you done these dishes? Do I have to do everything around here?,” you might try saying something like, “I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed and tired lately. I know I usually do the dishes, but it would mean a lot to me if you did them until I feel more like myself.” Focusing on your feelings rather than your partner’s actions can help you both better understand the source of the conflict. 

5. Take a moment before you speak

Once you’ve said something, you generally can’t take it back. When things are heated, it can be easy to cross a boundary and cause a lasting wound. Additionally, when you say hurtful things, it can spur a whole new argument. Try pressing the pause button before you speak to make sure you don’t accidentally trigger arguments and cause lasting pain for your partner. Be present and focus on the real problem at hand.

6. Work on your communication skills 

A lack of communication skills can contribute to a range of issues in relationships, especially if you’re already at odds with each other. When you can communicate in a healthy way, you may be more likely to have productive conversations that lead to a resolution. 

7. Try to recognize your patterns

Recognizing the patterns in your arguments can be the first step to getting out of them. Some of the most common cycles couples find themselves in include the following: 

• Reliving the past. If you can’t move beyond and let go of the past (whether it’s past hurts or past versions of yourselves), you may continue to find yourself in a cycle of past-centered arguments. 
• Avoiding conflict. While it may seem easier to avoid confrontations altogether, doing so could result in bigger problems down the road. 
• Fighting to be heard. If you and your partner often get into shouting matches, you could be in a cycle of trying to be heard. While it can be crucial to be understood, if you aren’t doing any listening, you may never move toward resolution. 

8. Consider using “I” statements 

Rather than solely focusing on your partner’s behavior, try to use “I” language in conflicts. This may force you to focus on how you feel and why what’s happening is bothering you. 

For example, try not to say things like those in the list below.

• “You aren’t doing your part with the kids.” 
• “You’re not making enough money.” 
• “You shouldn’t have let your mom talk to me like that.” 
• “You probably wish you were with your ex.”
• “You shouldn’t eat fast food. It’s bad for you.” 

Instead, you might clarify why these things are bothering you with statements like the following:

• “I feel unappreciated and like I’m all alone raising our children.”
• “I feel burnt out and like our relationship is unequal.” 
• “I feel embarrassed and unsupported.” 
• “I’m feeling insecure.” 
• “I’m worried about your health.”

By flipping the issues and rephrasing your complaints, it can be easier to get to the root of problems and help your partner feel less defensive. You may even try instituting a rule that you can both only use “I” language in conflicts. 

9. Mind your tone and attitude 

How you say something is often just as important, if not more important, than what you say. Try to avoid yelling, exasperation, defensiveness, or sarcasm. Instead, try to keep your tone neutral and calm. If you need to pause or break to ensure you don’t speak in a way that might make the issue worse, do it. It can be easy to feel hurt if your partner uses a harsh tone with you, so try your best to speak to each other kindly. 

10. Consider couples therapy  

Frequent arguments can indicate underlying issues in a relationship. If you’ve been together a long time and have been arguing the same way for a while, it could be beneficial to have some professional help identifying your patterns and breaking bad habits to help you understand how to stop fighting in a relationship. A couples therapist can help you and your partner uncover issues, better understand each other, and communicate more effectively. 

If attending in-person sessions with a couples therapist isn’t available due to your conflicting schedules or location, online couples therapy may be an option worth considering. With online couples therapy, you can meet with a qualified therapist at a time and place that works best for both of your schedules. Additionally, when you can look for professionals outside of your geographic area, you may have an easier time finding a counselor who aligns with your and your partner’s values.

From the comfort of your home, an online therapist can help mediate a discussion between you and your significant other in a way that makes both parties feel heard and understood. This way, you can work to resolve small arguments and gain a better grasp of deeper issues that might crop up in your day to day.

Research has shown that online couples counseling is generally as effective as traditional couples therapy for reducing conflict and boosting relationship satisfaction.