Is It Normal To Not Have A Social Life?

Some level of human connection is generally thought to be required for our overall health and well-being. Research has found that those who report having “family and friends they can count on in times of trouble” are more likely to be satisfied with their personal health and at lower risk for a variety of serious illnesses. That said, people can have widely varying needs when it comes to social interaction versus alone time. What one person finds comfortable or even necessary may be overwhelming to another, and vice versa. Read on to learn more about why some people may prefer to spend more time alone than others, when it may be a sign of a problem, and what to do if you want to expand your social life.

Solitude vs. loneliness

It’s not uncommon for people to falsely equate solitude with loneliness. The difference between the two has to do with how an individual experiences them: Solitude is the state of being alone, whereas loneliness is the uncomfortable or even distressing psychological sensation of being isolated, even if you’re around others. It’s possible to be completely alone and perfectly happy, just as it’s possible to be surrounded by people and be upset as a result of loneliness. 

There are many potential benefits to spending some amount of time alone regularly. It can allow you to separate your identity and opinions from those of others, since spending significant time with people can influence these over time. It can also promote creativity and spirituality, as one study found. Solitude can allow you the time and space to pursue your own creative endeavors, get to know yourself better, and recharge on your own, too—the latter of which may be especially important for people who identify as introverts. 

Finally, it may also be worth considering the potential downsides of being unable to spend time alone. It could indicate issues with insecurity, the effects of past trauma, or even the existence of a personality disorder that makes a person need to consistently be the center of attention. Even if none of these apply, the inability to spend time alone can cause a person significant distress when they inevitably need to someday: when their partner is on a business trip, when their best friend moves away, or even when a global crisis like the pandemic occurs.

Causes of social isolation

What causes a person to become socially isolated? There are many possible reasons. Some people may live in rural areas and have trouble meeting new people. Some find themselves lonely and isolated after a divorce or the death of a partner with whom they spent most of their time. Some people have trouble leaving home because of a physical disability or a mental health condition. Others have an overfilled schedule and end up spending all their time on work, for example, leaving little room to socialize. 

Still others may lack strong social skills that enable them to form and maintain relationships, or they may find themselves in a country or culture where they’re unfamiliar with the language and/or customs and have difficulties socializing for that reason. Finally, the US Surgeon General says that loneliness is now an epidemic, due in part to the digitization of the world and communities that are no longer designed or built around socialization and mutual support.

Signs that your social life may not be healthy

Some people simply need less social interaction or more alone time in order to feel nourished, healthy, and balanced. If a person feels content with the level of social interaction they’re getting, it can usually be considered healthy. That said, your social life may be cause for concern if:

You’re isolated

Social isolation—especially when coupled with feelings of loneliness—has been linked to serious long-term health problems by a variety of studies. As the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports, social isolation may significantly increase a person’s risk of premature death from all causes, “a risk that may rival those of smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity. It’s also associated with an increased risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia, and mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. Even those who prefer to spend a majority of their time alone are likely to need at least some level of genuine human interaction from time to time in order to promote both psychological and physical health. 

You’re actually unhappy

If you’ve been experiencing some level of isolation and loneliness for a while, you may have become used to it. It’s worth asking yourself, however, if you’re actually content with the level of social interaction you’re getting or not. If you’re telling yourself that you’re satisfied but you actually crave more or deeper connections with others, you may be at risk of, or already experiencing, mental and physical health consequences of loneliness. Some people may also feel undeserving of friendships and other relationships, or may assume they wouldn’t be able to form any. Thoughts like these may be a sign of low self-esteem, depression, or other mental health issues, for which seeking the support of a therapist may be beneficial.

You’re displaying signs of a mental health condition

In some cases, social isolation may be a sign or a result of a mental health condition such as:

Depression

This common but serious mental illness is often characterized by low energy and a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, which may make it difficult for a person to spend time with loved ones or make new connections. 

Social anxiety

This type of anxiety disorder usually manifests as intense fear and anxiety symptoms related to social situations where a person could be embarrassed or judged. It’s not uncommon for those with this disorder to avoid social situations altogether as a result, or to be unable to focus on forming relationships in the moment because of the symptoms they’re experiencing.

Agoraphobia

This often-misunderstood phobia generally relates to a fear of being in situations where escape could be difficult. This clinical anxiety can prevent a person from feeling comfortable using public transport, visiting homes or buildings they haven’t been to before, or being in crowds, for example, which can make socializing difficult or impossible.

Some personality disorders

Certain personality disorders may manifest as behaviors that may be perceived as odd, unusual, off-putting, or even offensive to others, which can make forming strong social connections difficult. Someone with histrionic personality disorder may fabricate stories to garner praise or sympathy and has difficulty coping in situations where they’re not the center of attention. Or, someone with schizoid personality disorder may experience a complete disinterest in forming relationships with others, preferring to spend their time with animals, machines, or other hobbies.

Ways to expand your social life

Again, not everyone with a limited social life is interested in expanding it. Some people are perfectly happy with their situation, and pathologizing them is not inherently warranted. For those who do feel isolated and/or lonely and would like to increase their social connections, though, there are various strategies they can try, such as:

Engage in kind acts for others

One study suggests that engaging in acts of kindness toward others can boost both the health and happiness of the giver. It can help you feel more connected to others, and some methods—such as volunteering—can also give you the chance to meet like-minded individuals with whom you might form a relationship.

Spend time in public spaces

Especially if you’ve been experiencing some level of isolation for a while, the prospect of joining a club or group and jumping right into social situations can feel intimidating. In cases like these, it might feel more comfortable to start by spending time in parks, town squares, libraries, or coffee shops to get used to having others around and to expose yourself to casual, low-pressure interactions at first.

Consider reducing your social media use

While it’s true that some people can form nourishing social connections with others online, research shows that excessive social media use is associated with loneliness and social anxiety.

Build your self-esteem

If you shy away from social activities because you fear that others won’t like you or that you have nothing to offer, you may be experiencing low self-esteem. Using techniques to build your confidence and meeting with a therapist are two ways to combat this.

How therapy can help

Again, there may be no cause for concern if your social life is limited but you feel content. However, for those who crave more social connection than they’re currently able to find, meeting with a therapist can be helpful. If you have difficulty connecting with others due to past trauma, social anxiety, low self-esteem, or another mental health issue, they can offer you a safe, non-judgmental space in which to express and process your emotions and learn healthy coping mechanisms for any symptoms. They can also help you build social skills if a lack thereof is contributing to the challenges you’re facing. 

Some people who are experiencing social isolation live in rural areas, have difficulty leaving the house, or may simply feel intimidated at the prospect of meeting with a provider in person. In situations like these, online therapy may represent a viable alternative. A review of research on the topic indicates that there appears to be “no difference in effectiveness” between online and in-person sessions, so you can typically choose the format that feels best for you. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed provider with whom you can speak via phone, video call, and/or online chat to address the challenges you may be facing.