How To Identify Toxic Love

Many kinds of relationships can involve toxic love, including romantic relationships, parental relationships, and sibling relationships, but it can sometimes be challenging to identify. Toxic love may involve physical, mental, or emotional abuse, or it might involve manipulation, emotional blackmail, shame, control, or other potentially harmful behaviors. We’ll explore toxic love in a variety of relationships, several feelings and signs of toxic love to keep in mind, and possible ways to cope. 

Where toxic love can exist

Toxic love can exist in nearly any situation in which you have formed a relationship or bond with another. You can distinguish healthy vs toxic relationships everywhere. Some people may find that they have toxic love from their parents or siblings, and some may experience toxic love in personal relationships, such as long-term friendships and romantic relationships.

Toxic love from parents

In many cases, the first relationships we have in life are with our parents: they may be the first to form bonds with us and the first to show us what love is. Research has shown that destructive relationships with parents can lead to unhealthy relationships later in life “unless they are effectively addressed.”

Some signs of toxic love from parents may include the following:

• Nothing you do is ever good enough.

• Your parents use manipulation to get their way.

• You find yourself wondering what you must do to keep their love.

• You do anything they ask because you are afraid of the consequences, even as an adult.

Toxic love from siblings

If you have siblings, they may be your first friends and playmates as a child. The bonds between siblings may be strong, especially if the siblings are close in age. However, the relationship between siblings can be toxic as well. Siblings who use emotional blackmailing and guilt trips to get what they want from you can be engaging in toxic behaviors.

It may take reflection to determine how you might want to handle such relationships with siblings. You may or may not want to cut your siblings out of your life, or you may wish to limit the time you spend with them. You can take control of your decisions and set healthy boundaries.

Toxic love from romantic partners

Another possible setting for toxic love is in romantic relationships. This type of toxic love may be difficult to see when you are in the depths of the relationship. And if you have had toxic relationships in other areas of your life, it may be especially difficult to see beyond the love you feel to the relationship’s true nature.

Many toxic romantic relationships can be very passionate. There may be definite lows, but there may also be intense highs. Over time, the toxicity of the relationship may worsen. As toxic behaviors become the norm, the highs may become fewer and farther between. You might also fear being alone or feel apprehensive about what would happen if you left.

Recognizing abuse

The clearest sign of a toxic relationship may be abuse, which can be very dangerous. While physical abuse may be easy to recognize, mental and emotional abuse may be trickier. It may be difficult to know if you are experiencing emotional or mental abuse because it may begin subtly.

One example of such abuse can be controlling behavior. When your partner seeks to make your decisions for you or controls your actions frequently, it can be a sign of toxic love. Control may be outright or subtle. Your partner may tell you what to do and react negatively if you don’t obey. Or, they could allow you to believe you are making your own decisions, while in reality, they may be manipulating your behavior by expressing what does and does not please them. When they are not pleased, they could be unreasonably angry and lash out.

They may also use emotional blackmail to get you to do what they want, such as telling you how much they will be hurt or upset if you don't do as they ask. A potential sign that you could be in a toxic relationship is if your partner constantly tells you that they could leave at any time. Threats of leaving the relationship can be blackmail and a way to control your behavior.

Another potential sign of mental and emotional abuse is being told that nothing you do is right. If you are constantly being told that you are doing something wrong, or if you are constantly being belittled, this can be very damaging. As such behavior continues over time, your self-esteem and mental health may suffer. 

Examining your feelings

Then, try to think about how you feel about yourself currently. Do you now believe that you are not good enough? Are you afraid to make your own decisions? Have you toned down or stopped certain behaviors that used to come naturally to you to please your partner? Are you sad more often than you are happy? Evaluating your answers may tell you something about the relationship.

It may also be helpful to examine your feelings about the relationship. You might make excuses for them to your friends and family, trying to convince others that you see something in them that others do not. You may love this person, but are you happy? How often do they show their love for you in tangible or intangible ways? Do you often fear that you will displease your partner? These can all be signs of an emotionally abusive relationship.

Daily signs of toxic love

Toxic relationships don't always happen overnight and can range in severity, but sometimes, when the relationship reaches an unreasonable level, the signs can be everywhere. One of the most recognizable warning signs that you may be in a toxic relationship may be chronic unhappiness. 

Included below are a few other signs you may want to look out for:

• Your partner withholds affection for perceived faults in your behavior.

• When you express concern, show you are upset, or talk about disappointments, your partner turns the tables and blames you for the situation.

• Your partner makes all the decisions, big or small, from what to eat for dinner to where you will go on vacation.

• When you make a decision your partner doesn't like, they lash out at you in anger and belittle you.

• Your partner finds ways to get out of social engagements and uses emotional blackmail to keep you from going to engagements without them.

• Your partner overhears a conversation and coaches you on your responses to the other person.

• You are expected to give your all to activities and time spent together, but you get nothing in return.

• Your partner yells during small disagreements or out of the blue.

• Your partner throws or hits things.

• When you go somewhere without your partner, you are accused of misdeeds or made to feel guilty for not taking them along.

• You are expected to check in while at work, and if you don't, you are lectured or yelled at for it when you return home.

If any of these signs sound familiar to you and happen regularly in your relationship, it could be a sign that you are experiencing toxic love.

Coping with toxic love through therapy

Experiencing toxic love can lead to stress and other mental health challenges, and online therapy may be a way to work through these concerns with the help of a licensed therapist. Since toxic love can exist in a variety of relationships and lead to a range of concerns, a potential benefit of online therapy is its versatility: depending on your needs, you may be connected with an individual or couples therapist specializing in different issues.

There is a growing amount of evidence showing that online therapy may be an effective way of helping couples and individuals who are in strained relationships. One such study conducted a broad overview of online interventions for couples experiencing relationship distress. It found that online interventions may be effective in improving the functioning of the relationship and the mental health of individuals in the relationship.

Navigating toxic love can be very challenging, and it can be difficult to determine how to move forward in the way that is best for you. You may choose to attempt to mend the relationship, leave the relationship, or change the nature of the relationship through clear boundaries. Whatever you choose, an online therapist may be able to help.