Gottman Therapy: The Method That Helps Couples Communicate Better
Medically Reviewed By Whitney White, MS. CMHC, NCC., LPCWhat Is The Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method for Healthy Relationships is a therapeutic framework that helps couples explore relationship dynamics, manage conflict, increase positive interactions, rid themselves of perpetual problems, and deepen emotional connection. This approach to couples therapy comes from the studies that psychologist John M. Gottman did in his private clinical practice. John Gottman and his wife, psychologist Julie Gottman developed the method by conducting 40 years of research to help figure out what it takes for relationships to last a long time. In researching how relationships could achieve longevity, John and Julie Gottman found that nine components came together to build and sustain healthy relationships. As a result, they founded the Gottman Institute for couples therapy.
They called the combination of these components "The Sound Relationship House." It's a scientific approach that helps people learn how to let go of defensiveness and work together to understand each other better. Relationships are inherently challenging because we're all unique. Your perspective is different from your partner's. Even if you disagree, you can attempt to care about each other's feelings. Empathy goes a long way in a relationship. The Gottman Method teaches couples how to show one another that they're invested in the relationship. It shows people how to communicate effectively and show appreciation for the other person. When couples learn the Gottman Method, they're committing to understanding their partner better and having a relationship that lasts a long time.
The Goals Of The Gottman Method Couples Therapy
When you enter couples' therapy, you want to work on strengthening your relationship with your partner. When you see a therapist who practices the Gottman Method couples therapy, they want your relationship to get stronger as well. The Gottman method has a specific set of goals. The primary goals of the Gottman method are to stop the conflict, increase positive communication (aka no stonewalling), mutual respect, intimacy, and to promote understanding between the two partners in an intimate relationship. Another goal is for each partner to feel a sense of empathy towards one another. When you care about your partner's feelings, and they feel loved, that makes a relationship stronger. Showing empathy toward your partner is essential. When your partner feels like you genuinely care about their feelings, they're likely to reciprocate that care.
The Sound Relationship House Theory
As stated above, the Sound Relationship House Theory proposed by the Gottman Method couples therapy approach is comprised of nine components. Together, the following elements will help you maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship where you and your partner will feel heard, supported, appreciated and loved:
Build Relationship Love Maps
How well do you know your partner internally? It's crucial to understand their history, what makes them happy, what makes them feel stressed or anxious, how they like to receive affection, and their hopes and dreams.
Share Fondness and Admiration
Instead of being contemptuous toward one another, focus on admiring and respecting your partner in a relationship. Show affection and admiration for them. Your partner will feel special and reciprocate that love toward you.
Turn towards Them Instead Of Away
It's okay to ask for what you want and need in a relationship. When you're honest with your partner and tell them what you need, you're likely to get your needs met. Take a moment and think about what you need and ask for it. Connect with your partner. The small moments during your day to day life can build a foundation for a stable future with each other.
The Positive Perspective
When you're positive and attempt to solve problems together, it creates a good environment for a healthy relationship. Looking at things from a positive perspective is helpful for some reasons, and when you need to repair situations, looking at it positively rather than thinking the worst is the most productive route to go.
Manage Conflict
The word "manage" is essential in this sentence because it's not about resolving the conflict, but about handling it positively. There's a difference between handling problems and solving them. Inevitably, problems will arise, and it's about how you manage those issues because although some things can't be resolved, they can be managed.
Make Life Dreams Come True
This principle is about creating an environment where each partner can speak candidly about their dreams for the future. They can talk about what they want in life, their aspirations, and their values with each other openly. Each partner will feel heard, understood, and supported in pursuing what makes them happy.
Create Shared Meaning
Each person has a unique narrative when it comes to how they see their life, and they'll also have a unique way of understanding their relationships. It's important to have respect for each other's perception because you may not view things the same way all the time. You can have a different narrative, but both stories are valid.
Trust
Trust is the foundation of a romantic relationship, and it happens when both individuals have their partners best interest at heart. They aren't just saying that they want the best for their partner; they're showing through action that they have their partner's back. You can demonstrate that you're there for your partner by showing up for them emotionally. People learn to trust each other over time; it's something that two people build together in a relationship.
Commitment
When you commit to a relationship, it means that you know that you and your partner are in it for your entire lives. You're committed to being together. You respect and admire the person's positive attributes, you're grateful for them, and you get gratitude in return. Rather than harping on the negative, you focus on the positive. You deal with problems together so that you maintain an open dialogue and don't become resentful in the future. Through doing these things, you show each other that you're in it for the long haul.
How It Works
The Gottman Method is about observing your relationship in real-time, and the foundation of it is in loving the other person. It's about positivity and love. The Gottman's found through their research that negativity has a profound effect on the mind and they wanted to make sure that couples grew together rather than apart. They saw that when they were favorable towards one another, they felt more intimate. The Gottman method helps to nurture a positive outcome even when there are challenges. Everyone has individual perspectives in a relationship, but it's about coming together, respecting each other's point of view, and making compromises when they're necessary. You're never going to agree on everything because that's not possible. But you can take active steps to try to understand how your partner sees things. When you do that, they'll feel valued, and be more likely to work to see your point of view actively.
