Why Do Adults Become Bullies? A Close Look At Adult Bullying Behavior

As we mature, society generally expects us to outgrow the pettiness and cruelty often associated with playground tactics. Yet, adult bullying can be a stark and growing issue. The underpinnings of bullying may be multifaceted and are frequently grounded in an individual's psychology, social experiences, and personal history. Both those who have been affected by bullying and those who have bullied others can benefit from working with a licensed therapist through online or in-person therapy.

What is adult bullying?

How adult bullying behavior differs from conflict

Conflict may be a natural part of relationships. It generally occurs when two people who are equals in a relationship have different points of view about a situation. Sometimes conflict can escalate and take time to work through, but in most cases, both people involved want the issue resolved so they can continue the relationship in a healthy way.

Bullying, on the other hand, generally involves a person or group of people intentionally engaging in behavior that is meant to hurt another person. There is typically an imbalance in the relationship between the people who are bullying and the target of their behavior. For example, people who bully may be physically stronger or have a better professional reputation, which impacts the balance of power.

Common forms of adult bullying

Forms of adult bullying behavior are not that much different than bullying in children. Some common forms of adult bullying that may be inflicted on a co-worker, family member, or any other person in their life may be: 

• Spreading rumors or gossip
• Making fun of how someone looks, talks, dresses, etc.
• Insulting someone and then claiming it was a joke
• Cyberbullying via email, social media, or text
• Taking credit for another person’s work
• Excluding someone from social events
• Turning mutual friends against someone
• Ignoring boundaries

Bullying in professional settings

In professional settings, bullying may be subtle. Rather than openly mocking or insulting a coworker, a workplace bully may choose behaviors that are sustained over a long period of time and designed to undermine. For example, a co-worker may take credit for someone else’s work, spread gossip, or assign someone work they won’t be able to complete, setting them up for failure. In the workplace, bullying typically involves an imbalance of power, with a senior colleague, manager, or supervisor who has more power using their position to control or demean someone below them. Because workplace bullying may come from a superior, it can go unreported.

Bullying in social settings

Social bullying can occur in friend groups, neighborhoods, or online communities. Unlike workplace bullying, social bullying may be more overt, involving behaviors such as spreading rumors, excluding people from activities, or making fun of someone. Social bullying can be easy to minimize or dismiss as it can be explained away as being “all in good fun,” but when the behavior is targeted, intentional, and causes harm, it can be considered bullying.

Why do adults become bullies?

Regardless of their methods, most adult bullies tend to have some common traits. No matter the kind of bully, their actions generally seek to control, belittle, or marginalize their targets. Yet, the question may remain: What motivates an adult to engage in toxic behavior like bullying?

The role of power and control

In many cases, adult bullying may be fundamentally about power. Some people may use bullying as a way to maintain a position of power, or they may feel powerless in another area of their lives and choose to target someone who is more vulnerable to gain a sense of control. 

Research suggests that adults who bully others often exhibit specific traits, including Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy. They may struggle with insecurity, low self-worth, and dominance, or have a deep need for social status and use bullying to feel superior rather than identifying and addressing any underlying issues.

The connection to childhood bullying

Adult bullying may be connected to childhood bullying. One study suggests that bullying victims have lower well-being, a lower probability of having a job throughout adulthood, and a greater likelihood of early death before one's mid-50s. As this paper concluded, “being bullied in childhood creates a lifetime of misery.”

But what about those who bully in childhood? Studies suggest that children who bully others may be at elevated risk of aggressive behavior, criminal conduct, and difficult relationships in adulthood, particularly when underlying family and environmental risk factors go unaddressed. While this doesn’t necessarily mean they will bully as adults, it's a possibility.

Identity-based bullying and discrimination

Some adult bullies target victims based solely on who they are. Identity-based bullying singles people out based on characteristics like gender, race, or sexual orientation. In some cases, especially in the workplace, this type of bullying can be considered discrimination. It can be particularly damaging because it targets a person’s sense of self. Identity-based bullying is particularly common for LGBTQ+ individuals.

What to do if you are being bullied as an adult

If you are being bullied as an adult, it can be difficult to figure out what to do. Here are some strategies for handling adult bullying at work and in social settings.

Responding to bullying at work

In professional settings, bullying can affect your reputation and career. Many companies may have policies on workplace bullying or procedures you are asked to follow. For example, you may be asked to report bullying behavior to your HR rep or follow a specific protocol. There are also some other things you can do, including: 

• Document everything so you have evidence of the behavior, including times, dates, witnesses, and what was said.
• Do not react emotionally, as most bullies may be trying to get a reaction; instead, try the gray rock method.
• Limit contact as much as you can; walk away and remove yourself from situations when possible.
• Find allies by asking whether anyone else is experiencing this behavior from the same individual. 

