Discipline vs. Punishment And The Impact On Child Development

It can be complicated to determine the most effective way of teaching your child to behave. As a parent, you may wonder about the effectiveness of different parenting strategies, including discipline and punishment. 

The key distinction between discipline and punishment may be in their intentions. Punishment is generally about controlling a child’s behavior by giving negative consequences for bad behavior. Discipline tends to be about teaching a child effective ways to govern themself. While punishment may be more effective at halting undesired behavior in the short term, it can sometimes be associated with long-term negative consequences. Discipline is usually more effective at changing a child’s behavior and helping them learn how to behave appropriately in the future. A licensed therapist can help you work through parenting challenges and concerns through online or in-person therapy sessions.

Learning more about punishment vs discipline

Parenting can be challenging, and knowing how to respond when your child misbehaves isn't always clear. Learning the difference between punishment and discipline can be a beneficial first step toward a more productive, long-term approach to parenting.

What discipline means and what it is for

The American Psychological Association typically defines discipline in the context of child-rearing as “training that is designed to establish desired habits of mind and behavior.” The traditional meaning of the word may encompass any means of behavioral modification, often including the use of punishment and rewards. 

However, the more modern interpretations of what discipline means tend to focus less on the actual outcomes of such behavioral changes and more on the learning associated with the process, which can have a more significant impact on child development and growth. Today, proper discipline can be seen as a way of guiding children, helping them learn new skills and self-discipline. This emphasis is sometimes referred to as positive discipline or positive parenting.

What punishment means and what it is for

Usually, punishment focuses on using negative consequences when a child breaks the rules or otherwise behaves in an undesirable way. As opposed to positive reinforcement for good behavior, in many cases, punishment aims to hurt, shame, or humiliate a child due to bad behavior. 

While punishment may have historically been considered an effective method of changing a child’s actions, current research indicates that it may not be a productive means of deterring negative behavior in the future and may actually cause harm, having a host of long-term maladaptive consequences for children. 

The difference between discipline and punishment

Discipline vs punishment in a quick comparison

Discipline

• Goal: Teach about self-regulating, taking responsibility, and learning how to make better choices
• Time horizon: Can work in the long term, as it can build a strong foundation for emotional development and future behavior
• Adult role: The adult acts as a guide or teacher, modeling the behavior they want to see
• Child learning outcome: Children can learn values, understand boundaries, and develop into a “good kid” who is capable of genuine self-discipline
• Examples: Calmly explaining why a behavior was wrong, setting and maintaining consistent boundaries, and allowing for natural consequences

Punishment

• Goal: Stop an unwanted behavior right away using fear or discomfort
• Time horizon: Can offer short-term results as it addresses the behavior in the moment, but generally does not lead to lasting change
• Adult role: The adult acts as an enforcer, focusing on maintaining control rather than making a connection with the child
• Child learning outcome: Children may focus on avoiding getting caught for their behaviors rather than understanding why their behavior was wrong in the first place
• Examples: Yelling, shaming, harsh physical consequences, taking away privileges

Punishment may stop a behavior in the moment, but it is typically due to the fear or discomfort the child is feeling. In the long run, punishment may not teach a child anything about their own behavior. They may learn to fear the outcome, not understand what they did.

When adults choose the guidance of discipline instead of fear, over time, children can learn to reflect on and eventually correct their own behavior. Punishment may not have the same impact. For example, research shows that physical punishment may have numerous negative outcomes, including aggressive behavior, antisocial behavior, and poorer cognitive abilities,  ultimately concluding that “physical punishment is linked with increases in negative child outcomes.”

When children are punished, they usually don’t think, “I misbehaved, and in the future, I can behave better.” They may instead think, “I am bad, and that will not change no matter what I do.” Not only does this mentality not usually lead to behavior change, but it can also cause children to think poorly of themselves, which is often associated with adverse mental health consequences.

The emotional brain and reactive parenting cycles

Unlike discipline, which can be a teaching moment, punishment aims to correct a child’s wrongdoing and often includes judgments about a child’s behavior (i.e., “Why would you ever think something like that is okay?”). This can lead to big feelings in a child, allowing their emotional brain to take over, which doesn’t leave space for learning. Rather than focusing on what they did (and what they could have done differently), the child is instead focused on fear, which can make self-regulation difficult.

Some forms of punishment, like physical punishment, sometimes called corporal punishment or “spanking,” can increase negative behavior in children. It can also confuse a child, who may wonder, “If it’s not okay for me to hit my sibling, why did my parent just hit me?”

While spanking may have been considered acceptable for past generations, it is now widely considered a form of abuse that can lead to the development of childhood trauma. Other forms of punishment, particularly verbal castigating that involves belittling or humiliation, can also cross the line into child abuse.

If you believe that you or someone you know – regardless of age – is experiencing abuse in any form, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 800-799-7233 or texting START to 88788.

Children who are punished are usually more likely to feel ashamed of themselves, may avoid trying new things for fear of being punished, and can view their parents as adversaries. This can lead to an increase in negative behavior and conflict between parents and children, as well as reactive parenting. In reactive parenting, the child acts out, the parent reacts by punishing them in some way, and the child feels emotions like anxiety or fear. While this cycle may stop the behavior, bringing a temporary resolution, in the long run, it does not help the child’s sense of right and wrong or help them build the skills that they need to manage their behavior long-term. It can also have a long-lasting, detrimental impact on the parent-child relationship.

