Can Couples Therapy After Infidelity Save A Marriage?

Infidelity may be devastating for couples, potentially leading to feelings of betrayal, anger, and sadness—and it’s not an uncommon event. One survey from 2022 reports that about a third of US adults say they’ve cheated on a partner before. While infidelity can be damaging, couples therapy may help partners repair and rebuild trust over time. It may allow them to understand the impacts of the experience, identify any contributing factors in their relationship, and work toward healing.

How infidelity can cause a relationship crisis

What qualifies as an infidelity may vary depending on the partners and their relationship agreements. An infidelity could be emotional and/or physical, and it may happen in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship. Regardless of the form it may take, it has the potential to cause a crisis for the relationship.

An infidelity usually represents a betrayal of trust, which may cause intense emotions like anger, sadness, grief, guilt, and fear. Low self-esteem, blame of self or other, and a lack of hope for the relationship’s future may be common as well. These complex, strong feelings can rock the foundation of the relationship, often introducing doubt and uncertainty about the future. It may lead a person to consider ending even the most committed of relationships, possibly believing that the fracture can’t ever be repaired. That’s why many people who seek couples therapy to address an infidelity are in deep distress and unsure of how to proceed.

Why do people cheat? Common patterns and contributing factors

An infidelity can be a complex event, stemming from the intersection of many different factors. Understanding some common patterns that may contribute to one partner deciding to cheat may help explain why people cheat.

Lack of communication

When couples cannot communicate effectively, they may not be able to understand their partner's needs. Over time, this persistent disconnect could lead to dissatisfaction and unresolved issues within the relationship. As a result, one partner may turn to someone else to feel heard and understood.

Lack of sexual intimacy

Another common contributing factor to infidelity is a lack of sexual intimacy in the relationship. When one partner feels sexually unfulfilled, they may turn to someone else to satisfy their desires. Communication issues may make it difficult or impossible to bring up this topic or have a productive conversation about it, which could exacerbate the issue.

Emotional neglect

Lack of emotional intimacy may be another contributor to infidelity in relationships. When one partner feels neglected or ignored, they may begin to seek emotional intimacy elsewhere. In some cases, this can lead to emotional affairs, which may or may not become physical.

Stress 

It can be possible for high levels of stress in one or both partners to influence whether infidelity occurs. When individuals are stressed, they may seek out external outlets for comfort and validation, which might include seeking intimacy outside of the relationship. This situation tends to be even more likely in relationships where emotional intimacy is already low and communication is strained.

Stress can also lead to a decrease in emotional and physical intimacy between partners, which can cause one or both individuals to feel neglected or unfulfilled. This situation can create a vulnerability that may make the couple more susceptible to cheating one partner engaging in cheating or other types of conflict developing. Learning healthy stress-management strategies in individual therapy may help partners reduce their risk of unmanaged stress leading to unhealthy behaviors.

What couples therapy after infidelity is designed to do

Couples therapy, or marriage therapy, may give individuals who have experienced infidelity the opportunity to have open and honest discussions about their relationship with the guidance of a professional counselor. Marriage therapy sessions may help couples:

• Process and manage their feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, or guilt
• Identify any underlying issues in the relationship to understand why the affair happened
• Move from blame to deeper understanding and accountability
• Find the optimal path forward for all parties, whether that means staying together or breaking up
• Rebuild safety, trust, emotional intimacy, and communication over time, if both partners want to continue in the relationship 

Identifying underlying challenges 

A key part of couples therapy usually involves the therapist helping the partners identify any underlying issues that might have contributed to the infidelity or to their relationship problems more broadly, such as problems with communication, past resentment, or even a compulsive sexual behavior disorder. Also, if the therapist notices signs of mental health challenges in either partner that may be affecting the relationship—such as attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a personality disorder, anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder—they might recommend individual counseling to help that partner get support for these concerns.

