My Therapist Is Mad At Me: How To Handle Therapeutic Conflict

In a therapy session, you may discuss extensive details about your life experiences and most personal feelings. Being that vulnerable about yourself to someone may naturally lead you to wonder what your therapist may be thinking. You might experience situations where you are worried your therapist may be judging you for your actions or even that you have made your therapist angry at you. It can be difficult to continue to open up to a person you suspect might be raging inside from across the therapy couch. 

Reasons your therapist may be mad at you

Perhaps the first step in addressing any tension you may be experiencing in your therapy sessions is understanding where that tension might be coming from. Several situations could result in a strained relationship between you and your therapist.

You may be misinterpreting your therapist’s feelings

Professional therapists receive years of training in navigating emotional and intense situations with their clients. They are still human beings, of course, and they can get angry and upset just like the rest of us. However, most therapists can prevent their personal feelings from interfering with a client’s session or the therapeutic relationship. 

If you believe your therapist is mad at you, it’s possible you could be misinterpreting the situation. However, that does not mean you are “wrong” or that your feelings aren’t valid. In many cases, examining those feelings' source may lead to greater insight and progress in therapy. 

For example, let’s say you discussed a story about your life in a therapy session, and your therapist responds with silence. You may think, “Oh no, they’re disappointed in me. They’re offended by some aspect of my story. I’ve upset them in some way.” In reality, your therapist may be silent because, in their experience, that has been the best method to encourage their clients to continue talking and open up about themselves more. But you are interpreting their silence as anger, which may present an opportunity for reflection. 

If you impart your feelings with your therapist by saying something like, “I’m feeling uncomfortable with your silence right now because I think you’re angry with me,” the two of you can talk about those feelings and work through them together. You may remember that whenever you and your former partner argued, they would punish you by giving you the silent treatment. 

This realization can be helpful for you, as it may lead you to recognize other areas in your life where this reaction could be a concern. It can also benefit your therapist, who can use the information to refine the therapeutic techniques they use in sessions with you to provide you with the best support. 

You may have crossed your therapist’s boundaries

A licensed therapist has an up-to-date code of ethics they need to adhere to in order to hold onto their professional certification.

For example, your therapist may allow you to communicate with them between sessions, but only via their work phone. If you reach out to your therapist via their personal cell phone, email, or some other means, you have crossed one of your therapist’s boundaries.

Most therapist boundaries are in place for a reason. In the above example, your therapist may want you to communicate via their work phone so they talk to clients only while they are at their office, preventing their work from interfering with their home life. 

If you do cross your therapist’s boundaries, however, most therapists should be able to have a calm conversation with you about expectations moving forward. 

Your therapist may be experiencing countertransference

You may be familiar with the term “transference,” which refers to a situation in which a client unconsciously transfers feelings related to another relationship or situation in their lives onto their therapist. For example, a client who experienced challenges with a controlling former partner may dismiss their therapist’s advice.

Transference can also flow in the opposite direction, from the therapist to the client. This process is known as “countertransference,” and occurs when a therapist’s own feelings and reactions negatively impact their ability to provide an objective perspective of their client’s situation. If you are experiencing any of the below situations in your relationship with your therapist, it’s a good sign that countertransference may be occurring: 

• Your therapist is short with you or otherwise acts irritable
• Your therapist talks for the majority of the session, as opposed to listening to you
• You have the feeling your therapist might be going through a difficult time in their lives and taking their stress out on you
• Your therapist tells details of their life (note: some therapists may do this strategically and sparingly to help build trust and encourage their clients to open up, but if what they’re talking about is unrelated to anything to do with you, it could be a red flag)
• Your therapist expresses judgment
• Your therapist appears to be emotionally and personally invested in your life
• Your therapist projects their experiences onto yours
• Your therapist pushes back one of your beliefs or values because it doesn’t align with their belief or value system
• Your therapist pushes you to tell something you are not comfortable talking about or that you don’t feel ready for
• Your therapist seems to be trying to “save” you
• Your therapist wants to have a relationship with you outside of the therapist/client dynamic (friendship, romantic relationship, etc.)

In some cases, such as the last example listed above, the countertransference may be so severe that it might be in your best interest to find a new therapist. However, in some countertransference situations, your therapist may simply be having a bad day. You and your therapist may be able to work together to move past the countertransference and continue your therapeutic relationship. 

How to address conflict with your therapist

In any of the above situations, it can be important to talk about your feelings with your therapist so that the two of you can find a way to move forward. 

If you have misinterpreted your therapist’s anger, together you can determine what may have contributed to your reaction and possibly gain further insight that can aid the therapeutic process. Similarly, if you have crossed your therapist’s boundaries, you can discuss what happened and ways to ensure it doesn’t happen again. 

Moreover, if your therapist is experiencing countertransference, you can recognize the situation and take steps to address it. You may reschedule the session for another day, for instance, or return to the waiting room for ten minutes or so to give your therapist time to gather themselves before continuing. 

If you suspect your therapist may be upset with you, it might seem daunting to raise the issue with them. But honesty and openness are often crucial for a successful therapeutic relationship. Professional therapists will likely welcome any feedback you give them and work with you to address any concerns you have. 

Exploring your therapy options

Therapy can be an emotional experience for both the client and the therapist. If your thoughts and perceptions about your therapist’s potential reactions have been impacting your ability to open up, you may want to consider online therapy. Conducting therapy via a phone or computer screen can put some distance between you and your therapist and hopefully alleviate any pressure you may feel. 

Research has demonstrated that online therapy may be just as effective as traditional in-person therapy. One study determined that a course of online cognitive behavioral therapy helped to significantly reduce the symptoms of many mental health conditions. If you are hoping for a therapy format that allows you to feel fully comfortable with being vulnerable, online therapy may be a beneficial option for you.