Your Partner Is Not Your Therapist: Why Relying Only On Your Partner Might Be Harmful

Many people in romantic and intimate relationships rely on their partner for emotional support. Humans can enjoy numerous benefits from being in social relationships, and revealing your feelings and needs with someone else can be comforting. However, in some relationships, one or both partners might rely on each other extensively, coming to each other for every challenge, emotion, or concern they have. 

While it might not seem unhealthy in concept, and you might even view your partner as a good therapist who’s always available, putting your emotional well-being in the hands of someone you’re in a relationship with can have consequences. For example, you might unknowingly contribute to a pattern of dependency or develop an insecure attachment. Understanding why a partner is not your therapist and how to get the support you seek may help you move forward healthily in your relationship.  

Why do I rely on my partner?

If you find that you go to your partner for everything before reaching out to others, there could be various causes. Many people rely heavily on their romantic relationships, dating people who offer a great deal of support, especially if they don’t have a healthy or significant social support system. Others might cling to their partner if they’re worried about losing them. A few other reasons for dependent behavior could include the following: 

• A history of turbulent or unhealthy relationships 
• An anxious attachment style (avoidant or resistant)
• Barriers to receiving professional help 
• Distrust in outside resources 
• Learned helplessness in early adulthood 
• Fear of being alone or caring for yourself
• Feeling that your partner is the only person you trust
• An unhealthy power dynamic or abuse*

*If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788. You can also use the online chat.       

Why it may be unhealthy to rely only on your partner

Although confiding in, connecting with, and loving your partner are not inherently unhealthy actions, coming to your partner for all profound emotional topics or concerns may be a red flag. There are a few reasons why this behavior could have adverse consequences, including:

It may put pressure on your partner

Although your partner might be available to support you during life’s difficult moments, coming to them for every moment of distress and not considering their emotional capacity to help you might cause them to feel pressured. Everyone has difficult days, and your partner might also be struggling on a day when you feel you need support. If they’re not in the mood to support you, don’t know how to respond, or feel distressed, your request for support could pressure them further. 

In healthy relationships, one partner might set boundaries if they cannot help the other partner. However, some people struggle to say “no.” Instead of immediately expecting your partner to support you no matter the circumstance, it might be beneficial to ask, “Are you available to talk about an emotional subject I’m experiencing right now? I understand if it’s not within your capacity.” This statement sets your partner up to say “no” if they need to and ensures you’re not talking to them about your emotions without consent. 

They may not always be available

If you notice extreme distress, helplessness, or fear when your partner is unavailable to help you with your emotional processing, it could indicate an underlying mental health condition or anxious attachment style. If you feel you cannot be alone without feeling afraid or struggling to cope with your emotions without relying on someone else, you might be experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), an insecure attachment, or another mental health condition. 

When your partner isn’t available to help, ask yourself what you can do to support yourself. What coping skills do you have on hand? What other support system have you built? These are questions you can use to start developing a plan. 

You may experience learned helplessness

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), learned helplessness occurs when an individual is repeatedly exposed to stressors, often in childhood, which causes them to believe they lack control over their emotions, life, and circumstances, even when these stressors are no longer present. For many people, learned helplessness occurs into adulthood, causing them to believe they have no control over their feelings and that others are the only option for emotional relief. 

Suppose your partner consistently supports you when you’re experiencing emotional distress. In that case, you might subconsciously hold up these ideas of learned helplessness, potentially believing that you have no control without your partner’s guidance. Learned helplessness may be combated with therapy, processing the events that caused it, and learning to support yourself independently without seeking reassurance or external validation from those in your life. 

It can foster co-dependency or insecure attachment

Mental Health America defines codependency as a learned behavior driven by low self-esteem that causes reassurance seeking from a force outside yourself. In codependent relationships, your partner may enable this behavior, supporting you in every case, potentially strengthening your idea that you are “unable” to survive or cope without them. 

Insecure attachments from childhood may also impact adult relationships. Those with an anxious attachment style may struggle to accept boundaries, find it difficult to be alone, feel the need to reveal all of their thoughts and feelings at every moment, and feel uncomfortable with self-reliance. When you continuously seek reassurance only from your romantic relationships, you might solidify this pattern, which can make it difficult to foster a secure attachment. However, studies show that changing your attachment style and becoming assured is possible when working with a licensed therapist. 

Your partner cannot give professional advice

Regardless of your partner’s knowledge of mental health, emotions, and well-being, they are not your therapist. They are not qualified to offer you professional advice or develop a treatment plan with you.

If you’re seeking support with a mental illness, stress, or childhood trauma, it can be beneficial to seek support from a trained professional who has no relational ties to you. Asking your partner to give you advice when they may not be able to offer it can have consequences, as you might receive information that could worsen your symptoms. In addition, asking your partner to diagnose you or using a self-diagnosis to excuse unhealthy behavior could damage your relationship.  

