I Have No Social Life: Overcoming Loneliness & Supporting Mental Health

Some level of human socialization is generally thought to be required for our overall health and well-being. Research has found that those who report having “family and friends they can count on in times of trouble” are more likely to be satisfied with their personal health and have a lower risk for a variety of serious illnesses. That said, people can have widely varying needs when it comes to social interaction versus alone time. What one person finds comfortable or even necessary may be overwhelming to another, and vice versa. Read on to learn more about why some people may prefer to have more time alone than others, when it may be a sign of a problem, and what to do if you want to expand your social life.

Solitude vs. loneliness

It’s not uncommon for people to falsely equate solitude with loneliness. The difference between the two has to do with how an individual experiences them: Solitude is the state of being alone, whereas loneliness is the uncomfortable or even distressing psychological sensation of being socially isolated, even if you’re socializing with others. It’s possible to be completely alone and perfectly happy, just as it’s possible to be surrounded by people and be upset as a result of loneliness. 

There are many potential benefits to having some amount of time alone regularly. It can allow you to separate your identity and opinions from those of others, since spending significant time with people can have an effect on these over time. It can also promote creativity and spirituality, as one study found. Solitude can allow you the time and space to pursue your own creative endeavors, get to know yourself better, and recharge on your own, too—the latter of which may be especially important for people who have introverted qualities. 

Finally, it may also be worth considering the potential downsides of being unable to spend time alone. It could indicate issues with insecurity, the effects of past social trauma, or even the existence of a personality disorder that makes a person need to consistently be the center of attention in social situations. Even if none of these apply, the inability to not be social can cause a person significant distress when they inevitably need to someday: when their partner is on a business trip, when their best friend moves away, or even when a global crisis like the pandemic occurs.

Causes of social isolation

What causes a person to become socially isolated? There are many possible reasons for social isolation. Some people may live in rural areas and have trouble meeting new people. Some find themselves lonely and socially isolated after a divorce or the death of a partner with whom they have spent most of their time. Some people have trouble leaving home because of a physical disability or a mental health condition. Others have an overfilled schedule and end up spending all their time on work, for example, leaving little room to socialize. 

Still, others may not have strong social skills that enable them to form and maintain relationships, or they may find themselves in a country or culture where they’re unfamiliar with the language and/or customs and have difficulties socializing for that reason. Finally, the US Surgeon General says that loneliness is now an epidemic due in part to the digitization of the world and communities that are no longer designed or built around socialization and mutual support.

Signs that your social life may not be healthy

Some people simply need less social interaction or more alone time in order to feel nourished, healthy, and balanced. If a person feels content with the level of social interaction they have, it can usually be considered healthy. That said, your social life may be cause for concern if:

You’re isolated, and you end up feeling the loneliness

Social isolation—especially when coupled with feelings of loneliness—has been linked to serious long-term health problems by a variety of studies. As the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports, social isolation may significantly increase a person’s risk of premature death from all causes, “a risk that may rival those of smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity. It’s also associated with an increased risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia, and mental health conditions like depression and anxiety." Even those who prefer to spend the majority of their time alone are likely to need to have at least some level of genuine social interaction in their life from time to time in order to promote both psychological and physical health. 

You’re actually unhappy

If you’ve been experiencing some level of social isolation and loneliness for a while, you may have become used to not socializing. It’s worth asking yourself, however, if you’re actually content with the level of social interaction you have or not. If you’re telling yourself that you’re satisfied but you actually have a craving for more or deeper connections with others, you may be at risk of, or already experiencing, mental and physical health consequences of loneliness. Some people may also feel undeserving of friendships and other social relationships or may assume they would not be able to form any. Thoughts like these may be a sign they have low self-esteem, have depression, or have other mental health issues, for which seeking the support of a therapist may be beneficial.

You’re displaying signs of a mental health condition

In some cases, social isolation may be a sign or a result of a mental health condition such as:

Depression

This common but serious mental illness is often characterized by low energy and a loss of interest in activities you have once enjoyed, which may make it difficult for a person to spend time with loved ones or socialize with new people. 

Social anxiety

This type of anxiety disorder usually manifests as intense fear and anxiety symptoms related to social situations where a person could be embarrassed or judged. It’s not uncommon for those who have social anxiety to avoid social situations altogether as a result or to have trouble focusing on forming social relationships because of the symptoms they have.

Agoraphobia

This often misunderstood phobia generally relates to a fear of being in situations where escape could be difficult. This clinical anxiety can prevent a person from having the ability to use public transport, visit homes or buildings they have not been to before, or be in crowds, for example, which can make having a social life difficult or impossible.

Some personality disorders

Certain personality disorders may manifest as social behaviors that may be perceived as odd, unusual, off-putting, or even offensive to others, which can make forming strong social connections difficult. Someone with histrionic personality disorder may fabricate stories to garner praise or sympathy and may have difficulty coping in social situations where they’re not the center of attention. Or, someone with schizoid personality disorder may experience a complete disinterest in forming social relationships with others, preferring to spend their time with animals, machines, or other hobbies.

Ways to expand your social life

Again, not everyone with a limited social life is interested in expanding it. Some people are perfectly happy with their situation, and pathologizing them is not inherently warranted. For those who do feel socially isolated and/or lonely and would like to increase the social connections they have, though, there are various strategies they can try, such as:

Engage in kind acts for others

One study suggests that engaging in acts of kindness toward others can boost both the health and happiness of the giver. It can help you feel more connected to others, and some methods—such as volunteering—can also give you the chance to meet like-minded individuals with whom you might form a social relationship.

Spend time in public spaces

Especially if you’ve been experiencing some level of social isolation for a while, the prospect of joining a club or group and jumping right into social situations can feel intimidating. In cases like these, it might feel more comfortable to start by spending time in parks, town squares, libraries, or coffee shops to get used to having others around and to expose yourself to casual, low-pressure social interactions at first.

Consider reducing your social media use

While it’s true that some people can form nourishing social connections with others online, research shows that excessive social media use is associated with loneliness and social anxiety.

Build your self-esteem

If you shy away from social activities because you fear that others will not like you or that you have nothing to offer, you may have low self-esteem. Using techniques to build your confidence and meeting with a therapist are two ways to combat this.

How online therapy can help your mental health

Again, there may be no cause for concern if your social life is limited, but you feel content. However, for those who crave more social connection than they’re currently able to find, meeting with a therapist can be helpful. If you have difficulty connecting with others due to past social trauma, social anxiety, low self-esteem, or another mental health issue, they can offer you a safe, non-judgmental space in which to express and process your emotions and learn healthy coping mechanisms for any symptoms. They can also help you build social skills if a lack thereof is contributing to the challenges you’re having. 

Online therapy with BetterHelp

Some people who are experiencing social isolation live in rural areas, have difficulty leaving the house, or may simply feel intimidated at the prospect of meeting with a provider in person. In situations like these, online therapy may represent a viable alternative. A review of research on the topic indicates that there appears to be “no difference in effectiveness” between online and in-person sessions, so you can typically choose the format that feels best for you. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed provider with whom you can speak via phone, video call, and/or online chat to address the challenges you may be facing.