How To Identify Toxic Behavior In A Relationship
Toxic behavior in romantic relationships and intimate relationships can take many forms and occurs when one partner keeps an emotional scorecard, projects their emotions onto the other partner, frequently displays jealousy, doesn’t put in effort, doesn’t allow their partner to say no, and isolates their partner from their loved ones. It’s important to learn how to identify a toxic relationship in order to enforce healthy boundaries and protect your emotional energy and self-esteem, as well as your mental or even physical health. In many cases, breaking up can be the right choice when your relationship has been negatively impacted by abusive behavior. However, couples therapy may also be an option if both partners are willing to put in the effort to change and grow together. You can reach out to a local couples therapist or match with one through an online therapy platform.
Healthy and fulfilling relationships are built on a basis of mutual respect and well-being and often involve healthy behaviors such as strong communication and mutual trust. When these things are not present or are being infringed upon, whether it’s a romantic relationship, friendship, or relationship with family members, you may be experiencing relationship toxicity. It’s important to learn to recognize the warning signs of toxic traits so that you can care for your own well-being.
There's an emotional scorecard
One common denominator among many who struggle with toxic behavior can be an emotional scorecard.
Your partner may save up all the bad or hurtful things that have occurred in your relationship and use them against you as a weapon when you argue or disagree. There may be no form of forgiveness involved in these situations, and you may have them held over your head for months or even years after they occur.
It may not matter how much you apologize or try to make it right. This can be because, to your partner, it isn't about the problems they're speaking about, but rather the emotional ammunition it gives them against you.
The best thing you can do when you are faced with a situation like this can be to stand your ground. You might let your partner know that these things are in the past and that you will not let them affect your future. It may be helpful to explain that you have apologized already and tried to make it right, that the constant suspicion and blame for past mistakes is hurtful, and that you won't stand for this kind of behavior in your relationship.
Emotions are projected
When a partner with toxic behavior is in a relationship, they often project their actions or emotions onto their partner. For example, if your partner has insecurity in a relationship, they may belittle you and claim that you’re insecure. If they feel hurt by certain aspects of your situation they may seek to hurt you in the same way. Additionally, if they are being unfaithful, they could put a magnifying glass on your behavior to take the attention off themselves.
The idea here is generally to break you down so that you believe they are superior to you. If they can get you to believe this, it may be easy to control you.
Displays of jealousy
Displays of jealousy can be clear, telltale signs of toxic behavior in a relationship.
In general, you should have a relationship built on trust. Even in a new relationship, there should normally be no reason to act or feel jealous because you should each have confidence in one another that nothing unsavory is going on. Your partner should not seek to keep you away from family members or friends out of jealousy, especially if these feelings start to break you away from your support network.
We are all human, so from time to time, jealousy may pop up, but the person feeling it should generally voice their concerns and let it be a conversation. If your partner engages in toxic communication, such as talking down to or trying to make you feel less than because your partner is feeling this way, try to stand up for yourself. Another person's insecurities typically shouldn’t take control of your life and the things you want to do.
Your partner doesn't try
Any time you have a disagreement or argument, you may find yourself bending over backward for your partner and receiving nothing in return.
They could use the excuse that they are not the one causing the problem, but all relationships tend to be partnerships. No matter the issue, there is usually a way to figure out how to get through it together. In general, you should each be exerting equal effort in your path together.
In a relationship, both partners should generally be considered equals. If one person is trying and the other isn't, resentment and further challenges may arise, especially if the partner who isn’t trying displays little or no self-awareness. A person who loves and cares for you won't usually want to put this kind of weight on your shoulders.
It seems like you can't say "no"
When you are involved in a relationship with someone who displays toxic behavior, it may seem as if you aren't able to disagree or say no to anything they say.
This can be a classic trait of someone who is toxic. They may have a deep-seated belief that no one deserves to be happy if they are not, or they may not even realize they are doing it at times. Whatever the reason, it is usually not acceptable to display this type of behavior.
A healthy relationship should typically be based on the premise that you are each doing all you can to make the other happy. If you are feeling down, you should generally never wish the same emotions or negativity on your partner. While it can be okay to vent or talk about your problems, there should normally be no attempts to bring your partner down with you.
You're isolated from your friends and family
Your friends and family may be the first to see the problems with toxicity in your relationship. For this reason, many partners with toxic behavior make it their first order of business to separate you from these people. Isolation is one of many controlling behaviors used by some partners to make their significant other more dependent on them or to avoid family and friends from interfering in the relationship.
If your loved ones help you see the potential mistreatment you are being subjected to, they may pose a threat to your partner. An individual in a healthy relationship will normally want you to maintain the bonds you have with those close to you, and they will generally want to be a part of that as well. They may understand that these people are important to you and may support you in every measure when it comes to them.
If you see your partner trying to isolate you from your close loved ones, it can be best not to ignore this behavior. Instead, you might take everything they do at face value. This is especially true if a family member points out that it is not healthy behavior. The family and friends you have are often the ones you will wish to turn to if your relationship ends, so it can be ideal to maintain these relationships.