You might form expectations 

Only reaching out to your partner during difficult times may cause you to form expectations of them, believing they are “required” to support you in any scenario. If they often offer support and someday feel they can’t offer the same amount of attention to you as they once did, you might feel resentment or fear. Although these feelings may come from a place of worry, hurt, or concern, expecting your partner to be your primary support system can put undue stress on the relationship and your partner, potentially leading to more distance between the two of you. 

Alternative support options 

Having a variety of support options in your life may help you form healthier connections and get the helping hand you need. If you have more than one person you can go to in times of need, you might notice that the pressure is taken off everyone, giving you more time to focus on the unique bond you have with each person in your life.

Making new friends

If you don’t already have friends you can rely on emotionally, you might try making new friends. A few ways you can meet new people and form a strong support system include the following: 

• Joining a club at your university, if you’re a student
• Talking to coworkers at your job 
• Joining a support group 
• Going to a class for a skill you want to learn (Ex: singing, playing an instrument, learning a language, etc.) 
• Meeting new friends online or through friendship apps like Bumble BFF
• Joining a tabletop gaming campaign
• Going to a community center for a community you’re a part of (LGBTQ+, BIPOC, etc.) 
• Attending public events with interactive activities
• Going to parties in your area
• Working with a relationship coach
• Meeting people through your local community center or learning center
• Meeting people through your local senior center, if you’re an older adult 

Although not all friends may be comfortable offering emotional advice, building a strong network of friends might allow you to feel less alone in your daily struggles. In addition, it could distract you from attachment-related fears or worries. 

Connecting with family members

Some people don’t feel close to their family members or do not have family support, which often contributes to anxious attachment or fears of being alone. However, if you do have familial support, consider reaching out more often to those family members who are a positive force in your life.

If you don’t have family support, you might try establishing a chosen family of non-related individuals that you feel connected to on a familial level. For some people, a chosen family is made up of friends. For others, it might be people you grew up with, distant relatives, mentors from childhood, or a foster parent or individual who took you in when you were younger. 

Supporting yourself 

Self-control can be essential for reducing attachment-related anxiety or fear of supporting yourself. Often, these fears stem from believing you cannot give yourself the support you seek from others. When you start to practice self-control and self-care, you may notice that your sense of trust in your abilities restores itself. 

One way to remind yourself that you have your own back is by repeating mantras or affirmations, such as the following: 

• “I’m never alone because I have myself.”
• “Even if I had no support system for some time, I would be my support system.” 
• “I love me, even when others do not.” 
• “I can support myself, even when it is difficult.” 
• “When other people are busy, I can care for my own needs.” 
• “I can change my own thoughts, even when it feels impossible.” 

Although you might not believe these statements at first, they may offer a sense of confidence and safety for the time being, which could lead to self-sufficiency over time. You can also try the following coping mechanisms to show yourself self-love and self-compassion: 

• Journaling about your feelings 
• Partaking in hobbies that bring you joy, even if your partner doesn’t partake in them with you 
• Ensuring you follow your dreams, even if they don’t follow someone else’s plans
• Respecting your values and morals 
• Setting healthy boundaries when needed
• Partaking in your religion or spiritual beliefs, if applicable 
• Finding a cause to strive toward and a “reason for existence” 
• Helping others through kind deeds, such as volunteer work 
• Reaching out to a therapist when you’re struggling to be alone 
• Practicing a healthy sleep hygiene routine

Reaching out to a therapist

A licensed psychologist or counselor can be part of your support system whether you have others to go to or not. By seeking professional support from a therapist, you can get guidance for any concerns you’re facing in life and know that you’re receiving informed, competent advice. Millions of Americans see a counselor yearly, and the number is only growing. Whether you have a mental illness, are struggling in your relationship, or need support through life’s challenges, a therapist can be there for you each step of the way.

If you feel nervous about completing therapy in person or face barriers to mental health treatment that cause you to not reach out for support, you might consider online therapy. Through an online therapy platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you can talk to a provider from home or any other location with an internet connection. With online therapy, both individual and couples therapy, you can reach out to your therapist at any time through an in-app messaging feature, which may provide you with the emotional support you need from day to day. Over time, your therapist can provide advice, diagnosis, and the tools you need to be self-sufficient while also relying on your partner and others in a healthy way.

The efficacy of online therapy

Research also backs up the effectiveness of online therapy. One study found that attachment anxiety and anxiety-related behaviors in participants were significantly reduced after using an online therapeutic intervention, with results similar to those of in-person therapy studies. Participants also experienced an increase in self-esteem and a reduction in psychiatric symptoms like depression. These outcomes could prove useful for those wanting to seek emotional support and improve their mental health in a constructive way.