Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling

Most couples argue occasionally, but if you and your partner feel like you need support, couples therapy can help. Many people seek therapy when communication breaks down or the conflicts become overwhelming. Therapy can help partners reconnect and learn the proper problem solving skills to cope with challenging situations. Couples therapy exercises may help you learn effective communication methods to enhance your relationship and increase happiness. 

Many couples argue, but couples therapy may help you and your partner assess these patterns and learn the right strategies to strengthen your relationship. A mental health professional will not tell you what decisions to make; instead, a professional may help you get in touch with your own feelings so that you can make decisions that are right for you. Continue reading if you've ever wondered, "How does couples therapy work?"

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Managing relationship tension with counseling

Partners’ arguments may involve a variety of concerns, including: 

• Money
• Fair distribution of housework or other chores
• Physical intimacy
• Extended family obligations and issues
• Children or parenting challenges that therapy can help navigate effectively
• Careers
• Sleeping habits, such as snoring or staying awake late at night 
• Past relationships that were not helped by couples therapy
• Substance abuse, a common concern addressed through therapy
• Unhealthy behavioral patterns 
• Increased stress
• Sexual difficulties
• Health issues
• Conflict with a partner's family

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

How does couples therapy work?

Does couples counseling work?

Couples therapy

Instead of focusing on fighting less, partners in therapy might focus on better communication when disagreements arise. In couples therapy, a therapist will assess your situation in initial sessions, and then you learn focused therapy techniques to actively listen by hearing what your partner has to say and giving them space to speak their mind. While in the heat of the moment, it can feel challenging to act objectively. However, learning to discuss these thoughts and feelings healthily from week to week may be an invaluable foundation for a healthier relationship. This can help build trust and intimacy. In marriage or relationship counseling, it can help to have the following points in mind. 

Be aware of any problem behaviors during the course of couples therapy

Awareness of problem behaviors can include identifying recurring patterns in your arguments. Relationship therapy can help both partners recognize unhealthy relationship patterns and work together as a couple to break them. You may want to look at both sides of the argument. Have you been stressed out about monthly bills or health issues? Do you have disagreements on how to parent your children? Are you feeling overwhelmed with other family obligations? Whatever is going on, you can bring your concerns to therapy. The therapy room provides a safe space for both partners to express their concerns without judgment and create strategies for change. You might identify areas where you and your partner could both improve. For example, issues like infidelity can be explored and resolved in a safe, nonjudgmental environment. Also, it may help to try not to express only your partner’s wrongdoings during the therapy session. When working with a therapist, you will often discuss both sides of the conflict. Your counselor may feel better equipped to offer support if they understand what is happening for each of you.

Stick to present concerns in therapy sessions

When a disagreement arises, consider the current situation and its underlying cause instead of bringing in irrelevant information, other people’s relationships or past hurts. If you wish to discuss past hurts, consider doing so in a separate therapy session. Open discussions about current and past issues are a key part of effective relationship therapy. It may help to take each problem one at a time so that you and your partner can fully focus on the concerns completely. 

Find areas of healthy agreement

While agreeing to avoid an argument may not solve concerns, identifying an area where you agree amid an argument may be constructive for partners. This can boost your problem solving skills as a couple. For example, perhaps a couple disagrees on whether to let their daughter have a cell phone. Instead of arguing or “agreeing to disagree,” one partner could say, “I know we both value our daughter’s safety and well-being. Let’s create a pros and cons list of each option so we can figure out the best solution.” No issue is too small to bring up in therapy—what may seem minor can actually matter a great deal to one or both partners. Acknowledging an area of agreement may foment a sense of alliance, which could make compromise easier during a conversation. If it’s difficult to find common ground, you can ask your therapist to help using counseling tactics such as having you create a chart of areas where you might agree.

Step into your partner’s shoes with the help of a mental health professional

During therapy, it can also be helpful to assess your values, thoughts, and beliefs. Where do they match up with your partner’s, and where are there feelings of disconnection? Different values could be a root problem for some concerns. Consider why your partner is upset, temporarily disregarding what caused you to feel your emotions. Do they feel unheard, unloved, or disrespected? By stepping into your partner’s shoes and understanding their behavior patterns, you can access a hidden world of knowledge.  Understanding the argument from the other person’s perspective may allow you to approach the situation with empathy and build your problem solving skills. A licensed therapist can use this form of psychotherapy to help you solve your immediate relationship challenges and create long-lasting solutions that will aid in both partners’ communication, interaction, and displays of love. 

Can seeing a mental health professional for relationship challenges make things worse?

Two people may not see eye to eye on everything. However, you might be able to compromise, come to an agreement, or convince each other of another option. Similar to how family therapy can help form healthy relationships between family members, relationship therapy offers transformative potential, with session costs ranging from $65 to $200 depending on the provider, it can significantly improve both partners’ lives. Online relationship counseling with qualified relationship therapists is often a way to improve disagreements between couples and bolster problem solving skills, not make them worse. However, if counseling leads to more arguments or the urge to break up, you can bring this up in your next session. You can let the therapist know why you’re concerned and ask what it could mean for the relationship. Your therapist may have valuable advice and counseling techniques to help with any relationship distress you may be facing. 