What To Expect In Gottman Couples Counseling
When couples engage in the Gottman method, they start with the therapist providing an assessment. It's a joint therapy session where the therapist has each member of the couple complete a survey about their relationship. After that, they receive feedback on the assessment. The couple and the therapist talk about how often they'll meet for therapy and what their goals are. They decide what areas they'd like to work on, whether that's conflict management, intimacy, becoming better friends, or repairing past resentment or hurt feelings towards each other. They also focus on preventing relapse of issues in the relationship.
Who Benefits From The Gottman Method
Deciding to go to couples counseling can be a difficult one. Couples who are committed to bettering their relationship have the best results from counseling. The Gottman Method can help couples who want to reconnect with each other when they're feeling distant. It can support couples who are having difficulty with communication or find themselves in conflict frequently can benefit from the Gottman method. Some issues that can be addressed using the Gottman method are divorce or separation, financial problems, communication issues, frequent arguments, and emotionally distant couples.
How To Find A Gottman Method Couple Therapist
A Gottman method couples' therapist will have a Master's degree or a Doctorate level degree and be licensed to practice as a therapist, just like any other therapist must maintain licensing. They must also have training in the Gottman method. Some mental health professionals may know of the Gottman method, but there are specific training levels that a Gottman relationship therapist needs to have. They Gottman trained therapists must understand the principle of the Healthy Relationship House, and they will have completed specialized training where they learn how to provide the relationship assessments used in this method, and they must have completed a certification program in the Gottman method so that they understand every aspect of how to practice it effectively.
Couples Counseling
If you and your partner decide to go to couples counseling, that's a brave step. Be proud that you're actively taking steps to remedy the problems in your relationship. Don't be shy, if you want to help your relationship take that first step and start looking for a counselor; your relationship matters. You and your partner deserve to have a healthy connection where you value one another. Couples counseling is an excellent place to work on the problems in your relationship, learn to disarm conflicting verbal communicationte effectively, and start appreciating each other on a deep level. Whether you work with an online therapist like one here at BetterHelp or with one in your local area, you deserve to be well and to maintain a long, healthy relationship with your partner.
Below are some commonly asked questions on this topic:
What is the Gottman test?
Created by John and Julie Gottman, the Gottman test, sometimes known as The Gottman Relationship Checkup is an assessment tool offered at the Gottman Institute’s website that evaluates a relationship’s strengths and challenges. The quiz includes questions about how well you know your partner, looks into your perceived emotional connection and negative conflict patterns, and evaluates intimacy, respect, and affection. The checkup then provides advise and refers you to a Gottman therapist if you are interested in pursuing couples therapy.
What is the Gottman Method?
Developed by John Gottman and his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman, the Gottman method aims to increase intimacy and decrease relationship issues through therapy sessions where Gottman trained therapists administer research-backed therapeutic interventions, couples complete questionnaires, and follow a personalized treatment plan based on the discoveries.
Following four decades of research, the founders of the Gottman Institute realized that while marital conflicts are present in nearly every married couple regardless of their sexual orientation or ethnic background, the way each couple navigates their issues is ultimately what determines which couples stay together and which do not. According to the Gottman method, couples who successfully overcame marital conflicts had at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction. Conversely, those who ended up divorcing displayed a high level of behaviors that the Gottman Institute refers to as the Four Horsemen:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling (withdrawing from interactions, a common trait of emotionally distanced couples)
Is Gottman evidence based?
Yes, Gottman Method Couples Therapy is evidence-based and backed by over 40 years of clinical research. Marriage counseling with the Gottman method can help couples to:
- Increase fondness and admiration
- Manage conflicting verbal communication
- Find shared meaning
- Improve poor communication
- Foster a heightened sense of empathy
- Look for sources of frequent conflict
- Improve friendship
- Replace negative conflict patterns with more constructive, positive interactions
How many sessions is Gottman therapy?
Gottman Method Couples Therapy starts with and initial assessment process that can take anywhere between one and three sessions. The research based interventions that the therapist decides to administer will depend upon the couple’s specific goals, strengths, and shortcomings. On average, Gottman trained therapists aim for a treatment that’s no longer than 12 sessions.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What is the best therapy for couples?
There are many types of therapy couples can engage in, but in the psychological world, Gottman method couples therapy created by psychologists at the Gottman Institute has been proven to be one of the most effective.
Does the Gottman method work?
Yes, Gottman method couples therapy has proven to be effective so long as both partners are committed to bettering the relationship. John and Julie Gottman, the founders of the Gottman method, accumulated over 40 years of experience working with couples to develop this method. The Gottman method is designed to incorporate research based interventions and detailed assessments to help couples improve their communication and relationships. Both partners need to be willing to change and improve themselves for therapy to be effective.