What effective discipline looks like in real life

Effective discipline can look different from one family to another, but the core principles may focus on shaping positive behavior in the same ways: setting clear expectations, having calm responses, and establishing consequences that teach rather than punish.

Clear rules and predictable boundaries

Children may perform better with clear rules and boundaries. Clear rules can give a framework that can help them understand appropriate behavior because they genuinely know what is expected of them and why.

Predictable boundaries are similar. When a child can anticipate how a parent or caregiver will respond, they can feel safe, even when they know that they have made a mistake. This safety may be what allows self-discipline to grow. 

Coaching skills and building self-regulation

It can help to focus on the idea that helping a child build self-regulation skills can help them learn to manage themselves long after the moment has passed. When adults assume a coaching role rather than the role of a disciplinarian, they can actively teach new skills that can help children make better choices on their own now and in the future.

Some skills that adults can teach their children include:

• Helping a child name their emotions by labeling what they're feeling in the moment 
• Teaching coping tools, like deep breathing, grounding, or taking a time out to work through big feelings. 
• Practicing scripts together by walking a child through how to express their needs or using words rather than behavior

In time, these skills grow strong and compound. A child who knows how to name their emotions, calm their body, and think through a conflict may have the self-discipline to navigate the world more effectively on their own, without any coaching.

Logical consequences vs punishment

Consequences can be more effective when they have more relevance. Logical consequences work because they're connected to the behavior, not just designed to make a point.

What logical consequences are

Logical consequences can be defined as those that “focus on addressing the problem created by children’s transgression rather than on merely eliciting aversion.” In other words, they focus on making things right rather than making the child feel bad about what happened. The goal may be to have the child take accountability for their actions, own their mistakes, and understand the real-world impact of their own behavior.

Common examples for parents

As a parent, when using logical consequences, it can help to ask yourself, what would actually teach something here? Here are some examples of how this might apply to various situations for children of various ages.

• If a child draws on the walls, they have to clean it or help the parent clean it.
• If a child throws a toy, that toy is taken away for an hour. 
• If a child breaks a toy on purpose, that toy is not replaced.
• If a child refuses to put dirty clothes in the hamper, their laundry does not get done. 
• If a child refuses to do homework, they are not allowed to attend extracurricular activities until it is finished.
• If a child refuses to get off the computer, their screen time for the next day is reduced.

A quick note on "positive punishment"

You may also hear people use the term "positive punishment" and find it confusing. Here's what it actually means.

Positive punishment vs. positive approaches

In behavioral psychology, "positive" doesn't mean good; it means adding something. Conversely, “negative” doesn’t mean bad; it means taking something away. Let’s look at a teenager who needs to clean their room as an example. If they are offered an extra hour before curfew as motivation for cleaning their room, that extra hour is positive reinforcement. If they clean their room because they want their parents to stop nagging them, the cessation of the nagging is negative reinforcement.

In the case of punishment, positive punishment means adding an unpleasant consequence to discourage a behavior, like assigning extra chores. Negative punishment means taking something away, like losing privileges. In these situations, “positive” and “negative” are technical terms, not value judgments.

This usage is different from what parenting experts mean by “positive “approaches. Positive parenting is a philosophy that is built on connection, teaching, and reinforcing good behavior rather than adding discomfort. Knowing the difference can help avoid any confusion about what discipline and punishment can mean in this context.

When challenging behaviors keep happening

If challenging behaviors keep happening despite consistent discipline, it may help to consider if there is something else going on before changing the consequence or being tempted to try a harsh punishment.

Underlying needs and patterns

Repeated behavior problems can be a signal that there is something going on beneath the surface. Some of the most common underlying factors that can cause difficult behavior may include:

• Sleep: Children who do not get enough sleep can have a harder time regulating their emotions and behavior.
• Hunger: Low blood sugar can affect mood and behavior.
• Transitions: Some children may have a difficult time handling transitions or moving from one activity or place to another.
• Attention. Children may also misbehave when seeking connection because getting negative attention feels better than getting no attention at all.
• Stress. Children may be dealing with big changes at home or have their own issues at school that can cause them to act out.

Consider parent support and therapy

Parenting can be complicated. There is usually no one-size-fits-all approach to using discipline and punishment when attempting to change your child’s behavior. Approaching the situation through the lens of discipline and avoiding punishment will likely lead to more beneficial outcomes for your child, but it’s not always an easy path to take. If you want to learn more about child development and ways to refine your parenting style, you may want to consider speaking to a therapist. 

Exploring discipline vs. punishment in online therapy

Parents often have so many obligations to fulfill that the thought of squeezing in an in-person therapy appointment might feel overwhelming. Online therapy can be a helpful alternative for busy parents. With online therapy, you can attend your appointments from home, cutting out commute times. Set videoconference meetings, schedule phone calls, or attend online chat sessions – you can choose the communication format that works best for you.

Effectiveness of online therapy for parenting concerns

Research indicates that online therapy can be just as effective as attending traditional in-person therapy sessions, including when addressing concerns related to parenting. One study found that parents who completed a course of online therapy were usually able to make significant changes to their parenting styles, which typically led to beneficial outcomes for their children. If you are weighing the role of punishment versus discipline in your parenting plans and would like some assistance with figuring out a discipline strategy, online therapy could be a helpful resource.