Why is my partner upset with me during therapy?

If your partner is coming across as angry, defensive, or upset, and you can’t figure out why, there could be several reasons. For example, they may be experiencing:

• An internal conflict unrelated to you or the relationship
• Conflict with another relationship, such as with friends or family
• Stress from a long day or mental burnout
• Symptoms of a mental health condition, such as depression or anxiety, which therapy can help treat
• Symptoms related to an unresolved conflict in your relationship
• Loss or grief, which therapy can help process and overcome
• Lack of problem solving skills

Rather than assuming your partner’s behavior is irrational, you might try to open communication to find out what’s wrong. Don’t point fingers. Instead, you can let your partner know that you’ve noticed their mood change and want to be there to support them. If they become defensive, consider having this conversation during therapy.

How does counseling work?: Understanding relationship therapy and family therapy

Couples therapy may help a couple learn healthy relationship strategies and problem-solving tactics to change patterns. Recognizing your unhealthy habits can be as essential as identifying your partner’s unhealthy behaviors. A marriage or relationship therapist may allow you to facilitate an open-ended discussion with a neutral third party present and practice these problem solving skills.

Is it too soon to see a mental health professional together?

People who have been together for a few weeks or people who have been together for many years may all benefit from counseling. There is no requirement related to how long you’ve been together to attend a session. Your therapist will likely be experienced with partners at all stages of relationships. Plus, everyone has a unique relationship, with different needs at different times.

Can partners attend sessions together?

Couples sessions are often conducted together. These sessions can take place in a therapist's office or online, depending on the couples' preferences and needs. In some cases, your couples therapist may meet with both married partners one-on-one before or after sessions to discuss any feelings you felt unable to say in front of your partner. Through these methods, your therapist may observe your relationship history and provide insight into your strengths and weaknesses. A licensed marriage and family therapist can guide you through this process, providing professional support and solutions, including problem solving skills. They may also act as a neutral mediator, advising you and your partner as you work through conflict. In other cases, you and your partner may have an individual therapist as well. You might choose to bring topics from your therapy sessions to therapy couples sessions with your partner, but that is up to you.

How counseling with a couples therapy professional can support mental health

Behavioral couples therapy may teach partners effective ways to interact and communicate, increasing their problem solving skills. A couples counselor might brainstorm with the couple about ways to show their love and support for each other during conflict. Forbes indicates that relationship therapy can work when both partners are present, willing to try in in-person or online couples therapy, and ready to make changes. Although it may not fix all your conflicts, couples therapy is often meant as a tool to guide you as you and your partner work to solve the conflicts together. Two well-known couples therapy modalities are Imago relationship therapy and emotion focused therapy. The Gottman method, devised by John and Julie Gottman, is another well-known form of couples therapy.

Mental health benefits of relationship therapy sessions

While couples therapy may not benefit every couple in every situation, it can be effective for many partnerships.

Achieving emotional satisfaction through sessions

During and after couples therapy sessions, partners tend to express high levels of satisfaction with the marriage therapist. According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, over 90% of couples surveyed reported improved emotional health after attending sessions with a relationship or marriage therapist. They reported that their marriage and family therapist gave them the resources they needed to make more effective decisions about their relationships. Many couples leave therapy feeling more connected, with better problem solving skills, often becoming a happy couple with a stronger emotional bond. With online platforms like BetterHelp, sessions can cost as little as $65, making therapy more accessible. Note that what works for other relationships may not benefit your relationship. Couples therapy may help you look at your relationship without making comparisons. Thus, you may work through your conflicts, such as external stressors, intimacy issues, or communication difficulties, in a personalized manner.

Solving conflicts with a couples therapist or mental health professional

Relationship therapists often work with partners from different backgrounds, cultures, and lifestyles. This diversity in experience allows couples therapists to practice a variety of therapeutic techniques tailored to peoples' specific needs. For this reason, couples therapists are often prepared with methods for various situations. Additionally, they often have up-to-date research on interpersonal relationships available to support you with facts and studies. Attempting to solve conflicts on your own may feel time-consuming, especially without problem solving skills, as you may need to figure out what works as you go along without the support of a professional. Attending weekly therapy sessions may help a couple move forward and make progress with a structured plan for their relationship. The couples therapist may also help you and your partner establish clear treatment goals to guide your progress in therapy.

You may receive a resolution with the proper support

At times, relationship therapy, whether online for $65 or in-person for up to $200, may show you and your partner that you want to work through any concerns and move forward together. Other times, you or your partner may realize that the relationship isn’t for you. Either way, couples therapy could allow you to learn about the health of your relationship and offer a resolution. In couples counseling, your therapist may not recommend breaking up or divorcing. Instead, your therapist might guide you toward finding the healthiest option for yourself. In some cases, couples therapy might lead to difficult decisions, such as separation or divorce.

Techniques employed by a therapist during relationship therapy

Relationship therapy often centers on increasing effective communication and strengthening attachment bonds. You may discuss your attachment style developed as a child and how it connects with your partner’s style.

