Resentment In Relationships: Causes, Signs, And Strategies

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What is resentment?

Resentment can build in any relationship but can be particularly toxic in romantic partnerships. It often starts as something small and may stem from a lack of understanding. However, if the initial issue isn’t dealt with appropriately, a partner might hold resentment, which can grow into something large and difficult to manage. 

If left unchecked, it can create an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship, causing a heavy burden on the couple’s life or leading to the relationship’s end. Research shows that resentment can negatively affect a person’s emotional state, cognitions, and behaviors. It can also affect a person’s physical health, potentially increasing stress and having an impact on blood pressure, heart pressure, and the immune system. 

What causes it in an otherwise healthy partnership?  

Numerous factors can cause relationship resentment. Generally, it occurs when a person feels like they’ve been mistreated or treated unfairly. They might perceive they are being taken advantage of or aren’t being heard. This build up usually doesn’t usually happen overnight. Instead, it builds up over time when someone in the relationship feels ignored, hurt, or misunderstood. 

Some common causes of resentment include: 

• Shame
• Trauma
• Betrayal
• Jealousy
• Embarrassment
• Unmet needs or expectations
• Feeling neglected
• Violated or disrespected boundaries
• A lack of communication 
• Power imbalances 
• A lack of physical intimacy 
• A lack of emotional intimacy 
• Not feeling supported 
• Feeling taken advantage of 
• Trust issues 
• Unresolved conflicts 
• Control and manipulation

In long-term romantic relationships or marriages, one partner may resent the other for numerous reasons. For example, it’s not uncommon for a partner to harbor resentment when they feel like they’re expected to do more than their partner regarding household chores and financial obligations. Resentment can also build when one person always initiates intimacy or plans all the dates.   

This negative response can become especially problematic when couples lack healthy dialogue, allowing grievances to fester and negative cycles to persist. If not properly addressed, it can lead to deeper harm to the relationship's well-being.

Nine signs to look for

Recognizing resentment in yourself or your partner can be challenging. That’s because it is a layered emotion that isn’t always easy to detect. Some of the common signs of resentment include: 

Avoiding conflict in a relationship

When resentment builds up, individuals may avoid confrontations or discussions about issues that bother them. This avoidance often stems from a fear that addressing these issues might lead to further conflict or hurt feelings. Instead of openly communicating about their feelings, they may choose silence or withdraw from conversations. While it might seem like an attempt to maintain peace, consistently avoiding conflict can indicate underlying discontent and unresolved issues. This behavior prevents the healthy resolution of problems and can lead to a growing emotional distance between partners, as important concerns and feelings remain unexpressed and unaddressed. 

Ruminating 

When someone ruminates, they repeatedly mull over negative emotions and experiences, unable to let go or move past them. This constant dwelling on past issues can prevent the healing and resolution process. This, in turn, often leads to a cycle of negative thoughts and feelings, which can worsen feelings of bitterness toward their partner. This fixation on past problems, rather than focusing on present interactions or future solutions, can be a sign that resentment has taken root and may be impacting the health and dynamics of the relationship. 

Tension 

Feeling constantly tense or on edge around one’s partner can be a sign of resentment. Individuals may experience increased heart rate, discomfort, or a sense of unease, indicating deep-seated unresolved feelings. This state of alertness can stem from the anticipation of conflict or the fear of triggering an unpleasant interaction. Tension may signify the comfort and ease typically associated with a healthy relationship have been compromised. 

Talking badly about one’s partner behind their back 

This behavior often indicates a buildup of negative feelings that the individual feels unable to express directly to their partner. Instead of addressing issues within the relationship, they may talk about their frustrations with friends, family, or colleagues. This externalization of criticism can manifest in derogatory comments, complaints, or the divulging of personal matters disparagingly. While seeking support from others is natural, consistently speaking ill of a partner in their absence can suggest deeper issues of dissatisfaction and resentment. 

Emotional outbursts 

Emotional outbursts can be triggered by seemingly minor incidents but are usually the result of deeper, unresolved issues. In these moments, accumulated negative feelings can surface explosively, revealing the underlying resentment. The individual might direct negative behaviors toward their partner, even if the immediate cause of the outburst is unrelated or minor. This type of emotional response is often disproportionate to the situations at hand, suggesting that they are not just about external factors but are rooted in deeper, pent-up resentment within the relationship. 

Blaming your partner for every issue can be an indication that there’s resentment bubbling under the surface. When this builds, individuals often resort to blaming their partner for various issues, whether related to the relationship or not. Blaming can become a defense mechanism to divert attention and guilt away from oneself. Instead of approaching problems with a sense of divided responsibility and willingness to find solutions, the tendency to blame the partner for everything that goes wrong can indicate unresolved resentment.

Physical or emotional distance 

When resentment takes hold, individuals may withdraw from their partner, emotionally or physically, creating a noticeable gap in their relationship. This can manifest as reduced physical affection, such as less frequent hugs, kisses, or sexual activity. Emotionally, partners may become more distant, engaging less in deep conversations, discussing fewer personal thoughts, or showing less enthusiasm or warmth in their interactions. 

Keeping score involves tallying mistakes, grievances, or sacrifices and using them as leverage in arguments or to justify one's actions. It's a tit-for-tat approach where past issues are repeatedly brought up, often to inflict pain or gain the upper hand in a disagreement. Keeping score can prevent the relationship from moving forward and healing from past conflicts and signifies a lack of forgiveness.

Negative feelings 

Persistent feelings of negativity, such as sadness, disappointment, frustration, hostility, fear, guilt, regret, or bitterness, can also be indicators of resentment in a relationship.  

Overcoming resentment and making your relationship healthier

Overcoming resentment in a relationship may be necessary for restoring harmony and deepening your connection. One of the first steps you can take is to identify the root cause of this emotion. This involves introspection and honest reflection on what specific actions or circumstances led to these feelings.

Once you realize the potential root issues, communication is key to helping fix resentment. You can have a productive dialogue by expressing your concerns and feelings openly and respectfully to your partner. This healthy dialogue can be a two-way street where both partners feel heard and understood. Effective communication through active listening can help clarify misunderstandings and provide a platform to acknowledge your partner's feelings.

Empathy is a pathway to acknowledge and begin the healing process that can also play a major role in resolving resentment. Being able to see matters through your partner’s point of view doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but it can help facilitate a more compassionate approach to forgiveness. Forgiveness can be vital for overcoming resentment, but it can be challenging, especially if the hurt and issues run deep. 

Seeking support

In some cases, overcoming resentment might require external help. Couples therapy can be a valuable resource. A therapist can provide an unbiased viewpoint and guide you through the process of reconciliation. Viewing these issues from a different perspective can often illuminate the matter in a new light, helping to find solutions that were not apparent before. In addition, a therapist can help you develop effective communication strategies, foster empathy, and work toward forgiveness. 

Online therapy

If attending in-person therapy sessions is too difficult due to your conflicting schedules or location, online couples counseling might be worth considering. With online couples therapy, you and your partner can attend sessions at a time and place that works best for you. Online couples therapy also allows you to find someone you both like, even if you have limited options in your area.

Research shows that online couples therapy is as effective as in-person treatment for fixing relationship problems and restoring relationship satisfaction.