Improving emotional expression and intimacy

Couples might find it difficult to express their emotions in the aftermath of an affair, as they may feel overwhelming and hard to manage. It can also be possible that trouble communicating feelings openly may have been one of the factors at play in the buildup to the affair. Couples therapy may provide a safe space for partners to speak honestly and constructively and learn healthy ways to express their emotions.

Strengthening communication skills 

Communication may be strained after an affair. A counselor may help each partner understand the other's perspectives and communicate in a respectful and productive way. This communication might then be used to reestablish trust and potentially rebuild the relationship.

What to expect in couples counseling sessions

Attending counseling to discuss an affair may nerve-wracking. Understanding what to expect might help.

What happens in the first sessions: stabilizing the relationship 

In the first couples therapy session, the therapist will usually focus on getting to know the partners and understanding why they’re seeking therapy. The therapist will often do an initial assessment of the relationship’s health and the well-being of the individuals and work with them to set treatment goals. In the next few sessions, they may work on a short-term plan to stabilize the relationship after the conflict. 

What happens in the later sessions: rebuilding intimacy after infidelity

Over time, the therapist and the partners may work on digging deeper into underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair. The clinician may guide them in creating a shared narrative of what happened as a way to address the affair without getting stuck on blaming or punishing. 

Then, if the partners decide to continue on in the relationship, they will often start with the repair work. This may involve rebuilding their emotional connection and a sense of safety even before rekindling their physical closeness. It might also involve cultivating stronger self-esteem in all partners.

Next, the therapist may guide the partners in developing healthier ways of relating to each other. This might include learning to communicate more openly, set firm boundaries (with the affair partner and with others in general), and find constructive ways to manage conflict and strong emotions.

Can couples therapy still be helpful if there were multiple affairs?

Couples therapy may be a helpful tool after an affair, whether there was a single infidelity or whether it’s been an ongoing pattern. In cases where there were multiple affairs, a key focus of the therapist may be uncovering the underlying reasons so they can be meaningfully addressed. In such cases, the couples therapist may also recommend individual therapy so the partner who had the affairs can get undivided support in uncovering the contributing factors of these behaviors and taking accountability.

Is couples therapy after infidelity effective?

That said, for a relationship to survive infidelity, it is often important for partners to participate fully in the counseling process, realize and take responsibility for their respective roles in the infidelity, and be open to exploring the underlying issues that may have contributed to the betrayal. It can help to remember that couples therapy is typically a journey rather than a quick fix.

Other forms of support that may be helpful in recovering from an affair

In addition to couples therapy, other types of professional care may help couples process and recover from an infidelity. For example:

• Individual therapy may give each partner a devoted space to investigate and understand their role in the relationship and build self-esteem, self-awareness, and healthy coping mechanisms
• Family therapy is when a family therapist helps multiple members—such as the parents and their teen children, for example—work on recovering from a betrayal or other event that destabilized their relationships  

How online couples therapy can support healing

Online couples therapy can be worth exploring for partners who have few therapists in their area or who don’t have time to commute to and from in-person sessions. With online couples therapy through a platform like Regain, you and your partner can get matched and then meet with a licensed therapist remotely—even if you’re all three in different geographic locations. (Or, if you’re looking for individual online therapy, consider BetterHelp.)

Many people also feel more comfortable opening up about personal topics with a therapist virtually, from the comfort of home, which may help improve therapy outcomes. Plus, online therapy tends to be more affordable than traditional in-office care.

Keep in mind, however, that online therapy isn’t intended to be a crisis resource. If you’re experiencing a crisis, contact a resource like the following:

• 988 Lifeline
• Crisis Text Line
• National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Your local emergency number

In general, online therapy can often be as effective as in-person therapy. For example, one study examined the effectiveness of online couples therapy delivered via video. Its findings suggest that the sessions improved both relationship satisfaction and mental health by helping couples work toward healing together. 

How to prepare for online couples counseling sessions

In most cases, no preparation is needed before attending your first couples counseling session. However, some people find it helpful to do some reflection or journaling beforehand to organize their thoughts and feelings and jot down things they want to tell or ask their therapist. Once you arrive at the session, the therapist will typically use their training and expertise to guide the session.