What is Gottman therapist?
A Gottman therapist is a couples therapist who has received specific training in Gottman method by the Gottman Institute. Gottman therapists usually have either a master’s or doctorate in social work, with additional specialized training and a certification in this style of emotion coaching. A trained therapist in Gottman method can help couples increase intimacy in sex relationships, manage conflict, and resolve relationship issues.
Does better help offer couples counseling?
Yes, BetterHelp offers counseling for couples for anyone in a relationship and married couples who are having issues, including same sex couples. BetterHelp can help people with issues and struggles in love online through virtual therapy sessions.
What are the three C's in a healthy relationship?
The three C’s make up the components of healthy relationships. These include communication, compromise, and commitment. The Gottman approach to couples therapy emphasizes communication as integral to relationship building.
What is the Gottman repair checklist?
The Gottman repair checklist is a resource of phrases or words people can turn to when having conflict in their relationships. It is a way for couples who have poor communication to find ways to express how they are really feeling and a way for their partner to understand. The repair checklist is a list of rules and tool for emotion coaching that can be useful in repairing poor communication to increase trust and safety in the relationship. These building techniques instill empathy and understanding.
What is the biggest predictor of divorce?
According to Gottman method couples therapy, the biggest predictor of divorce is the negative communication patterns that do not change over time. Gottman referred to these as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which include: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Contempt being the most destructive leads many couples to divorce. Additionally, all forms of domestic violence, including emotional, sexual, or and physical domestic violence is a predictor that a relationship has to end.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone, of any age, gender, and relationship status. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Can couples therapy make things worse?
Couples therapy is helpful especially when working with trained therapists in Gottman or other similar methods. If you are a same sex couple, it’s important to seek a therapist specializing in treating same sex relationships. According to some sources, over 70% of couples who engage in couples therapy feel their relationship improved. However, there are some couples who have such deeply rooted resentment or anger with their partner, and in these cases, therapy can make things worse. Typically, there is an abusive dynamic at play, and an unwillingness from at least one partner to fully engage in therapy or committed to bettering the relationship.
What does Gottman say about communication in marriage?
Communication is necessary to manage conflict in marriage and couples, but most marital conflicts fall into the poor communication trap. Silence is the most destructive thing, and conversely, communication is needed to build appreciation and respect. According to John and Julie Gottman, silence is an indicator that both people have stopped communicating and thus have stopped problem solving or caring. Also, using Gottman method couples therapy addresses “The Four Horsemen” which are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are defined as the most destructive communication in a marriage. Many married couples benefit from Gottman method therapy.
What is stonewalling in marriage?
One of the principles of the Gottman theory on communication is stonewalling– when one partner shuts down and refuses to engage in any communication. This person becomes totally unresponsive and avoids conflict by engaging in behaviors such as: tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors.
What is the Gottman Relationship checkup?
Created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the relationship checkup scores the relationships. The couple receives feedback on their relationship based on 480 questions on various things in their life, including friendships, home life, work life, emotions, trust, parenting, and more. It is one of the therapeutic interventions of the method and involves a research based in depth questionnaire used to assess the current relationship. Couples complete questionnaires usually with the help of a trained therapist.
What is a love map Gottman?
Often in Gottman method couples therapy, a partner can use something called a “Love Map” developed by the Gottman Institute to get to know their partner better. A love map can be used to help guide your partner into your world: your past, your future, your hopes and dreams. It is a sketch that allows room for someone you love to be part of understanding your world and create a stronger emotional connection. Building techniques such as this can create long lasting, meaningful relationships and cultivate fondness and admiration in sex relationships.
Will marriage counselors ever suggest divorce?
A marriage counselor ethically should not ever suggest divorce. Therapists will typically never push a particular decision for a couple to split, and if they do, it is seen as problematic. Couples who are in therapy are trying to fix their relationship, which means there is at least some hope. A good marriage counselor will provide emotional coaching, but will refrain from giving any absolute advice about whether or not the relationship should continue. They should instead try to help the couple improve their communication and intimacy.
What is the success rate of couples therapy?
According to the American Psychological Association and research based trials, couples therapy is around 75% effective. This is specially due to different styles of emotion coaching, which includes Gottman method couples therapy.
What are bad signs in a relationship?
There are many possible bad signs in a relationship. Most of these relate to toxic behaviors or abuse in the relationship. Relationship issues can take many forms, but when partners tend to put each other down this is an unhealthy form of communication. Gaslighting, or manipulation techniques, are sometimes hard to notice for someone who is experiencing the abuse.
In general, if you and your partner are unable to resolve conflict or turn to each other for emotional needs, you might consider talking to trained therapists. Other signs include a lack of respect, passive aggressive behavior, and feelings of distrust or intimacy issues.
