How Well Do You Know Your Spouse? Five Fun Ways To Find Out

How well do you know your spouse? You may feel that they are different now than they used to be, or you may notice some changes in yourself. We’re here to say that this can be a common experience —and regardless of how long you've been together, you may continue learning about your significant other throughout the course of your relationship. Seeking to get to know each other on a deeper level as your relationship progresses may also foster emotional safety, benefiting your intimate relationship.

This guide can help you explore new ways to find out how well you know your spouse and things that matter to them, from activities to fun question-and-answer sessions. We’ve also highlighted ways that can help you stay aware of your spouse's ever-changing personality, likes, dislikes, interests, desires, and needs. Besides these suggestions, online therapy may also enhance communication, help navigate challenges, and foster long-term connection.

Find out how well you know your spouse

Learning about your spouse and any changes they’ve made can be one of the easiest ways to determine how well you know them. If you don't know them as well as you'd like, these steps can help you to get to know them better. One idea to get to know each other is to ask questions and listen closely to your spouse’s answers, being fully present in the moment.

Ask (and answer) questions about (and with) them

Asking and answering questions can allow people to connect, share, and know each other more deeply. If you’re not sure where to begin, you may try setting aside time to talk and answer questions with openness and vulnerability with your loved one. In doing so, you might learn new things—or discover you already know quite a lot about your partner. 

According to John Gottman, who specializes in research-based approaches to relationships, the following questions can help couples stay emotionally connected: 

• What are your three most significant needs, and how can I fulfill them?
• Which of your friends and family do you think has the best relationship, and why?
• What’s the best part about being in a relationship together?
• What kinds of things do I do that annoy you? Which behaviors do you think I should change or stop?
• Is there anything you haven't shared with me that keeps you awake at night?
• Is there something you've dreamed of doing but haven't done? What's preventing you from doing it?
• Why do you love me? And when have you felt most loved by me?
• What actions would you consider unforgivable and why?
• How can we improve our sex life (if applicable)?

Gottman generally believes in taking time to explore these questions, listening thoughtfully to your partner's answers, and not rushing through the list toward any resolution. Additionally, he has advised couples to focus on what they mutually share and appreciate, encouraging them to stay focused on these things to strengthen their relationships through regular check-ins.

Fun and lighthearted questions to ask your spouse

In addition to deeper questions, you may also want to ask lighthearted ones. Such questions may not only offer insight into their preferences but also keep it light, offering a glimpse into their sensibilities. Some fun questions you may want to ask might include:

• What’s your favorite movie?
• What’s your favorite TV show?
• What’s your favorite song?
• What’s your favorite band?
• What’s your favorite book?
• Who’s your favorite comedian?
• What’s your favorite joke?
• What’s your favorite color?
• What’s your favorite food?
• What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?
• What was your favorite holiday?
• What’s your favorite season?
• What was your favorite subject in school?

Personality and everyday preferences

Learning about their general preferences can also be enlightening. For example, you might ask:

• Do you prefer coffee or tea?
• Are you more of a dog person or a cat person?
• Why do you prefer cats/dogs?
• What’s your favorite hobby?
• What’s your favorite thing to do in the morning?
• What’s your favorite way to spend time on the weekends?
• What do you think your Zodiac sign reveals about you?

Questions about your spouse’s past

Regardless of how long you’ve known your partner, learning specific things about their past can make their world more vivid to you. It may also offer a way to explore meaningful memories that have helped shape who they are.

Childhood and early memories

While you might want to focus on positive memories, asking about your partner’s early memories may spark both positive and negative emotions. Listening without judgment and offering empathy can be helpful. For instance, you may ask questions, such as “What was that like?” Some questions about childhood and early memories might include:

• What was the name of your elementary school?
• What’s your favorite childhood memory?
• What’s your favorite memory about vacation?
• Who was your best friend as a child? What did you like about them?
• What was your favorite place as a child?
• What are your best and worst memories from childhood?

You may also ask questions about their adolescent years. Some possible questions could include:

• What was your first date like?
• When was your first kiss?
• What’s your most embarrassing memory on a date?
• What’s your favorite memory of being loved as a teenager?
• How did your family handle conflict?

