Recognizing Controlling Relationship Signs And Controlling Behavior
At their best, relationships can be sources of love and support that bring out the best in both partners. However, some relationships may not be healthy. Controlling relationships can create power imbalances that damage self-esteem and mental health. Some may even become abusive.
What is a controlling relationship?
In healthy relationships, there is usually an even balance of power. Partners often collaborate on decisions, give each other space when they need it, and work together as a team to keep the relationship happy.
A controlling relationship tends to be the opposite. It usually involves one partner dictating what the other one can say or do.
It can be important to realize that not all influence in a relationship is harmful. Sometimes, couples can influence one another’s thinking or habits without being controlling. The difference lies in how that influence is implemented. For example, in a healthy relationship, partners may use assertive communication to express needs clearly and respectfully, share their needs and boundaries, and open a dialogue about change. In these situations, partners are not expected to give up making their own decisions. They may recognize that, while they do not think the same way, they can work together to overcome challenges with respect.
In a controlling relationship, a person may use their words or actions to control their partner’s behavior. This can range from emotional manipulation to verbal or even physical abuse. Differences in opinion may not be welcome. One partner may continually push to have things their way, while the other may feel that they have to change or cater to the other person to avoid conflict.
This type of treatment can take away the other person’s power. In some cases, it can also make it harder for them to leave the relationship. For this reason, many controlling relationships can be considered toxic or abusive.
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Find your matchCommon controlling relationship signs: Acknowledging controlling behavior
Often, controlling behavior leads to feelings of helplessness and fear. In some cases, it can even contribute to mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). That’s why it can be important to recognize these behaviors as soon as possible so you can determine your next move. Below are some of the common signs of a controlling relationship.
Emotional and psychological control
Emotional or psychological control can be difficult to identify because it doesn’t leave any visible marks. A partner who uses this type of control may withhold affection as punishment, withdrawing warmth and approval to keep you passive and anxious. They may exhibit extreme jealousy that is explained away as passion. These behaviors can contribute to feelings of low self-esteem and self-doubt, which can make them feel powerful and help them remain in control.
Financial control and dependence
A partner exerting financial control may restrict your access to money, but they may also dictate your employment options, which can make you dependent on their financial support. They may monitor your spending, assume complete control of any joint accounts, or withhold your personal belongings as leverage, as they may know you have limited means to replace them.
Social isolation and monitoring
Cutting someone off from others can be a common tactic among controlling partners. Taking away a person’s support network can make it easier to create dependency and keep them in the relationship. You may want to be aware of partners who attempt to limit your contact with multiple people. This can cut off your connections to your support system, which can make it difficult to break free.
Early red flags that often get overlooked
Controlling relationships may not begin with dramatic or even overly noticeable incidents. The control can start quietly and may even seem innocent, but picking up on early red flags can help recognize when something may not be right.
Subtle behaviors at the beginning of a relationship
In the early stage of a relationship, controlling behavior may be difficult to read. A new partner may ask questions about your choices, like, “Is that what you’re wearing?” or “Who are you going out with tonight?” These inquiries can seem innocent, and at first, you might think that they are just trying to get to know you, your tastes, or your routine.
Some of these behaviors may make you wonder if they’re being possessive or protective, demanding or devoted. It can be easy to misinterpret early red flags for affection, but it can help to realize that healthy relationships generally do not require partners to feel the same way or make the same choices.
How past trauma can influence control
Past trauma can influence how someone relates to their partner and copes with intimacy. Some people who have experienced loss, negative relationships, or childhood instability may develop coping mechanisms or personality disorders rooted in trauma. They may become overly sensitive to abandonment and fear losing the relationship, which can cause them to attempt to exert control over their environment and, subsequently, their partner.
It can also be worth remembering that understanding the reasons behind someone’s controlling behavior doesn’t mean excusing or accepting it. A controlling partner may be dealing with past trauma, but that doesn’t mean that it is your responsibility to fix their behavior.