There are a variety of options. For example, you might participate in emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT), which often uses adult attachment and bonding theories to guide clients. These therapists can help partners assess and strengthen their emotional responses, interactions, and bonds to move forward in the relationship.

Different forms and modalities include: 

Gottman method: A popular couples therapy approach to navigating relationships

This approach may help partners increase their overall closeness, respect, and affection through “love maps.”

Narrative therapy as a tool

In narrative therapy, partners might identify and name their internalized concerns, which may be viewed from multiple angles and worked with constructively. 

Positive psychology for mental health

This is one of the couple counseling techniques that therapists often use to emphasize the positive aspects of relationships. A therapist may use optimism practices to achieve this. 

Imago therapy

This method can combine behavioral and spiritual techniques, posing couples therapy questions such as, “Why did you choose your partner?”

Will couples therapy work for us? 

Couples therapy takes active participation of both partners to be effective in solving relationship problems.  Success or failure in therapy may depend on the extent to which both partners are willing to commit to relationship therapy techniques and exercises and practice problem solving skills at home. If one or both of you are unwilling to engage and provide a commitment to the process thoroughly, you may not benefit as much as you would with a positive mindset.

Relationship therapy process and commitment

The counseling process can take effort from both sides. You may learn about areas where you acted unhealthily, which could feel challenging to address in front of a therapist and your partner. You and your partner may choose to go into therapy willing to change your behavioral patterns and learn new skills. Additionally, you might want to find the proper fit for a therapist before delving into deep counseling. Consider the following questions:

• Why should we try couples therapy?
• What do we wish to gain as a couple and as individuals from therapy?
• What is our end goal as a couple for each therapy session?
• What type of couples therapy or marriage counseling are we looking for?
• What aspects of our relationship will we talk about in our first therapy session with our therapist?
• Are there any subjects we don’t want to discuss in therapy for some reason?
• Is there any personal subject one or both of us don’t want to bring up to our therapist during couples counseling?

What should I not tell a couples therapist?

During your sessions, the therapist may ask standard interview questions to better understand the issues you're facing. You may tell your therapist anything. However, it’s up to you whether you tell a piece of information. You can impart your information, but you might check with your partner before telling any of their details to the counselor. 

What should I do if my partner refuses to go to counseling?

If your partner refuses to try counseling, you might consider individual therapy to talk to a counselor about how you feel in your relationship. Individual counseling may focus only on your needs, so you might learn more about how the relationship harms or benefits you. 

Should partners see the same individual therapist that they see in therapy sessions together?

Suppose your partner does not feel comfortable attending relationship therapy but is willing to try therapy on their own. Or feels the cost is too high, as it may cost $65 to $200 per session. In that case, you might be able to see the same therapist individually. However, it is also possible to see separate therapists to work on your own feelings. It depends on your and your partner’s desires. 

Should I tell my partner what I talk about in my own therapy sessions?

You can choose to talk to your spouse about what you discuss in therapy. Doing so may help them understand what areas of your life or relationship you’re working on. However, you can also keep details of your therapy sessions to yourself if you wish.

Are you considering couples counseling?

Connect with a licensed therapist

Online therapy sessions for marriages and relationships

Most partners find couples therapy to be helpful for their relationships and their individual mental health. It can help them resolve conflict and communicate effectively. However, some might wonder, "I can't find couples counseling near me, can I try online?" Wherever you live, a licensed therapist may help you solve immediate relationship difficulties and work to create long-lasting solutions for communication problems, including teaching problem solving skills. According to research, couples counseling is effective in reducing relationship distress and improving relationship satisfaction, and online sessions can be a cost-effective option starting at $65 per week.

Research on online couples therapy

In one study with 300 real-life partners, online therapy for relationship or marriage counseling online was proposed as a solution. Partners were randomly assigned to online treatment with the OurRelationship (OR) program or a waitlist control condition. The couples assigned to the treatment condition completed online activities in the OR program and had four 15-minute calls with staff associates. The couples that received treatment had significant improvements compared to the waitlist group in relationship satisfaction and relationship confidence. Couples also reported significant improvements in their functioning, including a reduction in depressive and anxious symptoms and improvements in perceived health, work functioning, and quality of life. Based on the effectiveness of these sessions, you may be wondering how to find a couples therapist?

Finding an online mental health professional for relationship improvement

You may wonder, "How much does couples counseling cost?" Prices can vary from $65 for online sessions to over $200 for traditional in-person therapy. Couples counseling through BetterHelp is between $65 and $100 (based on factors such as your location, referral source, preferences, therapist availability, and any applicable discounts or promotions that might apply) to have sessions with a qualified therapist. This service may offer more flexibility and lower costs compared to traditional in-person therapy. When compared to traditional in-person therapy at $100-$200 per session, online therapy can save you $10-$135 per session. If you’re ready to try counseling, consider signing up for a platform such as BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples. Take the first step and reach out today. You may find these approaches to relationship counseling to be an authentic and visceral experience, leading to a stronger relationship with better problem solving skills. Options like BetterHelp offer affordable support for partners, with costs starting at $65, and often delivering excellent results.

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