Relationship Tips For Marriages Where One Or Both Partners Have ADHD

If you and/or your partner have ADHD, you may already know that it can sometimes make relationships tricky. Symptoms like inattention, mood swings, and hyperactivity have the potential to lead to conflict, hurt feelings, and trouble with routines. In a marriage, these challenges can be amplified, but they are often manageable. Here, we’ll review some strategies couples can use to address these potential effects and cultivate a healthier connection.

ADHD and romantic relationships

ADHD, or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, is a condition that can make it hard to concentrate, complete tasks, control impulses, and more. It’s often diagnosed in childhood, but it tends to be a lifelong condition. Some estimates suggest that as many as 360 million people may be living with adult ADHD. 

Symptoms of ADHD can vary depending on the individual, the presentation of ADHD they’re experiencing, and symptom severity, but they may include things like:

• Trouble starting or finishing tasks
• Fidgeting, restlessness, or difficulty sitting still
• Becoming easily distracted
• Interrupting, blurting things out, or “zoning out” during conversations
• Risky or impulsive behavior, like impulse shopping or unsafe sex
• Trouble controlling emotions
• Frequently forgetting, overlooking, or misplacing things

These symptoms can have a range of impacts on relationships, depending on many factors. As one example, consider a small study of 28 couples studied where one partner has ADHD. The findings suggest that these couples experienced “more unfavorable patterns in their marriages with regard to the level of conflict, marital adjustment, and conflict resolution styles.” However, it also notes that seeking treatment for ADHD may help improve relationship quality in such cases.

Strategies for a successful ADHD marriage

While difficulties like those listed above can have an impact on relationships, they can often be successfully navigated with the right strategies. Some that may help couples in ADHD marriages include the following.

Communicate openly

Clear and open communication is generally important for all relationships, but it may be especially crucial when ADHD is involved. If you’re the partner with ADHD, consider having an honest conversation with your spouse about how this condition manifests for you and how it might affect your marriage. It can help to be upfront about your needs. For example, you might share that you want to use notes during important conversations to help yourself stay focused or a fidget toy to help you release excess energy. 

It can help for non-ADHD partners to share their needs honestly too, such as making it clear when you need your spouse's attention on something. It can be useful as well for both parties to aim to manage conflicts by practicing active listening, using “I” statements, and looking for ways to problem-solve as a team rather than assign blame. 

Set boundaries

It can also be important for both partners to be clear about their boundaries. “I need uninterrupted focus time during work hours” is an example of a boundary that a partner with ADHD might set for their non-ADHD partner. Take some time to think through your boundaries, and then communicate them clearly to your spouse. Examples of types of boundaries to consider include:

• Time boundaries. These are boundaries around how you use and manage time. When one or both partners have ADHD, examples might include limits on screen time, expectations around being on time, or a set schedule for date nights and quality time. 
• Financial boundaries. Financial boundaries deal with money and how it’s spent. In a marriage involving ADHD, it may be important to explore boundaries around sticking to a budget, setting savings goals, and designating how much money can be used for impulse spending. 
• Physical boundaries. Physical boundaries can include rules for sexual activity and consent, but they can also deal with other types of physical contact. For example, someone with ADHD might not like to be touched in certain ways due to sensory processing challenges. 
• Emotional boundaries. Emotional boundaries can help make people feel safe in their relationships. If you or your spouse has ADHD, you might consider discussing boundaries around how you express emotions in order to avoid angry outbursts, for example. Other boundaries might center around respecting each other’s individuality, avoiding using certain language, or being patient with one another. 

If ADHD plays a role in your marriage, establishing healthy boundaries may help you avoid misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment later on. 

Prioritize organization

Creating systems for organization, time management, and productivity can be a proactive step towards helping your shared household run smoothly. Consider sitting down with your partner and making a list of everything that regularly needs to get done, like paying bills, washing dishes, doing laundry, or making meals. For each item, see if you can find a routine that you can both stick to, accounting for things like:

• How often does this need to get done? If not every day, consider choosing a specific day each week or month to make the routine more predictable.
• Whose responsibility will this task be? Will one person be in charge of it, or will it be a team effort?
• What steps will go into doing this task? It may help to break it down into the smallest possible subtasks to make it easier to get started or to divide the labor effectively. 
• How will the partner doing the task ensure that it gets done? Is setting an alarm enough, or do they need a reminder from the other partner?
• What aspects of this task can be automated? Consider strategies like scheduling grocery deliveries, setting up automatic bill payments, getting a robot vacuum, etc.

Having routines and procedures like these in place may help those with ADHD remember what they need to do around the house, saving both parties effort and frustration.

Incorporate self-care into your lifestyle

Self-care strategies can support your mental, physical, and emotional health whether you have ADHD or not, and research suggests that certain healthy habits may also help reduce ADHD symptoms. Examples of potentially beneficial habits to incorporate as individuals or as a couple could include:

• Eating nutrient-dense foods. Incorporating foods that contain essential nutrients into your eating patterns regularly may support healthy brain function and overall well-being. You might consider starting a meal-prepping routine, setting limits on how many times you eat out per week, or going grocery shopping as a couple. 
• Exercising regularly. Exercise has the potential to boost mood and benefit both physical and mental health. Consider incorporating it into your routine by scheduling workouts in advance. 
• Building healthy sleep habits. The amount of sleep you get may influence concentration and memory. Creating a bedtime routine could help you consistently get quality rest. This might include going to bed at the same time each night, setting rules around screen time, or working together to make your sleep environment more relaxing. 
• Engaging in hobbies. For people with ADHD, hobbies can be an important way to channel excess energy and explore different interests. (Even if you don’t have ADHD, hobbies may still support your mental and physical health.) Finding hobbies you can do together or carving out time and space to engage in hobbies separately can be helpful.

Self-care can benefit everyone, but for those with ADHD, it may be easy to overlook. Collaborating with a spouse may make it easier to remember and practice. Also, be sure to consult your doctor or nutritionist before making significant changes to your exercise routine or eating patterns. 

Strengthen relationship skills in therapy

Get matched with an expert counselor

Consider counseling

Successful marriages take work, and you may find that you and your spouse want support from an expert. Individual and couples counseling may both be helpful tools for managing the effects of ADHD, improving family functioning, and handling conflict in a healthy way. 

That said, in relationships that involve ADHD, challenges with time management and distractions may make it hard to coordinate going to counseling appointments in person. Online therapy can offer a more convenient alternative in cases like these. Platforms like ReGain for couples and BetterHelp for individuals let you work with a licensed therapist virtually from your home or anywhere with an internet connection.

Studies indicate that online therapy may have the potential to positively impact relationships. For example, in a 2022 study, 30 couples participated in either an in-person or internet-based relationship counseling program. The findings suggest that couples from both groups saw similar improvements in mental health and relationship satisfaction. 

Takeaway

ADHD is a form of neurodivergence that can make it hard to do things like focus, manage emotions, finish projects, and sit still, which can create challenges for individuals and couples. If you and/or your partner are living with ADHD, engaging in some proactive strategies may help you avoid conflict and increase closeness. Examples include establishing boundaries, making organization a priority, practicing healthy communication, and working together to practice self-care. Professional counseling may also be helpful if you’re looking for outside support.