Understanding Anxious Avoidant Attachment And Other Attachment Styles

Attachment styles describe the ways we connect and communicate with those closest to us. They may influence our relationship patterns and are often developed in infancy and childhood based on how well our caregivers meet our emotional and physical needs. There are four main attachment styles that are commonly discussed in social psychology research, one of which is the anxious-avoidant attachment style. Anxious avoidant attachment is characterized by a fear of intimacy and a desire for independence, leading some individuals to simultaneously crave and avoid close relationships.

People with an anxious-avoidant attachment style may have trouble establishing healthy personal relationships, despite a desire to be accepted and loved. They might feel uncomfortable with vulnerability or find themselves entering relationships, including romantic relationships, quickly, then leaving the relationship once it becomes serious. 

Attachment styles can evolve over time, and learning more about your own attachment style can may help you strive toward a more positive personal experience with relationships in the future. For support in identifying your attachment style and the factors that contribute to it, consider working with a qualified mental health professional.

Understanding attachment theory

Attachment theory is a concept in social and emotional human development. It describes how caregivers interact with their children, and how those interactions shape children’s relationships throughout their lives. 

Those who had healthy relationships with their parents as children may have higher self-esteem and healthy adult relationships later in life. This is known as having a secure attachment style. Conversely, someone who develops an insecure attachment style, such as anxious-avoidant attachment, may experience more difficulties with relationships in adulthood related to avoidant or anxious behaviors.

The impact of attachment styles on relationships

Psychologist John Bowlby developed attachment theory in the mid-20th century and revolutionized how many people viewed healthy boundaries and connections. Attachment theory affirms that our relationship skills, how we fall in love, and how we leave a long-term relationship may be impacted by our first interpersonal connections in life. While attachment styles are commonly analyzed through the lens of romantic relationships, attachment styles can also inform how people interact with their friends and larger social networks as well.

The Strange Situation procedure and what it suggests

Mary Ainsworth, a psychologist who worked alongside John Bowlby, expanded on Bowlby’s ideas and research on attachment. One of Ainsworth’s most notable contributions to attachment theory was the so-called “Strange Situation” procedure, a test in which infants are repeatedly separated from their caregivers for specified amounts of time. Observing the children’s behavior before and after the reunion can help psychologists better understand their attachment styles.

That said, formal tests like the Strange Situation procedure aren’t necessarily the only way to determine your attachment style. Understanding the different types of attachment, and the ways they commonly manifest in relationships, may help you begin to recognize them in yourself. 

What is anxious-avoidant attachment?

Anxious-avoidant attachment may also be called “fearful-avoidant” attachment or “disorganized attachment. People with anxious-avoidant attachment styles or attachment anxiety may experience the urge to connect vulnerably with others. However, they might also have an intense fear of both intimacy and vulnerability. 

What anxious attachment patterns look like in relationships

People with an anxious-avoidant attachment style often struggle to form healthy emotional bonds. It can be common for them to enter a relationship feeling emotionally present, but as the relationship continues and more commitment is required, they may become anxious, distressed, or distant. Their partner may react by attempting to regain their attention, which may further overwhelm them, causing them to pull back partially or entirely to create emotional distance. They may interpret this cycle to mean that they cannot find a match; as a result, they might prefer being alone or focusing all their energy on work or other pursuits. Working with a professional can be beneficial in overcoming these challenges.

Signs of an anxious-avoidant attachment style

An anxious-avoidant attachment style can manifest differently for different people. That said, people with this attachment style tend to engage in several emotional and behavioral patterns. A few common signs of anxious-avoidant attachment include:

• Difficulty forming close relationships
• Difficulty trusting others
• Difficulty turning to others for emotional support
• Intense mood swings
• A fear of rejection
• A pattern of seeking connection with romantic partners, only to pull away

Other attachment styles besides anxious-avoidant attachment 

Learning about other attachment styles and their differences may help you understand the anxious-avoidant style and other unhealthy attachment styles. 

Secure attachment styles

In childhood, someone with this style may have felt close to their caregivers. Their caregivers may have been emotionally available and allowed their children to explore who they were. They were likely able to control their own stress, while also meeting the child's physical and emotional needs, including the expression of complex emotions. Such children often grow into secure adults who can develop healthy intimate relationships featuring emotional closeness, solid boundaries, and independence.

Anxious attachment

This attachment style is sometimes also called the “anxious-preoccupied” attachment pattern. Anxious types are often afraid of their partner leaving them or being abandoned by their partners, as they may have had caregivers who did not meet their needs.Inconsistent parenting or chaotic behavior on the part of a caregiver may contribute to a fear of abandonment or a sense of responsibility for the emotional well-being of others. This can make it hard for people with an anxious attachment style to foster stable relationships. 

People with this attachment style may exhibit the following behaviors: 

• They may feel anxious and constantly reach out for reassurance or affection, even if it disrespects a boundary. 
• They may experience a need for constant validation, have low self-esteem, and develop a negative self-image. 
• They may start feeling threatened or worried if their partner wants space, doesn't respond to their messages, or tries to set a physical boundary.

Dismissive-avoidant attachment

The dismissive-avoidant attachment style has traits opposite to those associated with the anxious attachment style. While those with an anxious attachment style may crave validation and constant closeness, avoidant partners may have a negative view of emotional intimacy or close relationships. Someone with this attachment style may crave independence and feel stifled in long-term relationships.

