What Is Negging? How Backhanded Compliments Can Escalate Into Emotional Abuse

Paying attention to warning signs of unhealthy dynamics in relationships can be important. One form of harmful and potentially manipulative behavior that can arise in some relationships is known as “negging.” Here, we'll explore what this behavior entails, how it can affect a person, and tips for speaking up about it to preserve your well-being. 

Get support in healing from past experiences

Receive compassionate care online

Understanding negging: A backhanded compliment deployed for a reason

Negging can be defined as repeated backhanded compliments. In other words, negging usually involves repeated insults, criticism, or signs of disinterest disguised by or bundled with apparently positive or praising words. For example, the experience of someone saying you look nice today but coupling it with judgment about how you looked yesterday could be considered a backhanded compliment. This type of behavior may become negging when it’s done repeatedly and with a particular goal in mind.

What is the goal of negging via a backhanded compliment? 

Someone who gives a backhanded compliment once may not have meant for it to have a negative effect. However, someone who often gives backhanded compliments may be negging, which is typically used for a specific purpose. 

Examples of negging behavior

You might be able to realize you’re being negged by noticing the way it makes you feel—typically hurt or insulted, but perhaps also confused because of phrasing that almost follows the format of a compliment. Negging usually criticizes some element of your appearance, character, or choices, but often in a somewhat indirect or disguised way. 

Negging can take many different forms depending on the relationship between the two people, and some forms are more veiled than others. A few examples include the following:

• “I like your new haircut so much better than the last one you chose!”
• “That’s great that you completed your first 5K! Maybe someday you’ll work up to running a real race.”
• “You sure are smarter than you look.”
• “So sorry you didn’t get the job you wanted; it’s probably because they wouldn’t hire someone like you for a role that important.”

Uncovering the origins of this term and behavior

According to Merriam Webster, the term “negging” originated in the world of “pick-up artistry.” A “pick-up artist”—typically a man—uses often-manipulative tactics in order to approach and flirt with women in public settings like bars. 

In one of the first articles where this term appeared, the intent of this “flirting style” was defined by Neil Strauss, one of the more well-known pick-up artists, as follows: “A neg holds two purposes: to momentarily lower a woman's self-esteem and to suggest an intriguing disinterest.” The goal of this back-and-forth is typically to get a date or a sexual interaction.

Some view negging as “lightly mean repartee” or a “coy debate” that is desirable, even to receive. That said, today, the term “negging” is often used in the context of relationship abuse. A person may use persistent negging as a form of manipulation to lower their partner’s self-esteem and gain control over them. When used in this way, negging is typically considered a type of emotional abuse and is never acceptable behavior. 

A person of any gender may engage in negging or other potentially abusive actions. However, negging is commonly associated with men due to its origins in the pick-up artist world—which is primarily geared toward straight men, making women frequent targets of such behavior.

How negging is perpetuated culturally

Negging is not always recognized as the manipulative behavior that it can be, perhaps because it’s been normalized in Western culture in various ways. First, it's relatively common to see in the modern dating scene, so some individuals may learn it by watching the example of others. 

Second, it's also the way that a character (typically a man) usually begins a romantic or sexual relationship with another character (typically a woman) in romantic comedy films or sitcoms. In such movies, the negging is usually framed as playful, desirable, and acceptable, and it often leads to the negging character getting what they want. Storylines like these may subconsciously encourage this behavior in viewers.

When negging qualifies as emotional abuse

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a partner “insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people” or “telling you that you never do anything right” are two warning signs of emotional abuse. Both of these can take the form of negging.

That said, persistent negging can sometimes be difficult for people to recognize as abuse. In addition to the fact that movies and other elements of culture often normalize it, being negged can be a confusing experience. While the words usually cut, the complimentary style in which they are packaged can lead a person to believe that they're being too sensitive or overreacting when they feel hurt. Plus, when confronted, people who neg as a form of emotional abuse will often echo this sentiment in an attempt to further control the target. “It was just a joke” or “See? You always blow things out of proportion” are examples.

Other signs of emotional abuse besides repeated backhanded compliments

Negging, when used as a form of abuse, typically comes with other abusive behaviors. Isolating you from your friends and family, attempting to make you doubt your own character, abilities, or interests, and trying to control your decisions and whereabouts are a few examples. Even if behaviors like these are not present, negging is not a healthy practice, and it may have the potential to escalate into even more serious or dangerous forms of abuse if left unaddressed.

Feeling insecure and more: The emotional effects of backhanded compliments

Repeated backhanded compliments can cause significant harm over time. They can erode a person's self-esteem and self-worth, since they are insults at their core. They can also affect an individual’s ability to trust their partner and others—at least partially due to the indirect and often confusing way in which these insults are communicated. Negging may even become a form of gaslighting, in which a person is made to doubt their own experiences, memories, or perceptions of reality.

Ongoing emotional abuse can have significant effects on a person's mental health. It can be a form of serious psychological trauma, which may create a lasting impact. Consider a 2019 study suggesting that participants who reported experiencing emotional abuse had “higher scores for depression, anxiety, stress, and neuroticism personality” compared to those who “reported only physical, only sexual, or combined physical and sexual abuse.” To be clear, all forms of abuse are harmful, but research findings like these can help people understand the gravity of verbal abuse—even though it’s “just words.”

How to respond to negging behavior

Respectful communication is key to healthy relationships where both people feel safe. That’s why calmly calling out negging behavior when you notice it is generally recommended, if you believe it is safe to do so. 

You might share your negative feedback by letting the person know that you don't appreciate being spoken to this way, that it's hurtful, and that you deserve more respectful communication in the future. If the behavior continues despite you sharing your feedback, it may be time to consider whether staying in this relationship is safe and healthy for you. Resources are available if you decide to leave and need support. 

Healing from harmful behavior in therapy

Healing from past emotional abuse can be difficult, which is why many people turn to a therapist for support. A therapist can help you process past experiences, rebuild your self-esteem, and address symptoms of any mental health conditions you may be experiencing, like depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). 

Get support in healing from past experiences

Receive compassionate care online

Exploring online therapy 

While therapy can be a powerful form of support, attending in-person sessions is not possible for everyone. Whether you have few providers in your area, can’t fit the commute into your schedule, or would simply feel more comfortable working with a counselor virtually, alternatives are available. 

With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can connect with a therapist remotely from home or anywhere else you have an internet connection. Plus, online therapy is typically more affordable than in-person sessions without insurance. 

Research suggests that virtual mental health therapy can often be as effective as in-person care for treating illnesses like PTSD, which can affect those who have experienced abuse. Therapy can be helpful whether you’re currently in an abusive relationship or have recently left one.