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How controlling relationships affect health and well-being
The impact of controlling relationships can continue long after the relationship ends. In time, the mental and physical effects of navigating this type of control can touch many aspects of one’s life.
Mental and physical health impacts
Experiencing intimate partner violence or emotional abuse can keep your body in a nearly permanent state of alertness. Your fight-or-flight response may be constantly engaged because you’re never really sure what might happen. Chronic stress and anxiety can compound over time, which can have a wide range of impacts.
Some of the mental health impacts of abuse in a relationship may include:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD
- Reduced life satisfaction
- Suicidal ideation
- Persistent sadness
- Sleep disturbances
- General unhappiness
Domestic violence can also cause physical health problems, including increased risks of:
- Obesity
- Heart disease
- Diabetes
- Chronic diseases, including gastrointestinal disorders, respiratory diseases, chronic pain, fibromyalgia, and liver and urinary health problems
It can also cause physical symptoms such as:
- Headaches
- Migraines
- Dizziness
- Blackouts
- Vision and hearing problems
- Memory loss
- Difficulty concentrating
When control becomes abuse
Control and abuse can exist on the same spectrum, and in some cases, it can be difficult to distinguish between them. Isolated incidents of control can progress into abusive patterns meant to intimidate or undermine a partner.
What you can do if you recognize these signs
Now that you’re familiar with some of the common warning signs of a controlling relationship, it may be easier to spot them in your own life. However, just knowing about them may not always be enough to recognize them. The following tips may help you build additional awareness.
Set clear boundaries
Your intuition can be a valuable asset for recognizing controlling behavior. Pay close attention to anything that doesn’t feel right, even if you’re not exactly sure why. If you often feel anxious, isolated, or uneasy in your relationship, it may be worth exploring those perceptions and feelings.
Use these realizations to think about your physical and emotional boundaries from time to time. What are your relationship ground rules? Has your partner violated any clear boundaries? Even if they haven’t, staying in touch with your personal limits can make it easier to notice if someone does. If they have, use assertive communication to reestablish them, and pay attention to how your partner responds.
Seek support and professional help
If you suspect you’re dealing with a controlling person, but you aren’t completely sure, it can be helpful to talk to others. Your support network may be able to give you a more objective perspective on the situation. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend or family member and asking for their opinion. If they notice controlling behavior, this may be worth reflecting on.
Getting professional help in therapy can be another way to get an outside perspective on your relationship. A licensed professional may be able to offer insight into what’s healthy, as well as tips for how to break free from controlling behavior in your relationship.
Benefits of online therapy for your mental health
That said, it can sometimes be hard to find a therapist you connect with well enough to discuss relationship challenges, especially if you live in a remote area. Online therapy may offer a solution. On platforms like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist based on your specific needs, preferences, and location, and easily change therapists at any time.
Effectiveness of online therapy
Research has found that online therapy can be an effective treatment for many of the mental health challenges that can arise from a controlling relationship, like PTSD. In a 2022 study, 196 adults diagnosed with PTSD were given either a face-to-face therapy program or an online therapy program. Researchers found that online therapy was generally as effective as in-person therapy at improving their symptoms.
Takeaway
How do you know if you are controlling in a relationship?
Controlling people often find it challenging to recognize their behavior in a relationship. They typically try to dictate all or part of their partner’s life. They might tell their partner what they can and cannot wear, monitor their phone calls, restrict who they can spend time with, or attempt to limit their partner’s activities. A controlling person might justify their behavior by saying they have trust issues or trauma from past relationships or present other reasons that seem reasonable to them.
Typically, it is not a problem to make requests of a partner and to seek compromise. However, open communication is an essential part of that process. If their partner does not feel they can set boundaries in the conversation or will face consequences if they disagree, it is unlikely that the issue is being addressed appropriately.
What are examples of controlling behavior in a relationship?
The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists the following common examples of controlling behavior in relationships:
- Putting their partner down, calling them names, belittling them, or expressing constant criticism.
- Isolating their partner from family, friends, or others in their support network.
- Limiting how much time their partner can spend with others.
