Saying "I Hate My Ex" Is Not The Only Way To Find Closure After A Breakup
Breakups are often difficult and emotional experiences. Regardless of whether the breakup was mutual, it can incite a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, or frustration, among others. Some people may experience feelings of hatred toward their ex.
To begin moving forward from these strong emotions, it may be beneficial to look for closure. Learning about the challenges and benefits of finding closure after a breakup may help you take the first step toward your future without this individual.
Reasons to find closure after a breakup
Finding closure after a breakup can have different meanings to different people. For some, it may mean gaining a more profound understanding of the relationship and the breakup, guiding them in understanding what led to the end of the relationship or their current emotional state. This understanding may guide them in processing their emotions, moving on from the relationship, and avoiding lingering anger and resentment.
When you find closure, you may process your emotions healthily and productively. You might acknowledge and validate your feelings, which could help you release negative emotions and move forward. This step might be beneficial if you're struggling with anger toward your ex. By finding closure, you have the potential to release these negative emotions to avoid allowing them to affect your future relationships and emotional well-being.
Challenges of finding closure after a breakup
Below are a few potential challenges you might encounter in attempting to find closure. If you struggle with these, you may benefit from unpacking them with a therapist.
Denial
Some individuals may try to deny that a breakup has occurred and avoid facing their emotions, leading to difficulty moving forward. They may continue to have feelings for their ex or extreme anger, which could lead to thoughts of hatred.
Blame
Some people may want to focus on blaming the other person for the breakup or their actions in the relationship. However, focusing on how the other person contributed to the breakup may take away from understanding why the relationship ended as a whole. It can also remove a sense of personal responsibility to cope with challenging emotions and move forward.
Nostalgia
Remembering positive memories with your ex could make moving on and finding closure difficult. It could also cause you to want to reconnect.
Tips for finding closure after a breakup
Below are a few tips for finding closure after your breakup that may help you move forward healthily instead of with resentment:
Allow yourself to feel your emotions
Reframe your perspective
Cut off contact
Seek support
Practice self-care
Write in a journal
Find new hobbies and activities
Seek closure through communication
Note that each person can heal at their own pace, and it can be normal to take your time. Be kind and patient with yourself as you navigate any challenges that arise.
Moving beyond hatred for your ex
It may be common and sometimes healthy to experience anger after a breakup. However, moving beyond these emotions after a certain point can be beneficial. Holding onto anger and resentment could prevent you from finding closure. Below are further tips for reducing anger and finding this closure.
Practice forgiveness
Forgiving your ex doesn't necessarily mean forgetting what happened or reconciling with them. Instead, it can mean letting go of anger and resentment toward them and understanding that the past cannot be changed. You may choose not to allow them back into your life or think about them further. Forgiveness may be more of a way to give yourself peace instead of giving them the knowledge that you have forgiven them.
Reframe negative thoughts
Try to reframe thoughts about your ex when they arise. For example, instead of thinking, "I hate my ex for what they did," try thinking, "I appreciate the lessons I learned from this relationship." Reframing challenging emotions as opportunities for growth may help you move forward with a refreshed sense of self-reliance.
Write a letter you don't send
Writing a letter to your ex could help you process your emotions and find closure. Studies show that expressive writing has significant mental health benefits. Expressive writing can include journaling and forms of writing like expressive letters or poetry. Don't hold back about how you feel or think in the letter. However, instead of sending it to your ex, put it away to read later, bury it, or safely burn it.
Focus on the present
Try to focus on the present moment and what you could do to improve your life each day after your breakup. When thoughts of your ex arise, find ways to distract yourself until they subside. You don't have to follow through with any urges to message your ex, especially when emotions are high.
Seek professional support
If you're struggling to move beyond your thoughts of hatred toward your ex, consider seeking a therapist. A therapist can guide you as you process your emotions and develop coping strategies to move forward. You are not alone as you move forward, and multiple forms of treatment are available. For example, those unable to have face-to-face therapy can try online treatment through a platform like BetterHelp.
Online therapy platforms may benefit those going through breakups and experiencing symptoms of depression or social withdrawal, which can be a typical response to loss. You can meet with your therapist via phone, video, or live chat sessions and choose times that fit your schedule, even outside standard business hours. In addition, you may be able to have resources like worksheets to cope with your emotions after loss.
Studies back up the effectiveness of online therapy for various challenges. One study found that it could sometimes be more effective than in-person therapy, offering more convenience, affordability, and quality of life to participants.
Takeaway
What should you do if you hate your ex?
It can be natural to feel a range of emotions after a relationship ends, including feelings of intense anger or frustration. You might even resent your ex or feel hatred toward them.
However, holding onto these feelings for a long time can put you in a negative state of mind, create more negative emotions, and potentially make it harder to fully invest in a new relationship. For this reason, it can be helpful to work on getting closure so you can move forward.
Some ways you might do this include:
- Being mindful of strong emotions as they arise and allowing yourself to feel them
- Avoiding contact with your ex and unfollowing them on social media
- Mentally offering your ex forgiveness
- Reflecting on the positive things that came out of the relationship
- Putting your attention on hobbies and social activities
- Being patient with yourself and accepting that moving forward may take time
That said, some people may find it hard to let go of negative feelings about their ex. In these situations, a therapist or counselor may be able to provide more specific advice.
Is my ex over me or just angry?
Different people may react to breakups in different ways, depending on things like the reason for the breakup and the length of the relationship. Some people may move on fairly quickly, while others might stay angry at their ex for some time.
After a breakup, it can be tempting to question whether your ex really wanted the relationship to end. It may be important to avoid assuming that they are “just angry,” or that they will want to get back together later. While this can sometimes happen, it can be important to respect their boundaries, refrain from contacting them if they need space, and trust them to revisit the topic if and when they feel ready.
What causes an ex to hate you?
Although some couples part ways on good terms, this is not always the case. It can be fairly common to feel anger, resentment, or even hatred toward an ex, especially if the breakup was recent. Some common reasons for this may include:
- The breakup was due to infidelity, dishonesty, or abuse.
- There were underlying issues in the relationship that were never addressed.
- The person’s life was significantly affected by the end of the relationship.
- The person holds their ex responsible for negative events that happened during the relationship.
- The person is upset that their ex has moved on.
Mental illnesses like borderline personality disorder may also contribute to feelings of intense anger toward an ex. If you are having trouble managing your emotions after a breakup, or you would just like extra support, it may be helpful to talk to a mental health professional.
Why do I feel so much anger towards my ex?
It is not uncommon to feel negative emotions toward an ex, especially after a recent or unexpected breakup. If the breakup involved cheating or dishonesty, you might direct a great deal of anger or resentment toward your ex for betraying your trust. Even if there wasn’t a single person at fault, it can be natural to want someone to blame, which can make your ex an easy target for negative emotions.
That said, ruminating on negative thoughts and feelings about your ex may just create more anger and make it harder to move forward. It can be helpful to redirect your attention to other things, practice mindfulness, and reflect on what you can learn from the experience rather than dwelling on the negatives.
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