Responding to bullying in personal or social environments

How you handle bullying in social settings can be different from how you handle it at work. If the person who is bullying you is a member of your family or friend group, it may seem like a delicate situation, but remember that you do not deserve what is happening, even from someone who claims to be your friend. 

You can start by staying calm and confident. Try to respond to hurtful comments with humor to defuse the situation, or use a more direct approach and tell them to stop or leave you alone. If the bullying takes place in front of others, ask them for help. You may also need to limit contact as much as you can, though this may be difficult if you are dealing with a friend or family member.

Effects of adult bullying on mental health

Above, we looked at the effects of childhood bullying on adults, but being bullied as an adult can have significant consequences, too. 

Emotional and psychological consequences

Some of the emotional and psychological consequences of bullying may include: 

• Increased stress
• Anxiety 
• Depression
• Loss of sleep
• Loss of confidence
• Headaches
• Struggles in one’s personal life that affect their relationships
• Damage to finances and career if the bullying is occurring at work

When bullying becomes dangerous

If you are experiencing any of the following as a result of bullying, seek support right away. You don’t have to cope with these feelings on your own. 

• If you are afraid for your safety
• If you can no longer perform daily tasks
• If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others
• If you are experiencing suicidal ideation

What to do if you witness adult bullying

If you are a witness to adult bullying and you want to help but aren’t sure what to do, you're not alone. Here are some ideas for when to intervene and what you can do.

How to offer support safely

If it is safe to do so, call out the bullying behavior immediately and point out that what they are doing is not okay. You can also try shifting the focus by creating a diversion to defuse the situation if things are getting tense. Bullies may act out for an audience, so walk away if you cannot safely intervene. 

Remove the victim from the situation if possible. It can also be important to offer support to the victim after the incident. Reach out privately to check in and let them know you have their support.

When intervention or reporting is appropriate

If you witness bullying behavior that is persistent, abusive, threatening, or an abuse of power, it is appropriate to report it. If there are threats of violence, you should report the behavior right away. 

Benefits of therapy for bullying targets

Therapy can be an invaluable resource for individuals who have been targets of bullying, allowing victims to process their experiences, regain their self-esteem, and work toward recovery.

Psychological healing and empowerment

One of the key benefits of therapy for targets of bullying can be psychological healing. Therapists can help these individuals confront and work through the trauma caused by bullying, utilizing techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to challenge negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping strategies. This process can empower individuals who have experienced bullying, helping them regain their self-worth and sense of control over their own lives.

Development of social skills and confidence

Therapy can also assist individuals in rebuilding their social skills. For example, the social anxiety stemming from bullying experiences can make interpersonal interactions challenging. In therapy, targets can learn to regain their confidence, navigate social situations more effectively, and build stronger, healthier relationships.

Preventing future harm

Therapy can also equip those who have experienced bullying with tools to prevent future victimization. By learning to identify and respond effectively to bullying, individuals can better protect themselves in the future. This proactive approach can foster resilience, helping individuals recover from past bullying and prepare for any future encounters.

Therapy's role in reforming adult bullies

Just as therapy can be transformative for those who were the targets of bullying, it can also be an essential resource for bullies. Successful therapy can help adult bullies change their behaviors by identifying any underlying concerns that might drive them to bully in the first place.

Identifying the roots of bullying behavior

Therapy can help bullies understand why they resort to harmful behavior. Adult bullies often have complex histories, including unresolved mental health challenges and past trauma. Therapy can provide a safe and supportive environment to explore these issues, facilitating self-awareness and insight into destructive behavior patterns.

Developing empathy and emotional intelligence

Therapy can also assist adult bullies in developing empathy. Empathy generally involves understanding the feelings of others, a critical skill that bullies often lack. Therapists might use a range of techniques to foster emotional intelligence, thereby helping bullies recognize the impacts of their actions on others and develop healthier, more respectful ways of interacting.

Building coping mechanisms and conflict-resolution skills

Therapy can also help bullies develop better coping mechanisms and conflict-resolution skills. Rather than resorting to intimidation or aggression when faced with stress or conflict, they can learn to respond in a more constructive, non-violent manner. This can benefit not only their relationships but also their mental well-being.

Getting support through therapy

While in-person therapy can be an effective way to address the causes and effects of bullying, online therapy can make some bullies and targets of bullying feel more comfortable discussing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This type of therapy might also be more convenient since it can be done from home through videoconference, phone call, or online chat.

Depression and anxiety can be common in those who have experienced bullying, and a growing body of research indicates that online therapy can effectively treat these mental illnesses, as well as many others. Both those who have been affected by bullying and those who have bullied others can benefit from working with a licensed therapist through online or in-person therapy, such as specialized therapy for bullying at BetterHelp.