When does a healthy relationship become a toxic relationship or an abusive relationship?
In both healthy and unhealthy relationships, a person can engage in toxic behavior without realizing they’re doing it. However, if someone intentionally uses abusive behaviors or harmful behaviors to assert power or control over their intimate partner, this might be considered an abusive relationship, or more specifically, intimate partner violence.
Types of abuse that can occur in an intimate relationship include:
- Emotional abuse including frequent lying or dismissal
- Verbal abuse
- Domestic violence (physical violence)
- Emotional manipulation
Abusive behavior can cause chronic stress for the person experiencing the abuse. While not every toxic relationship is abusive, abusive relationships are dangerous and have long-lasting effects on a person’s health. If you, a family member, or someone you know are experiencing intimate partner violence or may be in abusive relationships, consider seeking help from local domestic violence advocate resources.
Getting help for a toxic relationship to build healthy relationships
When toxic behavior is taking over your relationship, there may be a way to fix it without leaving your partner behind. A licensed mental health professional can help you understand what healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships look like. They can also help each partner learn to adopt healthier behaviors that may help strengthen the relationship. If toxic behavior in your relationship is causing you stress, a therapist can help you identify your own feelings, build self-awareness and practice self-care strategies, such as mindfulness and pursuing interests that bring you joy.
There may be underlying problems that could be causing your partner to display toxic behavior. These problems may be addressed and treated in some cases. It can be intimidating to try therapy with a relationship therapist or a marriage and family therapist, but it may be the best thing you can do for your relationship.
If you believe you are in an abusive relationship, you may call a helpline. With these services, you can receive assistance from trained advocates who are sympathetic to your situation and can get you the resources you need.
Benefits of online therapy for people in toxic relationships
Online couples therapy can be convenient for you and your partner, as you can easily schedule sessions that fit into your busy lives, even if they are outside of typical office hours. In addition, attending sessions from the familiarity of your own home or another comfortable location may enable you to feel more at ease than visiting an unfamiliar therapist’s office.
Effectiveness of online therapy
A 2022 study analyzed the effectiveness of online couples therapy. It stated, “Results showed that therapeutic alliance ratings did not differ between groups, but increased significantly over time for both groups. Additionally, the results indicated improvements in relationship satisfaction, mental health, and all other outcome scores over time.”
Takeaway
What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
A variety of negative characteristics and behaviors may make a relationship toxic. Some common indicators include:
- Lack of trust between you and your partner
- Constant criticism, making you feel like you’re “never good enough”
- Unequal emotional contributions — you put in almost all of the energy to fix problems
- Controlling behaviors such as surveillance, restrictions on your activities, or interference with your finances
- Toxic communication — your partner gets defensive, aggressive, or hurtful whenever you disagree or express your needs
- Negative messages about other people you care about, such as family and friends
- Behavior that you frequently feel the need to lie about or make excuses for
Sometimes, the clearest way to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships may be to pay attention to your own feelings. Do you feel excited or nervous when you’re going to see your partner? After you spend time together, do you feel happy and relaxed or sad, tense, and fatigued? If your relationship seems to be mostly a source of worry and unhappiness, it could be toxic.
Can you fix a toxic relationship?
The ultimate decision about whether a relationship is too dysfunctional to salvage is up to the individuals involved. There are many variables in romantic relationships, and there may not be a universal metric for when they’re “unfixable”.
Some toxic behaviors can be successfully addressed if both parties are willing to acknowledge that there’s a problem, commit to working on it together, and approach the process with mutual empathy and understanding.
This may be significantly less likely in an abusive relationship, though. When one partner exerts a significant amount of power over the other, they may not be willing to relinquish control. Many trained couples therapists believe that trying to change these dynamics could provoke violence from the controlling partner.
In some scenarios, though, there’s evidence that relationship therapy can substantially reduce toxic or even abusive behavior. If your partner expresses a genuine willingness to change their approach to your relationship, improvement might be possible.
How do you stop toxic behavior in a relationship?
Setting firm boundaries is often the key to putting a stop to toxic actions and attitudes within a relationship. If you make it clear to your partner that you won’t tolerate bad behavior, they may be willing to change — assuming that they truly value your connection. Setting healthy relationship boundaries may also include prioritizing some time for your own hobbies, interests, and self-care.
This approach may only work if you’re firm in your boundaries. That might require a willingness to distance yourself or end the relationship if your partner doesn’t respect your wishes. You may find this easier if you take some time to identify your core principles, enabling you to recognize when your relationship conflicts with those values.
If you believe that you’re displaying toxic behavior in your relationship, you may need to make changes including:
- Communicating your needs and feelings without being aggressive, demanding, or self-pitying
- Learning to compromise instead of expecting to decide everything in the relationship
- Monitoring your behavior and recognizing your emotional triggers
- Taking responsibility for your feelings instead of blaming your partner
- Making space for your partner’s independence
Overcoming toxic habits may not be easy. It’s often helpful to work with a trained relationship therapist who can help you identify destructive patterns and suggest better ways of coping.
