What Is Abuse By Proxy And How Does It Affect Children?

Abuse by proxy is when an individual uses others, intentionally or not, to exert control over or inflict harm on someone else, and child abuse by proxy is when an adult does this to inflict harm on a child. It's often hidden behind misunderstanding, misinformation, or misplaced loyalty. Since it doesn’t always present as direct aggression, it can be particularly damaging to a person’s sense of safety and identity. Below, we’ll examine what abuse by proxy involves, who may be impacted, and how to begin the process of healing from its psychological effects.

What is abuse by proxy? 

Abuse by proxy occurs when an abuser manipulates others to participate in or carry out acts that cause harm to a targeted individual. These “proxies” might include close friends, extended family members, medical professionals, therapists, law enforcement, or even the children of the target.

Sometimes, these proxies (the individuals participating in the abuse) may be fully aware of their involvement. However, some are not aware at all. Others may believe they are genuinely helping, when instead, they are being pulled into a narrative designed to control or isolate the target. This manipulation tactic is often seen in situations involving emotional abuse and/or high-conflict separations or custody disputes. 

Examples of common scenarios include:

• Telling false or exaggerated stories to others to isolate someone from their support system
• Repeatedly calling the police or Child Protective Services (CPS) on someone under false pretenses
• Influencing a child to reject or fear one of their parents or caregivers without cause
• Convincing mutual acquaintances to “watch” or report on the target’s actions

These behaviors aren’t always easy to detect from the outside, especially when masked as concern or protection. That’s part of what makes this form of abuse so complex.

Who can be affected by abuse by proxy? 

Anyone involved in a situation with an emotionally manipulative person can be affected by abuse by proxy. However, certain dynamics make some individuals particularly vulnerable to being the target of or unwittingly involved in abuse by proxy.

Some commonly affected groups include:

• Individuals in controlling relationships or emotionally manipulative marriages
• Targets of domestic violence or emotional abuse, especially when trying to exit the relationship
• Parents in high-conflict custody battles
• Children caught between adversarial caregivers
• Well-meaning family members or professionals unknowingly pulled into one-sided narratives

Warning signs of abuse by proxy

Though signs are rarely obvious at first, there are some possible indicators of the presence of this kind of manipulation, such as: 

• A close relationship or relationships breaking down due to sudden, unverified claims
• Third parties involving themselves in intimate matters without a clear role
• Unfounded calls to authorities like CPS or law enforcement
• A sense of being constantly surveilled or “monitored” by people one once trusted

When a person begins to feel like they are always being watched, judged, or reported on, it can lead to a heightened state of anxiety. Over time, the effects on mental health can become even more significant.

Child abuse by proxy

Another form of proxy manipulation is when a parent or caregiver uses a child to hurt or control the other parent or caregiver. This often occurs during separations, divorces, or custody disputes.

The child might be directly told negative things about one parent directly, or they might be subtly coached to see one parent as dangerous or unloving. This is a common element of parental alienation, a pattern where one parent or caregiver works to damage the child’s perception of another of their parents or caregivers. In these cases, the child can become an unwitting proxy for emotional retaliation.

Warning signs of child abuse by proxy

Children who are being used as proxies in this way may show behaviors that feel out of sync with their past personality or current development stage. For example, they may show signs like:

• Sudden, extreme fear or dislike of one parent or caregiver without a clear or logical cause
• Language that sounds more like an adult’s words than a child’s
• Withdrawal from previously enjoyable time with one caregiver
• Reluctance to talk about shared memories or good experiences with the alienated parent

These changes may not happen all at once. They often unfold gradually, making them harder to spot. However, they tend to coincide with ongoing disputes or manipulation by the other caregiver.

What is munchausen syndrome?

Munchausen syndrome—now known as factitious disorder imposed on self (FDIS)—is a psychological condition in which an individual feigns or exaggerates illness in themselves to attract attention or sympathy. It may manifest through fabricated medical histories, self-harm, or frequent hospital visits with vague symptoms. While this condition is separate from abuse by proxy, it is often closely related. In some cases, individuals with FDIS may draw others into their narrative, making them part of a broader manipulation, which reflects elements of abuse by proxy. While generally uncommon, FDIS is serious and typically requires professional intervention.

Munchausen syndrome by proxy

Munchausen syndrome by proxy—now known as factitious disorder imposed on another (FDIA)—is a serious form of abuse where one individual causes or fabricates an illness in someone else to gain attention, sympathy, or control. Many cases of FDIA involve a parent and child. This may present as a parent or caregiver exaggerating their child’s symptoms, lying about medical history, or deliberately making their child sick.

Some signs of this form of child abuse may include the following:  

• The child undergoes needless medical tests, hospitalizations, or treatments
• Symptoms are often inconsistent and poorly explained
• The caregiver seems overly involved or insistent on medical interventions

Along with the impact of emotional abuse and manipulation, this behavior can put children in immediate danger. Over time, the risk of long-term psychological distress increases, particularly if an illness is fabricated repeatedly. Because it involves a third party, typically a vulnerable one, it also fits within the broader pattern of abuse by proxy.

The mental health impacts of abuse by proxy

When someone is harmed through intermediaries, the damage is often harder to name, since there’s usually no single moment of violence or clear accusation to point to. However, when former allies become distant, institutions no longer seem trustworthy, or their children act like strangers, the target may feel as if the world has turned on them without explanation. This cumulative harm from isolation, confusion, and fear can have lasting emotional effects.

Potential mental health impacts of abuse by proxy on adults

Adults experiencing abuse by proxy may experience a variety of effects, such as:

• Heightened anxiety and emotional reactivity
• Hypervigilance in social or institutional settings
• A deepened sense of isolation and confusion
• Symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), especially when the abuse is combined with gaslighting
• Difficulty trusting people
• Persistent depression
• Erosion of self-worth

Potential mental health impacts of abuse by proxy on children

When children are pulled into these dynamics, the psychological consequences can affect them significantly and may even stretch into adulthood. For example, they may be in danger of:

• Conflicted loyalty between caregivers
• Insecure attachments and difficulty trusting others
• Anxiety, nightmares, and/or emotional shutdown
• Repetitive thoughts about being “bad” or needing to choose sides
• A higher risk of repeating abusive patterns in future relationships

Healing from abuse by proxy

While there is no one-size-fits-all solution to healing from abuse by proxy, acknowledging the reality of the situation with the support of a mental health professional may lead to: 

• Naming what happened, then learning about abuse by proxy and how it operates
• Reconnecting with trusted, affirming relationships
• Setting boundaries with both the abuser and their proxies
• Seeking environments where survivors’ voices are heard and believed

How therapy can help

Therapy can represent a safe, nonjudgmental space for unpacking the layered and complex emotions that tend to come with abuse by proxy. A therapist can help explore where confusion and guilt might be rooted in manipulation and offer language for what has happened. Then, they can work with the client to help them reconstruct a stable sense of self, teach strategies for setting emotional boundaries, guide the development of long-term coping skills, and gently address any trauma responses that may have formed.

Exploring the option of online therapy

Many people find online therapy more convenient than traditional in-person sessions because you can attend them remotely from anywhere you have an internet connection. Plus, online therapy is often more affordable than in-person therapy with or without insurance.

More research is required regarding the effectiveness of online therapy for survivors of abuse by proxy specifically. However, many studies suggest that online therapy in general can often be equally effective as in-person therapy for treating symptoms of depression, anxiety, or trauma.