How Can I Stop Being Passive-Aggressive?

If you’ve ever been the recipient of the silent treatment, you may understand how frustrating it can be to try to relate to a passive-aggressive person. Passive-aggressive behavior can make it challenging to maintain healthy relationships. If you find yourself caught in the cycle of passive aggression, it may be worth taking proactive steps to deepen your understanding of yourself and others. With self-reflection and valuable communication skills, you can cultivate more authentic and constructive connections and achieve personal growth. A licensed therapist can offer the guidance you deserve on this journey toward healthier coping mechanisms and more effective communication skills.

Understanding passive-aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is typically characterized by indirect resistance, hostility, and negative attitudes expressed through subtle or disguised means. It can be a way for individuals to express themselves in the absence of healthy communication skills, and it can harm relationships, create tension, and hinder conflict resolution. Passive-aggressive behavior may take several forms, including the following:

• The silent treatment
• Stonewalling
• Sarcasm
• Moodiness
• Backhanded compliments
• Weaponized incompetence
• Excluding others

Causes and underlying issues related to passive-aggressiveness

Passive-aggressive behavior is often seen in individuals who have experienced childhood abuse or neglect. 

If you or a loved one is witnessing or experiencing any form of abuse, please know that help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Impact of passive aggression on relationships

Passive-aggressive behavior can strain relationships, erode trust, and hinder effective communication. It often prevents healthy dialogue and problem-solving, creating or escalating conflict as underlying issues remain unresolved. Passive aggression frequently leads to confusion and misunderstandings, which may make it difficult for others to understand the true intentions of the passive-aggressive individual.

The recipient of passive aggression may feel manipulated, disrespected, or ignored, potentially leading to frustration, anger, or emotional withdrawal. This energy can create a cycle of frustration and resentment and damage the emotional bonds between friends and loved ones. Repeated passive-aggressive tactics may erode the foundation of trust and communication that can be essential for healthy and fulfilling relationships. 

How to manage passive-aggressive tendencies

It can be important to remember that passive-aggressive tendencies are often the result of childhood trauma, mental health conditions, and personality disorders. As such, it may be essential to prioritize therapy and self-care as you learn to manage passive aggression and adopt healthier communication patterns. 

A licensed therapist can teach interpersonal skills and coping mechanisms for expressing yourself directly and respectfully. They may use evidence-based therapeutic techniques to help you become more self-aware and empathetic. Through therapy, you can address unresolved emotions and explore any underlying causes of your passive-aggressive tendencies.

Recognize your behavior

Recognizing and addressing passive-aggressive behavior usually begins with self-awareness. Try to reflect on past instances of passive aggression, noticing patterns of indirect resistance, sarcasm, or avoidance. Ask yourself about your true intentions and how you expected the other person to respond. Then, notice how the situation may have deteriorated further due to the lack of communication.

For example, you may imagine a time when you gave a person the silent treatment rather than expressed how their actions affected you. Perhaps you chose the silent treatment because you imagined they would offer an apology and commit to change. With clarity surrounding your needs and desires, you may imagine how openly expressing yourself might have resolved the situation more healthily.

This self-reflection process may take time to master, but you can learn to recognize when and how to initiate healthy conversation and problem-solving. Consider keeping a journal and seeking feedback from those close to you. With an intention to address passive aggression, you can learn to recognize when you are resorting to unhelpful communication techniques.

Improve communication and conflict resolution skills

Improving your ability to communicate and problem-solve can be vital to managing passive-aggressive tendencies. With better communication skills, you may feel more confident expressing your feelings, needs, and expectations. Consider these approaches for learning how to relate to others:

• Active listening: Engage in active listening to help you understand the other’s perspective, taking time to respond accurately, assertively, and respectfully.
• Constructive feedback: Aim to avoid criticizing or subtly punishing others, instead offering constructive feedback and adopting a problem-solving mentality. 
• Empathy: Try to adopt a gracious attitude toward the other person, mindfully keeping their interests at heart, as well as your own. This change may help you avoid the negative feelings that frequently accompany passive-aggressive behavior.

Therapy can be particularly helpful for improving your communication skills and shifting toward a more positive mindset. It may also be worth practicing specific communication exercises, such as those used in team-building or couples counseling. To help you gain self-awareness, try reflecting in a written or audio journal about any difficult conversations or interpersonal conflicts you may be experiencing, which can shed light on your communication patterns, reactions, and emotions.

Develop emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence generally refers to the ability to understand and relate to others. High-EQ individuals tend to be better equipped to maintain healthy relationships and understand how to engage in productive, positive conversations—even in unfavorable circumstances. If you engage in passive-aggressive behavior, it may be worth taking steps to develop your sense of empathy and emotional intelligence.

Improving EQ often involves cultivating a sense of compassion and understanding of others. You may try to recognize and honor their perspective by actively listening and adopting a mindset of goodwill and respect. Try to be flexible and open to feedback or constructive criticism, understanding it as a personal growth tool, not an attack. When you’re wrong, offer genuine apologies, demonstrating your willingness to grow and improve.

Improving empathy and EQ can help you navigate various social situations more effectively, build strong relationships, and promote a harmonious atmosphere in different spheres of life, including platonic, professional, and romantic relationships. 

Address underlying issues

If you find yourself resorting to passive aggression, it may be worth considering any underlying concerns. Often, we learn unhealthy communication styles from our families or environments, in which case reflecting on your experiences and how they have influenced you can be helpful.

Likewise, you might resort to passive aggression in response to particular situations or people. Consider whether there are specific triggers that lead to difficulty in expressing your feelings openly. Are there certain individuals with whom you feel particularly challenged to communicate effectively? 

There might also be deeper personal challenges contributing to your passive-aggressive behavior. Feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, or fear of rejection might cause you to communicate indirectly in an attempt to protect yourself from criticism or conflict. Again, identifying these underlying concerns can be crucial in overcoming passive aggression.

Improving interpersonal effectiveness in therapy

Interpersonal effectiveness is generally listed as one of the core components of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), a therapeutic approach initially developed to treat borderline personality disorder (BPD). 

Over time, DBT and its components, including interpersonal effectiveness, have been successfully adapted and applied to a range of other mental health conditions and behavior patterns, including passive-aggressive behavior. 

There is preliminary evidence to suggest that DBT skills training may be beneficial for addressing a wide range of common complaints. Individuals with passive-aggressive tendencies may find skills like interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and mindfulness to be beneficial for learning how to navigate relationships with confidence. 

Benefits of online therapy

Through online platforms like BetterHelp, therapies like DBT tend to be more widely accessible than ever before. You can customize the online therapy experience to match your preferences by scheduling sessions that fit into your routine and choosing between videoconference, phone call, and online chat. It can be challenging to discuss passive-aggressive behaviors and other difficulties, but the flexibility of online therapy can make it easier to open up. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

A growing body of evidence suggests that online therapy is generally just as effective as in-person therapy. If you’re interested in seeking professional help with passive-aggressive tendencies or other mental health-related challenges, either type of therapy can be a valid and effective form of treatment.