What is gaslighting in a relationship?
Gaslighting is generally understood as a manipulative form of emotional abuse. It involves a persistent effort to undermine another person’s confidence in their opinions, judgments, and perceptions so that they’ll accept or ignore negative behavior.
This is a frequent tactic in unhealthy relationships that involve unequal power dynamics. Gaslighting can include many specific tactics that induce self-doubt in the other person, including:
- Minimizing one’s actions
- Lying and maintaining the lie after being caught
- Contradicting the other person’s memories
- Giving multiple versions of events without acknowledging contradictions between them
- Frequently describing the other person as irrational, overly emotional, or mentally ill
When should you leave a relationship?
There’s no simple formula that can tell you when to end a relationship. However, you may want to think about moving on if you notice that it’s causing you more distress than happiness, especially if your partner is unwilling to change.
The presence of domestic violence is often a clear sign that a relationship is toxic and unsafe. It can be difficult to predict whether physical violence will escalate, but it’s often inadvisable to remain in a relationship where you don’t feel safe and respected. Emotional, financial, and verbal abuse can also be very damaging — for many people, they’re clear indicators that a relationship is no longer healthy.
If you’re experiencing relationship abuse and feel like you can’t break free, you may want to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, either online or at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You’ll be put in touch with a domestic violence advocate who can offer advice and resources to help you reach a place of safety.
How do toxic relationships start?
Toxic relationships often begin with what feels like an amazing connection. Abusive or manipulative people may come across as devoted partners during the early stages. This is often called “idealization” or “love bombing”, and it can involve:
- Over-the-top expressions of affection
- Unrealistic, flattering praise
- Lavish gifts
- Spontaneous romantic trips or activities
- Extremely frequent communication
- Unsolicited promises or commitments
These early behaviors can make the receiving partner feel valued and loved. They also tend to build a sense of intimacy quickly, creating an attachment to the new partner before they’ve had time to get to know them very well.
At the same time, these actions may subtly begin to establish an uneven power dynamic in the relationship. They can create a pattern in which one partner makes all of the decisions and expects the other person to simply go along. The partner receiving this excessive attention often feels overwhelmed, and they may develop a sense of obligation to the initiating partner.
Why do toxic couples stay together?
Toxic relationships may seem like healthy relationships at first, creating an emotional bond that can make people reluctant to separate even when things have taken a negative turn. One or both partners may also believe it’s possible to fix things and return to their earlier happiness.
In other cases, couples may exhibit codependency, in which their unhealthy relationship styles reinforce each other. For instance, a person who grew up in a home where love was linked with control may feel “safer” with a domineering partner. People in codependent relationships don’t always recognize them as toxic.
Some people may also remain in unhealthy relationships because they are afraid to leave. An abuser might employ tactics that make their partner feel unable to live independently, such as cutting them off from social support systems, restricting their finances, or threatening physical harm.
What are toxic people like?
Psychologists don’t have a formal definition of a “toxic personality”. However, a growing body of evidence suggests that unhealthy interpersonal behaviors may be linked to a group of personality traits commonly called the Dark Triad:
- Machiavellianism. This characteristic refers to manipulative tendencies, as well as a predisposition toward amoral self-interest.
- Psychopathy. Psychopathy involves impulsivity, lack of remorse or empathy, indifference to other people’s feelings, and a low tolerance for boredom.
- Narcissism. This term refers to a combination of egotism, pride, self-centeredness, and an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance or capabilities.
Some researchers have proposed revising the model to a Dark Tetrad that includes a fourth personality trait: - Sadism. This refers to a tendency to enjoy seeing or causing suffering in others.
Do toxic people know they're toxic?
Some people who display toxic behaviors may be aware that their actions are wrong, but continue their behavior due to perceived benefits such as control, or pleasure. Others may not view their behavior as immoral or unusual — they may believe that domineering or manipulative behavior is normal in relationships.
Research suggests that people high in Dark Triad personality traits may not have a strong sense of who they are as people. This type of individual may be less likely to think of themself as a “good person” or a “toxic person”, or as any particular kind of person at all. Instead, they may simply pursue things that make them feel good from moment to moment.
What is the psychology of a toxic person?
Someone with a strongly Machiavellian personality may be skilled at manipulation but feel very little empathy in response to the emotions and desires of others. These individuals also tend to be motivated mainly by self-interest and lack strong ideals.
A person high in psychopathy will also likely lack empathy, and they may have a strong dislike for boredom or inaction. This type of person often feels few strong emotions, and they may take impulsive, risky actions to generate a sense of excitement. They’re often unconcerned about the possible consequences of their behavior.
High levels of narcissism may cause a person to regard themselves as more important or valuable than others. They might also feel a strong motivation to appear impressive, important, or talented to other people.
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