Avoidant types may still have fears, emotional needs, and vulnerable feelings. However, instead of communicating their needs, they may ignore them. They may prefer to be single or to date people who do not want long-term connections. 

An avoidant attachment type may feel secure enough to live without a close intimate relationship. They might also have high levels of self-confidence and practice self-soothing instead of letting others into their lives to support them. However, this situation may also lead to loneliness or depression. 

As dismissive-avoidant attachment is an insecure attachment style, avoidant individuals may not have had a secure attachment to their caregivers. Their caregivers may have been neglectful or inconsistent. Since avoidant children did not have their emotional needs met, they may have learned to care for themselves, avoid others, and lack trust. As a result, they may have developed the tendencies to be self-contained, emotionally unavailable, and unprepared for commitment. 

Where anxious-avoidant attachment comes from

According to attachment theory, attachment styles form in early childhood. An infant or child's relationship with their parents may set a precedent for their relationships as an adult. If a child can explore, take risks, and learn through trial and error with the support of their adult caregiver, they might learn to trust themselves and develop high self-esteem. Conversely, children who do not have these experiences might negatively perceive others and have low self-esteem. 

How a child forms anxious-avoidant attachment 

According to the Cleveland Clinic, a child forms a disorganized attachment style primarily due to inconsistent caregiving, abuse, or neglect from their primary caregiver. This often looks like a caregiver who is warm and affectionate in some moments, but distant or abusive in others. As a result, their child may develop both a desire for affection and a fear of what might happen when they seek it out. They may also struggle to fully trust their caregivers, and this tendency is often reflected in later relationships. 

Attachment needs and the “secure base” concept

The secure base model is a concept in attachment theory. The idea is that children need a “secure base”: a caregiver figure who provides emotional safety and whom they can turn to for emotional support. Having this figure to help them meet their attachment needs may in turn help children develop a secure attachment style, a greater sense of agency, and a healthier approach to navigating relationships in adulthood. 

How children’s behaviors reflect their attachment styles

Children often behave in ways that demonstrate their attachment style. For example, by observing children being dropped off for school by their parents, you might see different attachment styles reflected in various behaviors. Securely attached children may cry at first but eventually learn to make friends and be social with other children. Anxious kids may cry throughout the day or ask for their parents. Dismissive-avoidant children may pretend not to care. They might find a toy to play with or spend their time alone. Anxious-avoidant children, meanwhile, may: 

• Act timid and emotional 
• Want to make friends with the other children but seem hesitant to talk to new people 
• Sit outside the group while other children play together, waiting to be invited in 
• Avoid healthy interaction because they feel anxious about the potential outcomes or uncomfortable with how others interact

Managing an anxious-avoidant attachment style in relationships

Several practical strategies may make it easier to manage conflict and build trust in relationships when you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style. While not a substitute for professional counseling, the following tips may still be helpful:

• Have a conversation with your partner about your attachment styles and collaborate on a plan for managing them together. 
• Be respectful of your partner’s boundaries while also setting boundaries of your own.
• Communicate clearly with your partner when you need support or space. 
• Engage in mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, or other grounding activities, particularly during relationship challenges. 
• Develop an awareness of your emotional states and practice responding to them rather than reacting to them.
• Practice giving yourself space to mentally reset during conflicts, rather than seeking an immediate resolution.

Again, however, keep in mind that these tips may not be enough on their own. If a disorganized attachment style is negatively affecting you or your relationships, you may want to consider reaching out to a professional for help. 

Can I change my attachment style to secure attachment?

Several studies indicate that attachment styles can be changed. If you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, you may be able to change it through therapy, education, and working with a partner. One study on this topic analyzed five other studies on attachment and found that attachment styles were likely to change based on life circumstances, trauma, understanding of attachment, and therapy. 

Recognizing if you have an insecure attachment style may be the first step to improving your own challenges with relationships. Try to be mindful of your thoughts and feelings and consider where they likely originated; you might discover which patterns no longer serve you as an adult. You may also find it helpful to forgive your child or adult self for negative interactions you may have experienced as a result. 

Working with a therapist who understands attachment theory and its clinical applications may also be valuable. Through therapy, you may be able to learn secure attachment principles, coping mechanisms, and strategies to try at home with your partner or yourself. If you experience a mental health condition, such as anxiety or depression, your therapist may also be able to help you manage these challenges—both in your relationships and everyday life. 

Mental health counseling for anxious avoidant attachment style and other attachment styles

People who have an anxious avoidant attachment style may have difficulty reaching out to strangers and asking for help. While fearful-avoidant attachment is not a disorder, you may be able to mitigate its potential negative effects with the help of a qualified therapist. A therapist can provide emotional support and help you develop the tools necessary to foster healthy, secure attachments. 

However, you might find that in-person therapy seems too formal or vulnerable. In these situations, online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp may give you a greater sense of control. You can attend a session from any location with an internet connection and choose whether you see your therapist through video call, phone call, or in-app messaging. 

Studies show that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy in treating a variety of mental health concerns. For instance, a 2023 study of over 20,000 patients in the U.K. found that internet-based therapy was as effective as face-to-face therapy for conditions like anxiety and depression. If you're ready to try this counseling method, consider reaching out to a therapist through a platform such as BetterHelp (for individuals) or Regain (for couples).