Deep questions that strengthen emotional connection

When exploring even deeper questions, such as fears, values, disappointments, and even daily annoyances, it can be especially important to find a time when you’re both relaxed and free of distractions. As with other questions, listening to the answers and allowing the conversation to naturally unfold, might keep it from sounding like an interview. Some questions that may open up deeper discussions might include:

• What’s your biggest fear?
• What’s your biggest pet peeve?
• What’s your love language?
• How would you describe your worldview?
• How do you process feelings when you’re upset?
• What’s a mistake you made that led to an important lesson or discovery?
• What’s one thing people just don’t “get” about you?
• What gives you a sense of meaning and purpose?

Dreams and future goals

Questions about dreams and future goals can help you learn more about what your spouse envisions for themselves and what they may aspire to. Some possible questions might include:

• What’s your dream job?
• What’s on your bucket list of things to do in the next few years?
• If money weren’t an issue, what would you spend it on?
• What does success mean to you?
• What’s your idea of personal growth in the next few years?
• What traditions from your family do you want our kids to have or discard? 

Questions about your relationship today

Questions about your partner’s emotional needs and preferred communication style may be vital in helping to understand their needs and their perspective on the relationship. Some questions you might ask:

• What’s your favorite way to feel supported?
• How do you prefer to handle disagreements?
• What’s your favorite way to show love?
• What does good communication mean to you?
• What’s your idea of a perfect date night?
• What’s your favorite way to spend time together?
• What’s the best gift I’ve ever given you?

How to use your answers to grow closer

When comparing spouses' answers, noticing gaps may offer an opportunity to use curiosity rather than judgment. By learning more about each other, you may gain more insight into what matters most to your partner, what has influenced them, their boundaries, and how you may compromise on certain matters. 

Other ways to get to know your partner better

One way to gauge how well you know them is to talk to their parents, siblings, or friends (with their permission). You can potentially gain insights and different perspectives by having conversations with people who've known your spouse for most of their life, or in other situations or developmental stages—e.g., at work or in the college years.

Do thoughtful things for them

Doing thoughtful things for your partner can show them how well you know their likes, dislikes, interests, and emotional responses. As you do this, you also might learn new information based on how they respond to your affection and kindness—and you may even learn something about yourself in the process. 

Research also suggests that generosity, small acts of kindness, and demonstrations of respect and affection may be positively linked to overall relationship satisfaction.

These acts of kindness and similar gestures can inspire you to think about and envision what might make your spouse happy—possibly encouraging all members of the relationship to learn more about each other.

Experience new things together

Studies suggest new and diverse experiences can promote increased happiness in individuals, so why not do this together? Spending time with your partner may help you find out how well you know them while providing opportunities to learn new things about each other.

When questions reveal challenges in the relationship

In the process of getting to know your partner better, deeper misunderstandings and conflicts sometimes arise. This does not imply an imminent relationship end or breakup. Relationships can sometimes present challenges. Online therapy can be a supportive tool to help individuals and couples navigate challenges and communicate more effectively. Therapy isn't generally reserved for married couples or those facing challenges, however. It can also provide a safe, neutral space to discuss what's going on in your lives, how you are changing, and how you feel about each other—even in the good times. 

How therapy can support couples and spouses? 

A relationship counselor can help you explore values, expectations, and future goals. They may also help identify patterns you and your partner cannot see, providing a neutral space to discuss almost anything. You can discuss and explore your relationship from the comfort of your own home, which may save you any nervousness or inconvenience that can be associated with having to go to a secondary location. 

Online therapy may also equip both of you with the necessary skills to improve communication. Many couples report positive changes and increased relationship satisfaction from online couples counseling.

Is online therapy effective? 

If you’re considering using therapy as a way to bolster your relationship and know your partner(s) better, it can be helpful to remember that you can choose between online and in-person therapy sessions based on what's most convenient for the two of you. Either option can be just as effective for many. Current research also suggests that online therapy can be as effective as face-to-face therapy, so you can feel confident with whatever option the two of you prefer.