- Monitoring their partner’s activities or demanding to know where they go, who they contact, what interests they have, or how they spend their time.
- Humiliating their partner in front of others or deliberately making them feel uncomfortable.
- Threatening their partner or those close to their partner, either with or without physical violence.
- Limiting their partner’s access to medical care, legal protection, or other essential resources and services.
- Gaslighting behaviors that make their partner question reality or denying, maliciously planting seeds of doubt, or denying their partner’s point of view outright.
What are the early signs of controlling behavior?
Controlling behavior often escalates bit by bit and can be challenging to recognize in the early days of a relationship. Often, a controlling partner begins by questioning your actions and decisions. They might say that it is due to natural curiosity or out of concern for your safety, but over time, their questioning will likely become more direct and specific. Similarly, they might begin by making small “suggestions” for how their partner should change, like telling them to wear their hair differently or return to the house before a specific time.
The person’s partner might feel safe initially and may feel that their partner’s demands come from a place of genuine interest in their well-being. However, over time, the controlling person will likely display more of their insecurities and make increasingly restrictive demands. They might start demanding that their partner not spend time with family, their best friend, or other men or women. They might belittle or insult their partner to make them doubt their capabilities and demand access to their partner’s phone and social media. As the relationship runs its course, controlling behavior becomes more apparent. However, it is often much easier to exit a controlling relationship when the early signs appear rather than waiting for confirmation.
How can you tell if your partner is toxic?
One way to tell if your partner is toxic is by thinking carefully about how they make you feel. If their words and actions make you feel heard, respected, and acknowledged, it is likely they are not toxic. Similarly, if you feel safe and relaxed in their presence, the relationship is likely positive. However, if you find yourself walking on eggshells around your partner, find it challenging to feel heard or make a point, or often feel anxious about your partner, it’s possible that your partner exhibits some toxic behaviors.
Am I controlling or setting boundaries?
The distinction between controlling behavior and setting boundaries is commonly misunderstood. In essence, healthy boundaries describe your limits in what you are willing to do, while controlling behavior limits what your partner can do. For example, saying, “I need 20 minutes alone to calm down before I discuss this,” sets a healthy boundary by expressing your limits and needs. In contrast, saying, “I’m setting a boundary that you can’t disagree with what I say if you want to talk,” limits what your partner can do and does not represent a healthy boundary.
Ultimately, you always have the right to exit the relationship if it doesn’t suit you. You don’t, however, have the ability to make your partner behave precisely the way you want. If you feel like your needs are unmet and boundaries are not respected, it may mean it is time to consider moving on from the relationship.
Can financial control be a sign of a controlling relationship?
Yes, financial control can be a sign of a controlling relationship. If a partner dictates how you spend your money, limits your access to money, makes all of the financial decisions, or controls where and when you can work, it can make you completely reliant on them for financial support.
Is extreme jealousy always a red flag?
Yes, extreme jealousy is almost always a red flag. It can indicate a possessive, unhealthy, and potentially abusive relationship dynamic as well as deep-rooted trust issues. Mild, passing jealousy can happen from time to time, but when jealousy is intense, ongoing, and/or leads to controlling behaviors, it can be considered abusive.
Can someone be controlling because of past trauma?
Yes, past trauma can have a significant impact on how someone behaves in a relationship. Someone who feels insecure or is afraid of abandonment may attempt to control their environment and their partner as a way to create a sense of safety and predictability. It can be crucial to realize that, even if controlling behavior is rooted in someone’s past trauma, that does not mean that their partner should excuse or accept it.
How do controlling relationships affect mental health?
Controlling relationships can have a significant impact on mental health that can last well beyond the relationships. This type of abuse can contribute to mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or PTSD and may cause reduced life satisfaction, suicidal ideation, and general unhappiness.
When should you seek professional help for a controlling relationship?
It can be beneficial to seek professional help for a controlling relationship as soon as you realize you are experiencing this type of behavior. If you are experiencing physical abuse, sexual abuse, threats, a decline in mental health, or if you fear for your safety, seek emergency help right away.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.
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